So, where are you at?

(132 Posts)
MyDogEatsPoop Fri 05-Oct-12 12:28:22

A 'getting to know you' thread, as I'd like to update my spreadsheet wink

I'll kick off shall I?

Started the process with the first (nervewracking) phonecall in June of 2010, Workshop not until July 2011(!), followed by Homestudy a couple of months later.
Finally approved in June 2012 smile
Turned down one link as not suitable, and have a meeting coming up soon to discuss a little girl!

Kewcumber Fri 19-Oct-12 13:29:13

Re bonding.... ha! A week... ha! it took me a while to bond with DS (months) I did feel very responsible for him early on but not love - I don't know when it happened - I pretended for a while then mysteriously at some point it stopped being pretend! I felt like the babysitter for what seemed like the longest time and like the worlds most unnatural mother. Doesn;t seem to have done either of us any in teh long run, DS is nearly 7 and has been with me forever for 6 years.

sadie1 Fri 19-Oct-12 13:46:08

Kewcumber - thankyou - no apologies needed. Lo is adopted and i keep feeling thats why i feel different but really hoping it's just to do with having 2. DS1 has just turned 5 and yes been just the 3 of us up till now. Been working towards the adoption for so so long hoping it just letting go of everything and finally being a family of 4 - something dh and I have wanted for so long. But just feeling so tearful and doubtful today.

Kewcumber Fri 19-Oct-12 13:48:09

no I understand Lo is adopted (so is mine!)

But just feeling so tearful and doubtful today. yes all very normal but do keep an eye out for post adoption depression - there is a theory thats its more common than PND.

Lilka Fri 19-Oct-12 15:54:16

Hi Sadie. This is all very normal. It is such a big change and many people get exactly these feelings. They may persist for a while yet but for most people they will pass as you begin to form a life together. As Kew said, if they last several months and more, and it's affecting your life badly, you need to see your GP, but at this stage, this is common, and you are not alone. You are suddenly together in a home with a new little stranger and the reality is here and you can have all these doubts and fears hitting you. I'm sure such a big change and a new child will bring about some changes in your body/hormones, even if you haven't given birth, and that will affect you as well, and make you tearful. Like the baby blues, but for adopters! Hang on in there

sadie1 Fri 19-Oct-12 18:57:35

Thank you Lilka - I'm feeling a little better although exhausted from crying all day! I talked to a good friend who said she felt the same when number 2 dd came along. talking really helps (if I can stop crying to get the words out!) both on here and to others. I also spoke to fellow adopter who said she felt the same so not feeling so alone, but still feeling a bit wobbly. especially when ds1 says how he doesn't want lo here. Hard to cope with lo's screaming, which he seems to do when he's happy, but I am trying to think in his shoes - coming into our family without knowing how any of it works must be v hard. Any reassurance greatly appreciated!

Devora Fri 19-Oct-12 20:23:12

Hi Sadie, I promise these feelings are normal. I felt a great deal of resentment and irritation with dd2 for more time than I care to admit after she moved in. I'm not proud of that but I think it is inevitable - at the beginning, it's a bit like somebody has left their kid with you to babysit and hasn't come back to collect them.

Remember: fake it and the love will come smile

sadie1 Fri 19-Oct-12 21:20:08

Hi devora - thank you so much again. Exactly how I feel. I remember feeling my identity had been hijacked when ds1 was born and for first year, but feeling that plus more now...exhausted, cross, sad but also knowing this what me and dh have wanted for so so long. And guilty I don't feel happier! And really scared about dh being back at work next week. All support is so so appreciated

Devora Fri 19-Oct-12 22:07:56

Ah Sadie, it is tough. But just think: you have taken a stranger into your home, one who is constantly, unrelentingly demanding. Plus you're really aware of how difficult this is for him, and that makes you feel guilty, which is probably making you angry too.

All I can do is promise that it will get easier and easier. My dd has been with us two years now, and words cannot describe how much I love her and how happy I am that she is my child. I don't know many adopters who did not feel the way you do in the weeks after placement, so go easy on yourself and keep talking about it here. We will understand!

sadie1 Sat 20-Oct-12 08:49:45

still feeling truly awful - thinking I've made an awful mistake. ds1 had nightmares and ended up in bed with us which is most unusual. What have i done

Kewcumber Sat 20-Oct-12 09:44:37

really Sadie - you just have to stick with it. Its a big change for everyone including you and it won't do your DS1 any harm to have the odd unsettled night or to not get all your attention 24/7 in the long run. Its more likely that having a sibling will benefit him than not but understandably he is used to having your attention all on him - doesn't mean its good for him! And I say that with an only child.

Stop worrying about whether you've done the right thing or not, focus on the practical and get on with things. Keep your days busy and get out as much as possible (walks, soft play etc), stress how much DS2 likes DS1 if you can and don't get too obsessed with how you feel about the situation. At this stage its just getting through the day and starting to work out a totally new routine which works for all of you.

This about how you would feel if you had given birth to this baby... DS1 wouldn't feel any different - you would just accept as everyone else does that he will be fine when he adjusts. Of course the added wrinkle is that you haven't had time to bond with the baby yet which complicates things and you are therefore looking at things much more from your perspective of loving DS1 more than DS2 at the moment but that will change.

Keep posting here, others have been through this and I haven't so I may be being unnecessarily harsh with the "just get on with it" as I didn;t have an older DC to deal with - I did however have total cold feet and wonder what I'd done so I can identify with the feeling.

funnychic Sat 20-Oct-12 14:45:05

Aww Sadie I really feel for you. I have no experience I'm not officially matched yet but the common thread is to take it day at a time. What your feeling is normal and is too be expected. When you first met your hubby you didn't love him immediately did you? or have to cook, clean, feed him. A baby is so demanding at the best of times even when you know them and have a connection with them, so a 9mth old baby who is a stranger is doubly hard.
Iv'e tried to think what would I so if I felt this way and I came up with the answer that I would try and think how the baby is feeling now, scared stiff, greaving for his FC and in a strange place with strange people and I would try and make his life as comfortable and nurturing as possible in the hope that doing this would bring me closer to him and quell my anxiety. As for your birth child try and get them as involved as possible helping to care for him, pass me your brother/sister nappy, help me brush his hair etc the sooner he feels at ease with the baby the better for all of you.
Please come back on here regularly and tell us how your feeling, having someone who has experience of what your going through is invaluable hun. xxx

Serenity70 Sat 20-Oct-12 16:17:22

Has this board gone quiet?? I only just joined mumsnet.
We have adopted two children. First contact with VA in Spring 2011, Prep course, home study, matching panel in May 2012. Were warned that match could take till about now, but brought our children home in September!!!!!!
very early days, but so far so good.

Are you guys using any other discussion sites? Maybe some that are not so openly accessible? I have been on fertilityfriends website for ages. any other ideas?

Serenity70 Sat 20-Oct-12 16:19:39

Apologies, i had not figured out how to go through the entire board, have done so now ...

Will spend some more time reading up here.

cheers

Kewcumber Sat 20-Oct-12 16:22:27

enjoy!

Weekends tend to be quieter around here.

I don't use any other adoption boards partly because I like the crew on here and partly because we don't have any major adoption related issues just minor ones which I don't have a problem discussing on a public forum.

Serenity70 Sat 20-Oct-12 16:34:08

Hi Kewcumber,

just caught up with reading! Thank for answering. I am also after more general advice, as so far we do not have any unsuual problems and hope that it will stay so. We had a ton of information about the childrens' background.

Sadie: I read yoru posts with much interest as I felt very, very similar to you. I hope you are already feeling a bit better. Having two children 'invade' our hoem and life was a huge shock and the fact that we had invited the invation did nto help, but added guilt to my other mixed emotions. 3 weeks down the line and we seem to approach a sor tof normality ... - right who is laughing?? I can hear you!!!

sadie1 Sat 20-Oct-12 16:59:05

Am having a rubbish day. Fortunately my wonderful dh is doing everything. Social worker came round at lunchtime and was very supportive and said it was normal and offering all sorts of advice and ideas. But I'm still not really wanting to engage with lo at all and thinking he'd be better off elsewhere. I took to bed after social worker left and have just managed to make some supper for everyone but really don't want to help with lo at all. Full of anxiety, fear and doubt...

Devora Sat 20-Oct-12 17:52:05

Sadie, there is no way you can know at this point that you haven't made a terrible mistake. Children are always a huge amount of work and sacrifice. The only thing that makes it worthwhile is the amount of love you share. And right now there's no love to share.

Post-adoption depression is very well documented as a concept and if you are struggling you should seek help with this, just as you would after childbirth.

I really relate to how you are feeling - it's good to hear that Serenity does too - and of course I can't promise that you will grow to fall deeply in love with your new child. But I think it is highly likely that you will!

Incidentally, I have an older bc and felt deeply guilty about what I might be doing to her. But she absolutely loves having a little sister and I have absolutely no doubt that all the sacrifices that she too has had to make are worthwhile.

Kew is right: you need to stick with it. You can overthink these things - if you spend your days searching for the certainty that you have done the right thing then you will feel bad because you're not going to find that certainty yet. Keep on keeping on and I promise the love and the certainty will just creep up on you. Caveat on that is that if you think you are getting really depressed or anxious you should of course seek help with that.

Devora Sat 20-Oct-12 17:52:49

Serenity, lovely to meet you. Do you have two children? How old are they?

sadie1 Sat 20-Oct-12 19:15:38

devora - huge thank yous. what you are saying so rings true. i could do with a hug please! have felt a little better tonight - bs and lo had a bath together and enjoyed it although i got cross and irritated when lo cried and screamed coming out the bath. lo's sw has been wonderful and has said i must talk and include friends/family to help me get through. also by talking to gp, and hv. i have suffered from depression before many years ago when i split with my husband and this feels the same - just more sudden and intense, and more racked with guilt cos children involved. many thanks again x

Serenity70 Sat 20-Oct-12 19:37:42

Hi Sadie,

please try not too worry yourselff too much. You sound liek me and I went as far as telling our social worder nto to aks me whether I wnated to keep the chidlren, because i was afraid what answer i woudl give!! I now feel very foolish about this comment ( and the guilt is also still there!!), but I KNOW what you feel and it is distressing that you have to WAIT until love (like any feeling!!) developes. I am glad you can detect positive changes in yourself. And I too still get irritated by both my cherubs behaviour, whereas Dh somehow seems to manage to stay calm. But we both admit to each other that we are not 100% burning with love - yet. But we start to manage to feel that we are a little more than their caregivers (for want of a better word - personal assistants??, slaves? ;-)
I don't want to waffle, but please hang in there. I too was so worried that ours would be a failed adoption. I sisnce have heard from two of my frineds and they both had these doubts/lack fo feeling and they had it at very differetn stages fo the adoption process and it lasted several weeks and several months in the other case.

Devora - yepp, in at the deep end - two for us!! And they are 1 and 2. We were so surprised. I think that is also why i had such a hard time adjusting. See above comments. I coudl nto believe it and then badly surprised myself for not feelign grateful, overjoyed and in love instantly. But getting there ... day by day, hour by hour. ;-)

Have a lovely evening and weekend everyone. DH just brought the take-out menues and a glass of well deserved vino. cheers

smile wine ... hm, is this smiley stuff working??

Serenity70 Sat 20-Oct-12 19:38:25

Oh, look it is indeed !!!

wine grin

sadie1 Sat 20-Oct-12 21:05:52

Thank you for your messages serenity and devora. I am going to try and have an early night although feeling i will never sleep again. I told the social worker I wanted her to take him away and then felt hugely tearful at that thought too... just don't feel I know what I want at all apart from to run away from my life (taking ds1 with me of course) I am upsetting and worrying my dh too. Hoping it really will get better...

Kewcumber Sat 20-Oct-12 21:15:28

"I wanted her to take him away and then felt hugely tearful at that thought too" - gosh I remember that - I was desperate for someone to take DS and when they did (for a break) that didn't feel right either I felt like I was doomed not to be happy for the rest of my life, that I would forever feel responsible for him without loving him enough to enjoy him.

Try to switch off and not overthink things - just keep plodding along with the practicalities and worry about how you feel another time.

sadie1 Sun 21-Oct-12 08:06:49

Ok, having had a good nights sleep I wake up this morning feeling just as bad (no thinking required). Just looking at lo makes me cross and irritated. I'm failing to do any care, have really upset my dh who can't really inderstand how I'm feeling and ds has had second night of nightmares. I just want to run away...

cedar12 Sun 21-Oct-12 08:58:25

I agree with kew. Its really hard at first just try and deal with one thing at a time. Maybe try and get out this morning. Have you had any time on your own with lo? Maybe your dh could take ds for some one to one time and you can have some time with lo with no distractions.

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