We've started the adoption process - anyone else been there?

(26 Posts)
Newbie2be Thu 06-Sep-12 20:39:44

We are in the process of having home visits/assessments from our social worker. We don't have children of our own but hope to adopt one to two children in the future. Any advice would be gratefully received!

Cheltenhamgirl Sat 29-Dec-12 23:56:10

Hi we are in a similar situation we have had a number of visits from our SW. We have no children of our own and have made the decision to adopt. Just wanted to share with you that you are not on your own we are at similar stage.

That sounds encouraging ladyofthehouse. There are two prep courses coming up, one starts this month and one starts in three months so they are quite frequent in my area.

Ladyofthehouse Wed 12-Sep-12 10:10:38

Hi Fishwife, just wanted to say that we had to wait about 5 months for our prep course which seemed like an eternity at the time!

But after prep everything does tend to move pretty quickly and it kind of takes over your life with home study and appointments so looking back we were quite glad of having a bit of time once we had made the decision. By the time we had got to our course we were so positive and had found out lots of information that I think that helped too.

Best of luck!

Hi fishwife all best wishes, sorry you have to wait so long for your prep group. I think we may end up waiting until then to.

Fishwife1949 Mon 10-Sep-12 20:02:29

Hi today i've been to a information day with our chosen LA and am waiting for the initial home visit but just wanted to say hello as well i was soo nervous i had the runs all day.

My situation is a little different to most but i hope i am welcome i currently am a foster carer (for thela i am hoping to adopt from) and have been for many years now once the placement we have ends we will not be retuning to fostering and hope to adopt (placemnt ending v son btw)

I was told today that our assessment will be a lot shorter as they know alot about us already (eek)

Also was told there are no prep groups until jan sad but am hoping to ask at the home visit if any one drops out of the october one if we can jump on in there place (that is if we get that far)

Happiestinwellybobs Mon 10-Sep-12 19:44:25

I would add to the above - be honest with your SW, about everything including (especially) the kind of child you are looking for.

We weren't asked about our sex life, and when I told her that I had cleaned my cupboards (very early nesting!) she roared with laughter! I only recently was made aware of my faux pas of not offering biscuits blush but it didn't hinder us. We were matched with a beautiful 10mo. old a year after our first enquiry.

Think about who you tell you're going through the process. Everyone at work knew and the daily questioning as to when we would have our DD once we had been approved, was draining!

Good luck - it can be tough going at times but SO worth it!

LocoParentis Mon 10-Sep-12 19:20:15

Hello Newbie2be, no advice from me i've just expressed an interest with our chosen LA and am waiting (impatiently) for the initial social worker visit but just wanted to say hi!

Ladyofthehouse Mon 10-Sep-12 11:16:06

Wow! We were never asked anything like that at all! Our SW was always very straight forward though and quite practical.

I think my answer would have been "we're happy with it"! Surely that's all that matters?!

Newbie2be - best of luck! Only advice I would have would be don't be afraid to ask as many questions as you want no matter how stupid or time consuming you think they are.

We felt like the process was starting to drag and kept wondering why we weren't being put forward for panel so we asked and our SW said "oh well I wasn't sure you were ready yet as you hadn't mentioned it but I'll book you in now."

I'm now slightly ashamed that we never had biscuits! But we did get a chocolate cake out to celebrate her last visit - which she found amusing!!

I would love to hear a sketch on this! I wonder if it is like a polite retorical question, like 'How do you do?' 'How do you do?' used to be.

SW "And how is your sex life?"

Prospective adopter "Fine, and how is yours?"

NO I won't do that at all, I will blush demurly and refer to DH as a stallion!

NO, I won't do that I will mumble something about 'about average' as if I know what the average is .......

Or..... any other suggestions?

Sorry Newbie2be off track! I am at the very start, please share you experiences with me/us, if you can, only what you are happy to share, I am all ears. Thank you.

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 09-Sep-12 21:24:25

Kew, please blog!!

OP, not a lot to add to the above, except I found their administration exceptionally incompetent (and pretty much re-wrote our PAR Form so that it made sense); they will fixate on what seem to you to be utterly random irrelevant things (eg your college boyfriend who you haven't seen for ten years);and it's worth remembering that SWdon't necessarily often do adoptions either.

Good luck!

Lilka Sun 09-Sep-12 21:00:58

Yes but imagine the equivalent question for a singlie to "Do you have a healthy sex life"

"Kew/Lilka/any single.....do you have a healthy solo sex life" (that's as crude as I'm getting)

!

Kewcumber Sun 09-Sep-12 20:50:06

the very short version....

SW (who I'd never met before) sent to do my home study update (have to have one annually if you are not matched) and I was waiting for my invitation to travel to Kaz expected within a week or two.

Tells me I have to be careful not to get pregnant whilst waiting for a match.
KC tries in any number of ways to explain that she is not in a "relationship" (note to self: don't use euphemisms with social workers) and therefore not likely to get pregnant in the next 2 weeks.

SW persists and gives birds and bees lecture about not needing to be "in a relationship" to get pregnant.
KC gives up euphemisms and being polite...
"Yes, but you do have to be having sex and I'm not, so unless I jump the taxi driver on the way to the airport, it's really not possible for me to get pregnant". (I think I'm paraphrasing, but not much! )

SW happy, KC wondering at what point her life dissolved into being lectured about safe sex by a complete stranger

Kewcumber Sun 09-Sep-12 20:46:08

I didn't exactlly avoid the sex question being a single adopter Lilka - though in a different format. Think I've posted it before to I'll go search and do a cut and paste jobby

Lilka Sun 09-Sep-12 19:58:49

I haven't heard 'how often do you have sex' before, but I have heard 'do you have a healthy sex life' and 'how do you think your sex life will be impacted by the new child/ren'. Number one seems to be part of judging whether the couple have a healthy relationship. Number two as part of seeing if the couple think their relationship will change after the child/ren arrive and how much. That's what I was told anyway, by a couple I'm friends with

See, there's advantages to being a single adopter wink

Karbea Sun 09-Sep-12 19:27:39

Why do they ask how often you have sex? How is that relevant?

2old2beamum Russia Sun 09-Sep-12 12:45:57

Kewcumber wish I had followed your advice re cupboards Dear BC's on being asked to show SW around house showed her inside every cupboard in the house even the linen cupboard blush Yes to a blog
Good luck Newbie2be best thing we have ever done (8 times) so it is not that bad.

Maiyakat Bosnia-Herzegovina Fri 07-Sep-12 18:25:39

Kew have you been spying on me?! grin

I'm at the end of my homestudy. Its not been easy, had some tough conversations with the Social Worker, had to keep reminding myself she knows what panel are going to ask and is just covering all bases. I'm lucky in that she is very experienced - its quite scary trusting to your future to someone you barely know! I've found it helpful talking to people who've already adopted, its amazing once you start telling people about your plans to adopt how many people have been there or can put you in touch with someone who has.

Good luck!

Moomoomie Fri 07-Sep-12 18:15:46

Kew.... Go on. Go on. Go on. Great idea. Let us know if you decide to.

Samantha1967 Fri 07-Sep-12 18:04:27

Been there done that - got 3 via two separate adoptions. Loads of obstacles, loads of problems but wouldn't change it/them for the world. What doesn't reduce you to a blathering wreck makes you stronger! We thoroughly enjoyed ours & had a wonderful social worker & it was really quick and easy - however, we were very very lucky, no one else I know of has had such an easy ride. Try to enjoy & watch out for the 'how many times do you have sex' question which they try & sneak in between something very bland!

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Fri 07-Sep-12 15:07:26

What Kewcumber said.

And remember, the biscuits are very important wink

And (my best advice to everyone) - don't let them put you off. The come up with obstacles and horror stories purely to weed out the people who are really interested in adopting from people who are vaguely thinking about it. Once they realise you are serious, they suddenly become nice (in my experience).

Best of luck smile

Kewcumber Fri 07-Sep-12 13:36:56

Moomoomie - have been asked by MNHQ to consider blogging (I'm sure they ask lots of people) - I'm seriously considering it!

Moomoomie Fri 07-Sep-12 13:34:58

Oh Kewcumber. You are so funny. You should really write a book. I would definitely buy it... Or borrow it from the library. grin
Newbie .... Best of luck with the home study, personally I enjoyed ours ( but I'm weird like that ) be as honest and open as you can be but be careful not to let the social worker push you towards a child/ children that you feel you cant manage.
Any questions fire away. We are a friendly bunch!

Kewcumber Thu 06-Sep-12 22:59:26

"Any advice would be gratefully received!"

Well my top tips would be:

1 - smile and nod (practice gritting your teeth and doing it - its very helpful)
2 - get the right biscuits (I'm a personal fan of the chocolate digestive, not too showy but shows a degree of trying to impress which goes down well. Your social worker will not eat any of them)
3 - get a variety of teas (your social worker will not drink any)
4 - clean the inside of all your cupboards (your social worker will not look in any of them)
5 - worry about everything you can think of (none of which will happen but something totally different you hadn't considered will)

I think thats about it.

calmlychaotic Thu 06-Sep-12 22:54:21

i only started the process this week so no advice sorry but thought i'd say good luck x

Lilka Thu 06-Sep-12 20:58:45

Hi and welcome smile

This is a pretty active forum, and there are several people who are going through the process now, and quite a few more of us who have completed adoptions

How are you finding the home study so far?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now