Newbies

(1000 Posts)

Hi I am a newbie and only just started this journey, officially made the call last week.

Just interested how may other newbies are out there who are still in the early stages. I keep coming across people and recognising names. Anyone want to let on what stage they are at?

namechangesforthehardstuff Fri 15-Nov-13 22:28:45

Hi tsfp. It's good to lurk (but also good to talk grin)

What a bloody interesting, and timely, discussion of concurrency. DH and I have been talking it over just in the last week. I think I'd have to try not to bond with a baby though until it was settled as I just don't think I could cope if the baby went back (and back to what?) DH feels it would be being bereaved sad. And then if it was OK to then try to bond with a baby I'd previously been trying not to?

I really want to want to do CP because the benefits for the baby are obvious but I just don't know if I'd be strong enough. Any (more) words of wisdom?

researchbookworm Sat 16-Nov-13 09:23:56

Thanks for all the responses since my last post-particularly those on FAS and concurrency etc. I had understood that FAS and related conditions can present in many different ways- one place I looked said it may not be possible to diagnose a condition definitively until the child is 5 or 6 so even taking on a 'healthy' toddler wouldn't guarantee anything. I have read many of your posts before Lilka and found them very helpful - thank you!
I'm very sad to hear about past experience of concurrency not working out from the adopters point of view, although good news if it means the birth family worked out some of their issues. I would find it incredibly hard to hand back a child in that circumstance, and don't think the 'not bonding' in the first place would really be feasible because the entire point of having them from birth is that you do bond and help them develop a good attachment. Even if you were able to keep the baby and then went on to try and develop a bond later you and the child would have lost out in those first few months. Plus, in my experience, even with a birth child those first few months are extremely hard work. If you didn't have that parental bond with them you would go nuts. I imagine that with adoption it may take a little longer to feel that sense of limitless love, but I'm sure you would be there long before any decisions were made about where the baby was going end up, and if so, losing them would be heartbreaking...
Sorry for another long post!

Meita Sat 16-Nov-13 09:49:11

researchbookworm, I agree, in fact a fostering SW pointed out to us when DP was talking about keeping some distance in case of baby going back to BM, that that is absolutely NOT what baby needs. I think I'm going to head over and lurk on the fostering boards for a bit, because that seems to be what it all about in the end. I honestly don't know if I/we are cut out for this process of caring for a little baby, bonding with them, and then having them go away again. But obviously a lot of people do this, i.e. fosterers, so maybe there is something to be learnt from them?

The other thing I that would be hard, but necessary I think, is to embrace the idea that it is NOT your decision as to what is best for baby. Someone else will decide that (the judge). And if they decide that going back to BM is best for baby, then it might be very hard to accept, but if you could accept it, it would mean good news - the best solution for baby has been found, and it means baby doesn't need adoption. Rather than bad news - they are taking 'our' baby away again. But I agree, it might very well feel like bereavement. But yet again, fosterers do this and then go on, sometimes right away, to foster another child/baby. So it must be possible!

tsfp Sat 16-Nov-13 11:38:04

thanks inthebeginning and namechangesforthehardstuff I'll try and be brave and join in - I think that it seems like a good place for support (already had loads of positive responses re: my dogs and adoption!)

Middlesexmummy Sat 16-Nov-13 13:36:16

Hi , in our case concurrency worked out but we didn't have any idea of the stress it would cause. , I guess u don't really until you experience it. . The 2 hardest things for me were being treated like foster carers when we were adopters by the LA and contact . Contact was really hard as their was a book that was asked to be kept up to date which was handed back and forth between me and BM so that each of us would be able to update on what baby had to eat , sleep etc but she used it more as a weapon against me , to criticise me so that she could build a case that I was an unfit parent .... The La once had to come out and inspect how I made up formula and kept bottles clean as she had complained that I sent a dirty bottle ... It's things like this that you need to be prepared for .....

namechangesforthehardstuff Sat 16-Nov-13 17:41:21

Yes sorry I don't think I've said it right.

Obviously I wouldn't be trying not to encourage the baby to bond. That'd be cruel and horrible. I was trying to express that I think I'd want to be 'faking it' rather than letting myself go because otherwise it would be too hard to let the baby go.

And I think that would be impossible since bonding is a two way street innit?

And I think the way I'm tying myself in knots trying to express what I mean is why it wouldn't work for us... sad

Hi tsfp and welcome.

Just curious but how many others on here are approved and waiting to be matched?

Dlass Sat 16-Nov-13 22:42:25

hi. my husband and I are just starting the journey of adoption. we have a six year old son and want to add to our family. we have our first course on Thursday and Friday next week. lots of form filling going on and our medicals before the end of the month !!

Welcome Dlass, our dd is 9 and we were in the same position as you last year when she was still 7. The journey took us a while, partly because we wanted to go slower but I am told now it can be as little as 6 months.

Good luck.

I am sure you will find these threads very supportive.

RationalThought Wed 20-Nov-13 14:39:37

We have been approved at adoption panel today grin

Now the matching starts, with matching panel next month and introductions starting in early January (plus lots of meetings with teachers, doctors, etc). Our soon to be DD has been with the same foster family for just over 4 years from 3 months old, so the move is likely to be traumatic for all involved.

We're excited and daunted in equal measure.

Lilka Wed 20-Nov-13 16:26:05

Congratulations grin that's fantastic news

What an exciting time for you - are you on a big purchasing spree to get everything you need?

4 years is a very long time, poor thing and her poor FC's, I'm sure this will be extremely difficult/traumatic - I can never wrap my head around a child spending that long in care at such a young age sad

Congratulations Rationalthought hope things go really well.

RationalThought Wed 20-Nov-13 22:51:14

Thank you. Lots of decorating, shopping, meetings, etc. and Christmas in the middle of it all.

It's really hard to comprehend the sense of loss they will all feel. All we can do is try to be very aware of this, work together and rely on the advice and support of the social workers. This is the third attempt at a placement for her, hence the 4 years in care.

RationalThought Wed 20-Nov-13 22:53:05

Thank you Italiangreyhound - Obviously we really hope so too

Choccyjules Wed 20-Nov-13 23:08:20

I wish you all the best :-)

Meita Thu 21-Nov-13 10:14:10

Congratulations for being approved, Rational. And all the best of luck for getting everything ready, the introductions, and then settling in! Sounds like it might be a tough time coming up.

I assume that you knew about this little girl before today. Were you approved specifically regarding this child? Or, when in the process did you learn about her, did you 'find' her or did your SW approach you about her? Sorry about all the questions, I'm just curious smile

Kewcumber Thu 21-Nov-13 12:16:52

Congratulations Rational - it was 7 years ago today that I stood up in court in a very very far away land to be granted the adoption petition for DS.

Then the adventure really started!

Good luck to you all.

Happiestinwellybobs Thu 21-Nov-13 12:39:06

Congratulations Rational smile

The very best of luck with introductions.

RationalThought Thu 21-Nov-13 13:23:34

Thank you all for the kind messages.

Meita - We were identified as potential adopters for her very early in our journey, even before our formal application. So we've known about her for 6 months. It has made the process seem very long, even though we know that has really been very short. Given that she's never really known any other family, leaving the foster family will be very hard and we are expecting a difficult time for all in introductions. Hopefully time will show that it's best for her in the long term.

hi everyone, had two meetings with social worker yesterday. One just her and dh the other both of us and what we would like in our child. All went well and we discussed children of different heritages and what we are happy with. Because of how we both look there are lots of children who we look like and that we are open too so she is very positive about it. I've got my one on one on Monday and then it is 8 weeks to panel! !!!!
how is everyone else?

just read your news-congratulations rational!

32flavours Mon 25-Nov-13 19:56:52

Congratulations rational, that's great news!
I have my medical this week, can anyone tell me what to expect? I think I may be a bit overweight as I quit smoking to adopt and have put on a few pounds. I know bmi is considered when I adopting but how important is it?

medical is fine! they'll do your Bmi and if it's above a certain amount they measure your waist. It's a general medical that then gets sent off to a person to check. certain you giving up smoking will outweigh the putting on a few pounds.
We have had our one on ones now so thats another thing off the list!

MrsM2509 Mon 25-Nov-13 21:15:49

I'm a newbie! Myself and husband just had our first meeting today! Sent off our forms noting interest two weeks ago and had our first visit this afternoon. The lady was lovely. I don't know if the process is the same with every la, but she said that she now assigns us a worker who will start our application and assessment, and she will put our names forward for the next prep course. All very exciting and nerve wracking.

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