Kewcumber and Hester need a vehicle to whine

[Kewcumber]

I had lunch with some friends from the PTA yesterday. A very lovely woman (who would probably be mortified to know I was wound up by her comment) was breast-feeding her newborn. Another of the PTA who is herself adopted said "never mind, my mum never got to breast feed either" which startled me a bit as I hadn't actually been thinking anything along those lines. So I shrugged and said, "oh it really doesn't matter to me these days, its not something I think of much anymore". Lovely breast feeding lady said "Weren't you lucky not to suffer the pain of pregnancy/breast feeding" (I cant' remember the exact phrase).

I think she caught me at a bad time because normally I would probably just think - oh she's having a hard time breast feeding and sleepless nights and smile nicely saying "yes aren't I lucky". But instead I smiled nicely and said "yes, on the other hand my child has a year of his life missing which I can't fill for him which is painful to me"

Now I feel like a bitch because I'm sure she was just doing what we discussed on the thread - just trying to look on the positive side.

It always rubs me up the wrong way when people imply adopting is easier than giving birth. Is there a way of desensitizing myself to it because I don't think the general public are going to change any time soon!?

[Moomoomie]

Oh Kew. I know exactly how you feel, there are many times I have bitten my lip rather than blurt out.
Did you see the thread on chat about adoption, I did not post on it, but it shows people still do not understand adoption. To be honest I'm not sure how we can educate the general public on this.
With dd3 I made a conscious decision to not tell people at school she is adopted ( I know for you, your story is different yo ours, so is not possible. )
It has made things easier, but amazingly people still talk of their birth stories etc five years later.
I'm afraid I have no practical advice.
Hopefully what you said to the woman will make her think.

[funnychic]

Kew, firstly how amazingly quick you are at finding an answer that fits the bill, I know I would have sat, not having a good answer at hand. No need at all to feel a bitch it sounds like just an off the cuff remark that she put no thought behind and was just blurted out so I'm sure she wont have been offended by your reply. Hope that makes you feel a little better x

[Lovesoftplay]

It's hard to bite your lip sometimes, and maybe your response will make her think a little before saying such things again. I know that sounds a little mean but it annoys me too when people say things like "at least you've got no stretch marks". I would happily have an entire body full of stretch marks if my beautiful son had been born to me, but he wasn't and we are happy just the way we are

I think you are allowed a slip up every now and then, and as you advised on my thread "let it go"!!!

[kitsmummy]

I think she really was just trying to be nice. The other lady had mentioned it as if it's a bit of a loss for you (not breastfeeding that is). I imagine she could have thought you might be sensitive about it and just wanted to look on the bright side as it were. Honestly, it's the kind of thing I can imagine myself saying and it really would be said with the best of intentions!

[kitsmummy]

Oh and I'd never think that adopting was an easier option than giving birth, no way! I think she was probably just trying to get over what she thought was a slightly awkward conversation.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Oh, that's a tough one Kew. I have no idea. And you're certainly not a bitch.

[Lilka]

The amount of threads on this forum which are about comments people make....well, says it all really, doesn't it?!

I don't know how to grow a thick skin! But good answer

[Kewcumber]

"I think she was probably just trying to get over what she thought was a slightly awkward conversation"

Yes I imagine that is what she thought and she is genuinely very lovely and mostly very thoughtful. Doesn't mean it didn't make me wince though - whatever her intentions.

It followed on the heels of DS being asked openly (and loudly in class) "why did your real mum give you up?" by one of his best friends. I had hoped for a little more time before we had to deal with that at school.

"Oh and I'd never think that adopting was an easier option than giving birth, no way!" well you might not but plenty of people do.

[jenny60]

I am a very new adoptive mummy, but have already been asked some amazing things; e.g, 'why was she removed from her real mother?' . And that was from a near stranger!
You were not a bitch. If the other adoption thread is anything to go by, people remain woefully ignorant and we and our children bear the brunt of that.

[firsttimemama]

I think I'd be inclined to say "there are pros and cons to both circumstances" because this lady probably didn't mean any harm but she probably doesn't understand all the ramifications on adoption both for the parent and the child. If then she were to inquire a little further you could then be more specific without being confrontational or offended.

[QOD]

Do you find "real mother" hurtful? I do. It's birth mother, or when dd was little, tummy mum.
Real makes me feel like I'm NOT her mum

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Jenny, I've found that Q about why DD couldn't stay with her birth mother (or "real mother", as has been aid more than once...) the most commonly asked, especially in the early days. I don't think people realise how intrusive it is, and it makes me sad that so many people look at DD and wonder that Q.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

QOD - cross post. "real mother" is horrid

[jenny60]

Yes, 'real mother' is horrible. Coupled with asking about dd's past, it becomes unforgivable. How could anyone think that was any of their business? I'm afraid I wasn't diplomatic and simply said 'I can't believe you asked me that'. Others have gone on and on about how she looks like us, and how 'no one would ever know'. As if I cared.
Maryz: just awful!

[Moomoomie]

It does seem to me that the general public think they have a certain right to ask personal questions, almost as though the children " belong " to society, because they have been in the care system.

[Kewcumber]

I have taught DS that people will ask questions because they are curious. And that its understandable that they might be curious but just because they want to know doesn't mean he has to tell them anything. i just need to learn that myself! Firsttimemama I don't really feel the need to share with anyone the ramifications of adoption, whether they are well intentioned or not. I'm sure that people with childrne who have identifiable eg Downs syndrome get a bit fed up of educating people.

Anyway I have got over myself a bit. Its partly me being sensitive.

[EightiesOlympicGolds]

If you were feeling charitable, I'd go for:

'Well, that's one way to look at it'.

For the background / personal questions one, possibly
'Sorry, I don't understand why you're asking' - then if they don't get the message 'Sorry, I still really don't understand why you're asking me' and/or 'That's private. Another cup of tea?'

[Devora]

Of course people don't mean to be nosey and insensitive. But this stuff does get to you, and it's important to let off steam about it sometimes. I'm sure I've said stuff just as duff myself, probably still do, but that doesn't mean that we and our children should just endlessly suck up without occasionally offering the odd bit of feedback.

OK, so here's my whinge. I live in a very, very undiverse area (as you know, Kew, it's like the Truman Show come to life). The other mums at school are a lovely bunch, but I do feel very aware of the multiple ways my family is different to theirs. So you can imagine how excited I was to discover some other lesbian mums who are adopting a sibling group who will be at my dd's school. She won't be the only one anymore! Anyway, they told me a funny story about what happened when they met the headmaster and asked him if there were any other lesbian mothers at the school. I was just telling this story to a couple of my schoolgate friends when another mum - a really, really nice woman, which made it worse - jumped down my throat and started demanding why on earth was I going on about this and what did it matter and why did I want to make my child so different.

She had actually misunderstood what I had been saying, but it was really hard to get her to stop going on at me because she thought I was saying the head should have been telling her proudly about my dd, whereas all I was doing was laughing at how everyone involved in the conversation was squirming with discomfort.

She did make big efforts to make it ok afterwards. And she is a lovely woman so I'm prepared to give her many benefits of the doubt. But I felt shaken. I suppose it made me think that I skate on quite a thin layer of acceptance. and that others may see my rainbow family as this Thing that I Go On About, and what do I think makes me so special etc. Whereas actually I think I bend quite far to make them all feel comfortable with me. Sometimes too far. When my eldest started school, and when my youngest started pre-school, I raised with the teachers the issue of their family background, thinking there would be some (brief) discussion of what this might mean. In both cases, the subject was dismissed, and I accepted that, but I think now I shouldn't have. And things get said all the time that I do just grin and bear - like another, very nice, woman recently made a couple of jokes about my 'PC child with her PC doll'. I was so tempted to turn round and say, "This is not a PC child. She is a black child. She is my child. And she has a black doll. What part of that is a problem for you?" But I wussed out. And it feels hard when all that biting my lip just doesn't seem to buy me any slack, that I'm still accused of special pleading the minute something gets misunderstood.

That was a really long and self-pitying whinge. It made me feel better. Now, has anybody read 'Cheer up your teddy bear, Emily Brown'? Genius book. It's about this miserable, self-pitying teddy who responds to every effort to cheer her up by moaning this refrain:

"Pooooooor ME.... poooooooor ME......
Poor little sad little wet little ME
I'm a lonely only bear and I'm feeling very blue,
I've got no teddy friends and there's nothing here to do,
I'm bored and it's raining and raining is no fun,
There are no other teddybears, I'm the lonely only one."

EVERYBODY in my family - even the 2yo - has taken this up as our mantra when we're feeling sorry for ourselves. It never fails to turn a whinge into a laugh.

[5madthings]

oh god do people REALLY say things like that? i havent adopted and even I can see they are offensive, i guess people dont think?

its not the same at all but i get lots of comments about having 4 boys, i am sure people are just trying to make conversation, but just THINK before you open your mouth and speak ffs!

[Devora]

Perhaps we should start a thread about naffo things we have said, and only learned later - through reading MN or just growing life experience - were really Not On. I'm almost certain I've been guilty of saying stupid things to mothers of four sons, or mothers of multiples, or - worse - people who have been bereaved, or who are very seriously ill.

Sometimes I wake up in the night like this . But mainly I just try to learn and do better.