Any advice for the pending adoption of a three month old?

[zazas]

I am writing on behalf of my dear friend (with her support) who is about to adopt her second child, a boy in a few weeks who will be just over 3 months. They have already adopted a daughter who has been with them nearly three years and is now 4 and 7 months. Their daughter has thrived wonderfully under their care (although does show quite strong signs of attachment disorder) and they are very excited about the chance to adopt such a young child this time round.

My question is what can I do to support them (although mostly directly my friend) in both an emotional and practical role? I am a mother of three and step mother of two and my youngest DD is the same age as my friend's DD so we are very close in terms of parenting stages and for that matter styles.

I appreciate that I can offer her lots of advice and support re young babies and I have done so but I realise that our experiences are very different and I want to support her in the way that she needs specific to her situation.

So for those of you who have adopted a second child and maybe a baby, what was of support to you. What was unique to your situation and what advice would you offer?

One example is whether she should continue keeping her DD in nursery (3 long days and one half - 26 hours) after she adopts the baby as her DD is used to it and it will give her time with the new child? My feelings based on my own experience is to go back to only using your nursery entitlement (5 1/2 day sessions - 15 hours) as I wanted to have as much time as I could while not working to mother both children as well as help my eldest bond with the baby. But as I realise this is unique to my experience - does adopting have different needs? How does she balance the needs of her DD who has attachment issues with the need to bond with a new baby etc etc etc?

Any advice grateful received - my friend won't use parenting/adoptive forums of groups (not that she doesn't value them as much as she doesn't embrace the internet in this way) but is very open to suggestions and advice.

Thanks.

[Devora]

I adopted a 10 month old baby when I already had a 4 year old. My first child is not adopted and does not have attachment disorder so it's hard to give advice without understanding more fully the needs of the first child. Anyhow, my instinct is to suggest that she doesn't take dd1 out of nursery IF dd1 is happy and settled there. The new baby needs undivided time and attention to bond with her, and this would be very hard with another child constantly around. The bond between the two children is of course very important, but the bond with the mother comes first IMO.

Once the new child is well bonded - maybe in a few months - she might consider reducing her dd1's hours.

Having said that, I'm really aware that my dd2 had to compete with attention with her big sister from the get-go. And in many ways this worked well: she adored her big sister and loved watching her leap around. I think she bonded with her sister before she bonded with us - I honestly don't know if this created problems for her or not. But my baby was 7 months older than your friend's new child, and it makes a difference - a 3 month old really doesn't need to be entertained by a 'big girl'.

You are clearly a very thoughtful and supportive friend, so I'm sure you won't be as irritating as many of my friends (not to mention MIL) were, constantly telling me I should be doing controlled crying, refusing to carry dd2 around (she clung to me for months), 'start as you mean to go on' etc. None of them were interested in hearing the different parenting techniques needed for adopted babies, or that their own experience of sleep training birth children, for example, had nothing to offer me in my situation.

Best of luck to your friend, and to you

[FamiliesShareGerms]

You sound a very thoughtful friend! I don't have experience of adopting a very little baby, so the only thing i would add to Devora's post is that I would also leave the older child in nursery in her current pattern, so she has some consistency at what can be an unsettling time, plus three month olds can be quite tiring and your friend might appreciate having time for a nap in the day without having to worry about her other child.

[skylarkuk]

I would leave the older child in nursery - she is going to be starting reception soon and I think to go from something to nothing then to something more could be more disruptive, routine is key. My daughter has attachment disorder, she was about the same age as your friends daughter when we took on our son last year though he was 14 months old, not quite the baby your friend is taking on.

My daughter has struggled emotionally with all the changes that have happened and balancing both kids emotional needs is really difficult. You sound like a great friend and she is lucky to have you, the best thing you can offer is tea and sympathy when (and if) she needs it.

//www.adoptivemummy.co.uk

[zazas]

Thanks for your messages. My friend was going to keep her DD in Nursery but reduce to the 15 hours a week (down from the 26 she does now), which will still give her some time each day just with just the baby. Her DD does find the existing long days at nursery hard going so a reduction would be good for her too.

I am sure tea and a listening ear is the best way to support, I guess I just want to make sure my asked for advice takes into consideration the unique needs of her adoption situation and not just my own experience. Although I did mother my babies with the co/sleeping, sling wearing, extended breastfeeding style so at least that won't be at odds with her need to extensively bond with her baby. She certainly won't be hearing from me "put that baby down, you will spoil him"!!!

[shockers]

We adopted a very young baby (in fact we fostered him from birth) and my biggest piece of advice would be to have as much skin to skin contact as possible. Look into baby's eyes, mirror her expressions, talk constantly, respond constantly. Even at 3 months, there has been separation and loss. I don't believe you can spoil a baby with love... especially one who needs to make up for bonds that have been broken or not established.

Our son (now 11) is a constant delight . He also has an older sibling with attachment disorder, it's not easy, but he is a massive help with his sister.

I wish your friend all the very best, and I think she is very fortunate to have such a thoughtful friend!!!