How do others broach subject of bio siblings existing?

[adoptmama]

Hello everyone. I have 2 adopted daughters age 2 and 5.5. DD1 is a very bright, articulate and self aware little sausage. She has a very firm grasp of what it means to be adopted (when she was 3 she told me it was "unhygenic" that she grew in someone else's 'tummy' :)) We have gone through her birth story many times and it often exposes different feelings. Most often she shows a huge amount of empathy for her birth mother; telling her story picture "I will always love you." We have discussed whether her bm thinks of her on her birthday etc. whether she was sad she couldn't keep DD and so on, after she initiated discussions on this, and so far she has processed the information fairly well. Overall, at her current age, she is positive about adoption, understands there was loss in it for others but has not yet reached a point of really understanding what she has also lost; first family, birth culture, language etc.

I should say also that I am not living in the UK. Where I live adoption is maybe more like the UK in the fifties or sixties, with some families still not telling children they are adopted, birth family information being very poorly gathered and there being a very negative attitude on the whole towards birth mothers - birth fathers are so unimportant they are just written as 'unknown' on the birth certificate in my dds cases, even though they were known! We have no photos of the birth families, although I continue to try to get them for both girls, and no chance of contact. Social workers are shocked when I broach the idea of birth family contact or suggest the birth families might like photos of my girls!

So I suppose where I am going to is the fact that my eldest knows she has a BM, understands there was a BF too, though whether she has truly processed this I am not sure. She knows her little sister has biological siblings because she heard the conversations at the orphanage when I was bringing DD home. But she does not know that she also has bio sibs and that they were raised by the birth family. Is anyone able to share how they broached this topic with their child and at what age? DD came home to me at 10 months having gone straight from hospital to orphanage, so she has no cognitive memories of her birth family at all. This is the one part of her life story I have never really been able to figure out when and how to share with her. I am fearful that she will question why she was placed for adoption and the others were not, that she will see it as some kind of fault in her that she was not kept, which of course is a million miles from the truth. That fear holds me back from telling her and I don't want it to become the unspoken, hidden part of her story; she has a right to know of course, I am just really struggling with the how and when. And if there are any adoptees out there who have been in similar circumstances please could you give me any advice on how to approach this part of her life story with DD?

[Devora]

I am marking my place too. My adopted daughter is nearly 3, and struggling to get her head round adoption. She has bio siblings that I haven't mentioned to her yet.

[Luckystar96]

Speaking as someone who was adopted in the 1960s as a baby. I was told I had had another mummy as soon as I could understand it, and this I know has helped enormously with my acceptance of it all. I would say that your DD would surely benefit from being told ASAP that she has birth siblings. They ARE still her siblings I would go so far as saying it is her right to know actually. If she grows up and finds out later that you kept something like that from her, that is going to be far far more damaging than anything you tell her at the age of 5. I know it will be difficult as you have no pictures etc but I think she needs to have every bit of information( in an appropriate form for a young child to understand, of course) that is available to you. Good luck, adoption is a lifetime commitment, for sure. You sound great BTW.

[loflo]

Fraid I kind of have to disagree with lucky star. DS has a whole sibling that has remained with birth mum and she is also expecting again and this will be a half sibling. However these are not brothers/sisters to DS any more than she is their mum. If he had brothers and sisters they would live in this house here with his mum and dad. These poor kids are the children of his birth parents.

[Lilka]

I never had to broach the subject with DD's because of their age, but I have talked to DS about it

He is still processing it i think, and he doesn't talk about them a lot, although he's positive about them when he does talk. All his known siblings are older than him, some many years older and adults. None live with his first mum. He's not seen any of them, although DD2 has. He does participate in the letter writing to them, and he seems happy to get their letters and photos back - those are the times we have conversations about them

I think I broached the subject through letterbox in the first place. I told him we had a letter from X and Y who were his older siblings because they also grew in Z's tummy, just like DD2 and him. He was too young to understand at that point, I just decided it might be easier for him if he always knew, as with first parents. Other people don't do that, and you can only make the decision you think is right at the time

I'm not really sure what I would have done if we didn't have contact with some of his siblings. Maybe I would have left it longer before talking to him. The letters seemed like a natural starting point, but it's harder to find one without them. Perhaps you could use friends and their siblings? Or if you talk about birth mum, add siblings on to the end, because they grew in her tummy as well?

[funnychic]

Hiya

Maryz and Devora, can I just ask what do you mean "I am marking my place"?
Sorry if it's an obvious answer, I'm a bit thick!

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

Ds's birth sister was born the year his adoptive sister died.
Due to his age and disabilities this made it impossible to tell him she had been born.
He has asked over the last few years so I have told him. He wants to meet her but BM would only do this if we literally dropped him off at her house and left him there.
This isn't going to happen.
We have quite a few photos thanks to the wonders of Facebook.

It is liely e has several siblings on his bf side but I can't begin to approach that with him.

Personally his sister is his sister and I how one day hey can have a relationship. My son is very vulnerable though. So we shall have to see how it goes.

[Devora]

funnychic, it just means that you are posting so that the thread comes up when you click 'I'm on', so making it less likely you'll forget about it and lose it. So you do it when you don't have much to say (yet) but want to keep up with the conversation.

[funnychic]

Ahh right thanks for that.

[Offredalba]

In 1979, I lost my firstborn child to adoption. In 2010, he found me and my two raised children, his half brother and half sister. Ironically, ds2 and dd knew of the existence of their brother before ds1 was even told of his adoption. One of the greatest joys of the reunion has been witnessing the bonds which have grown between them. Their relationships are untainted by fears (however unjustified) of rejection and abandonment. I think all of them had the right to know each other.

[Devora]

I will of course tell my dd about her half-siblings. I have to admit, though, I am dreading it. One is because at some stage I will have to tell her what their lives have been like (because it ties in with her adoption), and I think that will raise very complicated feelings about her birth parents. Secondly, she may well seek contact with them later; they are very damaged young people and I worry about how they will respond to her.

Still, it must be done and it will be done.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I am sitting here shaking a bit. It has literally NEVER occurred to me until reading your post OP that I might have bio aunts and uncles and possibly even cousins out there that I know nothing about.

My darling Dad was adopted in 1940 in Canada when he was 3 days old. He was never told until he overheard neighbours chatting in the supermarket when he was about 10 years old and went and asked his mum. (thank goodness things have moved on since then). It was never spoken of again and it was thoroughly understood by me and my DB from a very young age that it was NEVER to be mentioned in front of my grandma because it would upset her too much.

DF knows his birth mother's name but never looked for her while my grandma was alive because it would have hurt her too much. However she died in 1994 and I suppose lethargy must have taken over because he hasn't done anything since then. when I've asked about it, his response is always, oh yes, I should really do that, would be interesting / maybe important from a medical history point of view. E.g. Not hiding from it but not in the forefront of his mind IYSWIM. This was always fine with me, no pressure, would like to know a bit more medical history now that I have the DD's, but all in good time.

Now he has stage 4 prostate cancer that has spread to anywhere and everywhere and we really don't know how much longer he has. Coincidentally we are going to see my DP's tomorrow so I think it might be time to raise this again. Of course the chances of his birth mother being alive still are pretty slim.

It is so weird to think I might have aunts or uncles around. I literally have no idea why this has never occurred to me before.

Sorry for hijacking.

[adoptmama]

Hearts so sorry to hear of your DFs illness. In similar theme, my (ex) sister in law and I were talking just a few weeks ago. Her mum was adopted and about 10-15 years ago she found her birth mother. All of her (adult) children enjoyed a relationship with their biological grandmother for several years before her death and still have very warm and friendly contact with their aunt (their mum's half sister, who is her double, and so like her in character). Now my exSIL has also traced other members of the biological family (primarily cousins on her biological grandfathers side). She (SIL) says the adoption of her mother hasn't just affected mum, but her also, as she feels there are pieces of her family and history she has lost too (as well as the inevitable blanks on medical history). As far as she is concerned the adoption has had a profound a multi generational affect.

I know with DD it is something that I will tell her within the next 6-12 months and from being on here, reading responses and clarifying my own thoughts I think it will be actually very soon. I do think it is easier if children grow up with as much knowledge as possible. DD does have a lot of empathy for her BM and I think has the ability to begin to comprehend the reasons why (older) siblings could stay with mum but she as a newborn couldn't. Also I know that I can't prevent her from having emotional reactions to the knowledge of this (or any) part of her life story. I could tell her tomorrow and she might be very matter of fact and accepting and then, in 3 or 4 years time, really struggle with the idea. So I think I am leaning towards telling her now, having it become another, familiar part of her life story so that she has the vocabulary and knowledge to discuss it when ready to.

[Kayano]

I am your daughter, I have a full bio sister that was raised by my birth family (mainly by the grandma by all accounts though)

I've always known about her and known her name and was lucky enough to know why it worked out that way (mother couldn't look after a second child, grandmother was very old at that point)

I've never went to find my bm or sister though. I think honesty is always the best policy in these situations.

I also wouldn't speculate with a child if the bm thinks of them on bdays etc as they might build up this fantasy in their mind that may be crushed when they are older. You just never know

[twonker]

If you tell children important and difficult things early on, they can ask the questions one by one, and have time to digest the information before thinking of the next, and sometimes more difficult questions. If you wait til they are a bit older, they think quicker and are more aware that information has been withheld, and take less time to digest the information, and ask a lot of questions all at once and it can therefore be more shocking for them.

I think this goes for any difficult topic really. I found out about my half brother bit by bit from an early age, and it meant that although he only became part of my life in my 20's I quickly felt that he had always been my brother. Now we have a good relationship and although it is not the same as the closeness I have with my sister, the unconditional aspect of it is very much there. Good luck in your journeys.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Adoptmama thanks. DF seems to be doing great all things considered! I think seeing his granddaughters is some of the best medicine there is. It's so nice to be here with my DPs and also try to give my mum a break since she basically spends all her time caring for dad.

Adoption really does have a multi-generation impact especially if it is "hidden". I think it sounds like you are handling things really really well for your DD.

My DB and I have a bit of a joke that our family tree is just a sapling! DF has no other family and DM was a Barnardo's child (although we are in touch with some of her bio siblings, which is great).

[Hayleyh34]

Hello

We have just broached this subject with our daughter as she has a half sibling. She is 5 and was really interested to find it out. She asked lots of questions around it and carries on doing so.

The one tricky thing we found, is that at her age she obviously hasn't learnt who to share information with. We went to the park recently where she bumped into a little friend and straight away she told her that she had a brother who doesn't live with her.

We don't have a problem with that per se as we're happy that she's so open but we sometimes worry if this will have a negative side when she's older. Although, I expect that when she's older, she'll probably be more careful with who she shares her story with!

[QOD]

My DD is a straight surrogate baby and has, technically, got a half brother.
When she was about 6, several of her friends had little brothers, all 3 of her little 4some.she then wanted to have a brother, and wanted to tell all her friends she had a big brother.
I had to explain Haley, that it wasn't a secret but was private. If she told them,she couldn't un tell.
That she should wait til she's a big girl and decide what to do.
She's now 13 and adamant he's not her half brother.
I think I called it right.
It is hard, DD was obviously planned to be ours and not adopted from a family as such.

Hard innit

[adoptmama]

Well, sooner than originally planned, I have told her. Definitely from reading responses on here I knew I wanted it to be a conversation in the near future, but certainly didn't expect it to come into the conversation so easily or rapidly. As with all our 'big' conversations this one happened in the car. I think she finds it easier to talk to the back of my head at these times! :)

Went to collect my new reading glasses today and arranged eye test for DD. One conversation led to another about shared characteristics, things that can be inheritied, looking like biological relatives etc. so I seized the moment and told her very matter of factly that her papers from social workers said N. had two other other children and they would be her brother and sister. Talked about how her little sister, DD2, has 7 siblings. She opined that they must think about her as she will always be their little sister, decided she wants to call them her brother and sister for now. We'll see how it percolates in her brain. She had a lot of questions. It led onto why her mum placed her, how what she needed as a baby was different/difficult for N to provide.

I am very relieved it is done and is now a natural part of her life story. I know - as with all of this - we will revisit many times. She has told me she wants photos of them and I have explained that I have been trying to get this done for her but it hasn't happened yet. I have promised to keep trying. Big thanks to everyone for your responses and shared stories. It gave me the courage and certainty that she was not to young and in telling her now it has stopped it becoming the big unspoken elephant in the room for me.

[twonker]

Sounds like you have really good communication , it's interesting that the car is a good place to talk, isn't it. Well done and good luck for the future.

[Lilka]

Yes, all of mine start large numbers of difficult conversations in the car. Much less pressure for them because there's no eye contact or touching or anything involved, they can also focus on things outside whilst talking. And they seem to prefer not having my undivided attention when talking about emotional things - they also start these conversations when we're cycling, when I'm preparing food etc. I still find it odd when DD2 does this, because she tries to demand 100% of my attention most of the rest of the time. If she wants to talk about something not-very-important, she tries to bring me to a complete stop so I'm focussed entirely on her and woe betide me if I want to wash up or cook at the same time...but when it comes to her mum, siblings, abuse, social workers etc, I have to be trying to negotiate extremely busy city centre systems at the same time

I'm glad the conversation was fine, I agree, you've got good communication. Well done :)

[Offredalba]

Speaking from the other end of the adoption journey, I think that the casual approach to informing about siblings is the best.
I was cleaning the bath, when my daughter asked me if I minded only having two children. 'Well actually I have three children' slipped out of my mouth without a second thought. When I had to follow up by explaining that I had lost a child to adoption five years before her brother was born, she accepted it thoughtfully. Meanwhile, I was frantically trying to think of all the answers to every follow up question, that I would normally have prepared for the impart of such important, high impact information. My first thought was fear that they would think that they could be given away or taken from me. The big serious conversations never came, although there were questions from time to time, and when reunion happened, they were as delighted as I was to meet their brother. I think that the fact that I was completely open with them ensured their trust and confidence in me.
So I think speaking about this whenever children choose to ask, is the right thing and maybe asking in the car or when you are busy is the way that they feel they can take control of the conversation, and get the instant unpackaged answers, rather than during the serious mum talks that we give when we have an agenda.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

We talk to DD about her older half sibling, but she is still young and her understanding is limited. I also think that her memory of her half sibling is fading, if not gone. We're hoping that letterbox contact will give her and us regular opportunities to discuss her half sibling without a big "reveal", but we will see. She has other half siblings on the other side where there is no planned contact, although we have photos etc, and am less confident about having meaningful conversations about them.

Far harder is discussing all this with DS (our birth child), who seems to understand that DD has other relations, but also insists that he is the only big brother (which of course on one hand he is, but he also isn't IYSWIM)