Help please re: matching

(39 Posts)
MissFenella Wed 22-Aug-12 18:32:16

SW came over today and just dropped into the conversation that they have changed the timetable for meeting our adoptees. They have added an extra 2 weeks onto the timetable.

We have had this discussion before. The FC wanted the girls to move mid October, to fit with their half term and so they could have an early birthday party. We obviously want them here asap but being pragmatic suggested the start of the month. We then got confirmation that the agreed plan was for 1st October. (All of this considering they should have been here from mid sept - but FC booked a holiday and necessitated respite for the girls...)

Today we have been told, its not going to be before mid October at the earliest (ie going with the FC preferred options). The agreed plan wasn't a plan blah de blah.

We being gullible idiots have structured our adoption leave around what was agreed! It such a pain and I genuinely feel that this is to dance to FC tune rather than what is best for the girls.

I doubt we have any authority to change things but does anyone have any advice or failing that could cheer me up a bit?

adoptmama Wed 22-Aug-12 18:45:39

Sorry you are going thru this. I remember being told it was impossible for me to get DD1 before christmas (thankfully didn't turn out that way) and I was devastated. I know this must be so painful and disappointing for you that the start of your new family life together is being delayed. As my adoptions are outwith the UK I'm afriad I have no advice as to whether you can change this decision - just advice on how to try to view it in a different light....

My advice, on a practical level, would be to immediately make arrangements with your employer to move the start date of the adoption leave. I would expect and hope your employer can accommodate this as you are still giving plenty of notice and it is not unusual to have delays in adoption.

I would also say to try to view what is happening in the delay as being good for the girls on one level, in that they have a better finish and start time with the old/new schools as they will be moving over a holiday. It gives them a chance to move on and prepare for the new start without being thrown straight into it. They will have so many changes going on in such a short space of time that perhaps having a few days extra grace over the half term to process it all will be good for them. It does also give them time to have a final b/d party with the foster family which may well be important for them too. I know it is better for them to be settled in their new family but it is also important that their good byes are handled well.

Sorry I'm sure its not really much of a comfort. I also found screaming at the walls made me feel a lot better!

MissFenella Wed 22-Aug-12 19:35:58

Thanks Mama

We are pulling ourselves together now and thinking big picture. Dh will change his time and I will take leave.

MissFenella Sun 21-Oct-12 17:21:22

Well, they move in tomorrowgrin

Very mixed feelings about it, sure it's normal for any parent.

Either way, tomorrow will change our lives forever!

Lilka Sun 21-Oct-12 17:27:23

Oh fantastic grin

Big congratulations to you smile

lunar1 Sun 21-Oct-12 17:28:18

Congratulations for tomorrow, hope everything goes well.

ovenglove Sun 21-Oct-12 17:29:14

How exciting....and terrifying! Its now 2 years since DD was placed and life has most certainly changed. Enjoy pumpkin carvinggrin

MissFenella Sun 21-Oct-12 17:58:50

Luckily I love all that shizzle, I already have 3 pumpkins blush

Great news.

Devora Sun 21-Oct-12 22:21:17

Oh wow! Best of luck smile

Moomoomie Mon 22-Oct-12 19:30:39

Hope all went well today, mixed emotions I expect.
Congratulations and best wishes.

lunar1 Wed 24-Oct-12 10:20:57

Hope everything is going well.

MissFenella Wed 24-Oct-12 21:37:51

Not really - girls are fine its me and Dh who don't like it sad really feel we have made an awful cock up.

HappySunflower Wed 24-Oct-12 22:00:13

It is bound to be a big life change for you both so will take some adjustment.

Want to talk about what it is you feel you don't like?

thanks

KristinaM Wed 24-Oct-12 22:28:42

How did the introductions go? Did you have these concerns from the start or just since they actually moved in?

It's such a stressful time I know, but please come back and tell us when you can

MissFenella Thu 25-Oct-12 07:16:46

It is just the whole what have we done thing

I am sure it will improve.

Will post more tonight when they are in bed.

Moomoomie Thu 25-Oct-12 08:23:32

It is such a huge, life changing event that you are going through. You are bound to feel a bit scared. You now have two little people who depend on you totally.
I am sure everyone goes through this stage to a certain extent.

And, to be honest, after all the assessment and intros etc once it is just you as a family together at home it can be a bit of an anti climax, even though this is what you have been building up to for all these months.

Take care of yourselves, talk to us, hopefully we can help.

KristinaM Thu 25-Oct-12 09:31:45

Hope you are feeling better miss fenella. How are your 3 bio kids coping? Are your new children at school?

Brasssection Thu 25-Oct-12 10:46:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

funnychic Thu 25-Oct-12 12:00:44

Missfennella I really feel for you, I am having serious doubts and my child hasn't even arrived yet. Please keep posting the good people on here have great advice and for me, your thought's and how you deal with them I'm sure will resonate with me and others. x

Devora Thu 25-Oct-12 17:21:25

This is so difficult, because nobody can ever tell someone they will enjoy parenthood.

BUT I can promise, hand on heart, that when I adopted dd2 I felt little other than fatigue, resentment and a screaming desire for freedom. I was kind of proud of her, mainly because she was so pretty and everyone admired her [not-proud-of-myself emoticon]. I reckon it took me six months to get fond of her, and a year to love her. And then in the second year I hurtled into new depths of love that just increased all the time.

What kept me going? Actually, it was knowing that this was exactly what happened with dd1, who is my birth child. I don't think I'm very good at instant bonding. I also know I'm better with older children than with young toddlers and babies (they're cute but BORING and the lack of communication is so FRUSTRATING).

I also knew people who had adopted and experienced the same thing. A very old friend of mine adopted a 1yo and when I first visited them I was shocked at her fairly obvious ambivalence towards him. I thought, "Oh my god, that poor kid, this won't last". But within a year she was completely besotted with them and, 6 years on, that placement is going brilliantly.

So I think I just kept going and had faith that the feelings would come. I decided early enough to forgive myself, to allow myself to keep a smiling face while inside I was thinking, "Leave me alone, you little toerag". And the feelings DID come and I'm really glad I didn't panic.

Kewcumber Thu 25-Oct-12 17:23:23

I don;t need to write anything as this says it exactly for me:

So I think I just kept going and had faith that the feelings would come. I decided early enough to forgive myself, to allow myself to keep a smiling face while inside I was thinking, "Leave me alone, you little toerag". And the feelings DID come and I'm really glad I didn't panic.

Happiestinwellybobs Thu 25-Oct-12 20:56:55

It is normal to feel this way. It is 7 months since we brought our DD home, and it has not been easy. I honestly don't think anyone would have suspected it, but I struggled - lots! I have had ups and downs with my feelings for her, but slowly we have built our bond.

These are early days for you - my first days were full of "what on earth have we done?" thoughts. Take time for yourselves.

I now don't regret adopting our DD a bit (something I couldn't have honestly said at time over the past few months). She is a delight, and I know how lucky we are to have her.

I didn't talk to anyone about how I felt - eventually my DH. My advice is to talk to people in RL if you can.

Stay strong - remember why you came to adoption. When times were tough, I thought about our SW's words at panel. She said that I should remember how i felt at that time, how much we wanted our DD. And I did - and it helped.

MissFenella Thu 25-Oct-12 21:08:09

Thank you so much. I do feel small steps forwards. I'm being kind to myself (and Dh) and we are laughing our way through this.

Thanks again x

Ps I have no bio kids, let alone 3 !

KristinaM Fri 26-Oct-12 07:28:56

Apologies, I was confused blush

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