Buying stuff prior to approval!

[funnychic]

Well as the heading says I did give in yesterday and buy something even though I'm not approved yet, (3rd week July). I went window shopping with my mum and she got more excited than me when we got to Toys R Us, they were having a Jubilee sale and she bought her grandchild a wendy house that was £100 reduced to half price and when we got to the till they were giving some customers a further 20%off so was a bargain £40!! Its in the box in the garage for now but its kinda making the whole process real now.
SW told me on last visit get my celebartory meal sorted out as she thinks ill pass no problems so I am blaming her for the spending!!!!

[Adoptionrulesok]

It's really hard isn't it :) We bit the bullet and kitted out 2 bedrooms and bought new toys, a buggy etc etc all before our matching panel. You have to buy stuff or you will have a 2week mad rush after panel whilst you wait for the first time you meet them.

I adored buying the stuff for my boys, the only thing we didn't buy was clothes as I knew they would come with enough to tide them over and I wanted to wait to suss out their individual personalities.

I am jealous of you buying all the new kiddie stuff, it's such a lovely feeling :)

A tip: speak to the foster carer and find out exactly what they are coming with. It can save you loads of money (especially with toys).

[nosleepwithworry]

aww thats SO lovely, made me have a little tear in my eye

Dont mean to sound like doom & gloom, but is it not like when you find out you are expecting.....will it not jinx things if you buy before you are 100% that all will go well?

[Moomoomie]

I remember that time so well.
We had been told about our two little girls before we had even been approved.. Naughty social worker really shouldn't have.
I remember daring DH to buy a couple of outfits while we were shopping one day. We still have them now, my favourites!
After we had been matched we went to mamas and papas to buy the car seats. The assistants face was a picture when we tried two second stage seats in the car and bought a first stage seat and cot at the same time.
She probably thought we were buying things very early, because I was obviously not pregnant.
It is a mad few weeks, and very expensive.
Good luck and happy shopping.
My in laws bought the girls a play house for the garden just before they came home, it is still going strong 11 years later.

[nosleepwithworry]

Ahh i see, its pretty much 100%, its just waiting for the final bits & bats is it. Thats brilliant, you must be so excited.

Can i ask, how long has it taken you to get to this stage?
has it been difficult?
What made you make the decision to adopt and did you agonise over it or was it a natural decision?
We are at the very very start, just talking about it at the moment, so would appreciate your views.
x

[Lilka]

I bought a few bits and bobs before approval. Not a lot, because my age range was so big (3-12) and stuff for a 3/4 year old is not appropriate for a 12 year old

But I did enjoy sorting the bedroom out. Bought a bed, a wardrobe and a bookcase, some shelves etc. It helpes you feel like you're doing something, especially after approval :)

Had to wait until matching with DD to buy bedsheets and books, and paint the room etc.

To be honest, it was so hectic then, I was glad I'd bought the big stuff in advance!

[Kewcumber]

I cracked and bought one thing pre- matching a christening type smart outfit for a boy and a beautiful pair of blue shoes. I had no idea if I was even getting a boy or of the age. I gave DS the shoes for his first birthday about 3 weeks after I first met him and they just fitted (were a smidgeon too big) I swear it was an omen!

His carers were very dubious about these beautiful powder blue soft indoor shoes and looked doubtfully our of the window (it was snowing and -20 degrees at the time). They were happy when I explained they were "London shoes"!

I loved those shoes - we still have them!

[Kewcumber]

"It helpes you feel like you're doing something" - thats one of the reasons I learnt Russian... though it probably would have been easier to just buy a bed!

[Italiangreyhound]

Wow Kew you learnt Russian. How great. Do you still use it and speak it to DS?

I am buying stuff for our house to make it brighter and nicer! Someone once said they had heard their house was a bit dull (by social workers). So I found some amazingly bright pictures. It makes me feel I am doing something! I am also lining up a list of 'jobs' for DH like painting anything that doesn't move and mending anything that is broken.

funnychic all the very best.

[Kewcumber]

Only a few words Italian, though funnily enough was thinking about finding an app on learning russian to brush up whilst I'm running as I would like DS to learn it in a couple of years.

As it happened my adoption trip went completely tits up and we were without a translator for the best part of 3 months mostly in a town where about 3 people speak english! It came in very handy then!

[ChippingInNeedsCoffee]

Kew - you always make me laugh :) Your DS's adoption feels like such a long time ago - yet in other ways only yesterday. Strange isn't it :)

Good luck OP x

[Kewcumber]

I know what you mean Chipping - I expect most people feel the same about theirs but somehow the actually adoption trip turned into such a saga that it became a big part of our life. It still feel a very present part of our life (IYSWIM) one of life's genuinely life changing experiences in more ways than one.

[ChippingInNeedsCoffee]

Kew - I think you definitely had one of the most 'life changing' adoption processes I've ever heard of. It's hard to explain though isn't it - adoption in itself is life changing (as is having any child!!) but your process itself would have been life changing, even if it hadn't been an adoption. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but it does in my head!

[Devora]

We bought pretty much nothing, though we already had a roomful of stuff from our older child. Plus dd2 came with an absolutely unbelievable amount of stuff from her foster carer - 5 sacks of clothes and 7 huge trugs full of toys. I actually felt really oppressed by the amount of stuff and had to think through what to do with it all. It's not easy as you're told very strongly to keep the stuff they're familiar with, but I was never allowed into her bedroom at the fc so didn't know what that would be.

The clothes were easy: she grew out of them long before she got to wear them all. The toys I circulated round till I was sure I knew what she really liked, then I got rid of the rest. There was other stuff, like a big wall painting of a blonde fairy that tbh I got rid of because little black girls have to deal with too many blonde fairies as it is. And there was a box of jewellery and other gifts from the fc family that I have kept for her in her memory box.

A couple of things made me cross: one was that there was a particular blanket that I just packed away for a couple of weeks. When I finally got it out and put it on her bed she just fell on it, and I realised it was her 'special blanket'. Why on earth didn't the fc tell me that? I felt so sad and guilty that she had had to cope without it. Its significance was NOT obvious in that mountain of stuff.

The other thing that infuriated me was that there was a box of gifts from the birth family, that the fc held onto for about a year to 'make sure I get my visiting rights'. She had blackmailed another adopter in this way before. When I finally got it (after much fighting) it was all just slung in a cardboard box, full of dead flies, with no notes showing who had given what. It makes me so cross that I had so carefully preserved the special gifts from the fc family, but the fc couldn't give the same respect to gifts from the birth family. I don't KNOW which will be more important for dd2 as she grows up, but I'm guessing it will be birth family rather than fc...

Anyway, that was a long-winded way of saying that even little issues like what teddy you put in the cot can be fraught with meaning when you adopt. Allow yourself to buy a couple of special or specially useful things, but be careful not to overwhelm your new child with loads of new stuff.

[Lilka]

Devora You've talked about the FC trying to keep your daughters things before, and it's just so unbelievably horrid. I'm angry just reading about it, so god knows how angry you must be. Thank goodness you have her stuff now. I really don't think she should have a FC license any more

I do agree with you about not buying loads and loads, as you never know how much your child will be bringing with them

Funny, I don't know what age range you're aiming for, but if it's like 0-2, it might be worth investigating cots and buggies now or after approval rather than when you're approaching MP. I've never known a child bring those things with, and it really can get busy in the run up to MP, as that's when you have to get all the little things

[funnychic]

Hiya, Its only approval stage not matching panel so I have been dead good not buying anything but I have finished homestudy and my sw assured me that I wouldnt have a problem so I just thought bugger it!! Too be honest if it wasnt my mum getting giddy and wanting to buy it I dont think I would have purchased anything until I was sure. My age range is 0-4 years but have told sw 2yrs 2.5yrs 3yrs would be ideal for me so the wendy house fits that age perfectly and its colours are for boys or girls.
I have just realised I actually have made another purchase while I was writing this... my sister has put a deposit on a whole set of bedroom furniture which was hugely expensive but very lovely and she will pay the rest when I have it delivered, Oh god I sound like a nutter now dont I?? Not even approved and nesting!! But as someone else said it does feel real now.


Nosleepworry - I started the process march 2011 and waited 10mths for a prep course, I started homestudy in Feb this year and my panel is 3rd week July so it has been a bit of a long slog but I have found everything in adoption world takes forever! I cant say its been difficult, I was dreading the homestudy but it really has been fine. My decision was an easy one to make initially, although I can have kids naturally I left it too late so the reason I cant have them now is age. I say it was an easy decision and it was in that I want to be a mummy, I think I will be a good one and I want to give a child the oppurtunity to have a lovely, stable, secure home with the chance of a great future, however, since starting the process I have learned so much about modern day adoption and the challenges the children face that I have questioned whether it is right for me or not, I wasnt expecting the challenges and problems I might come across with adopted children and I do still have a wobble about it, but.... the nearer I get the more sure I become.
Best of luck

[Italiangreyhound]

Devora thank you for sharing about all the stuff your dd came with and the stuff she had not come with initially. It's funny I had not thought about all that side of it, what is important to kids, what they will bring with them etc. I also had not thought that foster carers would come and visit the child after adoption, or did I get that wrong? Anyway, glad you managed to get rid of the things you did not need. Agree that too much can be oppressive and take away the fun of stuff, so many things in one space can make it hard to even did down and find out what is there!


Funnychic all best wishes for you, would love to hear how things go.

[Devora]

Italian, I don't think it is normal for foster carers to visit after adoption; certainly they don't have 'visitation rights'. I think, with older children, it can obviously be beneficial to have at least some contact with fcs after moving. With a young baby like ours, there is no benefit and it is very confusing for a pre-verbal child who cannot understand that the fc has not come to take them away again.

That said, we agreed a visit after our dd was settled, but wouldn't commit to a date. fc wanted it after six weeks; I said that was too early. At that she absolutely kicked off, putting in complaints to social services as well as holding the box to hostage etc. The ridiculous thing was that during all that first year I sent regular emails and photos, was quite clear that she was welcome to visit but not in first few months etc. But she was on one by then, and started making extra demands - like we had to meet her at a particular play centre near her home (3 hours travel from us and we don't have a car!). IN the end she made it impossible for herself to accept my invitation for her to visit. She did seem to think a visit was her right, but it isn't - such visits only happen if they are appropriate for the child, and are for the child's benefit not the fc's.

Anyway, funnychic, yes you will need some big basics like a stroller, bed etc, and I don't see any harm in keeping an eye out for time-limited discounts so you can get yourself a bargain in advance. But don't go so mad you spoil your retail fun once you are actually matched - it's even nicer to go baby shopping with a particular baby in mind

[Italiangreyhound]

Devora that's horrible. How sad.

I feel I have so much to learn and so much to get my head around. It's weird to start thinking in terms of all these things. For the last 6.5 years we have had fertility treatment and it has all been so normal and now I need to adjust to a kind of new normal, it does help to read on here about people's expereinces, so thanks for being willing to tell. We have a daughter, now 7.5 and I guess we will use some of her old things and buy some stuff. It's very exciting but scary too, getting excited about someone we don't know anything about yet. Wondering and hoping if we will get through the whole acceptance process!

Funnychic hope you are doing well and please do tell us all how it goes.

[Kristina2]

I dont mean to rainon anyones parade, but i woulndt buy anything until aftre matching. 0-4 is a very wide age range. A4yo is unlikely to need a buggy or a cot, whereas a toddler might need both. And, as devora says, they may coem with a lot of stuff which they might be attached to. Some children are scared of small spaces like a wendy house.

I would wait until you are matched and have met the childs SW and tthe FCs so you can buy for your childs needs.

Sorry im sure that not what you wanted to hear.good ,uck for panel, funnychic

[Ladyofthehouse]

funnychic we are in a similar position! We go to our approval panel on the 21st June but have started buying a few little things.

As the room hadn't been touched since we moved in 3 years ago we have painted the room a very neutral colour and put a blind up. And also bought a little dresser, a toy box and some toy baskets and little things like that. Not the essentials like a cot/bed or buggy or anything though.

We've found its helped to make it actually seem real and we'd need some extra storage in there anyway. And we've kept it neutral enough so that if they bring their own stuff it will fit in or if we find out they like a certain colour or childs character we can add a border or something like that!

I think you have to do what feels right for you.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

We didn't buy anything, but we did have stuff - eg plastic plates, sippy cups - from our DS. Our DD also came with so much stuff that we had to sift carefully through (then sent bags of stuff away - we give it to SS near my parents, who always appreciate baby things). I would suggest looking at things like buggies and cots, but not actually buying anything until close to matching panel. Not least as it can be some wait between approval and matching, and I couldn't have stood having a little room all kitted out but no inkling of when someone will be sleeping in there.

Italian - our LA says that FC are "entitled" to one visit three months after a child is placed, then after that it's up to FC and parents to agree any further contact. We have seen DD's FC a couple of times and they came to her christening. They have also sent a birthday card. I think we're not typical, though.

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks FamiliesShareGerms for sharing about foster carers. I think there is so much to get my head around!

funnychic all best wishes. It's weird I am reading all different bits of people's lives on here and starting to feel I know people a bit! It is so exciting seeing things working out for people and I hope one day it will for me too!