Should I talk to my friends about their DD's behaviour?

[SuffolkSally]

Namechanged but could do with some advice from lovely people in this topic who always give good advice.

My friends adopted their DD a couple of years ago. She and my DD get on very well most of the time although their relationship is a bit volatile but as they live a fair distance apart we don't see one another a lot.

Because of the distance, they stay over when they visit and her DD sleeps in my DD's room for logistical reasons (our DD comes into our room and sleeps on the floor - there isn't enough room in the spare room for a bed on the floor). I realised after they left the last time that a number of DD's things had been wrecked after they'd left - stuff had been cut, broken and ripped. My DD was upset and said that the friend's DD had done it and that she doesn't want their DD sleeping in her room any more.

While they were visiting, my friend said to me that she is worried about her DD having issues with not being invited back to friends' houses and now I wonder if her DD is doing the same sort of thing round her friends' houses and that's why she's not getting invited back. :confused: :(

Should I say something to my friend? I don't want to upset her but at the same time if there's an issue that's affecting her DD's friendships, then her parents might want to know so they can deal with it. Both our children are 5 incidentally.

Would appreciate any advice. BTW I do know their DD's background but not willing to go into it here for obvious reasons. It was difficult though.

[AllPastYears]

No experience of adoption, but it seems like someone needs to tell them! Particularly as your friend has mentioned that her DD doesn't get invited back to friends, if it isn't a one-off then they really need to know.

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

I think you should.
They need to be aware, particularly as she is not being invited round to friends.
I would want to know.
They cant help her if they dont.

[Devora]

Yes, you should tell them. Best of luck.

[Lilka]

You sound like a lovely friend. Of course you don't want to upset her, but she won't be upset with you for gently letting her know about this, just upset at the situation

If I were her mother, I would want to know. As MrsDV said, nothing can be done if they aren't aware of this. Hopefully her DD can be helped and supported in the future with her friendships

[SuffolkSally]

Thanks, that's really helpful. I think I will wait until we see one another face to face in a few months' time and see if I can piggyback off a conversation about friends generally

[Italiangreyhound]

I am not an adopter but hope to be one day.

I do have a DD aged 7 and we do have family members to stay. Plus have had one or two incidents with friends' kids.

As others have said I would definitely tell the mum.

Finding out the child is doing this will be helpful because then they can speak to her and see what is driving the behaviour.

I've had to try and seperate what my child and my friend's children do from what my friends (adults) and I feel about our friendship - if that makes sense!

I'd also suggest when they stay again that you (and your partner, if you are a couple) go and sleep in the spare room and your DD stays in her own room and your friend/s sleep in your room with their DD on the floor. Or at least offer that as a suggestion. You could say that your DD has given up her bed a few times and it would be nice if she didn't have to one time. Also she/they could keep an eye on their DD and may feel happier with that.

All the best, it is hard when children as friends fall out. Long term family friendships can be so valuable for all kids so I do hope you resolve this suitably.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Yes, you do need to mention this. They will thank you for it in the long run. Good luck.

[Kewcumber]

I wouldn't wait to see them face to face. Ring them and say that you asked your DD why she thought theirs might not be being invited back and that she told you them about her things being broken and how upset she was about it. Say you wouldn't have raised it ordinarily but as they had mentioned it, you thought they might want to know...