In 5 days we'll know if we are able to adopt a little girl(504 Posts)
I won't go thorugh all the process that's brought us this far, but we're 6 1/2 years in the process.
In 5 days time, on June 30th, we're going to find out if we will be able to adopt a little girl from Russia. She must be made available for domestic adoption until June 30th and after that will be able to be adopted internationally. She has some minor health issues, as far as we know nothing hugely serious, but apparantly Russians don't like to adopt children with health issues. She's been adoptable since she was 2 months old.
For the past month we've known about her and have been told that if she doesn't get adopted domestically, we will be allowed to adopt her. In my heart I know we should be hoping she gets to be adopted domestically because that would obviously be what is best for her but it's hard not to hope that it doesn't happen. I'm just not that good.
And now there's only 5 days to go and she's still there. I'm not at all religious, I certainly don't pray. But I remember years ago doing a novena (type of prayer service you do for 9 days where you pray for a specific thing) to St Francis Xavier and the words are rattling around in my head
"but if what I ask is not for the glory of God and the good of my soul,
I pray and desire that which is most conducive to both"
Might not make sense to anyone not Catholic but it's a comfort at the moment.
Sorry for the ramble. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up on Thursday at 1pm (close of business in that part of Russia).
ahh thats great, hope it all goes through for you xxx
Fingers crossed for you!!!!
Your nails must be bitten down to the knuckle... Really hope you (and we!) get good news this week
Thanks for the kind words. 3 days to go now...
Fingers crossed. You must be clock watching! Lots of good luck.
OOOOH! How exciting I do hope you are going to be the one to give this little girl a home. Try and keep busy (as if that will help....I'd be glued to the clock too ). Rescue remedy is great for calming down. I'll have everything crossed for you.
Not long now! How are you holding up lettinggo?
I'm totally stressed! I'm finishing school for the summer tomorrow and a parent sent me a lovely letter of thanks this morning and I bawled my eyes out in front of the kids. So that's stress! We'll know in less than 24 hours. I'm very hopeful. Thanks for thinking of me.
I remember this stage so well - though I didn't know about DS in advance (travelled completely blind). Bet you don't have any fingernails left!
How exciting! Keeping everything crossed.
Good luck tomorrow morning. I hope all your prayers are answered.
I'm keeping everything crossed for you.
Oh, I really feel for you. Hope all goes well.
I woke up this morning and thought of you, lettinggo. I really hope today goes well for you.
Thinking of you and hope you get the green light.
Fingers very firmly crossed, and my toes.
You have to update later. Stuff informing, champagne corks popping and whooping with your family and friends... This bunch of strangers need to know... Loads of luck X
Mid-day isn't it? Their close of business I mean.
I really hope you hear very soon. It is awful, this waiting.
Everything crossed here too. Today could be the day!
I had a long reply typed out and Mumsnet went offline and it's gone!
Well, she's still there, it's now closed in Russia so as of tomorrow morning, she's available for international adoption and we're getting a referral for her. We hope to get the referral next week and I think I'll believe it more when I see it in black and white. It feels a bit of an anti-climax at the moment, iykwim? I still don't fully trust that it will work out.
Thanks for all the good wishes. I'm an emotional wreck at the moment. I bawled in front of my kids in school again today when my DH rang at 12 to say she's still there. I told them why I was crying which I really regret now. I just hope they forget over the summer.
Lettinggo, I hope everything goes ok for you. I wouldn't worry too much about showing your human in front of a class of kids. Sometimes it's refreshing for them to see that you are not a robot from planet education.
I have been lurking, and wondering how today went for you.
I have fingers, toes, and knees crossed for a smooth process, and you having your little girl in your arms soon.
LettingGo - sorry I'm a bit late to your reply but it's great that she's open for international adoption now. I'll be thinking of you next week.
<sob> good luck with your happy ending !
Oh, this stuff really plays with your emotions, doesn't it. You anticipate these moments of crashing joy, and so often it isn't like that. Just treat yourself gently, allow yourself to breathe and smile with each little step forward..
I really hope you get your news soon. The waiting is just horrible. How long before you can travel (hoping that you will be going soon) .
We got the call!!! She's going to be ours!!!!
We don't have a timeline yet. The translator is translating the referral and we have to respond to that and after that we can apply for the visa. We think we'll be meeting her in August.
I'm off to make a quilt for her to bring with us when we visit.
Oh, congratulations! That's fantastic news!
lettinggo, I'm sat here with tears streaming down my face. Congratulations!
Wishing you many years of happiness with your daughter xx
So happy for you, just clicked on the thread on active convos. Those novenas work a treat MIL is a great fan. Hope you and your daughter bring each other a lifetime of joy. Congratulations.
How lovely, the best of luck to you
<wipes eyes> Thats fantastic,congratulations.
fantastic news congratulations
congratulations - my trip was played out across the mumsnet world! I have no sense of boundaries. I wonder if I can still find it...
I hear you Kewcumber! I told a class of 29 11-year-olds on Thursday that I was adopting a little girl. Must learn boundriese!
Thanks everyone for the good wishes, I'm overwhelmed with the niceness of people, the lovely reactions both here and in real life. Thanks
Absolutely brilliant news, congratulations
Great News, I'm so happy for you all. Well done.
this was my same stage as you thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/202896-yay-the-man-from-the-ministry-who-rips-off-the
the call thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/231439-all-my-bags-are-packed-i-m-ready-to-go?rn=20413&redir=20413 still makes me smile to read it now. Blimey it was nearly 5 years ago
DS told me tonight - you are the best mum in the whole wide world.<<sob>>
Congratulations, I'm so pleased and excited for you.
And I remember Kew's threads - I used to read them and sob .
Thrilled for you lettinggo - what exciting news!!
Best wishes to you and your DH, hope everything goes smoothly and enjoy your gorgeous daughter
Awww, lovely thread [tears]
Aw, Kew, I just read through your threads and looked at your blog. How gorgeous and how lovely for your little boy that you have all of those emotions documented.
And he looks lovely in pink!!
Thanks everyone for the kind good wishes!
If we get our visas in time, we're travelling to meet our little daughter on July 17th!!!
Only ten days that is so amazing! You must be on cloud nine
I'm so excited for you. You will keep us updated, wont' you? I can't wait to hear all about your little girl
Oh wow, that is quick (I know, I know, probably about 10 years til this point, but it's still quick ).
Do you stay, or do you then have to leave her there. Because I think that must be one of the hardest things to do.
I had to go back and reread my blog of Kaz after reading this thread - it brought everything back. I so want to go and relive it all knowing the outcome. MaryZ - Russia is a minimum two trip and sometimes three trip country - as is Kaz now, I was one of the last people to do it all in one trip.
Russia is actually a 4 trip if you're doing an independent adoption which is what we're doing. The first trip was to register our dossier (last Aug).
The next one (4 days only) is to meet the child and sign the first set of "stuff". Then we have to apply for a court date and come home. I'm not even allowing myself to think about that part of it yet. One set of emotions at a time is all I can handle.
After that is the trip for our court date (and leave her again) and then finally we go back 10 days after court to bring her home.
Kew, I know two couples here who have registered in Kaz but it's closed now. I'm not sure if that's just Ireland it's closed to? I think there's some hope that a bilateral will be agreed later this year.
(PPS Kew - I just saw the film Borat for the first time. No wonder the people in Kaz were going mental but god what a funny film!)
Its closed becasue they signed up to the Hague convention and have closed to change the law and procedures. Signs are they will be opening again early next year. One of the new rules in Kaz will be a 4 week bonding period which actually is in essence what I did but will out lots of people - particularly the Americans.
Borat was released whilst I was there. They all thought Sasha B-C was American and I didn't disabuse them of the notion! Haven;t ever actually seen the film but clips I have seen make it really obvious he hadn;t ever been to Kaz and seemed to think it was eastern European - but can;t judge as I haven't seen it.
great news lettinggo!!! i hope the trip goes well for you and everything gets signed xx
We're travelling tomorrow to Russia and will meet our little one on Monday hopefully. I'm running around today buying nappies and shoes which is what her baby home is short of. Happy days. I'm so nervous now. It's all happening so fast now, I can't keep up with the pace after years of nothing happening.
Oh wow. I'd never seen this thread, but I had lovely shivers when I read your post saying she will be yours. That is so fantastic! Congratulations!
I am shamelessly marking my place for updates. Can't wait to hear all about your daughter! Just... WOW. Totally magical.
Off to read Kewcumber's thread too, there are soooo many depressing things on MN these days and it's lovely to see something so incredibly positive.
Wishing you all the very best of luck, enjoy it (as much as you can), take loads of photos. I'm soooooooooooooo excited for you .
You are in Ireland aren't you? I used to watch the Rollercoaster adoption boards at the time of Vietnam closing, and it was heartbreaking to see all th couples who almost, but not quite, made it before the closing date .
It really brought me back - I was in Romania the week before they closed the adoptions from Romania in 1991, the very lowest point in our journey to have a child. Which is ironic now, because if Romania had been different, I wouldn't have my children . They would be somewhere, being brought up by someone, but it wouldn't be me, which is a very scary thought.
Sometimes things are just meant to happen - though I would be very hesitant to say that to one of the many couples, especially in Ireland, who have been in a horrible limbo for the last five years.
Oh lettinggo, have just seen this thread.
I have already wiped some tears away, I can't imagine how you are feeling atm.
Good luck, have a wondrous 4 days.
Don't forget the quilt!
Ooh so exciting. Let us know asap.
Fuzzpig - not sure my thread will make sense without the blog but if you've got way too much time to kill its here www.simplesite.com/journeytokaz ... or you could just skim through and look at the album at the end!
lettinggo: I hope by now you have met your daughter! Can't wait to hear all about it
Greetingsfrom Russia!!!! We met our little girl yesterday and Monday. We were allowed to see her twice both days for about 2 1/2 hours each day. She's pure gorgeous, there are no other words. She's tiny tiny tiny, like a little doll. She's bright as a button.On Monday, she wasn't sure about us at all, she spent her time staring at us with her hands up. Then when her carer would come up to her, she'd beam. So that's all very positive, she's formed attachments with her carers.
Yesterday she gave us a few smiles and our son even got her to laugh.
She's 9 1/2 months now and she's sitting up, crawling on her elbows, standing against furniture. She's making the most heart melting little babbling sounds when she's happy. We got to feed her twice yesterday and the food would make you cry. The baby home she is in is nice, and the ladies there are lovely but resources are scarce. We brought loads of second hand clothes and shoes but I was afraid we would offend them with second hand stuff. Not at all. On the second day, our little one came out wearing my friend's daughter's little pink outfit. It made me cry!
I knew leaving her would be hard but oh god.
Today is our day for offialdom. We had to get photos printed off and next go to the notary to sign the first set of papers and tomorrow we go home. Our facilitator here will apply for a court date and then we wait.
Your thread has had me in tears too!
I'm wishing you the very best of luck and I hope its not long until your little girl comes home to you !!
I'm so happy for you and your new DD! How lovely!
<sob> lovely. Hope all the legal stuff goes smoothly so you can have her home with you asap.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
You have made me all tearful and broody! And wanting more - do keep updating, and huge congratulations to you
Oh how lovely - DS screamed for hours when he met me and was very attached to his carers so wariness is as you say a very good sign. I soooo want to do it all again.
best of luck! everything really does always work out in the end x
What a wonderful thread. I've got tears rolling down my face. Wishing you lots of luck that things go very smoothly.
What a great thread to read. so happy for you! Off now to find a tissue! Hope the rest of the process goes well.
Do you speak Russian, lettinggo? If not, is there someone there who can tell you all about baby and what her life has been like, her routine and preferences etc?
Congratualtions on your new daughter! What's her name if I can ask?
I'm sure she is so lucky to have found your family.
We have a facilitator with us who has been fantastic. Before we went, I was a bit about the concept of a facilitator but she has been invaluable. Where I would go the Irish way about things ("if you don't mind..., if it isn't too much trouble...., I hope you don't mind me asking...."), she just goes baldheaded at things. I had LOADS of questions prepared before I went and more after the first meeting with the baby. I had told L, the facilitator, some of my questions and she just asked the baby home administrator directly. I got loads of information about the birth mother - some official, some off the record. I have enough, I think, for tracing in future years. And L is going to try to find out a couple of other things I wanted to know about her.
I don't have info about her routine yet. I asked the questions but I was bluntly told her routine will have changed by the time we get her so there's no point in telling us now.
Video footage was taken of her when she was 5 months (was on a Russian TV programme aimed at recruiting domestic adopters) and I was given a copy of it. It will be lovely for her in the future to see herself at this age. We have LOADs of photos and video from this visit (age 9 1/2 months) and we were allowed to leave a disposable camera with the carers and they will take photos of her while we're gone, especially on her birthday. SO hopefully there won't be too many gaps in her baby photos. I was also allowed to leave a notebook for the carers to write little messages to her.
It's all starting to feel very real. I cried (again!!) reading your lovely messages. I'm surprised there are any tears left. I made a holy show of myself leaving the baby home yesterday. I knew it would be hard but now it feels like she's MINE and I'm leaving her behind.
happywheezer, I don't want to write her name publicly, I'll message you.
Will you message me too, lettinggo? I'd love to know her name!
Message sent, hester. I love names too! I love her name and it was the name her mother gave her (one of my questions!!) so even it was awful we would have kept it. But it's not, thankfully. Now she only has DH's awful surname to deal with!!
ooh ooh ooh me too lettinggo!
One really important question to ask when you pick up is how she goes to sleep - eg lights on or lights off, straight in bed no cudle etc because it can be one of the most difficult times and a freind of mine spent unhappy hours at bedtime until she realised her daughter went to sleep with the lights still on.
Is she drinking kefir? BEcuase if she is, take whatever formula you plan to put her on with you for last trip and start in Russia feeding her local kefir (check with carers if they use sweetened or unsweetened) then start cutting it with formula and change gradually until it all /mostly formula. Works a treat on DS and we had relatively few food issues (apart form the eating until he was sick one which wore off after a couple of months thankfully!)
ALso if babyhouse is like DS's they gave then kefir in very cute tiny milk botttles - ask them for the last bottle (to feed her but also to keep the bottle as it will probably have her name tagged on it). Oh and make sure you ask for her locker name to take with you too.
Sorry if am teaching my grandmother to suck eggs!
I've got the message, and I agree it is a lovely lovely name
I have to tell you: I have a friend who many, many years ago adopted a newborn born to a young European girl. Trying to be respectful of cultural heritage, and to make a kind gesture to the birth mother, she asked the bm to name her. Thinking she'd come up with a name from that culture/country, which would sound exotic and lovely etc.
So birth mother, also trying to be respectful and reaching out across cultures, called her - well, confidentiality prevents me from saying what it was, but imagine a really, really common and not particularly attractive English name, and you're there
The name I chose for DS I subsequently discovered to be the name of the local supermarket - though luckily her thinks it is quite funny and we have a postcard of said supermarket (it is rather a nice one)
I want to know her name too! <<big name geek emoticon>> Some of the Russian names are gorgeous.
Kew and CheerfulYank, PMs sent.
Back home in rainy Dublin now. DS is upset cos his XMen dvd is in Russian and he'd invited "the lads" around to watch it. So they're watching Family Guy instead. We will NOT be telling the judge in Russia that my 10 year old is allowed to watch XMen and Family Guy. He's so happy to be home. He was a real trooper in Russia but he would eat very little so I'm glad to be back to normal food. He was great with the baby in Russia. He was the only one who got a laugh from her. At one stage, he left to go to the loo and when he came back into the room, she beamed at him so he's delighted with himself. I think he'll be fine when she comes because he's a really "emotionally intelligent" kid - he's always been able to say how he's feeling and we've talked about what being jealous feels like, that it's normal and to be expected and that it's ok for him to feel jealous and put out when she comes.
Kew, great suggestions and please keep them coming. I'd never have thought to ask about how she goes to sleep.
What's kefir? I must go and look that up now....
The baby home director was at pains to point out to me how well she can drink from an open cup. I think she thought it was marvellous that she was that advanced. So I'm guessing that by the time we get her, she won't be on bottles at all because she'll be over a year old. I'm going to try to get her back on them if I can because she really needs building up (and all the attachments reasons too of course).
I've a notebook of questions. I asked loads when I was there and I'm compiling List 2 for when we go back so if you think of anything else, please tell me no matter how simple you think it is.
It must have been really hard to leave her there, lettinggo. Remind me of the timescale for getting her home?
Lovely to read about her fascination with DS. We had the same: dd2 was besotted with dd1 from the start. She still is: asks for her as soon as she wakes up, last thing before going to sleep, she absolutely adores her and bonded with her much faster than with us. I really hope this will continue, and whatever problems dd2 may experience in managing her adoptive experience in the future, she will always treasure her relationship with her sister.
hester, I'm heartbroken. I lay in bed last night thinking about her and what a different life she's having at 9 months compared to my ds at that age. I've been taking this process one step at a time and any time the thoughts of meeting her and then leaving came into my head, I pushed them out again. It hit me full force last night that she's there and we're here and there's not a damned thing we can do about it.
We don't have a definite timeline. We signed the initial papers with the notary over there. Now wonderful Russian bureaucracy takes over. The form has to go to Moscow, then back to our region. Then it and all our (updated even though nothing has changed in our lives) paperwork is used to apply in our region for a court date. We have no idea when we'll get a date but in my head I'm thinking we'll have her home for Christmas.
I'm hoping it will be the same for ds and dd (can I call her that even though she's not ours yet? ) If she goes searching when she's older, there's some tough stuff for her to deal with so I'm hoping he'll be a good support to her. I feel he will. And I'm glad he's old enough now to remember the baby home, the village it's in etc for her, it's an added dimension, iykwim.
Christmas must seem a long way away. I really hope Russian bureaucracy surprises you with a sudden outbreak of lightning efficiency.
Woooohooooo!!!! Just got an email saying if we can get all our paperwork updated in the next 2 weeks, we'll have a court date at the end of September!!!!!!!!!! Court is only held on a Thursday in our region so I presume it will be the 29th of Sept.
I'm staying in her village for the 12 days after court and my DH will come home to our son. Then he and DS will travel out on Oct 9th/10th and we'll all travel home on the 12th of October.
And this means I'll be with her for her 1st birthday.
We've got a lot of the paperwork done, it's just a matter of notarising and apostilling now so we should get it done in the two weeks. Yipeeeeee!!!!!!!
First time I've read this thread and it made very interesting reading but what a lovely news for you with your last post!
When I was battling to get my ds and SS seemed to be dragging their feet as they do, they initially told me he'd be around 1 before he was actually placed. I was anxious the whole time, as the time they were spending trying to sort it all out, he was being sent here, there and everywhere and not forming a secure attachment. But, I remember saying - well will he be here for his first birthday?!! That was something I thought was special and after missing out on so much of his early days, desperately wanted to have that important memory with him.
Luckily, it all happened much sooner and I had him at 6 months.
Aww lettingo ive just read all the threads and i'm blubbing away!
I can't beleive how long it's taken you to get to the open adoption stage and then its all go!
Roll on the 12th october!
I was just wondering how you were doing this morning then just saw this. I'm so glad thus has a happy ending. Do keep us updated
This is my first time reading this thread, I have a huge smile for you! Glad your happy ending is not far away now.
being there for 1st birthday is so special - get lots of photos. Its such a nice hole to be able to fill that other childrne take for granted - a 1st birthday party (if you want candles with a cake take the birthday candles with you because you won;t get any there)
Can I just share with the world how nice humankind is?
Today we needed to go to our GP to update our medical certificates. The GP filled out the forms for the 3 of us, stamped them, phoned his GP wife in the sister practice up the road to get his certificate that proves he's a real doctor, got the cert etc. And instead of charging 50 each for us which was what I expected and came prepared for, he charged 35 for all three.
Then I called to the accountant this morning with our documentation that proves we are solvent. He needs to draw up a statement of assets and liabilities. I told him our news about the court date and the urgency of getting his statement before Monday (we have a solicitor's appointment at 11.30 on Monday to have all our documentation notarised). Not only did he have the work done for us this afternoon, he would not take a single penny from us.
We have encountered so many truly good people on this road, it does the heart good to realise that for all the crap you read and hear about, there are some really good people in the world.
So now the only outstanding piece of paper we need is a letter from the health board to say they promise to do all the post-placement reports and we will be done with bureaucracy.
Happy days, girls!
Kew, being there with her for her first birthday is such a big deal for me. It makes me so unbelievablt happy that I won't miss out on it. DH won't be there and doesn't see it as a big deal. He can't remember DS's first birthday. I remember each and every one of DS's 10 birthdays. And because it's important to me, it will be important to her.
Thanks for the tip about the candles, will bring them with me. A friend of mine was with her DS in Russia for his birthday and brought a cake to the Baby Home for the occasion. The staff took the cake and the children didn't get any so I'll have to feel my way around that. I want the kids to benefit from any celebrating that happens. Any tips for me as to what would be shared among the children?
To be honest lettinggo - you should tell your DH that the big deal is not for him (or even for you if I'm being blunt) but for her. Every child takes for granted first birthday pictures/stories/presents and when it comes to school and you get the inevitable projct of bringing out a photo of when they are a baby. She will have the option of a first birthday photo. Just having the choice/stories makes it way less of a bit deal than it would be without. DS does occasionally ask me about what presents he had for his first birthday and loves the story of the birthday card that played a tune that Nanny brought with her which he played incessantly.
Its only when your child starts school IME and you navigate the minefield of a system that is (understandably) not at all geared to children who have no apparetn life before age one that you realise how important it is to them to be able to do all the normal stuff that other kids do (as far as possible).
My advice to you is to take candles, buy a nice cake, tell teh carers that it is tradition to sing, blow the candles out and eat the cake together (ie don't let them waltz off with it) deputise someone to take lots of photos, try to get some photos that would look fairly normal to a third party without the knowledge of adoption (so take some clothes in for her and change her into them and get a photo of her by the cake with lit candle).
I was happy for the carers to eat the cake (along with anyone else who was around) and was happy for them to take what was left away with them. I asked what I could bring in for the children (they absolutely will not let them eat cake!) and they agreed to let me bring in some branded baby biscuits to give all the children in DS's group as a treat - or they might prefer you to take some fruit that they don't normally get.
Russians should know the happy birthday tune as the Kazakhs did.
and whenever anyone started a "random acts of kindness" type thread I always feel that I could fill a thread of my own from my time in Kazakhstan and the run up to it. (mind you I could also fill one with pointless bureaucracy and pettymindedness!)
I loved reading your story. I wish you and your lovely family lots of love and happiness and hope all goes smoothly xxx
What a lovely thread. I am so thrilled for you. How amazing that it will all happen so much sooner that you first thought!
I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face - I haven't cried this much on an adoption thread since Kew's (I'm an oldie on a name change). I am so excited for you and so thrilled you will be bringing her home even earlier than anticipated!!
If it is at all possible for your DH and DS to be there for her first birthday they should be - as Kew said, it will be important to her when she's older.
If you were to do a photo slide show as Kew did I'm sure one or two of us would view it
If you get time, please PM me her name - I'd love to know it.
The kindness of others, especially right now, is really heartening x
Hi Lettinggo - any updates??
So very excited for you
Have you started her quilt yet? What kind is it?
Hi ChippingIn, we hope to travel to Russia at the end of September for court, hopefully.
The quilt is well under way but is actually a single sized quilt (so I'll make another smaller one to bring with me). Here's the quilt I'm doing:
I bought a jelly roll this week and will do an easy strippy quilt-as-you-go in cot size.
What a lovely quilt!! Usually I can appreciate the work that's gone into them but not so much the finished item, but I really love that (I think it's the white background). It will be nice to have the small one as well, which she can use as a cuddle blanket or for her dolls
A question for anyone who happens to read this before tomorrow lunchtime.
Tomorrow we send in our court application, on which will be the name we wish to call our DD. She has a lovely name which is very international. It has a Russian and a "western" spelling, very similar, two letters in the difference. In her court documents, it's spelled the Russian way. I have no particular preference for either spelling from an aesthetic point of view. They are both easy and unremarkable. DH is adamant he wants it the western way because then it is very similar to his late granny's name. Until I saw her name on the court papers today, I was fine with this (well, sort of, I've always had a leaning towards the Russian way but I can't articulate why) but now I strongly feel we should keep it the Russian way. DH is very pissed off with me for wanting to keep it, me having agreed after previous heated discussion to spell it "his" way.
He won't actually have a proper discussion about it, he's too mad with me for changing my mind at the last minute. His last word on the subject was "do what you want, you always were going to spell it X way anyway, why did you bother asking me".
My reasons for wanting the Russian way -
- when she's older, she'll ask why we changed it.
- I think her Russian identity will be more important to her than a connection to a great grandmother she never knew.
- I hate my own name and was named after someone my dad knew. I don't know that person and curse the day my dad met her. What if DD hates her name and thinks the Russian way is more exotic?
Is this a big enough deal to have a row about? For me, I don't give a hoot how it is spelled but I want to do the right thing for her. Would changing the spelling be changing the essence of her name?? I don't want to fight DHon it unless it's a biggie.
Lettinggo - just to publically air my views
I think that you should stick with the way her name is spelt on her court documents, it's her name. It's not like it's not spelt that way here just as often as the other way (you have made it sound a bit like it would be more unusual to spell it the way it is now, whereas I believe it's a 50/50 split here).
I know it's upsetting DH, but tbh I think it would be a shame to keep her name as it's who she already is, but then change it just a little bit to match his granny's name - that's not really keeping the name her mother gave her is it? I could even understand it if it meant making her life a lot easier here, but it wont.
If Grannys name had been different you wouldn't be changing her name, just because it's a tiny bit different it doesn't make it right (IMO).
Also, it's still a nice co-incidence the name is the same - even if spelt differently - other names have changed over the years but people say they were named after their grandad/granny (Stephen v Steven, Elisabeth Elizabeth).
Bottom line - it's her name and you said even if it was awful you wouldn't change it. You said OK to DH when you didn't think it mattered (when it was only verbal) now you have seen it written down it does matter to you and quite probably will to her too. DH is just going to have to suck it up I'm afraid.
I think her name will be her identity as she reaches her teen years. I think changing the spelling would be wrong. But that's just my opinion and I can't really explain why.
My view is slightly different. Your daughters name may well have been given her by a doctor at the hospital whom she met for 10 minutes and your sh will have a vastly more significant affect on her life and is therefore at least entitled to have an input into her name. Also her "identity" is her name in Cyrillic until you and your sh appeared on the scene it wouldn't have ever been seen translitterated into English. If it is simply just a spelling difference then I don't see why the translators opinion on how it should be spelt in English has more validity than your husband's.
Her Russian identity is her Cyrillic name how you spell it in English is a function of her life with you not before. Of course if you prefer the original English spelling then you are entitled to as much of opinion as him.
Sorry on my phone so can't post coherently!
And for the record her name (as all court records) are in Cyrillic. A random translator took a decision about how it should look in English, it doesn't form part of the court records in Russia.
Um, my speedy-just-before-lunchtime thought is that you and your dh need to reach this decision calmly and carefully, not in a welter of bad-tempered panic. There is nothing stopping you changing the spelling later, is there? Could you suggest to him keeping it as is for now, asking him to honour your deep instinctual reservations about changing it, but promising to consider it fully over the next six months and then revisit the issue, each of you bringing equal votes to the table?
Sorry sh should be dh! Damn you auto correct!
i agree with kewcumbers commenst. i have legal documents written in russian that contain my own name. when these were translated back into english the spelling is totally incorrect. some of the sounds in my name do not exist in russiain so the translater has doen his or her best.
so you have no idea if the same you are reading in English is in fact how it would be spelled in Russian.who is to say whether Наталя or Наталья is Natalyia, Natalya or Natalia? so you might as well call her Natalie, rather than spend you life explaining that its an English transliteration of the Russian or Ukrianinan form of Natalie
So you would be prefectly correct to call your Russian DD Надежда either Nadezhda ( one transliteration) or Hope ( the meaning)
you have no idea whether or not her birth mother chose this name. even if she did, im not sure why the name chosen by the first mother takes automatic preference over that chosen by her second mother ( and father)
Your DD might appreciate having a first name that links her to her adoptive family. all my children like having family names, its very common here. no doubt they will hate them when they are teenager, but thats normal
your Dd is probably NOT actually called this name by her caregivers. I suspect she will be called a pet form of it, so she probably will not even recognise it if you use it. so if you adopt a Larissa and call her this, she wont recognise it as she is used to being called Lara. It doesn't mean that you shoudln't keep it if you want of course. just that keeping the name with which she is familiar is not a valid reason in this case
as she will grow up knowing she was adopted, why will she ask you when she is older why you change the spelling of her name? and if she does ask, wont you just tell her?
her russian identity will hardly hang on the spelling of her name. she can always change it if she wants to. most children and teenagers do NOT want a name that is diffferent or unusual. unless you live in an extremely multicultural area, which i believe you don't.
Im sorry that you and your Dh are so stressed about this i hope you are able to reach an agreement.
oops, sorry, obviously mumsnet does't support the Cyrillic alphabet. it looked ok when i typed it in the wee box [ blush]
Arrgghhh! I had a long message typed out and lost it, so irritating.
Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom. Kew, you are so so right - of course her actual official name is in Cyrillic so it is just the spelling of her name by a translator on the court papers we have. When I told DH this, there was much rolling of eyes and sighing but the deed is done, the decision is made and the wine is open now Let me pour everyone a big glass and top my own glass off while I'm at it!
Kristina, you're right about the name too. In the baby home, they use a version of her name (I'll have to learn to pronounce it). When we called her by her name, she didn't turn at all but when the carers called her by her pet name, she'd immediately turn to them.
Thanks again, folks. Emotions are running very high at the moment with both of us.
Sorry I didn't think about the different languages and translation
Glad you sorted it and came to a joint decision
If you call her by her pet name (if you can say it!!) followed by her name she will soon recognise it
I hope DH isn't too upset.
I have followed your thread from the beginning, however i didn't feel it was place to say anything before. What wonderful news, for you and your family, you must be so excited.
I realise that i have missed the moment, but i am a very nosy cookie and would love to know the name of your beautiful baby girl, i understand if you would prefer not to though
We're going to visit our little girl tomorrow. It looks like there won't be a court date this side of Christmas - we had been told we were going to get one in Sept - which was disappointing (HUGE HUGE understatement).
Her first birthday is on Tuesday so we'll be with her on this milestone. I've very mixed feelings about the trip. Of course I can't wait to see her and spend loads of time with her - 4 whole days cos we're staying in her village. But I'm already anticipating the pain of having to leave her again. It's stupid cos it's stopping me from fully looking forward to the trip. I just wish we know for certain when we will get a court date.
Oh, I'm so so sorry, lettinggo.
I was thinking about you just yesterday. I'm so sorry this is dragging on.
Stay strong x
Thx Hester. Well, one candle was blown out (by me), happy birthday was sung on skype by her brother and cousin, a cute outfit was worn and a little girl was one year old today. Her parents celebrated with a few beers on the way home from the baby home All is good.
Our facilitator is meeting the judge tomorrow so we're back to crossing those fingers in the hope that we'll get a court date. Any date will do at this stage, just a date so we can have a plan of action.
I hope it's as soon as possible. I'm keeping you in my thoughts
And happy birthday to little girl
So very very happy for you.Did same this time six years ago,like Kewcumber we adopted our little boy from Kaz.
We now have a very cheeky, happy ,healthy, handsome, glorious big boy who I am proud to call our son. Got him at thirteen months and he is seven next month.We talk to him daily about his beginnings and he loves hearing the story about how he is so very very special because he was picked.
I didnt grow him in my tummy and like you I waited for him for six years and all that time I was growing him in my heart.
You have no idea of the joy that awaits you .You cannot imagine the feelings.Six years on and I still pinch myself that our dream came true.Just wish we had the money to do it all again.Savour every moment and God bless you and your new family and get ready for the ride of your life.
PS. just gone in to his bedroom to detangle him from his duvet and (as he snores away blissfully ) yet again I thank the Gods for so many things but most of all his health.
That was such a lovely post, ProudKazmum (I can't being to type out your user name
Thanks for the lovely messages. Proud Kaz Mum, you had me in tears with your lovely post.
Our facilitator phoned us this morning to say the judge won't look at our file until Oct 20th but that we have a court date for Dec 8th. I still don't think we can rely on this as a definite. But at least wel'll know for sure on Oct 20th. Until then I'll try hard NOT to think about the fact that we might be home with her for Christmas ( See how well that's working for me )
ProudKazmum - do I know you? .... near liverpool <<trying to be suitably vague so as not to blow your cover)??
WAHOO!!!! We have a court date- Dec 8th - so as long as there are no weather hold ups, we'll be home with our little girl on Dec 23rd!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh WOW that's brilliant, absolutely brilliant!!
Big Big celebrations in your house tonight then!!!
God this just made me well up, congratulations! That is absolutely fantastic, your little girl home for Christmas, how wonderful!
Wow, lettinggo that is brilliant - I have just been reading your story and I am so pleased for you.
What a wonderful Christmas present for your family!
Wow, Christmas is going to be busy this year!
I am so, so pleased for you xxx
(Name change cos I let go ages ago...)
Well tomorrow's the day! The bags are half packed (but they don't write songs about half packed bags ), instructions are written out for my sister for minding my ds and for my friend who's minding my dog, the turkey is ordered, Christmas presents bought and wrapped, the tree's coming down from the attic today, have I forgotten anything?
The nerves are in overdrive. I have a list that's on 2 sides of an A4 sheet and it's covered in post-its too. Court for us is on Thursday and I'm really nervous about it even though I know it will more than likely be fine. When I'm nervous though, I talk absolute shite and I'm afraid I'll come out with something stupid in the court. Anyway, presuming things go ok and the judge says "da", we'll have a daughter next Thursday . We can't take her from her Baby Home until Monday 19th so I'm going to stay in her village and visit her every day in the hope that by the time we take her from the home, she'll know me and will take some comfort from me because I think leaving her carers and her baby friends will be terrifying for her.
My dh will go home again this Friday and will go back to Russia with my ds on the 18th. Then they'll come to collect me and MY DD!!!! on Mon 19th. We have to go back to the city and wait for a couple of days to get her passport, then we get an overnight train to Moscow to go to the Irish Embassy, then we're flying home that day and will arrive in Dublin airport at 11.40pm.
Reasons to be scared:
1. The big reason. Something will go wrong in court and the judge will say "niet"
2. The plane will crash with me and dh on it and my ds will be orphaned ( I'm not usually afraid of flying but I hate travelling without ds)
3. I won't see my ds (11) for 2 whole weeks (and yes, I'll Skype him every day and he won't miss me I'm sure)
.....I could go on and on. I have officially turned into my mother. I worry.
BUT, if everthing goes ok, the judge says yes and the planes don't crash, in 3 weeks time I will be sitting here in my kitchen with a gorgeous little girl who will be mine forever. I just can't believe this is really happening.
How lovely and exciting! I wish you the very best of luck with everything. X
All my very best wishes at this exciting time - I was in tears reading this!
I'm so excited for you, good luck with it all!
ImHotNoYoureHot only checked in on this thread last night as I was thinking of you. Best of luck, hope all goes to plan and your little family is complete for Chrustmas.
Very exciting, YOU WILL BE FINE! How fantastic you're almost there!
Best of luck! Really hope everything goes smoothly from here on.
Good luck with all your plans . A few suggestions
Assume that there will be delays and make sure your tickets and plans are flexible
Ask if you can take DD from the baby home the day aftre court. There is no official reason why you cant if the adoption is granted.
You may not have to say anything in court.
Dont you have tp stay in russia for the appeal period? Are you sure it will be waived?
Are you sure that the irish embassy will issue her visa the same day?
Im a bit concrned that your timescale is really really tight. I hope it all works out for you
Oops i forgot
Take clothes and toys for the baby home and see if they will give you hers to take home
Ditto bedlinen, buy them soem new and take hers with you
Find out what brand of baby milk she is on and buy soem.
Get a detailed breakdown of her routine
Get photos of DD with all her carers. Write down their names
Ask if they will let you take photos of the other children she is with ( probably not). And of her room /ward ( ditto). But no harm in asking
After the adoption is granted, aSk if they have any information at all about her birth family. If its a village soemone probably knows. They may not tell you until aftre court. The russians often assume that you dont want to know .
If she is still on a bottle, keep her on it and ignore what your health visitor says. Im assuming she is about 12 months so she may not be weaned yet
Keep her diet as similar as possible for as long as possible
I was thinking of you today while I was out - I was just going to do a search to find this thread and up it popped
I am still so incredibly excited for you and hope you can keep us updated as you go? If not, we'll have to settle for a looooooong post when you get back
This is the nicest thread I've ever read on mumsnet. Huge congrats to all of you and the best of luck for your lives together.
Also I'm dying to know what her name is! Self confessed names addict lol
So glad I found this thread, congratulations and good luck, I will be following you until the minute you land home with your beautiful daughter. (I was adopted as a baby albeit from the UK and have a very soft spot for these threads, even more so than labour ones )
Just read the whole thread, what a wonderful story. Fingers, toes and everything else crossed that you will be home for christmas with your baby girl.
Oh what a wonderful thread, I am tears, I wish you all the best. A good friend has just adopted a 12 month old and they are over the moon as is their 7 year old.
Despite being a complete atheist I repeated your prayer at the beginning just now with all my heart.
Just spotted your thread - have read from the beginning. Congratulations!
she may be on kefir rather than milk - askif you can take a bottle with you for her and check if they are using sweetened or unsweetened. Also I asked for DS's name frm his locker - its just a piece of paper but they gave it to me when I asked.
My tummy is in knots for you - really hope all goes well. (Some fantastic advice there from Kristina, by the way.)
Do give us an update when you can, won't you? All the very best to you, your dh, ds and now your dd! [smug emoticon because I know her name ]
Thanks for all the good wishes. We're packed and ready to go and I'm about to open a bottle of wine to chill out a bit.
Our little girl is 14 months old today and I wonder does her BM count out the months like we do. I hope so.
Kristina, thanks for the advice, it's appreciated.
When we were there in October for her birthday, we were allowed photograph and video all her little baby friends and we really felt we got to know each of their personalities over the 4 days we spent with them. I hope and presume this will be important to her later on. It's such a shame I can't speak Russian because the baby home was so open, I'm sure I would have found out more information. I have a new list of questions for the director when we meet her on Wednesday.Apart from what we find out in court on Thursday, I reckon this will be our last chance to ask questions. I feel they are being very open and will answer any questions we have. Do you have any suggestions? We got answers to most of our questions last time but I'd welcome any suggestions you might have. We have all her carers on video but we don't have their names so we'll do that. There was one carer she was mad about so I'd love to be able to talk with her. I hope she's working on Wednesday because out interpreter will be with us when we visit us. Great idea about the bedding, will try to pick up bedding in the city before I go back to her village after court.
Re our time scale, we'll be fine. Court is on Thursday and I don't think they'll waive the 10 day wait (actually 11 days in our region) as they never do. We'll ask anyway. To be honest, I don't really mind because I'm going to have that time to spend with her, getting to know her and hopefully gaining a little bit of her trust and spending time with her little pals. Last time, I was allowed to feed her two meals a day and change her nappy, although not as often as I'd have liked. This will be a chance for me to get to know her routine, what she's eating and drinking. I agree with your suggestion about keeping her on bottles or putting her back on bottles if they've weaned her. I've been reading a very user-friendly book about adopting toddlers (The Weaver's Craft) and there are some practical suggestions in it.
The Irish Embassy are expecting us too, they're so accommodating to families adopting - they opened on a Sunday for friends of ours.The only thing that could delay us getting home (apart from the judge) would be weather and to be honest, as long as my dh and ds get to Russia and we're all together it doesn't matter.
Off to open the bottle of wine now. We'll have internet access from Friday so I'll come back with all the news. If anyone thinks of things I should be asking in the baby home, please make suggestions.
How wonderful and what great advice.
I wish you a wonderful trip and that it goes smoothly and you are home with your DD soon.
kew what is kefir?
kefir is a kind of fermented yoghurt drink, they feed babies on it from a very early age in the baby houses and is common across the old soviet states. Its considered to be good for digestion probably because it has less lactose than milk.
I fed DS kefir for a week then started mixing with formula 25% formula at first and increasingly until he was on pure formula.
is it good for them?
My MIL and SIL feed their (many, many) babies on Carnation milk and kept telling me I should do the same.
MIL was from Guyana. I was really but I gathered it was common practice so tried to politely swerve the subject.
well DS seemed to do pretty well on it! Though I gather because it s fermented that is has about 1% alcohol content so maybe he wasn't a happy baby just a pissed one!
Wha hey! My Gran used to give us a nip of brandy
It had not crossed my mind that other countries would have different baby 'formula' (that isnt formula). How dim of me.
I read a really interesting piece once about how the infant mortality rate was really high in parts of Scandinavia for centuries because any family with any wealth would feed babies exclusively on butter and cream. Trying to give them the best, obviously. Though in fact pushing through them stuff that their little guts couldn't cope with.
I imagine kefir as milk mixed with gripe water (the old alcoholic kind)
WOW!! Only just discovered this thread
and have made myself late for work by skimming through. We adopted from Russia 11 years ago now. Will come back and read through properly later.
Will be thinking of you. The Russians we met were all lovely and so very supportive of what we were doing.
Fantastic news ImHot, I'm so pleased for you all .
I really hope it all goes to plan. Imagine arriving in Dublin airport two days before Christmas with all the lights and the massive tree and everyone out to welcome you.
Oh, I have shivers down my spine just thinking about it.
And good on the irish embassy for being so helpful
Please take note, britsh embassy in moscow
OP you sound lovely.
Good luck with everything. Looking forward to your updates.
Kristina - take British Embassies everywhere. This time five years ago I was stuck in Kaz whilst my irish friends got on a plane and went home - about 2 weeks before me!
A family i know got information about the birth mother from speakimg to the person from the ministry of education ( who was a bit like the social worker).she managed to get photos of birth mum as well. They also went to see the street where birth mother had lived ( last known address) , the local school and maternity hospital where child was born. To take photos obviously, not to speak to anyone!
You may have to do this aftre court. They are worried to tell you anything beofre in case you chnge your mind if you find out anything " bad".
Another family i know was told that Bm had learning difficulties, but when they enquired further they found that she was at mainstream scholl until 16 and also had written the relinquishmnet document herself so quite unlikely to be correct
You are more likely to find out information in a small town or village. The russian assume tnat you dont want to knwo background infornation, its a bit like adoptions here in the 1950s. Also many adopters are ffro the Us and they have less interets in background that we do IYSWIM
So so so so so exciting!!!!!
Agree with Kristina's post. We managed to bring a load of paperwork describing DD4's background, parents etc back with us. It was her whole file. We later found out that there was no way we should have had it, but once here we managed to get it translated and it will really help when/if we want to trace her parents later on. Keep anything you can!!
Yea, the Russian philosophy on adoption is that its a new start and the "old life" should be forgotten. We were even asked if we wanted it put on her official birth certificate that she was born in England. Also we were asked if I wanted to be her official birth mother "to avoid complications!" We declined both, but they didnt understand why!
I hope everything goes well for you. We were also told that there was no way they would waive the 10 day wait, but they did for us!! Worth asking!!
I am really excited for you after doing this ourselves! Enjoy your time in Russia!!
Oh, also, we were told that they really exaggerate the medical conditions on the orphanage reports. DD4 did have very visible disability, but she was also said to have other things wrong with her, that were just the result of being in the orphanage all her life. SHe was an awful lot better than her report made her out to be and now she is doing very well and just like any other 14 year old, apart from her physical disability, which she copes with brilliantly!
I really didnt realise there were other MNers who had adopted from abroad. Big <<waves>> to you all!
I have just read the whole thread and am so excited for you and your family, will be lurking for news over the next few days. Wishing you a safe journey and hoping everything goes perfectly for you all x
She remembered us
When we went into her room today at the baby home, she had a moment of "don't I know you" puzzlement and then had a big smile. O my heart just burst out of my ribcage. And her lovely carers had her dressed in her birthday dress that I brought over and this time it fits her so she's grown. She's walking falteringly and thinks she's the cleverest girl in the world when she does it. She walks into your arms and falls in for a hug which I presume means she's used to getting hugs which fills my heart with gladness (as Paul Simon put it). Her hair has grown and she has a little curl in the bottom of it. I was so afraid that she would have been moved into the next room now that she's walking but the doctor said they kept her there on purpose because they knew she'd be moving soon and didn't want to unsettle her. I wanted to hug her.
As you may have gathered, I'm on a total high. The doctor answered all our questions, it made me wish I could think of more. I asked our translator/facilitator if she thought the doctor would give us the information that's in her file. I don't know what she got but we left the baby home with a stack of paperwork from the doctor which she says she'll translate for us. I can't believe our luck.
Court tomorrow and I have to give the speech cos dh is sick. I hope I can get through it without bawling my eyes out. The first thing I did when I saw her today was burst out crying. Will come back tomorrow, please keep all fingers and toes crossed for tomorrow. XXX (I don't care if mumsnet is too cool for hugs, I want to hug the world right now!!!!)
how utterly brilliant.
Everything crossed for tomorrow x
Oh that's so fab that she remembered you xxx
I'm a melting pot of gooeyness reading that!!! She sounds absolutely adorable
Lovely, lovely Dr too!
Fab fab fab news about the paperwork!! If by any chance they ask for it back - I'd lie & tell them you have already posted it back to the UK!!
Could you ask for the Dr's contact details <if you don't already have them> just in case you think of anything else you wish you'd asked her?
Fingers, toes & everything else crossed for tomorrow!!!
Hope DH is feeling better soon!
What a special time, my DS's best friend is adopted from Russia and is the sweetest little boy ever. What a fab time of year to have good news! I would be singing from the roof tops!
I hope DH feels better and that all goes well!
awwh just seeen this post so happy for you .wat did you call her?
That's lovely!! ((hugs)) I will be thinking of you tomorrow. The court hearing isn't scary. When we went our Judge was a lady who looked like mrs trunchbull off Matilda. I was scared silly!! Our translator was brilliant and when we didn't answer a question as he thought we should he said to us "I am going to say..... is that ok?" After it had all gone through the judge came and hugged us and said that she ahd adopted from an orphanage, too and wished us all the best! Mrs Trunchbull turned out to be a lovely mumsy-type!!
Are you keeping a diary of these days? It would be good to, so that DD will have a very special book to read when she is older.
WOuld love to know her name, too. DD4 has a Russian name, obviously. Twould be funny if it is the same! (Russians seem to lack imagination when it comes to names there are very few to choose from!)
Very best of luck to you all.
Oh how lovely, lovely, lovely. I'm so happy for you!
So happy for you!!! What a wonderful story! I could feel my own heart pushing against my ribcage as I read it. Hope court goes very smoothly, you'll do great!
What wonderful news! Have been following your journey for a long time and like many on mn I am so happy for you and your new DD.
Looking back to 16 years ago when we were in a similar position, in a strange country over Christmas with our newborn adopted DC.
It was an absolute magical time, it will always for us be the best Christmas ever.
Hoping all goes well for you and that you enjoy every moment with your new daughter.
Sobbing here too and praying for strength for you tomorrow.
OOh I remember reading this, ooooooh how exciting for you (and us reading),
Loads of love and luck. Bet Santa is gonna have an extra large sledge for your family this year.
Good luck in court today! Though I am sure you won't need it.
Lots of love and best wishes to you and your new DD xx
Just found this thread. have absolutely everything crossed for you today. Your visit sounds wonderful. I really hope everything turns out just how you want it. Xxx
What an incredible thread! Good luck, I can't wait to hear how you get on.
Yipee!!! She said yes!
That was the most nerve wracking thing I've ever done. I had my speech written out but I lost track of where I was on the sheet and had to speak ad lib. I left some stuff out but it went fine. Then I was questioned by the judge and the prosecutor but I think I did ok. DH was questioned too. In total, the court session was just over an hour long, and in the end she said yes!
DH is snoring away beside me now but as soon as it's cocktail hour (I've decided it's 3pm in Russia) we're off out to celebrate:-)
Hurrah! Massive congratulations to you all!
Massive congratulations to you. Can't even begin to imagine the emotions you are going through right now.
When will you be able to bring your DD home with you?
Hope you have a wonderful wonderful Christmas.
How fantastic, been lurking and so delighted to see this! Hope you enjoy the next two weeks getting to know your lovely new little girl. Enjoy the cocktails!
YESSS!! So so happy for you. You must be flying high right now. A whole new chapter for you and your precious girl
OMG - that's FANTASTIC for you all
What a relief. I don't understand how DH can possibly be sleeping!! Though I'll let him off as he hasn't been well
and men seem to be able to sleep anytime.
Not long now until you get to bring your daughter home x
Akiram - from an earlier post...
My dh will go home again this Friday and will go back to Russia with my ds on the 18th. Then they'll come to collect me and MY DD!!!! on Mon 19th. We have to go back to the city and wait for a couple of days to get her passport, then we get an overnight train to Moscow to go to the Irish Embassy, then we're flying home that day and will arrive in Dublin airport at 11.40pm
So around the 22/23rd I'd say Just in time for Santa.
Thankyou Chipping Must have missed that bit.
I was thinking about you the other day (my dd is the same age as yours) I'd been meaning to search out the thread.
Im so happy you have your dd. So happy she will be home in time for christmas. Just so pleased and excited for you.
Oh, that's fantastic.
What a wonderful, wonderful Christmas present for you, your dh and your ds and for your wider family.
I will never forget my parents' delight the first time they met ds and dd.
Let's all pray now for nice, calm, snow and ice free weather until the 23rd .
Congratulations to you all and welcome to your new DD
Yippee! Such fab news, have been thinking of you all day
Congratulations - someone told me that they don't feel completely yours until you are through imigration in the UK, which was certainly rue in my case. But Court in Russia does feel like one of the last BIG hurdles over...
Makes me feel quite nostalgic!
Just before I read your comment, Kew, I said to DH "she doesn't feel like ours yet". It's weird being here (in the pub!!) thinking we have another child sleeping in a baby home. I think once we get her from the baby home it will feel more real. At the moment it's a bit of an anticlimax. DH goes home tomorrow and on Saturday I'm going to her village to spend the 10 day wait with her. I was nervous about this before but now I'm excited, of course that could be the beer talking! And I just found a cocktail menu which I plan to work my way through this evening . This will be our last night out together for a while so we may as well get locked
Thanks for all the good wishes, I have all warm and fuzzy feelings towards you all
maybe that's the beer though??
It's going to be the longest ten days of your life, isn't it . Can you get online, or will we wait for a "We're hooooooooooooooooooome" announcement on the 23rd?
Try not to worry aout your feelings. There is no right or wrong way to feel about this. Its like childbirth -some parenst get a sudden rush of love, other think " thnak goodness thats over, please get me soem toast".
Just focus on doing all the right thimgs that you know to build attachmentnand the bond will grow. It may be instant or it may take weeks or months. You will have weepy times and momenst of uncertaintly. But it will be fine in teh end. Remember you are 23 months behind the normal mother -child bonding, so you will need plenty time to catch up
I've been lurking for a bit, but wanted to say Congratulations
I hope you all have the best Christmas ever
Huge congratulations on your dd
I am in a shitty mood and you have cheered me right up .
Enjoy the cocktails .
Congratulations, Imhot to you and your DH on your new daughter - what an amazing year 2012 is going to be for you all! Have a wonderful ten days and a safe journey home.
Absolutly fantastic news! So so pleased for you and your new family and wishing youa safe trip home.
I'm having a mojito right now. A long island iced tea is next
Kristina, those words were what I needed to hear. You always make such sense. I feel like I'm supposed to be on top of the world now, and of course I'm so so glad court went well, but I thought I'd be more, well, elated. It's not that I'm not delighted but I thought I'd feel more of something. Does that make sense?
Why do you say 23 months behind? She's 14 months now, is there a further lag for her time in institutional care? Having helped a child with an attachment disorder, that's one thing I really want to do everything I can to get right.
By the way, I was the mother who wanted toast after the birth too, although I did have the rush of love too but hunger always supersedes everything for me .
Maryz, I'll have the internet thanks to our lovely driver who lent us his dongle for mobile internet access. The signal is good in her village, we had the dongle last time too.So I'll keep y'all posted with our progress during the week. When we come back to the city, we've booked into the lovely hotel instead of the very basic hotel we're staying in at the moment so I'm really looking forward to the luxury of it. My gorgeous mother gave us 500 before we left Dublin to pay for our food while we're in Russia so we're using that to justify paying double for the lovely hotel. But it means we're really looking forward to being in the city with her.
Thanks everyone for all the good wishes, it's lovely to feel the kindness of strangers.
I'mHot congratulations! I was thinking of you today wondering how you're getting on and hoping for the best. I'm guessing 23 months includes the pregnancy.
Maths was never my strong point as you can guess! That makes sense.
14 months plus the 9 in utero. Didnt you begin to bond with your bio child as soon as you know you were pg? Or even while you were ttc? And the unborn child knows your voice, your childrens, your daily routines, your music. Experinces your stress levels etc etc. She knew all that with her bio mother, then she lost her..
And yes of course she will be developmentaly delayed because she is institutionalised. But attachment is the foundation of everything else and takes priority over most developmental issues. She needs to learn what a mummy is and bond with you, not many carers. Then dad. No one esle to care for her at all until this is secure.
You have a big job ahead of you. Its not like parenting a normal 14mo. More like a toddling newborn . And while you are focussed on doing this job, the bond bewteen you will grow and the love will come.
Its fine to feel exhausted/elated and an anti climax. You still have quite a lomg road ahead. Its the beginning, not the end. Its ok to be nervous, a bit shell shocked, a bit " i never thought be would get here".you are facing time alone with a totally strange child in an unknown country, apart from your dh and dd. Its ok to have mixed feeling. Most of the people reading this are thinkimg " wow , isnt she brave". So be kind to yourself
Serves me right for answering for you!
I never had the rush of love with any of mine. I just wanted food and peace and quiet. The babies /children looked ok, if a bit weird, but they could have been anybodys. They didnt look like us or even each other. Thats the bio ones as well as the others btw
Soemtimes RL gets in the way of my mumsnetting
It's true, as soon as I was pg, I started bonding with ds. And even though we've known about dd (see how I can just casually slip that in, my dd!!) since May, I've always been holding back because until today we couldn't be sure she was going to be ours.
Got to go, dh wants to skype his bro, will post again soon.
We adopted our DS 6 months ago from Russia and I went through exactly the same issues. Just trust that it will work out- they want you to adopt this little girl. Every moment of every day for the last 6 months have been worth every moment of stress and heart wrenching emotions we went through to get him. They say that women forget about the pain of childbirth once they have the baby in their arm. It's the same with us just our labour is years not hours!
Good Luck and feel free to get in touch if you want to talk.
I didn't feel a rush of love with either my birth child or my adopted child. I was very fond of both, but it took several months before I felt real passion. Now I am completely obsessed with them.
So don't worry if the feelings don't all fall into place straight away. Act like you love her, and soon you will
Hot - I didn't really feel "safe" to start bonding with DS properly until we got home. There had been so many problems along the way - right up to getting his visa to go home that I just couldnt really process that he was finally mine until there was really nothing left to go wrong.
I felt very responsible for him from the start and as Hester said quite fond of him but the real love took a while longer, probably months even, although its such a gradual process that its hard to pinpoint when it happens.
ALso there are so many hurdles to overcome its totally understandable if your main feeling at the moment is relief!
If you haven't read my blog - you might identify with some of it www.simplesite.com/journeytokaz
Get your hankies out befroe you read that blog though
Ooh, I read Kew's blog before and there were not just tears, there were snots let me tell you! What a gorgeous diary to have of that time in both your lives, Kew. I think I'll go and read it again now that I'm here and it's more relevant. By the way, she IS drinking kefir, and another drink they call compote which looks like apple juice but smells different. Any idea what it is?
Well I'm walking on sunshine, as the song goes. My dd and I are falling in love with each other. We had a lovely day yesterday, I got lots of smiles and a couple of laughs from her. I got to feed her morning and afternoon which was great. I slept ok in Bates Motel but woke up feeling dodgy. I was dreading going to the baby home because I really didn't want to use the loo there (won't go into detail...).
But when I got there, my favourite two carers were working. DD was in the big playpen and when she saw me, she BEAMED at me. The tummy settled, I think I was just really nervous about everything and we had a gorgeous morning. She toddled, or wobbled really, around the place and would come over to where I was lots of times to say hi. She's just put her hand on my shoulder and I'd put my arm around her and give her a little hug and let her go on her merry way again. It's great to know I have many days ahead with her, I don't feel under pressure to spend every minute with only her. I'm having a lovely time with the other babies too.
This afternoon when I came back, she beamed all over again at me, and then later when she was wobbling around, she wobbled right into my arms and put her little head into my neck for a cuddle. I thought my heart was going to burst, I'm bawling now writing this. And then later, I put my arms out while she was wobbling past and she did the same thing again. O boy. I skyped dh and ds at home from the baby home and she waved at them (well, ok she wasn't waving at them but I was waving and she copied me but ds thinks she was waving at him).
She's very used to getting hugs and often goes up to the carers for a cuddle. This afternoon, one of the carers was sitting on the couch and babs went up to her and put her head in her lap for a cuddle. I sat on the other end of the couch and she wobbled over from the lady to me and put her head in MY lap for a cuddle. My heart is doing somersaults. I was a gobshite to be afraid. We're going to love each other loads, me and this little girl.
Thanks for all the support here. I was feeling so out of my comfort zone. It's good to have words of wisdom from those who have been there before.
Now I'm off to read Kew's blog again.
Oh god, I've just cried out my contact lenses! I'm so so happy for you and your daughter
Oh I've been following your thread for months, so pleased for you, am in tears, have a few more ((((((((((()))))))))))))s
((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))s for you OP. Love reading your updates
[smug emoticon because I was right about the kefir and know about the compote]
Compote is a kind of apple juice in a way - common in winter due to lack of fresh fruit. They make it by boiling dried apples - the apples are eaten a bit like stewed apples and the remaining water is sweetened and drunk as an apple juice. It tastes quite nice from memory but I recall it had quite a bit of sugar in it.
DS will still at six only drink apple juice and water!
I just knew there was going to be a cosmic reason why I was stuck in kaz for endless months... it was for me to be smug and give you a helping hand!
if you have a room fridge check it out. Everything in mine was complimentary and they kept putting stuff in it. Eventually I used to take it in to the carers every morning.
O boy, Kew, you should write a book about your experience. You really went through a lot, I feel like I'm on an all-inclusive carribbean holiday by comparison. When I feel sorry for myself again, I'll think of you. Your boy is utterly beautiful. Do you keep in touch with the two Irish families still?
yes we keep in touch and with the american couple who I shared a flat with for the last week or so.
We are hoping to have a reunion next spring.
In fact, looking back on it now with the benefit of hindsight, I wouldn't change a thing. I have an insight into DS's life at the babyhouse that most people adopting never get.
No room fridge, it's not that kind of hotel. It's more like someone's house, think of a communist-type social housing building and you'll be picturing it. When I walk around the room, I tiptoe because the woman who owns/runs the place is downstairs doing her ironing all day and the walls/floors are all paper thin. It's pretty grim but it's clean. I'm glad I brought my hot water bottle because going from the crazy-hot baby home to here is like walking from a sauna into a fridge.
The ladies in our baby home are lovely too. I'm so glad I'll be able to tell her that she was loved for the first year of her life. They're mostly older ladies and they are so lovely to the children. Like I said my post earlier, the children are very used to being hugged and they all expect to be picked up when they cry. There are 10 babies in DD's room, she's probably the oldest and the youngest is about 8 months. The children are so busy and active, it's hard for the two ladies on duty to keep up with them. I don't know how there aren't more accidents. Their room is lovely but there are lots of sharp corners etc.
I saw on your blog about the compote, it's good to know how it's made. She likes it but doesn't seem too crazy about the kefir. What's good to know though is that she takes a bottle still. The director had told me she was drinking only from a cup now- maybe she was trying to impress me with dd's advancement or something? Anyway, I'm glad she still drinks from a bottle because we were going to try to put her back on them anyway.
Kew, they talk about babies being resilient, you showed such resilience on that trip to Kaz. I really don't know if I could have done it. And I felt so sorry for that Irish family where the mam went home for Christmas and the dad stayedin Kaz.
I had to laugh at your reference to the Irish and their omens. In court on Thursday, I told the judge that dd was meant for us because she was born on the feast of St Francis and that's dh's dad's name, she has dh's granny's name, her birth date is my godfather's birthday (and I didn't day this bit but I believe it- he's now dead and I think he directed her to us and us to her, I know how completely barmy that sounds and I don't care) and her court date was the feast of the immaculate conception (big church holy day) so all these omens meant she was supposed to be our dd. The judge didn't laugh, in fairness to her!
The two lovely ladies on duty today, Tanya and Natasha, made coffee for me and cakes and Tanya brought in photos of her family to show me. With the help of an English-Russian dictionary, we had a lovely conversation. She told me bits about some of the other children.She gave me her address so when I get home I'm going to post her a framed picture of her and dd.
wow, I've just found this thread and am sat here with a river of mascara running down each cheek. So happy for you, excited on your behalf and bringing back such lovely memories of meeting my own DD exactly 4 years ago.
We adopted domestically but the same feelings of will she remember me when you walk in the room, that horrific upset tummy feeling that goes the minute you make eye contact with her but completely overridden by the wave that hits you that you are with your DD.
Congratulations and I hope that your family of 4 have a very happy Christmas.
I'm glad you are surviving ok.
I'm also amused by the Irish omens. We went to Romania to adopt before we were lucky enough to get our two. We got there just before they clamped down, and ended up in the middle of a row between locals and rich Americans, where basically babies were being sold. It was horrible. There was no "allocation" of babies, basically you arrived at the airport, drove from orphanage to orphanage and hoped for the best.
I don't tell many people this, but I looked after a baby for two weeks over there that I was going to adopt. But when they produced her paperwork, I realised that it was forged - it was another babies birth certificate (for a much older baby) and the so-called "mother" turned out to be a rather elderly lady who I don't believe was the baby's mother. I was afraid that she was a stolen baby, taken from some young girl against her will. but when I queried, it all got nasty and I had to go home and leave her behind .
I thought I would never recover.
When we got dd, she had the birth name that I was going to use for the baby I had looked after. I really thought that I had been given a little bit of my life back.
I still worry about what happened to that baby. I hope she was adopted and looked after by someone. I still wonder should I have taken her home, it killed me not to, but I just couldn't buy into such a corrupt system - I would have had to lie to her for the rest of her life .
Have just caught up on this thread and am so pleased that everything's going well for you. Your account of your day with your baby girl waddling back and forth, beaming at you, and snatching quick hugs with you sounds just wonderful! Enjoy the rest of your time with her until you bring her home with you
What beautiful words in the novena. I am Catholic so it makes sense to me. Good luck x
Maryz, I just can't imagine how difficult that was. We were in the process of adopting from Vietnam when it closed down and to be honest, we were really relieved because there were a few stories coming out, I don't know if you remember, about babies being stolen and paperwork being forged. The baby home directors got a cut for every baby adopted internationallY. We have no way of knowing if this was actually happening but even people who had already adopted from VN were waving red flags. Like you, we had to believe in our hearts and souls that adoption was the only option for our child. You couldn't spend a lifetime looking at your child and wondering if somewhere her mother was in agony not knowing what had happened to her. It must have been brutal to leave without her but you really had no other choice. I admire you. And that was on omen that the gods were smiling on you when your dd came along.
Have to go now my taxi will be here in 5 minutes. Why am I nervous all over again???
Maryz, that sounds traumatic . I really admire your courage - and yours IHNYH - in doing the right thing.
Today was a strange day for me and I need a right good kick up the back side.
DD's favourite carer was working, the one who she took her first step towards. She was happy to see me when I arrived but she just wanted to be near or in the arms of her favourite carer, Katya. Now I KNOW that this is a wonderful thing, I KNOW how great it is that she has an attachment to a lovely carer and that it will mean that she will presumably form an attachment to me. I got lovely photos of her with Katya and the other lovley carer (who she also smiled at as she wobbled past on her way to Katya) and I think these will be really important to her in the future. This woman loves those babies. She's really calm and gentle with them all.
I was jealous, I think. Which is completely ridiculous. I got hugs today and she wobbled to me for little cuddles but I can't wait until she's crawling all over me like she was with Katya today.
It must be hard going back to your lonely hotel room, IHNYH. Those feelings are really understandable. I remember our dd's foster carer popping by the say goodbye the day after dd came to live with us, and dd shrieking, "Yay!" in excitement when she saw her. The relief on her little face was quite heartbreaking to witness.
Of course you are jealous. There must be all sorts of emotions mixed up there too. Be kind to yourself
oh wow congratulations!
I remember reading kew's blog all those years ago - how is ds doing kew?
Maryz that's heartbreaking - both for you and for the little girl. I remember once watching a programme about international adoption and there being a similar story about a family who adopted from Cambodia. In this family's case it was a five yo little girl they adopted iirc and they'd been told that the parents were dead but that she was being fostered. When she came to sign the papers it somehow transpired that the "foster" parents were in fact the real parents and for some reason had been pressured or felt forced to give up their little girl for adoption. But obviously due to the language barrier there had been no indication that this was the case. They showed her several years down the line and although she was happy in her life in the US she somehow felt robbed of her life in Cambodia. It was about then that internation adoption from Cambodia was ceased I think.
How are things today, iHNYH?
I've just found this thread. How lovely. I've been having a little cry reading it! Congratulations on your new dd.
Totally choked up now.
Congrats to you!
I have just found this thread and have been sat at work welling up reading your story.
Congratulations. I hope you, your DH, DS and DD are altogether very soon.
I wish you all a truly wonderful Christmas together.
wannabe - DS is just peachy thanks. Went to see his school nativity play this morning (blub) - I can't believe he's six and can't believe that he's on all the normal charts for everything and I can't believe he's mine (still!).
Wow, so much hope from so much trepidation.
Maryz - I hope there is a bit of healing in that big wound. I've been thinking a lot about what happens if our pending adoption all falls apart at the last minute, trying to prepare myself, but I just cannot imagine the heartbreak. Of course, we have to endure what we must, because there is really no other option, but I would probably go into a very dark place for a while. It wouldn't be forever, but I'd guess the scar would be there always.
ImHot - Can't wait to hear that you are back with your DD. Don't worry, she will attach to her new family and love you more than anything - it just takes time, love and LOADS of patience. Congrats on getting this far, you will be a wonderful mum!!!
Kew - I love hearing your perspective. I tried picturing myself at a school play, but I can't quite imagine it yet. Hopefully soon.
Thanks Hester, the right words at the right time. 4 more sleeps now so I'm past the half way mark.
I'm not sure does dd know something is up. Of course she can't, but things have changed. On our previous visits and on Sat and Sun this time, dd has been quite an independent, undemanding baby. Other babies would be hanging out of the carers desperate for a cuddle but not dd. She'd play away happily and when she'd go past the carer, she'd swoop in for a cuddle and then move in.
Since Monday it's been different. I thought on Monday it was because Katya was on duty and she really loves her. But it's been the same for the last 2 days too. She's really clingy with them, wanting always to be on their lap. She'll give me big smiles and the odd hug, but she's all about the carers. Honestly, I think she knows something is up. There's another little girl there who makes a beeline for me every time she sees me and I end up with her on my lap a lot of the time. I don't know how I expected it to be but I'm afraid we're not bonding, or she's not.She's a tough crowd!
Really looking forward to hearing that you're home safe with your DD. Sending you loads of good wishes.
Crikey- I stumbled across this thread becasue it was in most active - i'm still not dressed and was meant to be being super organised today!
I have no experience of adoption at all, so please forgive me for trying to attempt to comment, BUT - your emotions will be all over the shop and being alone atm you will most probably run everything through your mind millions of times, arguing with yourself and trying to tell yourself to stop being silly etc etc.
She could possibly be aware of something going on - she is seeing you more and more now and you have a long road ahead i am sure, but oh what a fabulous thing, you are there, she is there you are safe and well and so, more importantly will she be for the rest of her life (within realms of normality of course lol!) I know about delays etc etc but she still is at at that funny age anyway when it comes to people - do not beat yourself up about anything. I shall follow this with huge interest
Kew - i have not read your blog yet, your pictures were enough to set me off and I have a dreadful cough so crying is really no good. he is beautiful, really beautiful <<sniff>>
Please try to not worry, IHNYH. Its easrly days yet. All she knows is that there is a new adult in the room who shows a lot of interest in her. While this is fun she obviously finds it a bit unsettlimg.she is very used to routine and hers has changed. She has no ideea of what a mummy is, let alone that you are hers.
Things will change when you have sole charge of her. Im a bit surprised tnat she is not staying in your hotel with you. Will they not let her move until the waiting period is up?
ImHot - for someone who was worried she might not form a bond or fall in love with her DD, you are showing pretty good signs of both
I wonder if the carers have been telling her that you are her Mummy/going to look after her and that she will go to live with you. OK, so at 14 months (and having only lived at the home) that isn't going to mean a whole lot, but probably enough for her to know things will be somehow different. Maybe they have been saying they'll miss her/be sad when she goes. It wont mean a lot to her, but she will 'feel' something is up & so naturally will cling to them.
Of course she will miss her carers when she leaves them - but she is only very little, she does 'like' you and she does go to you for cuddles already It is lovely that you are allowed to stay in touch with her carers, hopefully one day you can take her to visit them.
It's only natural to be jealous/worried/scared - but it will be OK lovely, truely it will x
DS and I were both rubbish at bonding initially, it took about 3 days to stop him crying when he saw me, then another 10 days to get him to look at me in the eye except for very brief periods then at about 5 weeks everything changed and he moved rooms and didn't recognise any of the carers and I became his rock. I wouldn't call it bonding - just desperation! But it worked for us in the end and we have more than made up for it since.
It used to wind me up a treat that our bonding room was effectively the corridor to the sick bay and DS joyfully greeted every person who wasn't me . It makes me smile now when I consider how attached he is to me but it was a very anxious time then because I didn't feel I was bonding with him either.
As Kristina said to me at the time "just fake it and the rest will come" or words to that effect. I did and it did.
I think it's unrealistic to expect her to start bonding with you at this stage, tbh. She is of course getting to know you, and to like you, and that will help enormously when she is left alone with you. But at her age she can't comprehend what will happen and she won't start transferring her attachment to you until she has to.
But that is ok, it really is. I understand that you are full of anxieties at the moment, and desperately want things to feel ok for her. But she is going to be disrupted and it WILL be unsettling and distressing for her, however much she is getting to like you. You really need to get your head round this and not feel as though you have failed if she gets upset when you take her. This is part of the process.
When I took dd she was fiercely attached to her fc, and she was a sad little baby for quite some time. Superficially she seemed to adjust well (no crying, disrupted sleep, anger, refusal of food) but every photo I have of her at that time shows her looking sad and troubled. It breaks my heart. BUT her distress meant that she clung to me, like a little monkey. Even though she was already 11 months, I carried her round in a sling for weeks, and she sat on my hip for many months. That is how we bonded - BECAUSE she was traumatised, she clung to me, she needed me, and gradually she learned to love and trust me. She is now such a happy little girl. Now it is ME who gets a yay when I arrive at the door, and it is me who gets hugs and kisses and "I luff you Mummy!" a thousand times a day.
So see it as part of the process. Be gentle with her and yourself. Don't rush it. It will take time - that is natural and inevitable.
Sorry, I sounded very doctrinaire in that post. Everybody is different, of course. I just can't bear the thought of you sitting there all alone, getting upset - and then maybe going home and being upset all over christmas because it doesn't live up to your fantasies. I just want you to be reassured that everything sounds fine, and that what it might be tempting to see as a fairytale scenario (child falls into your arms and you both instantly love each other) is probably not as ideal as it sounds.
yes as hester said taking time to attach to you is "normal" and should therefore be celebrated
through gritted teeth
I have no experience of adoption but I am sure everything will work out well and you will start bonding very soon. It is lovely to hear stories of successful adoptions!
You have no idea what these posts meant to me. Without getting all sentimental, thanks. I'm bawling now for the first time since court and I think I needed to do that.
I do know I'm over-analysing everything, and if she was the little girl who keeps wanting to sit on my lap all day, I'd be worried about the fact that she was doing that. I am in an emotional heap and trying hard to keep it together.
It makes such sense that the carers have been talking to her about the changes that are afoot. I know she's only 14 months but she looks intently at her carers when they talk to her so she understands loads. They do keep saying to her (or I presume they're saying) "there's mama, go to mama" and while she may not know what a mama is yet, she knows I'm not a nyah-nyah (carer). While I've done loads of reading and talking to adoptive parents before now, it's so different when I'm here. I don't want to fuck things up. I want to do everything right from the start and I know I'm putting unreasonable expectations on myself and on our budding relationship, I can't seem to help myself.
Having said all that I had the most gorgeous and memorable day today. She greeted me with a beaming smile., The other babies were fed already but the carers had left her food for me to feed her, which I was thankful for. I brought her outside for about 30 minutes on our own at the suggestion of the carers which she was VERY wary of. When we came back inside, I thought she'd run for the hills after me bringing her out of her comfort zone, but she was really happy to sit on my lap, dance etc. Magic. Then one of her lovely carers, the one who has conversations with the dictionary, gave me a present; a beer mug for dh, sweets and a Christmas decoration for ds, a book for dd and a pottery dish for me. In the dictionary she pointed to the word "remember". That was the start of today's tears. How bloody nice is that?
This afternoon, dd wanted to be in the arms of her carers more but would come over from time to time. Then the same lovely carer pointed to "potato" in the dictionary, asking me do I like potatoes and then went and cooked potatoes and hot-dogs for the three of us, and had coffee and cake after. How supremely nice is that? And I discovered dd loves potato so her Nana will be thrilled with that!
Today's carers will be on duty on Monday when we leave so I'm delighted about that. Another little boy from her room is also leaving, I found out today. He's going to new parents in the city nearest to here. I don't know if he's being adopted or fostered but I'm glad for him. I'll miss them all.
Thanks to everybody on the thread, it's so nice to have people rooting for you and brilliant to get the sensible voices of people who have been there already.
Ive ready your thread from start to finish and the tears just wont stop. I wish you all so much happiness with your new gorgeous little girl. Have the most amazing chirstmas ever. x
Have only read a little of this thread, but I am so pleased for you. What a rollercoaster of emotions you have been through.
Our third child came home four years ago next week.
I remember well the introduction period and for us it was very smooth sailing.
Thinking of you all and wishing you all the very best.
Kewcumber I have just read through your blog and I am in absolute awe of you. You are such an inspirational woman, and your son is beautiful.
tbh pixiestix I'm pretty in awe of anyone who slogged through it! Mostly it was followed on a weekly basis by people at the time - anyone ploughing through the whole lot deserves a medal!
What an amazing thread. I am sitting here with tears streaming. Wishing you all every happiness.
I've been watching this for weeks, waiting for the homecoming. Counting days now, and may even squeeeee for the first time. Ever. When it happens.
I re-read my MN threads from our trip and parts of th blog last night and cried . It brought it all back, you think you will never forget but you do. Take more photos than you will ever possibly think you need of things that you really don;t think photos should be taken of. I took photos of the corridors of the baby house, the floor plans up on the walls the door of the sick bay he was in etc. Wished I'd taken more out and about in the town.
And just try as much as possible to live in the moment and savour every tiny thing because once you leave you won't be back for a very long time. DS's birth place has a special place in my heart and I think of it quite a lot. I describe leaving in my blog as being a bit like emigrating - pleased and excited to be going and starting a new chapter of your life and yet sad to be leaving such an important place to you (and your DD) knowing that you won't revisit probably for a very long time.
After reading this I just wanted to wish you the best christmas ever and every happiness in your new life together x
Ahh, what a lovely thread. Wishing you all the best OP, and Kewcumber, your blog is amazing
Kew, I'm just sending you a quick pm, if you have a minute.
ImHot - it sounds like a lovely day was had by all She really does sound like a lovely little poppet!! 'Remember' had me in tears again! It will be hard to say good-bye to them, even though they've only been a short part of your life, they've been DD's entire life and saying good bye to that will be hard. As Kew said, take loads & loads of photos of everything, you can't have too many and you do forget the little things. Get as many of their private contact details as you can. Have you asked them to write down all their names and the childrens names?
Your meal sounds a lot nicer than what Kew had to endure with her DS's carers! They were being ever so lovely and kind and Kew did so well - very very much better than I would have done!
You really really can't fuck this up if you love her & cuddle her
It is absolutely no surprise at all that you are a bit of an emotional wreck and are worrying... your posts are making me cry and I'm not even there!!
Kew - honestly, you underestimate your threads/blog. I read them at the time and I've read them a couple of times since (the ones that are still around anyway). I love your slide presentation. It is compelling reading and honestly, if you didn't mind exposing your life
more than you have on the www already it would honestly make a brilliant book. You are a total star and it's a lovely, lovely story - with finally, a happy ending!
I had another nice day today. It was Katya on duty today so dd was her best pal all day. I had some lovely times with her too. Your advice has sunk in. Hester, what you said about her not transferring her attachments until she has to hit home and I feel pressure gone off me.
I said a tearful goodbye to Katya and the other lady Valla, and it was only when I was sitting here this evening I realised that Katya in particular will be sad saying goodbye to dd. Today will be her last day looking after her. I'm glad dd sat on her lap so much today and I got more photos of them chilling out together.
Tomorrow's the turn of the carer who was a bit of a battleaxe on our last day in October but I went on a charm offensive the last day so we're pals now. I won't be crying saying goodbye to her though
Brilliant that you've had another lovely day
I have been thinking about the carers too - it must be so hard for them, both elated that the children have a family now and yet so sad not to know if they will ever see them again and to lose the (almost) daily contact they have with them. It is really, really, hard to say good bye to children that you have been that close to Mind you they are probably a bit more pragmatic than the over emotional chippy! Hopefully knowing that DD has such a lovely, lovely, family will help x
Did you get Katya's contact details? It would be lovely to send a letter and some photos in the New Year - the ones you have taken of them together and some of DD over Christmas with you all.
Hopefully she wont revert to battleaxe tomorrow, but if she does - just think of us all standing behind you! It also wouldn't hurt to cut one day short if she's really upsetting you. Maybe use the time to go out and about and take some photos!
How are DH & DS doing - I bet they are missing you like mad and envious of the time you are getting with DD. I hope they're having some 'boy fun'.
Hi Chipping in
She was a battleaxe on our last day in October. She had a full blown stand up row with the director in the corridor in front of us and all the babies, she wasn't happy with us being there. I'm guessing this is what it was about because she was gesturing to us and mentioned dd. It was very uncomfortable. Coming this time, I told dh she was going to be my project, getting her onside. She was working on Tuesday and it was fine. I was all smiles and happiness and joy and she eventually caved in and realised what a lovely person I am The only fly in the ointment was she followed me into the changing room when I went to change dd's nappy and I was all nervous and all fingers and thumbs so I'm sure she thinks I'm an idiot. Never mind, I'll make her love me all over again tomorrow
I'm guessing it is hard for the carers to see the children go, even if they're happy for them. I'm a teacher (primary) and only have my kids for 5 hrs 40 mins a day and I know how totally attached (not the right word but it'll have to do) I get to them. When I see them with a new teacher the following year, it's always hard. They still feel like "mine". I'm sure it's more intense for the carers because they're taking care of all the needs of these babies, all day long. When dd and the other baby leave on Monday, there will be two more children replacing them and that will change the vibe in the room too.
I didn't get Katya's address because it didn't occur to me until I was leaving that this was their last day with dd. I hope I'll see her in the baby home though. I saw her the day after her day in dd's room, she must work in a different room tomorrow.
ChippingIn you're very kind to say so.
"with finally, a happy ending!" - I like to think of it as a happy beginning
You sound like such a caring, thoughtful person IHNYH. When do your dh and ds join you?
Hester - IMHOT posted this a while ago Then they'll come to collect me and MY DD!!!! on Mon 19th. We have to go back to the city and wait for a couple of days to get her passport, then we get an overnight train to Moscow to go to the Irish Embassy, then we're flying home that day and will arrive in Dublin airport at 11.40pm - so Monday
Kew - <ahem> Happy Beginning
IMHOT - sounds like you have Project Battleaxe all sorted!! I hope you do see Katya tomorrow. I know what your mean about your 'class' children. I bet you are an amazing teacher and I bet all the Mums try to get their kids in your class! When will you go back to teaching? Sept?? No idea what time it is there, but I'm guessing you'll be in bed - hope you sleep well, ready for another great day!
Hope all goes well tomorrow, IMHOT, a big step for your family!
Thanks MidnightHag. There's another little boy leaving tomorrow too to go to a Russian family in the city nearest to here. I'm hoping we'll be there together as I'd love to get a photo of them. DD loves the little boy who will be theirs. All good here. It's lunchtime so I'm back at the hotel having my last lunch alone. DH emailed from the airport this morning to say they were checked in and flights were on time.
I'm counting down in hours now. I'm not really thinking about tomorrow too much, just looking forward to seeing ds and dh. Can't wait to hug my boy . I know it's going to be a very emotional day tomorrow but I'm trying not to think about it.
IMHOT - very exciting times Not long now before your boys are there
How did it go with the BattleAxe yesterday? Are you seeing DD this afternoon? Was Katya there yesterday?
Will they pass your contact details onto the little boys parents for you? In the future DD might want to meet up with him?!
Thinking of you today. Not sure what else to say but wanted you to know that so many people are wishing you well for tomorrow
Good luck tomorrow Hot - I cried when DS's favorite carer made an effort to come and find him on his last day (he' changed rooms in the last 2 weeks) - we both cried. But lovely to be able to say to him that someone actually cared enough to cry when he left.
Just caught up. Wishing you a very happy begining for tomorrow xx
Well I just said good bye to my little girl for the last time and tonight is her last sleep without us. And for once, I didn't cry!
Yesterday was great with Battleaxe. What can I say, I have charm! We're great pals now and for all that she intimidated the hell out of me, dd loves her and she held dd on her lap for a solid hour yesterday evening. I'd a lovely day today too and got to put her down for her nap which was lovely.
Great idea to get the details of the Russian family. Maybe the director would give me their address even if we don't cross paths tomorrow. DD and this little guy really love each other and he's a Mr Charmer. I'm sure in the future it will be important to her to make some sort of contact with him. I have lots of photos of the two of them together and I'd love to send them to his new family.
I read on your blog about them changing your ds's room just before he was leaving, Kew. That must have broken your heart although you said it was the start of bonding for the two of you as he relied on you for constancy so maybe that was a silver lining to that cloud?
I have very mixed feelings about tomorrow. I can't WAIT to see my ds, it feels like an eternity since I saw him. I hate that he and dh are travelling without me, it makes me anxious. But I think dd is going to be so scared leaving.
I'll post again in a couple of days and let you know how our happy beginning is going. Thanks for all the good wishes.
Oh IHNYN I have goosebumps for you. I hope you have a beautiful couple of days and I really look forward to reading your next update.
Good luck tomorrow IHNYN - what an amazing journey!
Good luck for tomorrow. I hope all goes as smooth as possible, for all of you.
Good luck. X
All fingers crossed that tomorrow is a great day
Good luck for tomorrow, we will all be thinking of you starting your new family life. Looking forward to your updates, and hope you are all back home together soon.
Sending all my good wishes for tomorrow. Thinking of you all and hoping that everything goes well.
Thinking of you today. Good luck and happy vibes. Xxxxx
I hope today goes well for you all, not long now until you are all together
Take lots more photos, get all the contact details you can for as many people as possible - get them to write their own names & details, the nuances maybe very important later on.
An emotional roller coaster of a day I'm sure!!
I never look in this section of mn. But I did today.
What a wonderful family for a precious little girl. Op wishing you a lifetime of love and cuddles. Which you will get, I'm sure.
Hope today goes wonderfully IHNYH
Quick update - we're at our posh hotel, dd is fast asleep in her cot, ds and I are waiting for a plate of chips to come to us cos we haven't eaten all day, dh is sitting watching his dd sleeping.
We left the baby home at around 2.30pm and dd had a little committee out to say paka-paka to her. There were tears from 2 of the carers and from the director which made me happy. That goes into her diary. Everyone who was working on her floor today came out to wave her off and all her little baby friends were carried by the various workers into the corridor to say goodbye. I was remarkable untearful, unusual for me. I was so happy she was being made a fuss of, that they thought it was as important a day as we think it is.
She was starry-eyed until we got into the van and then all hell broke loose and she sobbed her heart out for a good 20 mins until she gave in to sleep (it was her nap-time, the journey was planned for this time). She slept in my arms for about an hour (and then my tears came and when she woke, she was upset at first and then relaxed for the rest of the journey.
When we got to the city, we had to get passport pics done which meant going out into the cold and wind and she was not one bit happy. Once done, we got to our lovely hotel -SUCH a good idea to stay here- and she had her dinner and ate every bite. She was mostly happy but clung to me for dear life. She gave dh lots of smiles and reaches out to touch his face. Ds is finding it harder to raise a smile- he hasn't seen her since July. She had a little bath because I was washing her hands in the sink and she loved the water so we thought we'd chance it. O boy did she love it!!
She's discovered herself in the mirror and the moment when she realised it was her in the mirror was comical. That's been her favourite thing to do all evening, wave at herself.
After supper, she let dh hold her for about 2 mins (brilliant) and then I cuddled her for a while, lay her down in her cot (with her quilt and little teddy that have been in the baby home with her since Oct) and I lay on the bed beside the cot. She was asleep in about 5 minutes. The poor little scrap was exhausted.
These chips are taking ages to come- this was supposed to be a quick update but you're getting it all!!
Now I know this is probably the calm before the storm but it's been such a lovley day. We thought it would be far more dramatic and that she would be much more cranky. There's no doubt she's unsettled BUT she's turning to me for moral support which makes me feel 1.000.000 dollars. Thank god I stayed with her for those days because she's allowing me to comfort her.
Chips are here, more tomorrow
Congratulations to your fantastic family, I am over the moon for you all. I have big tears sploshing down my face at the thought of your DH watching his daughter sleep. Good luck getting the passport and your beautiful little girl home xxxxx
I've been watching this thread - I have no experience of adoption and have had no need to ever post in this section but this thread caught my attention. I cannot for one minute understand the pain, heartache , thrill ups and downs that you have gone through but what a fantastic ending - or rather beginning.
Look forward to reading more .
Enjoy the chips . x
I just trying imagine how you feel - magical.
So pleased for you all.
I only found this thread yesterday, but it's been wonderful to read it - especially tonight's update.
It's lifted my heart! Thank you.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Oh you've made me cry twice today! And the one before was at work! I've read through this whole thread today and am just so very happy for you and your family
I am sure your DS will be okay once he has his head round it a bit more.
I have been thinking of you today. So glad to hear you have had such a good day, and how emotional it must have been leaving the home. Looking forward to more updates and hope you all have a safe journey home.
What a wonderfull thread this is.
You sound a truly special family and I realy do wish you all the best. That is one very lucky little girl you have coming home with you.
Wishing you all the best for a happy future together.
Awwww - so happy for you OP.
Wow, I'm now crying in work. This is the BEST thread ever. I'm unbelievably happy for you and your family and I wish you a wonderful Christmas and a wonderful life with your ds and dd.
Crikey, can't stop the tears!
What a lovely thread! Congratulations! Hope you have a fantastic Christmas now you've finally got your DD home
What a fabulous Christmas gift!
I just read the thread while I'm feeding and I'm now weeping over my baby! So happy for you all!
Congratulations! Wishing you all a fantastic Christmas.
Imhot I'm hoping your home in Ireland now with your family. Nollaig Shona duit
I am sure that you are back in Ireland now , preparing for the visit of Santie to your two beautiful children ! What a heart warming thread for this time of year! Merry Xmas to you and your expanded family!
so pleased for you, hope the trip home has gone well too and your all back and waiting for an extra special christmas
What a lovely thread to find just before CHristmas
I hope you are back home and your DD is settling in with her family well, and that you are all looking forward to a peaceful time over Christmas getting to know each other Best wishes to your family of four for Christmas and 2012!
Congratulations on the arrival of your daughter, and best wishes to your family at this happy time
So, are you home yet?
I was at the airport yesterday, and there is a humungous christmas tree and all the extras. I would have come to welcome you myself, I'm so excited about this.
(and don't worry about ds, he'll adapt. dd was very excited about ds2 until she met him, at which point she decided she didn't want a little brother . They are the best of friends now, 13 years later!).
I guess you're at home by now - I really hope so.
I hope you have a truly magical Christmas. Just to echo what Maryz said: dd1 was very excited about getting a little sister in advance, was rather horrified by the reality, rallied and now says the adoption was "the best thing that ever happened to me".
Happy new beginnings to you and your lovely family.
Hope the journey home has gone to plan and you are settled at home getting to know each other.
Much (unMN'y) peace and love is wished to you all at this time
I'll write tomorrow cos I'm waaaay too tired to write a long post now. We got home at around 1am. The journey home was exhausting but without drama. DD is a little trooper and DS is just the best kid in the world.
My other worry (there's always a few on the go at any time) was how she'd react to the dog. Not a bother on her! She's probably never seen one before but she was not one bit afraid. She stayed in my arms for a few minutes when we got into the house first but then got down for a crawl around and encountered the mutt face to face and just sat back on her bum and stared at him and then put out her hand to touch him. He's not sure about this new thing but he'll grow to love her when he realises she'll be leaving a trail of food in her wake.
I'll post the whole thing tomorrow. She's just a brilliant little girl and has coped really well with the upheaval of this week.
But now to bed... <<<where's the big yawn emoticon? >>>
I just saw your thread in Active Convos and caught up on your whole story... culminating in your first night at home as a family of four [five including the dog]
Many, many congratulations and best wishes to you all for every future happiness.
How lovely that you are all home Your updates are brilliant - you have a great writing style. If I don't catch you tomorrow I hope you all have a wonder settling in period and a great Christmas together. Enjoy x
Congratulations to you all! Having a wee sob to myself about such a wonderful, wonderful story.
You're not alone there NunTheWiser. <sniffle>
I'm so glad that al you're all together for Christmas. I hope you have a wondrful time. Congratulations.
I have been following this thread and wanted to say how wonderful that you are all home together. Looking forward to your updates. Wishing all of you a very Happy Christmas together.
Me too Nun <sniff>
ImHot I love reading your updates. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas.
How wonderful that you are all home, what a great Christmas for you all!
Well from the highs to the lows...
DD woke every hour or so, screaming hysterically and taking no comfort from me at all. Eventually, I tried giving her a bath because she loves the water but she was still upset. Then we gave her some food and she savaged it. The poor little scrap was starved with the hunger, as my mother would put it. She ate loads, is still wobbling around with a Farleys rusk in her hand with the dog following at a safe ( diss ;dkmmncfdmíz,m8z9fdn.;;;; - I'm leaving this is as a record of dd's first contribution on Mumsnet!!!) behind her eating up the crumbs.
So I'm officially a stupid mother. I feel so shit that I didn't work out that she was hungry. I'm totally sleep deprived- I've had about 8 hours of sleep since Monday - and I've never been so tired.
(Part 2, 2 hours later) DD is a happy bunny again. The food revived her and she's running around the place again smiling and laughing. On the advice of my wise friend who's a year ahead of me with her son, I'm not in her face. She reminded me that we're probably exhausting her with the constant attention and chatter with her.
Will return later. Too hard to type while she's around
DS ate until he was sick for the first 3 months. It took a while for the food thing to settle down and he drank copious amounts of water. In fact until he was about 2 he always had a sippy cup of water within arms reach - he had previously only been able to eat and drink to a schedule.
You will learn what her cues are - why should you instantly know them? Particularly as you're probably not thinking very clearly at the moment!
Someone once told me that they should have adopted because you don;t get the seep issues and the feeding issues!
Welcome home and merry Christmas.
Aww, that sounds lovely. I'm so happy for your whole family.
Great that your DD is already contributing to MN too, it's good to start them early.
Congratulations - and don't worry about the "shit mother" bit - you'll have lots of shit mother moments in the next 18 years or so .
I read somewhere that it takes as long for a child to settle within a family as they have lived outside it (iykwim), so you are looking at 18 months to get to know each other, to get to the stage that you would have been at zero if she was born to you.
There will be ups and downs, there will be times when you find it hard to cope, so you need to recognise that it is perfectly normal. Moving from one child to two is a huge step in any family, simply because while it is easy to adjust family life to the wants, needs and routine of one child, it is much harder to balance the needs of two. I remember when dd was little, feeling very guilty every time I got cross with ds1 when he woke her, or needled her, or wanted something when I was with her. It took a while before it settled down (and of course when ds2 arrived it was just chaos for about two years ).
Take your time, keep your expectations realistic, do things for you (as in you and your dh and children) rather than fitting in to what others want you to do. Grandparents, relatives and friends will be itching to spend time with her (especially with it being Christmas), but you go at a pace that suits you - they will (eventually) understand.
And finally - I don't know if you have kept a written record of the whole journey, but if you haven't I think you should consider printing out your posts from this thread - they are a great record of the last six months .
Wishing you a wonderful Christmas and all the best for 2012 and beyond.
Congratulations on your new DD and thank you for sharing your beautiful story with us. Merry Christmas x
Hope you all have a lovely day tomorrow xx
I've just read this whole thread as it popped up in active convos. What a journey you have been on! So pleased your dd is home for Christmas. Wishing you a merry Christmas and a very happy new year! Peace be with you.
Delighted you are all home for Christmas. Hope you enjoy each other's company, settle into happy new habits and have a wonderful 2012 getting to know each other.
As for bad mother moments - you'll know from your DS it's all about being good enough, perfection is a very unhealthy goal for humans!
I recall spending a couple of hours trying to work out why my DS was so upset one evening, comforted him to no avail, gave calpol etc. He finally fell asleep after a lot of tears and distress. It occurred to me about an hour after he passed out that he hadn't had his big drink of warm milk; the drink I gave him every night before teeth brushing and bed. For the previous 16 months. D'oh.
Oh, Merry Christmas IHNYH. What a beautiful, beautiful story. I wish you all the best
Ah, finally managed to sit down and catch up with this. So glad you are all home.
Shit mother my arse, I still don't work out DS correctly half the time and he's 4 he's still a happy soul............most of the time
Have a lovely Happy Christmas all of you
Woncerful news, glad you are all home safe
Your friends is right, you must be careful not to over stimulate her. You cant treat her as a " normal" 14 month old, she is post institutional . She needs lots of time and routine to cope with all the changes. Nice quiet days at home, no visitors if possibel, no trips out. No tv etc ( assuming she hasnt had it beofre).remember ordinary thijgs like a car journey or trip to the shops will be completely overwhelming for her. The garden and playimg with her db with A FEW toys will be quite enough for her
I was hooked with the Xmas/new year well to be truthful a little later than newyear!! miracle that was Little Kew.
I was equally hooked with the Xmas miracle that is Baby IHNYH!
5 years gap between adoptions but both are equally thrilling, a new little one in the family, is always wonderful.
Congratulations to you all, and to all of your family, I wish you a fantastic new year and a wonderful new life. x
Ok, we're officially in our honeymoon period. I love her and she loves me. She woke this morning at 6.50. Her cot is right beside me. She just sat up, looked across at me and beamed. How could I ever have worried that I wouldn't love this child? It's a slower burning love than the instant love I had when ds was born but by god, I love her already. We're starting to get to know each other.
So in the one week that she has been our daughter, she has learned to recognise herself in the mirror. She gives kisses. She was never used to eating food by hand because she's always been spoon fed. After watching us at a couple of meals, she figured out that she could put food in her mouth herself and now loves nothing better than a Liga or Farley's rusk in her hand. Whatever we're eating, she has to have a little try and makes herself very loudly heard if she doesn't get it! She ate a great Christmas dinner yesterday. She loves "this litle piggy went to market..." and squeals before I even get to her last toe. Apart from the first night at home when she was really distressed, she allows me to cuddle her back to sleep when she wakes in the night.
She's hasn't been as clingy to me the last couple of days. She'll move out of my arms to play on the floor and will toddle and crawl away from me but I can't move away from her, she cries and comes after me and puts the hands up to be picked up. Still, it's great that she's confident enough to move away from me. She loves to be held (by me). She absolutely LOVES her big brother and he is officially the nicest child in the world. He is just lovely with her. I knew he would be but I didn't realise how much he would really enjoy her. He keeps saying this is the best Christmas ever because he got his sister and a laptop, I'm not sure which is more important and I'm not asking.
Dh is not as popular with her and although he was expecting it, he's finding it hard to be pushed away all the time. She'll smile and laugh and play with him but all from the safety of my lap and if he tries to hold her, she immediately puts the arms out for me which he knows is great but he's feeling left out.
I know it won't always be as easy as it is right now but I'm just enjoying the loveliness of her. I'd forgotten how completely and utterly gorgeous it is to have a baby fall asleep in my arms (which is how she falls asleep always, I haven't tried putting her in her cot awake yet apartfrom the first night when she was probably in shock and just went to sleep)
PS Maryz, great idea to print off my posts here. I think I'll print off the whole thread. I think she'd really enjoy reading all the lovely messages here when she's all grown up.
Hot - did you cover how children bond in your prep course? Just in case you didn't your DH might be reassured to know that the way it works normally is bond with primary carer first then through primary carer (ie by trusting primary carers judgement) with secondary carer and so on into the wider family.
I know it doesn't help with the emotional side but at least he can be reassured that playing with her with you is exactly the right thing to form a bond with her.
Glad to hear its all going well.
Poor DH - I can only imagine how hard this is for him. No matter how much you know it's OK & the way it's going to be etc - it still hurts. You just want them to love you & trust you ... as much as you love them. Still, he can be reassured he will get his turn when only Daddy will do
Your DS does sound totally lovely... I'm pleased it's all going well. (You are wise not to ask questions you might not like the answer to!)
It sounds like DD is settling in really well & you are doing a great job (we all forget to feed them occasionally ).
When are DH & DS back at work/school?
It's great things are going so well, I'm really happy for you .
Kew is right about the bonding - hard as it will be for your dh to accept, it is a really good thing that she is being careful who she goes to. One of the biggest difficulties for children who are adopted is attachment, and it is great that she is slowly making secure attachments with one person at a time. It would be much more of a worry if she was indiscriminatingly going to anyone at all.
All the hard work you put in over the two weeks in the children's home is standing to you all now. Give her a couple of weeks and she will have widened her trust to include your dh.
Yy to bonding wity mum first
Also she probably didnt have any male carers in the dietsky dom
dietsky dom .
Have you been at the .
Oh YHNYN, I've managed to hold it together for the whole thread but your last post brought tears streaming down my face. What a beautiful image I have in my mind now of your daughter beaming at you when you awoke this morning And she is so lucky to have you all as her new family, and a big brother who will always be there for her.
Will continue to follow the thread, I wish you luck and happiness in your new future as a family of four. Magical.
What wonderful updates. I'm so pleased for you all, and your DH must find it tough but at least he'll know it's 'normal' for what your DD's going through. Your DS sounds fab, and I'm sure I know which of his Christmas presents he prefers
The stages of bonding is so true.
When my eldest dd came home aged 2.6 , she would not let DH do anything for her at all, it was all " Mummy do it. ". He could not even pass her a drink, he had to give it to me to give to her, slowly over time with lots of patience, she began to trust him more and more, now, they are all daddy's girls.
So pleased you are all home and all is going well.
Definitely print of this thread as a keepsake. Or, if you are too busy I will happily do it for you and send it on.
sorry mary, yes i have had one wee glass. I needed it to get through the wedding plans talk without ROFL
Dietsky dom is childrens home
Hows it going, im hot?
Please get a new name,i cant go on callimg you that........
Awww . Daddy will get his turn ... usually when you've been up all night with them and then Daddy gets back from work and is the most exciting person in the world! So pleased your DS is so happy with her too.
Your wish is my command, Kristingle! I was fed up logging in with that name anyway, it came from a discussion about Real Housewives of New York
All is going supremely well. She is just the most contented little thing ever. The only time she ever gets upset is when she's really tired and I'm trying to get her to lie down for her nap, and even then the protest usually lasts only a minute before the eyes close.
So today's developments...1. She crawled down the hall into the front room where ds was glued to his laptop. That's the farthest she's gone away from me. 2. She put her hands up for dh (who had been feeding her pieces of pineapple) several times and stayed in his arms for a minute or two before coming back to me. 3.She shakes her head when you say 'no no' to her and nods when you say 'yes yes' and loves when everyone claps and tells her what a clever girl she is. 4. She's going for little rides around the kitchen in her buggy in preparation for future ventures out in the big wide world because I don't think she's ever been in a pram before and I don't want it to scare her. 5. She ate a bit of a crunchie bar accidentally- I gave her the bar to bang on the coffee table, a favourite pastime of hers, and she was chewing away at the wrapper and bit right through it. It was a hit! 6. She babbled 'yayayaya' out loud - I'm still a little concerned about the fact that she doesn't babble, she just makes noises. Other babies in her room were babbling away. When things are settled I'll have her hearing checked to eliminate that.. I'd welcome any thoughts. 7. My mam and sister visited and she touched hands with both of them from the safety of my lap. 8. She thinks her big brother is a god and shouts for him when he leaves the room. He loves that she loves him 8. We're settling into a little routine. I'm learning her signals for tiredness etc which is great. I know now that I was letting her get overtired the first couple of days
One other little concern is that I can't get her to drink formula at all. When we were in Russia, I bought kefir but she had no interest in it. When she was in the baby home, she wouldn't drink it there either. The only thing I saw her drink was the compote. I'd really like her to take formula because she's small for her age and slight and I'd like to build her up. She'll take a little sip and then cast it aside. She's drinking water now from a bottle with a little bit of apple juice to flavour it a bit (having started on very diluted Ribena when I was despairing of her drinking anything at all). Any suggestions?
It's all just magic, it really is. She's really taken to us. I know she's still very unsettled because she needs to be in my arms always anywhere other than the kitchen, which is where we spend most of the day. But for a little child who 8 days ago was taken away from everything she knew, she's coping with the trauma really well, at least outwardly. I woke this morning (much much too early, 5.30 am) to a tap tap tap on my cheek and a little girl beaming good morning at me. Life just doesn't get any better.
a lurker just posting to say i have been following your story and i am THRILLED for you! the best xmas present ever, it sounds like you are all doing really well!
i have no idea re the formula, you could try flavouring it with milkshake powder but that is NOT recomended i am sure! or some of the toddler formulas are sweeter and so she might like them?
4madboys, I never thought I'd be putting Ribena in a baby's bottle either but your ideals go out the window when you're desperate. I'll admit now <<<red faced emoticon>>> that yesterday I was making hot chocolate for ds and I made one for her using formula and a small amount of chocolate but she didn't like it. Just as well really
Another one who has just read the whole thread and ended up with 'something in my eye'. What a lovely lovely story.
I don't know anyone who has adopted before and it's been a real eye opener for me. There is something very special about adopting, I mean I know having a biological child is also special but didn't fully realise the special-ness of adopting a child before reading this thread.
It's just so heart warming to know that this little girl has been given such a lovely home with such a lovely family. She sounds absolutely adorable Happy. She has come so far in such little time. I'm so excited for her, she is going to have such a great time with you.
Did you check whether she was being given sweetened kefir? I know some places give it to them sweetened. Try sweeteneing the formula then reducing it slowly - compote is VERY sweet (did you try any?)
No I didn't try the compote, Kew, I just stuck my nose in the cup. The doctor did tell me she had no allergy to sugar, which I thought was an odd thing to tell me considering the babies didn't get anything sweet apart from apple sauce from jars. There was kefir on offer to her after her evening meal but she never wanted it so I feel she just didn't like it. I'll try sweetening the formula in the hope that it might appeal to her. I presume I just use sugar?
rusian doctors are (IME) obsessed by the idea that children are allergic to sugar! They made a big deal about not giving the childrne sugary things (eg baby riusks) then sweetened lots of things like the compote with heaps of sugar! Yes I'd try it with sugar, otherwise try a lactose-free formula on the offchance her lack of "fancying" kefir is lactose related. Is she OK with ordinary yoghurt? IF so I'd dose her up with that.
Love the name change, very Irish .
Do we call you "pig" or "shite" for short?
I used to use formula to make up food for ds just to keep his iron up, because he gave up bottles early. So I used formula to add to cereal etc. He refused to drink any formula from a cup, so was on cow's milk earlier than is usually suggested. He was younger than your dd though, and I could use formula with baby food (not that he ate much of that either - he refused to take anything off a spoon from a year, so it was finger food only, with the cow's milk). I added it to, for example, eggy bread, scrambled egg, readybrek, mashed potato and anything I could think of really.
My health visitor nearly had kittens.
Try some milkshake flavouring in with the formula - yeah, it's not ideal - but hey ho, if it means she gets the goodness of the formula it's a small price to pay - you can reduce it and drop it later when she's more used to the underlying taste of formula.
Have you tried any of the childrens' vitamins?
Also she seems to be eating well and taking quite well to
chocolate new things, so I wouldn't stress too much.
She sounds really lovely and it's great to hear that things are going well with everyone!
Hi happy, great new name
You are doing really well with her. Spending most of your time in one room realy good plan, as they are not used to more thna a couple of rooms. Ditto buggy acclimitisation. Will she let you do up the straps? This can be a bit of a problem with cars seats too.
Agree lack of milk/formula a problem.botttle for bodning amd formula for calories. Though formula IS disgusting, if she s never taken it beofre it woudl be hard to start now. Have you tasted it?? Yuck!!! Good plan to try it sweetened and gradually reduce. If you can reduce the ribena gradually that will help. Or at least give it in a sippy cup
. But ultimately bodning more importnat than teeth and she seems to be doing great. The velcro baby thing is excellent-, although i knwo its a bit tiring occasionally. Remember no one but you ( or dh if she will let him) to do ANY caring -food, bottles, cuddles, nappies, baths, bedtime, tooth brushing etc
And crawling very good. Do NOT allow anyoen to " encourage" her to walk, let her crawl as long as she wants to
you can use fructose to sweeten if you want. i was remembering when my boys when through phases of being a bit fussy with food/milk etc. and i use to make smoothies with formula, if she likes fruit then use her fave fruits to make a smoothie? and also maybe let her try drinking it through a straw? just a thought anyway
hope you are having a lovely day
Oh I forgot DS didn't really babble either. Made noises but not much babbling - my mum made it her mission in life until he could say - MUMUMUMUM! But that was about it.
He was a very late talker and on the verge of SALT at 3, he was nigh on impossible to understand to anyone except me and even I struggled to understand. He still has some minor speech problems (very minor) and he talks up a storm so I wouldn;t worry about it just yet - I was recommended to consider a referral at 2.5yrs but talking to a friend who is a SALT she said that the "normal" range is so wide at that age that it would be very difficult to assess unless he had an identifiable problem and with the language change complicating things it isn;t surprising if speech is delayed. She gave me some very simple exercises which works a treat (let me know in a year if you need them!).
Hearing test may be a good idea but I'd leave it a bit until she's more settled. Our Paediatrician said if he could hear the floor board creaking outside his bedroom at night then there wasn't anything wrong with his hearing (there isn;t)
try avocado to build her up - DS was minute and he virtually lived on it and it worked a treat. If she doesn't like it raw, blend it with an orange to make an orange mousse - I know it sounds disgusting but its delicious and you can;t taste the avocado just creamy orange.
Ooh, you're all just brilliant, so you are.
This morning I gave her formula with 2, yes 2, spoons of sugar and she drank 6oz of it so happy days.
She's in DH's arms right now playing away with him. She put the arms out for him again this morning so she's starting to accept him. My cleaner came this morning to give me a present for her and dd was brilliant- she was having non of her. She stayed in my arms and when the lady tried to touch her, she pulled away and clung to me. Clever girl!
Re velcro baby, did the hoovering this morning with her in a sling!!
yes clever girl, she knows who she is happy with and she will get to know other people when SHE is ready to!
yay for the sling, i still do that with my 12mth old dd and she is a right lump!
glad she had the formula, a bit of sugar will be fine, its extra calories!!
glad she is coming round to dh, were there many men in the home she was in? only it may be strange for her to have a male figure constant in her life? which could also be why she is taking longer to get used to him? when my cousin was tiny she was terrified with men with beards, this included her uncle and grandad! in the end they shaved them off!
That's good about the milk Sugar is probably better than flavouring as it wont change the flavour so much, so reducing it shouldn't be so noticeable. 8-10 spoons of sugar a day isn't going to be great for her, but hey ho, needs must and hopefully very soon you can cut it down.
It's great that she seems to be accepting DH quite readily too now, it's only been just over a week, no time at all really, but I expect it seems like ages for you all
Yy to advocado, only weaning food with more calories than bm or formula
Yy also to hearing test. Hearing problems v common in babies who have had bottles propped ( common in institutions). Dont know about ireland, but in Uk hearimg tests for babies and toddlers are very stress free, if you go to a speciList centre
DD also v delayed speech. Silent at 8 months. Only one sound, da, at 13monthz when she came home. By 18 months had sveral clear words and by second birthday was a very clear talker. Id reccomend the book Baby Talk by dr sally ward. Its not for adopted kids, just those at risk of speech and language delay. If you Pm an address, Ill send you it. Use soemone elses address if youd rather remain anonymous
You wont get anyone to assess her speech for a long time. They have no equiva,ent population to compare her to. They might try to use ESL data but its useless -she is not learning english as a second language, she is learning as a second first languaueg. ( im assuming that your first lanagueg is english and that no one in the family is a native rusian speaker).
Although she doesnt yet talk im assuming that she has an age appropriate understanding of russian. Did she seem to understadn the caretakers ok? If so, there is no reason to suspect a language processing disorder or hearing problem yet. So try not to worry just yet
Ahh, I haven't checked this thread for a couple of days...how wonderful and a late congratulations from me
Kristingle, I'll message you now. I'd really appreciate the loan of the book.
Re hearing etc... She did seem to understand the carers when they spoke and if anyone came into the room to talk to the carers, she'd stop what she was doing to listen so I presume she understood. My cleaner spoke in Russian to her today and she certainly listened intently. I don't think there's a hearing problem but I'd like to eliminate it. When I start to say 'round and round the garden' she immediately gives me her hand so she already understands that those words with those sounds go with the hand rhyme, and she smiles immediately when I say 'this little piggy...' and sticks her foot out so I don't feel there's an understanding problem.
Kew, what did your mum do to make your ds say mum? When she does any voclisation, I imitate her as I used to do with ds when he was a much younger baby. When we look in the mirror, her favourite thing to do, I pat her and say her name and then pat myself and say 'Mama' loads of times. Is there anything else I could be doing? I know I'm probably worrying far too early but if there is any problem, I'd rather get working on it asap.
DH has set up a photo drop box, I think that's what it's called, and has loaded photos of her so if anyone would like to see my gorgeous girl (and boy!!) send me a pm and I'll send you the link to it.
Ooh yes please if you don't mind - tried to click on your name to see if you had any pics as have been reading your thread for weeks now. Love your new name btw, makes me smile every time
You have mail
Oh, she is just gorgeous (and a flyer!). And your son is so lovely with her.
I wish I had babies again [fgreen] - well maybe not, I like my sleep, but I remember mine when they were that little [sigh].
I was home for Christmas and I told my dad all about you, particularly how your DH was stuck staring at his DD sleeping and I swear he had a little tear. Big soft spot for adopted little girls there understandably . I have been watching you over the holidays on my phone as my parents don't have a computer so glad you have all had a lovely time.
Ooh yes yes yes - am about to pm you!
She really is, isn't she? She's the kind of baby that just makes you want to pick her up and squeeze her all over! Both your children are completely beautiful, and so lovely together
aw happy tried twice to send me a photo but it didn't work, I'll just try and imagine her little face this is such a lovely thread.
You're missing out, everlong; she's the kind of baby who makes your ovaries sing
Sorry, slightly inappropriate thing to say in the context but I hope that as a fellow adoptive mother I'll be forgiven
I know what you mean hester.
Even I felt a bit broody, and I'm long past wanting any more babies.
Oh I bet. I never had any little girls, 5 boys for me. I do have a soft spot for little girls
at Kristingle. I was thinking the other day how very unfluffy the adoption threaders are - which makes their warmth and friendship all the more valued. Very different from my time on the conception threads, where they were lovely but it was all a bit more, um, is girly an acceptable word to use?
We've lived life, haven't we ladies? Kristingle of course has managed to pack about five lives into her one
Yes, and we say it as it is, warts and all, etc.
We're good sorts really [channels Malory Towers].
Speak for yourslef hester ( adopts affronted look)
Are you saying ive been around the block a bit??
Well, if the cap fits............
All I'm saying is [coughs delicately] if I was in a bar ruck I rather think that Kristingle, Maryz and Kew would the ladies you'd want holding your coat...
thanks hester for giving everyone the impression that I'm built like a prop forward and snarl
And anyway (haven't seen photos yet) my ovaries have never been known to sing. They bleated a half hearted croak occasionally then gave up the ghost and moved onto more cerebral pastimes than singing (like piles of endless bureaucracy)
I luffs you allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
<disclaimer: I may have had >
though now I come to think of it, I went to a very rough school and got followed home (with a friend) by a couple of young scrotes throwing cans at us. I lost my temper (a rare event I hasten to add) and picked one of said scrotes up by the hair, picked up off his feet! Then reported him to the deputy head the next day.
My friend was hyperventilating about us getting targeted but I was still so mad I didn't care. Thy never came near me again - though in retrospect I was probably lucky!
I can't see the video clip but the photo is very sweet and I'm hanging out for more!
Hey maryz and kew, d'you hear that? The big hairy lesbian thinks we are tough < puffs out chest, cracks knuckles>
Hmmm... Havent beaten up any social workers this week....
Oops sorry, just relaised this is happys serious thread about her new DD and not the " just ranting " one. Apolgies, happy, please come back and update us??
I have a couple of local social workers you could start on kristingle...kind of a New Year's bonus??!
Sorry for derailing Happy!
I'm enjoying the derailing, nothing like a good slagging fest. For the record, the only time my ovaries ever sang was when they were thoroughly drugged and even then they were decidedly off-tune but I loved your comment, Hester. She is so incredibly cute, why wouldn't she put the longing on you???
All great here, I can't remember what we used to do before she came. We've had 3 sets of unexpected visitors between yesterday and today and she was great. She sat on my lap and stared, gave the odd smile but if anyone tried to touch her, she did her 'jazz hands' ie pulled her hands back and held them up in an 'I surrender' pose (my kids in school called it jazz hands when I showed them a video of her).
Kew, two people have very kindly given her presents of a top that says the word 'lucky' and I thought of you! Already, so many people have said how lucky she is and we say, 'no, we're the lucky ones'. So I think I'll return those tops or else use my trusty sewing machine to appliqué the words 'my parents are...' above the word lucky!
I love the idea of being the big hairy lesbian of the adoption board. I'm well butch, me
Awwww, just seen the pictures. She is scrumptious!
Such a beautiful little girl. I love reading the updates too
If hester's the big hairy lesbian then what do I get to be? The little hairless lesbian doesn't really have any ring to it sadly The loner lesbian? Actually I could think up several good ones but none of you would ever see me the same way again so maybe not
All is great here, dd is settling like a dream. She's into everything and goes all day like the duracell rabbit.
Can I ask you seasoned adopters for some advice? I am dd's favourite person in the world now. We're best buddies and she's my velcro kid. She loves her brother and wants to dance with him and watch him play but she doesn't like him to lift her. Dh has been accepted into the circle of trust also. He can bath her now, feed her etc. My aunt is in hospital and I've had to leave dd with dh and she's been fine. As soon as I come in the door, however, she gets down off his lap and comes running for me, crying, as if he's been beating her with a stick! She goes voluntarily to him and is happy to wander around the house in his arms but sometimes when she sees me, she just wants to go to me.
BUT. There are times eg when she's tired, when she won't stay in dh's arms and insists on going to me. Last night, I was eating a bowl of pasta on the couch. DD was sitting on dh's lap beside me and cried to come to me. Dh wanted me to leave her with him, saying she'd be fine in a minute. I can't listen to her cry and took her to dh's annoyance. He thinks I'm teaching her not to trust him. Today, he was changing her nappy and they were having a lovely time until she saw mw and howled to come to me. I took her and dh is really annoyed.
Which is right? It feels wrong to me to let her cry and get distressed when she wants to come to me. He thinks that if I was to leave her with him, she would be fine in a minute when he'd distract her with eg looking in the mirror. He thinks I'm giving her the wrong message ie I'm the only one who is able to provide comfort. I think she's only been ours for three weeks and it's such early days that she shouldn't have to cry about anything that's preventable. We're not at loggerheads about this, we both just want to do the right thing for her.
My strong instinct is that you are right, not your dh. Your absolute first job is to make your dd feel safe, and when she is feeling tired/vulnerable/missing you, it is YOU who is providing her emotional anchor, not your dh (yet).
Later, when she is more settled, you can perhaps push her a little out of her comfort zone, but NOT three weeks in. After all, this little girl is used to having to accept a range of carers, not all of her choosing. What she is NOT used to is having one reliable attachment figure who is absolutely hers and always there for her.
We went through very similar with my dd, who came to us at 10 months and is now 2. She would not let me put her down for months, and though she loved and accepted my dp and our dd1, I was and remain her central attachment figure. After six months I went back to work (PT) and dp is now her main carer, and usually the one who puts her down at night. But if she needs me, we try to ensure she gets me. It is sometimes hurtful for dp, but as she says, "My emotional needs are not as important as hers".
Don't push your dd too soon. It is very early days, and she has a long road to travel.
I too think that pushing her will be counterproductive.
If she knows she can run back to you, she will be happy to go to him. If it occurs to her for one second that going to him means NOT being able to run back to you, well, that could be the start of all sorts of trouble.
Remember she hasn't even known him for as long as you knew her in the baby home before you took her home.
Give her time.
For what it's worth dd used to be a real daddy's girl - she would run screaming from me to him every time he stuck his nose around the door. It soon wore off (but didn't stop me feeling unloved at the time).
You have to remember, also, that you are the only connection she has with her earlier life. Absolutely every single thing else has gone - the people, the place, the food, the language. You are the only constant. Your dh wasn't there (or at least not as far as she remembers).
Give her time. It sounds as though everything else is great, so I would be inclined not to rock the boat.
I'm pleased to hear that your DD (still makes me GRIN) is settling in soooo well
It's totally normal for any toddler not to enjoy being lifted/carried by an older sibling, so I wouldn't worry about that.
As for DH, you, DD - I can see both POV <helpful emoticon> and I can see why it upsets DH. Most toddlers go through this at some stage anyway, let alone with her background. It usually hurts the 'less favourite' parent, but in time they'll usually get their turn!!
Firstly and most importantly, you are not teaching her not to trust him, not at all.
DD will be fine if you leave her with him and move out of her field of vision.
DD will be happier if you take her when she wants you to.
DH will be happier if you leave her and upset if you take her.
You will be upset if you leave her.
No one will die or suffer unduly either way - but for now I think you should do what makes her feel happiest and that, for now, is you.
However I think this is something you need to work on (because the temptation otherwise is to stay being her 'favourite', which is nice for you, but not the best for her!). Allow DH to do the things that she really loves, as many of them as you can, allow DH to give her the food, bottles she needs when he can and to give her whatever 'treats' she's allowed - just be really proactive in getting her to see DH as your equal. Does that make sense?
This is really really common. I agree with Mary - leaving her with DH would be countrproductive because she wouldn't trust you to come back again yet. Being with her might allow her to do things with DH whilst still trusting you'll be there. In time she should start to unstick from you. I would say it's very hard for a child to try and attach to two people at the same time, when they're in this situation. It's quite overwhelming and she may only be able to bond one at a time.
Yy i agree 100% with lilka, mary etc. Its about a year ( at least) too early to start pushing her. You need tominimise the times tnat you leave her with Dh. Woudl it be possible for her to go to the hospital with you to see your aunt? Unless she is in intensive care thats usually ok?
You are alreday pushing her quite fast by having 3people. I think you need to go much slower. You dont want her to think this is another childrens home. She has been through so much loss and trauma. Its like soemone abducting you and taking you to Mars to live with a nice family there.She has lost everything and everyone she has ever known . I thik her distress is telling you that its too soon for you to leave her
Thanks everyone, I'm going to show dh these replies so he doesn't think I'm making it up.
Kristina, my aunt was very sick at the weekend, we thought it was the end for her. She's 85 and has been going downhill for a few months. She's improved now and I think she'll pull through so now I just go into the hospital in the evening when dd is asleep.
It's funny, when ds first came to us he attached to dh and I spent a lot of time trying to encourage him to come to me, which I now think was a mistake. He then attached to me, and wouldn't go to dh at all.
When dd came, she attached to me first, but then about 9 months later turned into a daddy's girl for about three years (probably because I was pregnant, sick and not so nice to her ).
I felt really horrible, guilty and miserable because she didn't like me, and then one day dh reminded me how smug I was when I was ds's favourite parent (at least he said I was smug, of course I wasn't really ).
I think all children do this (favour one parent over another at times), we just notice it more when our children are adopted because we are more aware ourselves iyswim.
Yy mary, bio kids do this too. But its differentbwhen a toddler is securely attached to both parenst and goes through a phase of preferring another.
What this toddler is doing is part of the normal process of attachment. -a baby has 9 months inside the mum to get used to her voice, sounds etc, then months of bf to bond with her. Our adopted kids lose their birth mother, then ( usually) their first carers and then have to bond with us. Without the benefits of bf. Plus people soemhow expect more, nit less, of them. They are expected to move through the development process much quicker than bio kids who have had every advantage in life since the moment they were conceived
So when you add in issues such as pre natal alcohol and drug misuse, high stress levels during pregancy, poor or non existant ante natal care, family history of learning difficuoties or menatl helath probelms, moves in care etc
Its a wonder that so many of our kids do so well
forgeot to say, glad your aunt is improving. I know its really hard to balance the priorities and im sorry your dh is hurt. But he is a grown man and will just have to deal with it. You are NOT equals in bonding terms, babies attach to their mothers and prime caretakers first. And you are both of these
It all makes sense to me, it made no sense to me to make her needlessly upset.
When ds was born 11 years ago, my mother had had a heart attack 3 weeks before and had a bypass and was very sick. It was a very stressful time and when ds was born, he was like a teddy bear to me. I carried him 24/7 (didn't breast feed though). He didn't bond with dh for quite a long time, until he was maybe 7/8 months and it made dh feel so left out. In hindsight, I can see that I contributed to the problem by not allowing ds to get upset about anything if I could help it (cue 3 years on and my very frustrated neighbour told me 'You cannot take the thorn out of every rose for that child' - she's French, great phrase!) and I just needed reassurance that I wasn't doing the same thing now.
On a happy note, a neighbour called in yesterday with a present for her and I was talking to my neighbour with dd in my arms. She was babbling away as I chatted and then said, clear as day, 'Mamama' and pulled my face around to look at her. What a lovely moment!
Your first mama-how wonderful! And combined with " stop talking to that woman and pay attention to MMMEEE"
FWIW it doesnt sound like you did anything wrong with your ds either. You conceived him, carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him and then cared for him full time for ? Months? Years? Of course he bonded to you first. Im sorry, but your dh needs to get over himself a bit, with all this feeling left out. If he wants the kids to bond to hin first he needs to give up his job and be the main carer. He cant have it both ways. And you need to stop feeling guilty about it.
DS was a velcro baby - I had to leave him with my mum for an hour here or there to get paperwork sorted whilst we were still in Kaz but apart from that I don't think I left him with anyone for about 4 months after coming home.
The only constant in your DD's life so far is that everyone leaves her.
Sometimes they leave and come back few days later (if the shift patterns at your DD were similar to ours) , sometimes they leave and don't come back. But everyone leaves. I suspect that every time you leave she (subconsciously) is bracing herself for you not coming back. She is bonded to you now but not securely. I would do everything I could to make her trust be repaid by as much attention as she can handle.
I agree with Kristina - you are both expecting way too much if you think within a scant few months she will be secure enough to treat you and DH the same.
I have just sat and read this entire thread,
And now I am in tears,What an utterly heart warming tale.
My best wishes to you all.
<sobs off to bed>
Thanks, Frigg. Everything is great here. DD is still Mammy's best friend but she'll happily play with dh and ds too, especially if they have food! She loves to go out the front for a little walk and if you say to her "Will we go and see the flowers?", she goes to the front door. She understands so much, it's amazing.
Most recent update: dd gave kisses to Nana and Gaga today. She's just discovered in the last few days that giving kisses to us gets a BIG reaction so she tried it out on her grandparents today and was so delighted with the reaction that she did it again. So cute. Ds is not so enthusiastic about the kisses, they're a bit wet for him
It was her second time in my parents' house and she was brilliant. She played happily with Gaga on the floor but had to be sitting on my lap doing it. Then she wandered into the kitchen and the "good room" and wandered back into the sitting room again. But when I went very briefly into the kitchen to put something in the bin, she had a big wobbly. What a clever girl!
Oh Happy, she's doing really well isn't she
Have you taken her to play with any other children yet?
She sounds so very lovely
How is your son doing?
Two of my "adoption" friends came to visit with their little boys (both 2) and she followed them around like their shadows. It made me realise how much she must miss the company of her baby home friends. Is it too soon for us to go to a mother and toddler group?
Ds is great. I had a very sleepless night one day last week and I was like an anti-christ. Poor ds got a right bollocking from me about the state of his room - admittedly it WAS in an awful state but I generally don't get too fussed about stuff like that. Ds was really upset, crying , and when I calmed down I felt awful and apologised. We had a little cuddle on the couch and I explained that I'm finding it hard to get used to disturbed sleep again etc and that's the hardest part of the change in our lives for me. I asked him what he finds hard and he said "I feel like noone listens to me any more. I try to tell you something and halfway through dd does something and you turn to her." He's totally in love with her but it's a big adjustment for him to go from 100% attention to having to share with dd.
Kristina, if you're reading, the book is fantastic and very user-friendly. We're now one month home with her and while she's still just saying mama, dada, nana, baba, she understands loads.
"Will we go and get your bopsy?" -she points to the bedroom door.
"Where's the animals?"- points to the mobile over her cot.
"Give dolly her bopsy"-
"Will we go and see the flowers?"- goes to the front door
"Do a jiggle and a wiggle"- she wiggles her little bum
"Will we dance?" - she rocks from side to side
She'll give you her toes and her hands for kisses when she's having her nappy changed.
My public health nurse is sending me and her to a monthly group for speech and language development this Friday so I'm looking forward to that. And she's told me to come along to the baby clinic next month to have her weight, height and head circumference recorded so I'm glad about that.
She's just bringing joy to so many people. My parents have a new lease of life. When I went to visit them yesterday, my mam wanted to bring her out the front for a walk to show her off to all her neighbours. We've received presents from people I barely know.
Of course im readimg, Happy!
Everythijg sounds really positive. Her comprehension sounds really good, you must be reaasured. Lots of children her age arent speakimg much yet, let alone those who are post imstitutionalised AND have changed language.
Glad the book is useful, its v practical
You asked abiut mothervand toddler group. I woudlnt yet. One thing to have two visiting children in her own home. Another to have a dozen in a noisy church hall. Might be too like the baby home. She has alreday met a lot of new people, with grannies , visitors, neighbours etc
Its lovely to get so many gifts isnt it? i suspect people arejust sonpleased that he has found her forever family and you have found your DD.
It must be hard on your ds. In soem ways he is still just a wee boy and needs his mum. I have a 11yo DD who has never been an only child, she is very close to both her little brothers. And still she says that sometimes she wishes we didnt have the boys or dad and it was just the two of us. So it must be a lt harder for your ds. Impossible to compete with the cuteness of a baby sister
I'm so glad things are going well.
I remember the gift business as well - when ds1 (finally) arrived we got gifts and cards from friends of friends of friends.
Adoption was almost unheard of here at the time (no domestic and foreign adoption was only starting). All sorts of people appeared out of no-where and flung presents at us.
It is a bit tough on your son, simply because you are very much tied to her atm. And he is at that almost child/almost man stage where he needs lots of attention and hugs, but sort of doesn't want them a bit, if that makes sense.
It is important to try to spend some one-on-one time with him (maybe when she is asleep).
But it sounds as though you are all doing really well.
It's amazing how much they understand isn't it I think it's really important to talk to them about stuff, because whilst they might not understand, they might and will much more quickly if they are talked to all the time
Most older DC feel just the same as your DS - two I am close to are 9 & 16 months and while the older one dotes on the smaller one - she also wishes he'd go back where he came from sometimes too <as he's 3 times the size now his Mum has said a firm not to that!! > She misses all the time & attention she had before her little brother came along. I try to do stuff with her on her own, but I often look after them both for their Mum & run out of hours in the week to just do something with her on her own as well. But I do make a real effort to focus on what she's saying & not run to her DB all the time - but it's much easier to do that when they have come along naturally and haven't been through what your DD has been through.
I would imagine DD does really miss the other children. I guess it depends on what the playgroups/rhyme times etc are like near you. If they are lovely, small groups then I would give it a go, but if they are big rowdy affairs I'd wait a while. A good compromise could be something like Music with Mummies - they are usually small groups and very 'child on knee' - so she could stay right with (on) you and only venture out when she's ready and it's all quite calm & lovely.
Another question for you wise women.
My dh's parents' 50th wedding anniversary is in 4 weeks. They live abroad and are coming home for it. DH's family are all going to a hotel a 5 hour drive away for two nights to celebrate. When DH was talking to MIL on skype last night and telling her how well dd is settling, she said 'O that's marvellous, Happy and dd will be able to come for the weekend then'. All along we've said we'd play it by ear and see how things are at the time. They haven't seen dd yet. They wanted to come in Jan to see her but dh said no. It would have meant them staying with us and I wanted to keep everything the same for dd.
Also I couldn't face the thoughts of snidey comments from MIL about how I was mothering both children
I don't like my MIL, nor she me, although we're both nicely two faced and carry ourselves off in each other's company to make life easier for dh and ds. The thoughts of spending 2 whole days and nights in the company of dh's family doesn't thrill me. They drink quite a lot, I drink very little and never in front of MIL (in case my tongue gets too loose) and find it incredibly boring to be in their company when they're all drinking. So I don't want to go. Dh would prefer that I didn't go - he always drinks loads when he's with his family and can't relax if he thinks I'm pissed off. He wants to go alone ( ds would need to go to bed by midnight at the latest, dh is a total nightowl.
Reasons NOT to go:
*The drive is very long and dd has only done short drives. I think it would be too much for her.
*The rest of the family would all be out for dinner and drinks both evenings, I'd be in the hotel room with dd on my own.
*I don't like MIL
*ds would be very tired the following week in school
Reasons TO go:
*ds loves getting together with his cousins. We did the same thing when FIL turned 70 and ds still talks about the fun he had.
*It is a big occasion for the family. MIL has booked a session with a photographer to have a family portrait done.
*dd would probably be fine. She's very sociable so I think the only real difficulty would be the car journey.
*FIL was very sick the past couple of years and has now made a full recovery. He's a lovely man and I like him a lot.
Is it too soon to be changing dd's surroundings? When is it ok to go somewhere with her overnight?
Forgot to add: DH's sister got married abroad 7 years ago and I didn't go, DH went alone. I was in a mess in my head at the time. I was at the end of the IVF road and really having a hard time dealing with it (ended up going to counselling which was the best thing I ever did). I explained to MIL and SIL why I couldn't face the wedding - the thought of all the nosy ' Isn't it time you had another one?' questions from dh's relatives- but while they were both on the surface ok about it, I've had it thrown at me every chance they get - always nicely nicely but with venom underneath. MIL hated that people were speculating about why dh was there on his own- she loves to present the perfect picture to the world.
So I feel they would think I'm a bit of a killjoy again.
I think you should go if you possibly can. I know it will be quite a lot for your dd, but it is important that in years to come she can see herself as part of your family, and this is a great opportunity (portrait and all) for her to do so. It's also great that they want her - you only have to see some posts on here to realise that some families actually don't want to include adopted children .
Can you break the journey/plan it for when she is asleep?
Can you book separate accommodation for the two nights - maybe a small s/c apartment, so you have more home comforts (and can escape), and spend most of your time there with dd, while your dh takes ds to the party. Or at least splash out on a suite so you have a separate room to sit and watch tv in. You and dd drop in for an hour or so, and then ds comes back later and leaves your dh to party?
Could you just minimise the time you actually spend with them, but still be there, and have dd included?
So a compromise of sorts.
Much as I want to disagree with your Maryz, I think you're right. I do feel it's a moment in time and who knows if it will ever happen again that all dh's family will be together like that. I just googled the hotel and they have s/c cottages (westlodge hotel in Bantry, looks lovely) so I'll book one of those and as you suggest dd and I will meet up when we can and do our own thing the rest of the time. I'll offer it up!!
Oh, that place is meant to be lovely, if a bit old fashioned. I know people who have stayed in the cottages, so that's an idea.
And you can break the journey - maybe go to somewhere like Fota and spend an afternoon, and let her sleep the rest of the way from Cork to Bantry.
I rang MIL and now I have to eat humble pie. I said we were going and I was going to try to book a cottage. They have a cottage booked already and she said we can have their cottage and just to book a room in the hotel for them, it would be much cheaper. She's thrilled we're going- I suspect she thought I might back out. So that was very kind of her.
Great idea to stop off at fota. I'll borrow my sister's zoo card because that covers fota too! We're going to take ds out of school at 12 and go cos dd sleeps around then. I'm sure he'll be devastated to miss a half day of school
I wouldn't send him in at all. Sure they are breaking up for half term so he'll miss nothing. Leave at 11.30, get to fota for lunch and an afternoon, leave there at 4 and be in Bantry at 6.
That's great about the cottage - maybe this is the start of a new relationship for you both .
Well, that's all sorted then
I hope you have a lovely time (well, at least can make the most of it). It will be nice for DS
Have you tried any of the play groups yet?
Thinking of u and praying for u and not even religious, hope hope all goes good for you and what a lucky little girl to get u xx
Ooh. Have a good time away. On one hand it will be nice to be at a family do as a complete family after all these years. On the other hand you will have to make sure dd is stuck to you like glue, so well meaning relatives don't try and grab her for a cuddle.
Have you got one of those hippy chick hip seats? I used one for dd3 and it helped, I actually used to use a sarong type scarf and " tie " her onto it at times.
I don't think DH's family will be too grabby with her, apart from MIL who DH will warn prior to the weekend. TBH, dd is a very sociable little girl and will smile and engage with people but she won't go to anyone, her choice. She sat on my dad's lap for a minute or two and she let my sister hold her for a minute but they're the only people she's gone to (or that I've been happy for her to go to). and she sees them at least 3 times a week. So I don't think she'll allow anyone to grab her. She's very well able to communicate without words and doesn't like anyone touching her, let alone holding her. She's been known to slap someone's hand away if they get too in her face.
Funny MIL story: My ds is a quiet child and when he was a little fella, we used to always tell him he didn't have to kiss or hug anyone he didn't want to, but to always have manners and shake hands. Probably as a consequence of this, he has quite a 'personal space' bubble. He's only really tactile with us and my parents. One time, MIL came for a visit - remember she lives abroad so he only sees her maybe twice a year. He was about 3 years old at the time. She came into my kitchen with arms wide open for ds. He was sitting on the couch and as she got close, his eyes got bigger in terror. When she got right up to him and was swooping in for the hug, he stuck his hand firmly out in front of him to shake hands! I laughed but MIL was NOT amused.
Another funny story that happened yesterday. My friend's 3 children were staying with us for the weekend. Her youngest is 4 and is in love with dd and full of curiosity about adoption. We also had their lovely dog and this morning, the dog was giving dd licks. Little M hugged her dog and said 'DD might not understand you Fido, she's from Russia.'
<<Off to google hippy chick seats>>
How very cute Both your DS & the little visitor!!
Looks brilliant. I like that the child is not strapped in. DD is very very busy and won't stay in the sling any more. She thinks she's missing too much and just cries to get out now but she still wants me to carry her loads. She must spend at least 3 hours a day on my hip - it's wrecking my back and my arms ache every night. I'm hoping I'll have Madonna's arms in a couple of months
if they didn't have all the fat on them
One final little story, sorry if I'm boring you all but she's just so darned cute!!
Dh was feeding her fruit this morning - well, morning for him. 11am the lucky bastard. Anyway, she ate her fruit and then wandered off
tormenting the poor dog playing. The dh put on a slice of toast for himself. She went over to the kitchen counter and called him over, pointing up at the counter. He handed her a piece of orange and she looked at the orange, flung it on the floor in temper and roared at dh pointing up at the counter again. She wanted CARBS and the fool wasn't listening. She'll go far that girl!
Enough rambling, I'm off to bed.
It is so wonderful and heart-warming to hear you chatting about your dd's little ways
I love hearing your stories too. Please continue to fill us in with all dd's antics.
I found the hippy chick invaluable, as I suffer from a bad back anyway.
I bought one from eBay very reasonably.
You really shouldn't encourage me, I can hear how boring I am but I can't stop myself.
So today I visited my aunt (home now from hospital). Dd tripped in her sitting room and rolled over as she fell. I said a loud 'oh dear, let me pick you up.' For the next 10 minutes, she kept pretending to fall, rolling over with a big smile on her face and putting her hands up for me to pick her up. So so cute!
Also, when she's going to sleep, up until last week she slept with her back to my tummy, facing out, but this week she's turned onto her side cuddling up to me, so she's looking up at me when she's falling asleep. It makes my heart explode when her little eyes are just gone and the she drags them open, looks up and smiles through her soother. There is no feeling like it in the world.
Not boring at all - just lovely
I remember so well my dd's little faces as they were falling asleep tucked up next to me.
During introductions with dd3, she fell asleep on my chest. The FC said to put her down in the pram. I decided to just let her sleep on me. The smile she gave me when she woke up, is etched on my heart.
Special memories. Tuck them away.
Also. I am waiting for your book to be published. It will be a best seller.
The last thing you are is boring - I could hear about this wee girl all day and still not get enough!!
How is DS doing with it all now?
I'm so glad I found this thread again. What lovely updates.
Just found this thread. So lovely. Wishing you all the best.
I miss sleep. I'm overjoyed with dd but if I could wave my magic wand I would wish for 12 hours of unbroken sleep. I'm 11 years older than the last time I had these broken sleeps and I feel every one of them!
Just caught up, love the little stories. So glad all is going well for you.
Don't worry about the sleep.
You will get unbroken nights back in about four years.
Just in time for your son to turn into an 'orrible teenager and keep you up all night staggering in from parties .
I've added two pictures of dd to my profile page, I hope they're visible. I had to get my 11 year old ds to show me how to get photos off my phone and onto the computer with much rolling of eyes on his part. It brought me back to the 80s when we got our first video recorder and my parents just could not get the hang of it. They drove me mental asking me the same questions over and over. I am now that parent
How beautiful she is Thanks happy. I confess I'm pretty nosy about other people's kids, but most of us can't post public pictures so it's lovely seeing other adopters smiling children And it's been wonderful following this thread from start to end and onwards
ps. It's L---a. And yes, I have added three lovely Gerbils into the family. Had to stop DD2 trying to feed them chocolate once but otherwise it's going great!
She is SO very cute
h____r here, by the way.
Have you namechanged as well Insanity . You are as bad as Hester.
Pig, she is lovely. Worth the sleepless nights
Lovely to 'meet' her after all the tears I shed reading your epic thread.
I look back at those early posts and I can't believe it's all happened and she's here and she's ours.She's such a brilliant little personality (as well as being completely cute and gorgeous). We were out in Skerries yesterday with friends and went to a brilliant playground. We were there for 1 1/2 hours and she LOVED every minute, bawled her eyes out when we were leaving. She's a real daredevil. It was her first time on a slide and she'd sit on the top and launch herself off. Soooo cute. My dh is mad about motorbikes and I never worried that ds would follow in his footsteps because he's so cautious by nature. Well, dd is a different kettle of fish entirely and she'll be the one with her motorbike at 18 I'm sure.
We're having a ball with her, she's great craic altogether. I looked over all my posts since we got her home and a few weeks ago I was saying how we were falling in love with her already. Now I look back and think 'I thought I loved her then, wow, I love her so much more now' and I]'m sure I'll look back in a year's time and say the same about now.
Enough rambling, ignore me. I'm in love.
Hi happy, ive just read this whole thread (DS is napping!) and I just wanted to let you know that I've cried (inc snot!) laughed, been genuinely touched (the 'remember' in the dictionary) and been reading so fast to get to your next post that my eyes hurt!
For no reason did I come looking, I just picked up my phone and it was in Active so I read. I have no insight whatsoever into adoption or any if the trials that come with it but I just wanted to let you know that 'your story' touched my heart. Your family is very special and you seem like a wonderful mummy to me. I wish you and your family a whole lifetime of happiness!
I feel like ive just watched a really good afternoon movie!
Celebmum, that's such a lovely post, thanks so much.
My SIL once stopped me and my other SIL from having a conversation so we could look at her daughter doing her
umpteenth partypiece. I thought she was the most precious mother of the most PFB in the world and was really annoyed at the time.
Now, I am that mother. I was walking in the park this morning with two other women. There was a general conversation going on and in the middle of it, DD spotted the tractor that cuts the grass (that we see every day) and said tractor
well, ok it was ta-ta but she meant tractor and unbelievably, these women did NOT stop their conversation to marvel at DD's new word. But fear not, I stopped their conversation immediately so that they could marvel at her brilliance.
I seriously did. But I did apologise afterwards when I realised what I'm turning into. My little girl is just completely brilliant. She understands every single word that comes out of my mouth and has a small vocabulary of words. She's great at non-verbal communication. My DH came home from work this evening and we were all out the back enjoying the glorious day. She's really starting to love her daddy and they have their little routine. When she spotted him, she shouted "Dada" and pointed to the step in the garden for him to sit down. When he didn't immediately obey, she slapped his leg, said dada even louder and patted the step, all the time staring up at him. He's putty in her hands.
When she wakes from her nap in the afternoon now, she no longer cries, she calls out 'mama' and there's not a time that I hear her call me mama that doesn't make my heart soar. She's just the happiest, busiest, boldest, bravest little girl. You know that corny line in Jerry Maguire 'You complete me', well she completes me. I'm not able to be blasé about her yet, I still go around with a big stupid grin. When I had her hair in pigtails for the first time last week, I was pushing her in the buggy and couldn't understand how people could just walk past her without saying how bloody cute she is (I'm going to put a pic of her in her pigtails on my profile just so you see how absolutely reasonable I'm being.) We had our first post-placement visit with our social worker last week (and I forgot to give her ANY biscuits, let alone the RIGHT ones!!) and she was asking if we were hoping to adopt again. It's just brilliant to be able to say 'No, our family is full now.'
How wonderful Happy. Made me well up. What a fantastic little girl you've got
Yep I can agree, you have one cute and wonderful little one there, enjoy and cherish
Oh, what a gorgeous thread, and what a beautiful family you have! Thank you for sharing all of this.
She's growing up so fast!
What an absolute cutie - she has such a pretty, mischevous little face
This thread made me smile so much! What a long process! She sounds like such a blessing!
oh how lovely, i posted on your thread when you started it, i thinki had a different name then, 4madboys! how lovely to read your updates and i am now going to look at your pigtail pic, i bet she looks cute as a button! my dd is 18mths and i am just about to start putting her hair in pigtails as its getting long enough! its the best thing ever.
she sounds utterly adorable, thankyou so much for sharing your journey with us xxx
oh my she is ADORABLE!!! love the pigtails! and my dd has a similar coat, to that one with the two sets of buttons only hers is red, i call it her red riding hood coat! she is beautiful, such a smiler! you must be very proud
We're home from Russia one year today with our gorgeous girl. She's 2 now, full of fun and a bundle of energy. She loves everyone and everyone loves her. She has such a happy disposition, I hope she's always like this.
Apart from her speech, she's exactly where she should be for a child of her age. She's in the 5th percentile for height and weight but she's on the charts at last. The public health nurse has warned me to stop weighing her, she's fine! She's starting speech therapy in Jan but at her assessment, the speech therapist said that her comprehension is in the average range for a child of 2, it's just her expessive language that needs help.
Thanks to everyone here for all the support during the agonising wait for her and during those uncertain first couple of months.
We truly are happy as pigs in shite in our house.
Yay how lovely!
Have afabulous xmas!
Just caught up on all the updates and have to admit I am in tear free fall!
Happy Christmas xx
Wow i have just read this thread Just wanted to say congratulations to you & to wish you all a lovely xmas
This is so lovely. You are very lucky, and very lovely too.
Have a lovely family christmas!
Happy Christmas to you and your beautiful daughter. With the lovely name ;-)
Thanks so much for the update - I often think about her!
Really glad all is well for your lovely family. Have a great Christmas
For anyone who's interested, I uploaded 2 photos of dd taken today, one on her own and another with her very handsome big brother and her gorgeous cousin. I'll leave them there for a few days.
That child is cute as a button! Ds3 has worn specs since he was 13 months old so I'm always a sucker for a LO with glasses. He wants round ones like that again as he's going through a Harry potter phase. Santa brought him a robe , scarf , tie and wand today, he's going around casting spells
O Kristina, my ds went through the Harry Potter thing too, it's sooo cute. For Halloween one time, I spray-dyed his hair black to go with his cloak and roundy glasses. He was quite jealous of dd when she got her glasses.
Oh excellent! He was so excited today. There's a spell he casts at his siblings and they throw themselves backwards onto the ground and another when things fly up it the air! And he was so pleased that the sorting hat hat decided he was in gryfendor ( sp??) . I'm not a Harry potter but fortunately Dh and the other kids are.
We were at the opticians this week to collect new frames for him and he was asking them if his next ones can be round like your DDs and the ones he had when he was small. But of course they only make them in the toddler size with the curl sides .
Your DD is beautiful I hope you are all having a lovely Christmas <best wishes from another Dublin-er ;) >
Thanks Elmo and stifnstav. I still well up when I look at her asleep. I'm so completely grateful for her, if that makes sense. I can't believe how lucky we are. You'd eat her up if you saw her, she makes total strangers smile at her when she says 'he-woe' (hello). It would melt a heart of stone.
Kristina, it's lovely that you ds3's siblings play along with him. <<And can I show off my extensive HP knowledge by telling you that 'expellionis' is the spell for repelling people and 'wingardiumleviosa' to make things levitate? Our HP phase went on for a few years and I loved it completely >>
dd1 has just entered the HP phase and is obsessed. On the plus side, it has finally got her reading for pleasure (though she is a good reader, she has always seen it as schoolwork and not as fun). On the down side, she keeps getting scared at bedtime, so I'm going to have to knock it on the head.
Funnily enough, just today she was on at me today about wearing glasses. She has been desperate for them for the last year, and thinks it very unfair of the optician not to agree.
Happy have just (over last couple of days) read bits of your story from this thread and it is so moving. Thank you for sharing.
Can I ask which book it was that Kristina lent you a year ago that was so good, or any others you have read, please?
Also, my DD is 8 so by the time we adopt she may be about the age of your lad when you adopted dd. Can I ask for any tips on dealing with the whole birth child and adopted child thing, how to handle everything to make it all good (or as good as can be) for both, please?
I know I am getting ahead of myself as we have not even had our prep course yet, let alone been approved! But I so much want the whole DD and new DD/DS thing to go well. My DD is so important to me, and although she really really wants a sibling I know her nose will be put out of joint not to be the centre of things. In the long run it will be (I am sure) a great thing for her, but in the early days it may be very hard and I am just keen to be aware of it all and to learn from more experienced people like your good self.
All best wishes for the New Year and the photos are lovely.
Have just read your story through from the beginning, wow it brought a tear to my eye. What an amazing family you are! Sorry missed your photos, but I imagine your daughter is just beautiful.
What a beautiful and inspiring story. I missed your photos too!
Italian - so sorry, I thought I'd replied to you before now. The book Kristina sent to me is called Babytalk. Here's the Amazon link to it.
It really is a good book to use - I still use it. It makes you feel good because most of the suggestions are things you'll find you're doing already so you feel very smug! It focuses you though, makes you think about how you're doing things. DD was just back with the speech therapist last week and she doesn't want to see her again until June. DD is flying now with her speech. She's still behind some of my friends' children who are a similar age but she has over 50 words so is officially in the 'average' range for a child of 2 years. Every day there's new words and 2 word sentences. (yesterday's word of the day, repeated many times in just the right tone, was 'Jesus')
I felt the same as you about wanting the sibling relationship to be good. My ds was (in hindsight) too involved in the waiting for dd so there was a huge build up and expectation for him. He thought life was going to be perfect from the beginning. In many ways it was in that dd loved him from the start and let him hold and play with her long before she let dh into her heart. It was hard for him too, though, because she really did consume every bit of me. She wanted to be in my arms constantly for months, and while I know this was really important for her for her attachment to me, it meant I really had no energy left for him. I feel like I've been a shit mother to him for the last year. We're out the other side of it now and it was good for ds and dh because they stuck together and did lots of things together instead but I'm making a very conscious effort to spend time with ds now.
Dd and ds are great pals, but ds does have to be told to play with her. If he had his choice, he would come in from school, throw her in the air a couple of times and that would be that. While he loves her, she is boring to him too. He doesn't enjoy sitting on the floor playing princess castles with her (funnily enough). My niece is 6 and she is dd's favourite person in the world. She follows her around like her shadow. Dn really enjoys playing with her and their relationship is just beautiful to watch. Dn is an only child so it's lovely for her to have a 'girl cousin.' In many ways, she's like a bridge between ds and dd if that makes any sense? I hope the three of them grow up to be always close.
I think it will be very hard for your dd when you have your child. I thought I'd prepared ds for it but I had no idea just how much all of our lives would revolve around her. My ds is a quiet fella, not at all attention-seeking, and he found it a huge transition. Even though I feel like he was very much sidelined, I don't know what I could have done differently. Dd needed me more. I'm glad ds was at an age where to some extent he was able to understand. And now that we're a year down the line, I can see that it's all-consuming for a time and then things even out.
This has turned into an essay, sorry!
Thanks so much Happyasapiginshite, great.
Could I ask the age difference between your children, please?
ds is 12 and dd is 2.
I am confused! Photo's how do you see someone's photo's? I seemed to have missed a trick on here!!
If you hover over someone's name and a line appears under it, you can look at their profile and there may be photos on it. I'm going to put a photo of dd on again now for a couple of days so if you hover over my name in a minute, you'll be able to access my photos. Lucky you