62 yrs old - News that Father is Adoptive (Mother is Birth Mother)

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My dad has found out, at 62 years of age, that his father is actually his adoptive father. This was found out by accident, but has been confirmed by his mother. The adoptive father is Eastern European, and so for a large part of his life he, and we, believed we had European roots.

I feel so sorry for my Dad to find this out at such a late stage, and I know he is devastated.

But I do also feel sorry for my Grandparents, that this has now come out, that my 'Grandad' at his very old age (nearly 90) and Grandmother now have had to have this truth acknowledged. I can see that when he would have been adopted by my Grandad that it was not the done thing to be open on this, but now I am seeing the fallout as my Dad comes to terms with realising that for over 60 years he has thought that this man was his Dad, but now accidentally finds out that he isn't.

Also, I don't 'officially' know. My Grandmother asked my Dad not to say anything to anyone else. My Dad has agreed because he says they are obviously elderly and not in the best of health. The only reason I know is that I was scouring through old photo's and saying how we looked like our Grandfather that my Dad got upset and so his wife told me.

I now feel guilty that I know and have had to lie to my Grandmother about what it was that my Dad's wife was confiding in me about when my Dad went out upset. I also feel guilty that I know, and yet my brother doesn't know.

I know my Grandfather has done a fantastic job, and he will always be Grandad to me, but in a small way it does change things, not least because of the heritage that we thought we shared in, which now seems such a lie. I often talk of my heritage, and particularly with another person who also shares European roots from her Grandfather like me, but now I feel like a fraud.

I don't know whether I should tell my brother - I think if he thought I had held it back from him he would be really upset.

But I then feel as though I am gossiping and not respecting my Grandparents.

Any ideas please?

[RuthChan]

I am so sorry to hear that this has all come out now.
What a great shock it must be for all of you.

However, it doesn't change everything.
You are still a family and you still love and care for each other in the way you always have. The relationship between your father and grandfather may not be one of blood, but it is still one of father and son. I hope your Dad can, in time, come to forgive his parents.

With regards to who should know about it, I think it is now too late to ask people to keep it a secret.
I understand that your grandparents are old and have their pride, but the secret is out now and it is unfair that you should be expected to keep it from other members of the family.
Your brother will be gutted if he too 'accidentally' finds out and then learns that you already knew.

You should not feel a fraud though. You may not have had the blood line to Eastern Europe that you thought you did, but that wasn't your fault. And although you are not linked to there by blood, you are by culture. Your grandfather must have brought his Eastern European influence and culture to the family.

This must be a huge shock to everyone, but I honestly think it is one that you all need to be able to talk about openly among yourselves rather than attempting to pretend that it is still a secret. The world has changed since your Dad was born. It is no longer a reason to be ashamed.
My mother was adopted too, though in her case by both parents. It was never hidden and never caused any problems.

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Hi and thanks both for the replies.

TBH I still look at my grandad as being my grandad, as I said in my post he will always be grandad to me.

The issue has been whether to confide in my brother, which you both seem to think is the best option.

My dad has taken it really badly - which I find strange for him as he is the sort of person who tries to take an attitude that if you can't change it then it is what it is and won't really talk to me about it anymore than the few words that he said to me the next day after his wife told me. When i've said anything he just changes the subject, but his wife told me he's gutted and she has said that he has sent off some paperwork to find out who his genetic father is.

It wasn't until I was about 20 yrs old that I got to 'know' my grandparents really, despite the fact that we lived only 2 streets apart in my childhood. My dad always felt as though his younger sister was favoured over him and that his parents didn't want that much to do with us all. But the relationship that I have forged with them has been marvellous and I love them both dearly and don't think anyless of my grandad just because he isn't my biological grandad - it's just a shock.

I can completely understand that back in those times it was the done thing not to be honest about these types of situation - which is exactly what I have said to my dad. But finding out this now reinforces why people learn from when they are young, because it is so much easier to accept the truth and know that the people who are brining you up are doing so out of love. I know 4 people who are adopted, and all of them knew all their lives and I know their situation very well and would never doubt for one second that their parents don't love them as much, and so that side does not bother me at all. It is just the secrecy and the not wanting to hurt people.

Once again many thanks for your replies, it has been most helpful x

[Samd123]

Hi just to add that my dad is adopted and although I knew this I have always felt that my grandparents were my biological grandparents so to speak. Their backgrounds are what made my dad who he is and are who made me who I am. Recently I realised that I had a grandma now deceased who I had never known and there is some sadness knowing that she never knew what had happened to her son and that everything turned out well for us all.
Sam