Mumsnet Talk

My husband and I are going through the home visit stage in the adoption process. So far everything is going well and we are very excited by the prospect that maybe next Christmas we could be a family but for one problem we are at odds when it comes to deciding if we would like to adopt a boy or a girl.

We realise that we would be blessed to have the opportunity to love and cherish any child but when we sit down and talk about gender my husband says he would like to adopt a boy and I say I would like a girl. We have discussed perhaps siblings of each sex but are thinking one child may be enough so that we could give the child all our attention and love. Has anyone else had this dilemma as I don't know how to resolve this?

To be honest I would flip a coin. When you get pregnant you don't have a choice - you have a lovely surprise

Why not have a surprise?

It's impossible I would say. I think the same would have happened with me and my dh if we had had to chose. We have two dds and they would crawl over hot coals to get to their daddy.

I think I would have to flip a coin too.

Do you have to choose? Couldn't you leave it open to either gender?

If you aren't absolutely certain you want a specific gender, then leave it open. One day you'll read a childs profile and it will feel right to both of you, whatever gender

I totally understand why people would say be open minded but I intend to only do this once! I always wanted a girl and through my homestudy I never changed my mind and I have now been matched with a 18 month old little girl. Yay!

We always said it was more important that s/he was "right" for us rather than a girl or a boy, though I had a slight preference for a girl. I agree with the suggestion to keep it open, and see which profile seems right for you

I really, really think you should stay open on this one. Not because I think it is wrong to have a preference, but because you and your dh may end up at loggerheads completely unnecessarily. You may well find that the 'right' child will sing out to you (not literally) when you come across them, and one of you may change your minds about gender at that point. Why not keep your options open? There is nothing to lose at this stage, surely?

I would keep it open and see what your social worker suggests for you. Are you open to the idea of a sibling group so you could potentially have a boy and a girl?

We have talked about siblings and we could afford to adopt two children but my husband is worried about the work involved with two children and that it might be a bit much for me.

We have talked about it over the last few days and my husband says we can afford siblings and I could give up my job so we have decided 2 go for 2 children so we may get our boy and girl!

That's good news OP. TBH if you are going for a child under school age one of you might have to give up work anyway, or at least take a long career break. Some agencies require one parent to be at home full time. also some adopted children can't cope with childcare (nursery or childminder) .

I'm wondering if you are in poor health as you mentioned that two children might be too much work for you.if that's the case I would encourage you to do anything you can to improve your health NOW eg lose weight, exercise,give up smoking etc . Don't wait for SS to insist upon it.

If you have a serious mediacl condition or disability you shoudl think about

1. Discussing your adoption plans with your GP and consultant ,as they will need to provide medical reports

2. Joining adoption Uk and speaking with other adopters who have similar conditions /disabilities .

Not all health problems or disabilities will prevent you from adopting but the more information you have the better.

Good luck

I would echo what the others have said - leave it as open as possible. I really thought I wanted another girl, but when we were matched with a very young, totally healthy boy I simply didnt even think about his sex at all. I was just so happy that we were getting him that all the obsessing about which gender I might have wanted seemed like ancient history.

Also SS really like to hear that you are open, and that you are not narrowing down the number of children they could potentially match you with by choosing one gender over the other. And I am a very firm believer that if you get your SW on side then you will be matched more quickly.

Good luck