Dreading Christmas(31 Posts)
I know this is so selfish but I am dreading Christmas. We have been waiting so long for a family and yet another Christmas without a family is just breaking my heart. I am suggesting to my husband we should go away over Christmas and he says I just want to run away from Christmas - and he's right. I cannot face the family do's with children.
I have a wonderful husband and a supportive family, but its just not enough. Every year since 2005, we have said 'next year will be different' and already the '2013 will be our year' has started. Its so tough seeing all the wonderful christmas clothes and gifts for children and as usual I've bought way too much for me neices and friend's children. I thought I was going to burst into tears in Waterstones on Tuesday, looking at Children's books and day dreaming about reading to them. My Dad always said I needed to learn how to dance in the rain (rather than wait for the rain to stop).
I've read how some of you who have adopted have found Christmas a challenge, as this is potentially unsettling for an adopted child. My friend who has adopted twice also tells me its not the fairy tale I dream of...but its clearly better than without them.
We have a DVD session at our LA in December and I'm nervous about it as my emotions are so high. I do want to go, but how will I react?
Oh dear, I would appreciate anyone's help or advice on how they coped through Christmas before their family arrived.
My situation is a bit different to yours, so I can't give any advice on how to get through Christmas. (I can dispel the happy thoughts of rosy cheeked, beautifully behaved cherubs, and tell you about grumpy, chocolate fuelled battles between them if you prefer?)
But going away does sound a good idea - make the most of being able to go to a very un child friendly hotel and soak up some sun?
Rather than going away, why don't you stay at home and just relax and have a nice time, just the two of you?
Maybe do the family do's pre- Christmas, then hole up with books, wine and loads of food?
That's what we did pre-dcs and it was really nice, actually
I remember how you are feeling, it was always, next Christmas we will have our family.
It will be your turn soon and you too will have the sleepless nights and over excitement.
Remember Christmas is just another day, enjoy the day together doing whatever you want to do.
Your family will understand if you feel you can't spend the whole time with them.
I remember being in your shoes - TTC for 10 years, we either went away or spent the actual day with child-free family. Last year was the hardest as we'd been approved to adopt and had thought we might have been matched before Christmas but it wasn't to be. I was devastated but made the most of a cosy twosome and dog! We were tipsy on bucks fizz by 2pm and snoozed all afternoon!
It is difficult but your time will come
Hi Wendy I can't give advice but do feel your anguish. My partners son, from his previous marriage, has invited us all to his house to celebrate his babies first Christmas. Lovely idea but absolutely killing me (recently diagnosed infertile at 31). Like you racking my brains for an excuse not to go. I love Christmas as well with a romantised idea of celebrating with my own children but would rather stay at home myself with some good movies and a box of forrero rocher! x
Wendy -if you can afford to spend the money and annual leave, I woudl go away.soemwhere exotic. You may not get on another foreign holiday in a long time, and if you do it will be a child friendly one. Go for it!
I absolutley understand where you're coming from. I think Christmas and other big family gatherings shine a spotlight on what's missing in your life and heighten the pain. I second (or third?) the idea of going away somewhere lovely together. Please god, this WILL be your last Christmas as a couple and next year will be all about the little child in your life so this year make it about the two of you. It's really shit that you don't have you child yet so if you can, avoid it this year.
Very unmumsnetty hugs to you.
The Xmas before DS came home I spent Xmas day at Heathrow airport on my way to new york for a Xmas break - because we were prepared to travel on Xmas day and back on new years eve we got really cheap flights and not a bad price on hotels either - and I hit the Maceys sale to boot!
Running away?! I would call it having the Christmas which suits you best given that you can't currently have exactly what you want.
Christmas since DS hasn't been all sweetness and light but certainly not at the foothills of the grimness I felt in the year or two before having him.
I SO remember the feelings you are describing. Christmas was bad because of every one else's kids all around. Birthdays were worse, because I was another year older. On my 40th birthday I woke up and cried and cried.
You absolutely should go on holiday. It's not running away. Christmas is not a test of your stoicism and endurance (well, it probably is, but it shouldn't be). See it as possibly your last opportunity to take off somewhere really un-child friendly, drink wine, have adventures.
And be kind to yourself. These feelings are very natural. Things well get better.
Dear Wendy very sorry you are in this position and really want to wish you all the best wishes that this Christmas. I hope you can find some way to make it good, or at least as good as it can be.
What would you like to do? What can you afford to do? Can you get time off work? Bascially, if it was me I would simply grab DH and chat it through, if you can agree on a place I would go, tell family that you wish them very well but:
A) You want to treat your lovely DH to a special treat - he wants to treat you
B) You got a fab deal that was too good to miss
C) You find it hard being around loads of kids when you have not got any yet
D) You are looking forward to adoption and this might be the last Christmas you get to go away like this
BASICALLY whichever of those answers you feel happy to say, because I don't know how much your family know about the situation.
Either that or volunteer at a Christmas soup kitchen or whatever, because you probably won't get the chance to do that once all the adoption thing all works out.
You said "We have a DVD session at our LA in December and I'm nervous about it as my emotions are so high. I do want to go, but how will I react?" Is that when you get to see DVDs of children who are looking for families? Sorry to be so dim! Have you been approved? All I would say is, GO, prepare before-hand that it will be emotional, and you will feel emotional, BUT that it may be a positive and productive time (sorry to sound cold and calculating - I don't mean it, I mean just try and use this DVD evening as a great opportunity in your journey but don't assume it will provide all the answers).
I am afraid I am not a lot of use but I do wish you all the best and I really think this is one time to do what is best for you and your DH and not to try and please relatives.
I used to feel the same about Xmas ( found New Year's Eve even worse!)
The year before we adopted our first DC my DH and I ran away to The Lake District for Xmas. It was wonderful! We stayed in a beautiful little cottage and ate in lovely restaurants. We went on long walks on crisp winter days. We hid away for a week and it was a very special Christmas.
If you can get away - do it!
The following year was our first Xmas as parents It was nothing like the fairy tale I had expected.
I went to bed on Xmas day night and cried myself to sleep as I was so exhausted and emotional over the disappointment.
We did it all wrong and invited all the family over when we should have just snuggled up with our new little baby.
I hope you do manage to enjoy Christmas and that next year will be the one when it all starts to happen for you!
Thank you so very much to everyone for your kind words and advice. It has helped.
It is a little odd, getting some solace from others agreeing that they felt the same way too. You don't want people to be upset, but I guess it makes it more normal and normal means its okay. I'm sure our turn will be, when it will be. Been looking online for holidays and not sure its helping. Keep thinking we should save every penny for our family.
Greyhound - yes we are approved and waiting for a match, Yes the DVD session is as you've described. Not been to one before and a little unsure.
Thanks again all, much, much appreciated x
I know where you're coming from. I love Christmas, it honestly is my favourite time of the year but there have been times it's been v v difficult especially when nieces and nephews were v little. If you can afford it, get yourself away somewhere lovely, spoil yourselves. Yes you could save every penny for your new family but you don't know when that's going to happend just yet. We have tended to treat ourselves at the times things are traditionally a bit sensitive.
I must confess it was nice to do shopping today for little ones in my wider family thinking that we'll one day be doing it for our own...
It is a little odd, getting some solace from others agreeing that they felt the same way too. - yes misery does love company!
Saving your money for your family is one thing but staying sane prior to getting one is important too.
Wendy the pennies you invest in a lovely break, even if it is literally for a few days over the crutial time will be well worth it. You are investing in your own peace of mind. If you do not mind where you go then you might find some bargains last minute on line or whatever. UK or overseas, as long as it is doing what you want with who you want. It is nice to save for the future but as Kew says, saving your sanity is also very nice!
Enjoy it and send us a postcard from Mauritious/Malibu or Matlock!
I too remember that awful feeling of "yet another year gone, and still we don't seem to be getting anywhere".
In particular I remember the last awful Christmas we had before we got ds1 - my brother's wife had just had the first grandchild and I remember crying for most of Christmas morning trying to pluck up the courage to go out to my mums for Christmas dinner.
If only we had known - ds was already born, and we would meet him in February. But I wasn't to know.
With hindsight we should have gone away - gone skiing, escaped to New York, done anything rather than sit at home and feel resentful, which is what I did.
Like everyone else is saying I really understand as we started our journey for a family in 2003 ................ this Christmas is our very first as a Mummy & Daddy & I cannot wait. This time last year I was once again saying 2012 will be our year, when we went to choose our tree I was once again saying maybe next year we will have a little one to choose it with us & he/she can go to the grotto etc ....... & we will ! Very lucjy & so proud & our beautiful DS was already born & waiting for us.
I shall cross my fingers for you that 2013 is your turn ( hug ).
If you have the time & finances I would definitely either go away for Christmas or New Year (or both) to somewhere you have always wanted to go for a grown -up indulgent break - it will give you precious time together, be a treat & also be something you don't do when your ds/dd arrives.
If you don't have the time to take etc the I would do an indulgent break at home. For me this would include champagne in bed, Christmas Eve lovely lunch/excursion/ great ready food so you don't spend ages cooking, snuggling with loads of candles in front of fire watching lovely Christmas filns & buy yourselves something very special.
Here's hoping for your 2013 wish x
Thanks again for everyone's messages. It is appreciated and helpful. Trying to bring my husband around to the 'going away' idea, but we've agreed whereever we are it'll be just the two of us. To be honest, that'll be what I think we need.
Night all x
As if this wasn't challenging enough! I've just heard from a lovely couple that they've been matched and they will be moving their new family in before xmas. The profile of the child is the same as ours, albeit I only know gender and age. I feel so jelaous, sad and angry. Angry at myself. This is a lovely, lovely couple. I am so pleased for them. But this couldn't feel anymore cruel. Why not us? Why just before xmas?
My husband is being so rational, mature and level headed and I'm being so childish and emotional. My heart is breaking. I am unable to think clearly as my heart is aching.
Waiting to hear if husband's holidays are accepted, then we will hopefully be away for xmas.
I'm surprised they're moving a child this close to Christmas Wendy - we were matched at the beginning of October, but matching panel isn't until the end of January as "we don't give children as Christmas presents" . We've taken the opportunity to go abroad for the week, and pretty much forget Christmas. - I'm trying to think of it that it'll be so much more enjoyable next year, with plenty of time to get used to each other, build up the excitement etc. And really, it's just one day. When your child comes home it won't matter what time of year it is, in fact it should be easier without having to factor Christmas into everything as well.
I hope you manage to get away, and everything happens quickly in the new year for you. Don't compare your journey to anyone else's too much - that way lies madness!
Wendy I completely agree with mydogeatspoop - don't compare to others because you might never know the full story and it may well be very stressful for them to accommodate their new child/family at this very busy quite stressful time of year, so although it seems wonderful, it may well be quite hard. I agree with MDEP too that once it happens you will just be so happy and won't mind at all. Even if your DH can't get extended holiday as long as he can be away from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day I would get on the internet and booking something luxurious and local and just enjoy each other. Once your new family arrives you will be quite busy and probably tired so enjoy a few frosty walks, warm toddies by the fireside and uncomplicated 'is the door locked' 'did you hear a noise' type sex!
Please try not to allow this anxiety or sadness to creep into what will hopefully be your last Christmas together alone, and try and just relax. I am sure it has been a very hard and difficult journey to get to this point and maybe your hubby being level headed and not so emotional (just like mine!) does not feel the full force of emotions as you do. I can recommend an amazing film about adoption, not to show the kid/s but to watch yourself. It is called Meet the Robinsons and it is very moving. So moving, it always has me in tears. The theme song at the end of the film is so beautiful and contains these lines
Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels
Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And I don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end
Yes, it is so hard to do.
Really love the film and the song and I know you feel so sad at the moment but it will all be part of your journey to get to your future. Hope that does not sound too crap, I know you feel bad but I just want to encourage you to keep moving forward.
I remember the year we got dd.
I remember having to tell friends of ours - we had already adopted ds; he was only two, and we got dd with only 2 days notice. They had started the process a short while after us, and there we were with two children when they had none at all.
and then, when dd was just short of a year old I discovered I was pregnant. I was dreading telling them really dreading it. They arrived on our doorstep when I was 8 weeks pregnant and puking my guts up, which I had to hide.
But they had come to tell us they had been matched, and they took their daughter home the following week . She was almost exactly a year younger than dd.
I look at the two girls now, fifteen years later, and I feel absolute horror at the fact that they might have dd and we might have their dd. Which would be absolutely and utterly wronger than wrong (nice though their dd is, I can't imagine life without mine).
This, added to the fact that a change of social worker meant we got ds1 rather than the child we were meant to get a year earlier (our social worker moved job without completing our paperwork) means that fate gave us all our children. And the thought that they might be somewhere in the world, with another family, other parents, others friends and schools and lives is just unthinkable.
So I have every sympathy for you. I was also resentful, and jealous, and bitter (and quite frankly pretty nasty ) for a time. But, now, my children are my children, and I can't imagine life without them.
You will survive Christmas - we have all done it.
And when you do have your family, this will be in the slightly embarrassing (and probably wryly amusing) past.
Honestly, it will. Chin up. You are allowed to grieve, to be lonely, to be bitter and jealous and horrible. Here's a good place to do it. And in a few years' time you will be comforting someone else (with no Christmas hat on my smile, because that might be rubbing your nose in the festive season which I'm sure doesn't feel too festive atm).
Just to let you know, we've booked a holiday over Christmas! I completely think you all have given me the confidence to do it - so thank you so very much! We leave for sunnier climes on Sunday. Strategically booked into an Adult area of the hotel. Hoping that this means I will not be drooling over other people's kids and planning their kidnapping - as opposed to expected to flaunt myself naked and engage in dubious 'adult only' activities!! Yes its lightened my mood no end. Also keeping me supa busy, which keeps me out of bother.
I also would like to ask one (more) small (ish) favour. Please will you all do a quick virtual 'fingers crossed' for me on Thursday? We've 'expressed interest' in a little boy and we'll hear back on Thursday if his SW thinks we are a poss match. The good and bad news is we have competition. Bad for us (as we are both so keen), but wonderful for the little one as it means there's a better chance of a forever family for them. Its supa-doopa early days...but its also been a tonic.
Thanks again all
Fingers, toes and everything else crossed for you Wendy. And enjoy the holiday. Hopefully it will be the last restful time away you have for 18 years or so
And remember, if you are being considered for this little boy and you don't get matched with him, there is another child out there who in a few years time you won't be able to even think about life without, if that makes sense.