Adopted teenagers

[banshee1]

I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting this - I guess I just hope someone out there can perhaps share their experiences. My husband and I adopted 2 sisters aged 6 and 8 almost 10 years ago. We've been a very open and happy family until just under a year ago when it feels like the bodysnatchers took my eldest daughter and replaced her with a cruel, hysterical, thoughtless child. She spoiled our last summer holiday and just seems to constantly want conflict. We've resorted to private psychotherapy at £75 an hour which we cannot afford indefinitlely. I've read numerous articles and her behaviour is very typical of teenage adoptees - so she's transferring all her negative feelings directly to me - I'm not sure how much more I can take. I really can't articulate how horrible it is to live in our lovely family home - please tell me we'll get through this........

[smileymummie]

hi banshee1... I am not an adoptee nor have I adopted yet - I think you have done a great thing in adopting the girls especially keeping the sisters together - the love and warm heart you have which made you adopt your girls will see you threw this... most teenagers rebel, some in a very big way.. being adopted will add more insecurities and anger into the already confusing, angry and scary puberty/rebellion phase... I think keep showing her love but be tough and fair with her.. you clearly love her, you want to help her but her behaviour at age 18 is not acceptable.... you chose her and her sister and are there for them both but she needs to recognise that and let you help her... I hope this helps in some small way - I hope everything works out for you.. I hope to adopt an older child too some day.... take care... smileymummie

[KristinaM]

Hi banshee, please contact adoption uk. The are a parent run orgnasiation and many of their members have similar experimces to your own

[Aeschylus]

I too have not yet adopted and agree with points made by smileymummie. I teach young people aged 16+ and it is a very difficult age. They go through something called 'pruning' which is when they are trying to find themselves and who they want to be (they start cutting away at the things about themselves they want to lose to become the adult they feel they truly want to be). In order to 'test' this, much like a 2 year old finiding independence, they exhibit all sorts of behaviours before being able to make those character type decisions.

This is all even more confusing for someone who has a complicated past because there are so many more 'issues' to be explored so behaviours can sometimes be more extreme. Who knows for sure what way this will all turn out, but from a teacher's perspective (and not something I have research evidence to support and I can not guarantee), those with supportive family and friends who can also provide positive role models and influences often come through it, look back and cringe!!! Keep the support there and let her understand how her behaviour is affecting other but that she is still loved, valued and respected and she will hopefully come to realise that the positive aspects of her personality and past are what she truly wants for herself and her future and she will start to calm down.

[misspollysdolly]

OP, whereabouts do you live? We are based in Bristol where there is an excellent therapeutic charity who work with adoptive/fostering families - as whole units, not just with the children. They will see people from all over the UK, though obviously distance could be prohibitive from your point of view. I also don't know if there's a cut off in terms of age at which they would consider beginning to work with families. However, their support is excellent, specialised and whole-family focussed. PM me if you would like to know anymore. MPD