My steel balls are growing!

(21 Posts)

Had dd's 2 year developmental check yesterday with the PHN and a student PHN. After ooing and ahhing over how cute she is, they pulled out her file and commented on the fact that she was adopted.

Student PHN said 'she's such a lucky little girl'
'Do you think so?' says I, 'She was in an institution for the first 14 months of her life, not ideal I would have thought.'
'No I mean she's so lucky to have you now.'
I know she meant well but I kept at it and said ' No, we're the lucky ones.'

The PHN then said 'You have an older boy, is he your own?'
<<Grrrr, hackles are well and truly up now>>
'They're both my own,' says I.
'O, you know what I mean,' says she.
'I'm not sure that I do,' says I. 'Do you mean is he my biological son?'
'Yes, that's what I meant.'
'Yes he's my bio son but they are both my own children. That's not a phrase I'd like DD to hear when she's older. She's as much mine as DS is. I know you don't mean any harm by it but the langage of adoption is really important.'

My ears were well and truly burning on my walk home but I was SO proud of myself. I'm usually very non-confrontational and will smart over things but say nothing.

I'm growing balls of steelgrin <<about flipping time>>

cedar12 Fri 16-Nov-12 13:04:18

Well done. When the health visitor came to see us after ds came home she said to me and dh so what is dd to ds? I said well she is his sister!! Not his real one she replied!! Dh gave her such a look she veryflustered after that and made a quick exit!

Happy well done. Very good and brave. How can people be so dumb!!! You are a steel-balled-wonder.

Slainte Fri 16-Nov-12 13:57:33

Well done you. Very well said smile

Moomoomie Fri 16-Nov-12 17:08:35

Well said. Hopefully it will make them think before they make the same comments.
The power of mumsnet. grin

FamiliesShareGerms Fri 16-Nov-12 20:49:02

Well done!

SavoyCabbage Fri 16-Nov-12 20:58:56

That's brilliant that you said all that. It might make them think and could change the way they speak to other patients in the future for their whole careers.

Sometimes, when protecting our children, we can do things that we can't imagine that we could ever do. You should make yourself a little lioness badge and wear itgrin

Good on you! We're getting a lot of the "Oh he's so lucky" malarcky at the minute as ds is only with us just over a month. I don't know why it annoys me so much but it does.
I've yet to get questioned about dd but will try and remember your phrase about the language of adoption for when I do.

ShamyFarrahCooper Fri 23-Nov-12 15:57:04

Well done OP! As an adoptee I sincerely hate when people say 'do you know your real parents?'.

Yes I do thank you and they are wonderful, my biological parents, I have no idea about.

(I do feel 'lucky' though. I feel lucky that although my bio-mum decided she couldn't raise me, that I got a chance with the family I have. I couldn't have asked for better parents)

Kewcumber Fri 23-Nov-12 16:08:40

I do feel 'lucky' though Shamy - I allow adeptees to feel luck! Thast their prerogative just as it is for any birth child. What I object to is the expectation that DS should feel lucky by random strangers.

Happiestinwellybobs Fri 23-Nov-12 18:44:42

We are also getting a lot of "how lucky she is" as our adoption has just gone through today (yay!). Also from her social worker (!) this week we have had "oh the celebration day isn't really important is it?" and referring to our DD's birth parents (who she hasn't seen since the day she was born) as her parents. Bit my lip on that one!!

FamiliesShareGerms Fri 23-Nov-12 19:00:41

Ooh, congratulations Happiest!

Happy congratulations, that is fab news.

Happiestinwellybobs Sat 24-Nov-12 07:17:15

Thank you! I didn't think it would feel any different as she has been our daughter since we set eyes on her, but it's amazing that it is all official smile

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 24-Nov-12 08:08:38

It is different, isn't it? Similar to how I didn't think getting married to DH would feel different, but it completely did.

Happiest, that's fantastic news, congratulations. You social worker sounds thick as a plank.

ShamyFarrahCooper Mon 26-Nov-12 12:00:26

Sorry Kew I wasn't suggesting that adoptees should feel it or be told to feel it at all. I hate people telling me how I should feel, how I should search out my bio family etc when I have no desire to.
I really was trying to explain my own feelings but I guess I should have re-read how it sounded blush. I appreciate that children suffer a lot before getting to the point of coming home to their new family.

I was adopted in the early 80's when things were much different and I was 6 months old.

Kewcumber Mon 26-Nov-12 14:17:47

I did understand Shamy - and am agreeing with you! I don't have a problem with you feeling however you like... I would be thrilled if DS tells an internet forum in 20 years time that he is lucky to have me! Maud down the road however telling DS that he was lucky to be adopted by me isn't on. No-one else thinks having parents who love them is "lucky" when they are 7, they think its normal!

What is lucky is that out of the thousands of children adopted around the world in the year I adopted DS, and out of the 7 or so children being adopted from the same orphanage at the same time, I got DS. Not a single other child would have done, not one other child is quite as marvellous or as special as he is wink.

To paraphrase... "Now That's What I Call Lucky"

ShamyFarrahCooper Tue 27-Nov-12 13:37:43

kew that's so lovely. My parents have always said similar about me and non-bio adopted sibling.

Interestingly, Eastenders has an adoption story just now, where an adoptee has just discovered her bio mum and family. It hasn't gone well at all (adoptee is mid-late 30's and adopted at birth). Fairly shattered everyone all round and one of the reasons (but not the only one) I have no interest. The idea some people who aren't close to adoption have is that it would all work out lovely when I suspect that's not the case for a fair amount.

flossymuldoon Tue 27-Nov-12 16:55:10

Kewcumber - that's just made me all teary.

That's exactly how i feel. No other child could have been my child, or be as marvellous as my DS. I even feel that when he is being a difficult total pain in the arse control freak grin

Kew and Flossy, I'm in complete agreement. I met a woman the other day to talk to her about our fertility stuff cos she's about to start treatment, and I was telling her about the IUIs, the IVFs, the tears and the snots, and I was saying that back then, all I wanted and hoped for was to have another baby but it's like the Garth Brooks song says, 'Thank God for unanswered prayers.' Noone else could have been our daughter, she was meant for us and us for her. Thank God nothing worked because noone could love her more than we do!

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