Have received a message from my birth mother, what now!?

[namechanged2]

Name changed for this.

In 2006 I posted on a website searching for my half brother.
About a year ago I heard from someone who knew my adoptive parents and my birth mother and her husband at the time I was born/adopted. She said she was searching for people they knew from around that time (including my birth mother's ex husband). She said she was quite practised at tracking people down and had come accross my message while searching for my half brother's father. I didn't reply to her at the time (for various reasons - least of which was her going on about how wonderful my adoptive parents were. I don't have quite the same opinion and my childhood was not happy.)

I have today received another reply to my post. This time from someone who (while she doesn't say it) is pretty obviously my birth mother. It gives her name (current, married and nee) and an email address.

The message mentions places and other details about my brother, but doesn't say that she knows where he is now. Am guessing she may have lost touch with him when he was adopted (by his father's new wife).

I am a bit up in the air about what to do now. I wasn't searching for my birth mother (though I knew there was a possibility she would be found while searching for my half brother).
She lives abroad (assuming she is still in the country she moved too, and I was adopted abroad (different country again) so chances of bumping into her or meeting up are minimal).

I'm just not sure what to think or even that I'm ready to be in contact with her.
My half brotehr is different. He was a small child and I was less than a year old when adopted. Neither of us had any say in the matter. I guess I can't understand why she handed me over to the first person who said they'd take me.
It was a private adotion, not through an agency, and done in a foreign country. The usual channels for searching, suport etc weren't open to me.

I feel like I need to talk to someone about what to do now. But no idea who. Can't possibly talk to my family. I'm certain that my adoptive parents (particularly my mother) would be very upset to know I had even gone looking.
I don't have a clue what to reply to this message either. Because of the place I posted it my email details aren't provided to any person who contacts me. so she'll only get my contact details if I email her in return.

[dirgeinvegas]

oh namechanged what a difficult decision for you. I should caveat my reply, I am no expert in this but happy to talk here if you want to.

I didn't grow up with my birth father, I was adopted by my mothers second husband who was the only person I had ever known as dad.

I grew up thinking I wanted to meet my birth father, like you I had lots of questions - why did he move away? Why hadn't he kept in touch? Did I have other siblings?

I was 15 when the opportunity to meet him came out of the blue. I felt sick with nerves, I wasn't sure I wanted to do it but I did under some pressure from my mum.

So we met up, it was fine. I didn't ask any of the questions I wanted to, he was painfully shy and it wasn't what I imagined. We had lunch and I assumed that would be that. I had my dad, I wasn't looking for a relationship with my birth father, I just wanted to meet him.

He had other ideas and assumed it would be a regular thing. I was quite distressed at the thought of seeing him regularly but my mum sort of made me so I met up with him monthly.

It's turned out fine, I get on wonderfully with him now and my life is better for having him in it but I wish I had had realistic expectations from the start. It did also cause problems with my adopted dad for a while.

I suppose my story is very different, you're not 15 and so no one will pressure you into this.

Apprehension is probably very normal in this situation but it doesn't mean it had to turn out badly. Having said that, the fact that she got in touch doesn't mean you have to meet her either.

An unusuak twist to my story is that my dad (adopted) no longer speaks to me or my sibling since he and my myum divorced about 10 years ago. I miss him terribly and he has mentioned to my cousin that he'd like to meet but for some reason I am very clear that I don't want him in my life (too many reasons to go into here). Some times I wonder if I will regret my decision but I know that I don't want him in DD's life and that makes the decision easy for me. Perhaps one day I will wish I had had the opportunity to mend bridges and ask questions but I can live with the consequences of my decision because although its a painful one I know its the right one.

Good luck, hopefully someone with better advice has posted in the meantime

[MollieO]

No idea about whether to contact or not. However if you aren't sure you could set up a separate email address for contact with her. That way it can be kept separate from the rest of your email life if that's what you want.

[namechanged2]

Thanks for the responses
MollieO I already have 2 email addresses. One I use for buying anything online and one I use for personal stuff. It was the former to which this email came and probably the one I would use if I did get in touch. I wouldn't want to set up a new address just for this and find that, if things went quiet for a bit, I was missing messages or possibly worse logging in hoping for a message and not getting any. It has taken 5 years for this initial email to come after all.

dirgeinvegas - I have felt pressurised for a long time, but pressure not to search. I also worry because when you see programs on tv etc the birth mother often seems to want or need to know their child had a happy childhood. I can't tell my birth mother that. I'm glad to hear that meeting your dad turned out to be a good thing. I know people who haven't had such a good outcome. That makes me nervous too I guess so it's nice to hear you had a better outcome. Do you think your adopted dad felt pushed out in some way after you were in contact with your birth dad? I know my mother will take it very personally if she were to find out I'd been searching.

Does anyone know if there is any kind of helpline or website that people can use to talk through the issues or advise on things that I may not even have thought about?
Am still unsure what to do. Been distracting myself making cakes for tomorrow. I guess that knowing she is on the other side of the world and therefore presumably asleep has helped me justify not replying yet. Though it must be morning there by now...

[ChildofIsis]

I'm thrilled that I've found this thread. I'm about to make contact with my Birth mother.
I've gone through an agency so have had a lot of advice from them.

When I've felt overwhelmed I've just given myself time to let it all sink in.
I've found it to be quite surreal at times and has taken a lot of soul-searching.

I suppose it's a situation like no other and there will only be a few people who can truly empathise.

Please don't be pressured into doing anything that you're uncomfortable with.

Good Luck.

[dirgeinvegas]

namechanged2 I can understand the pressure not to search, you feel disloyal to the parents who brought you up. I felt I had to reassure my mum a lot, she was worried I'd love my step-mum more than her and I'd want to live with my birth father.

My dad was always very supportive in what he said about me having a relationship with my birth father but I could sense a worry. We did have conversations where I made it clear that he was my dad and nothing ever changed that.

One of the big reasons we no longer speak is that he asked me and my siblings to choose between him and mum when they divorced. We didn't choose but because we wanted to spend time with mum he chose for us.

One thing I didn't expect was how my birth father expected to step into a dad role when my parents divorced. It was almost like I had a dad-vacancy he thought he could now fill. That caused issues on mine and my sisters wedding day - he thought he should give us away, he also wanted is to call him dad. He didn't get that my dad was my dad - whether I saw him or not.

Do you think you'll regret not getting in touch with her? Would you bs happy with an email relationship rather than a face to face relationship?

You know, replying to her email doesn't mean you have to have any continued contact, it could just be an email.

Also, don't feel concerned that you can't tell her that you had a better life. You can't live the life you would have had with her so you can't know where you would have been happier. You can always be evasive and focus on the positives and not mention less happy times.

I will say that having my birth father back in my life was good for me to understand why he left etc. I'd only had my mums version as a child which was actually the truth, more a version of events which suited her and discouraged me from idealising him (mum always had a worry that we'd leave her to live with him).

[namechanged2]

ChildofIsis - What agency did you go through? Was it the one you were adopted through? Do they have a helpline or website with advice or FAQ at all that may be of use to me? You say take it slow but how long has it taken you to find her and how long since knowing where she was has it taken you to decide to have contact? What are you hoping to gain or put to rest by contacting your birth mother? Good luck with your contact, I hope it goes well for you all.

dirgeinvegas - that does sound a difficult position your dad put you in and a complictaed situation for you all. :( that your dad is not in contact with you now but, as you said yourself, it does sound like that was his choice by asking you to make an impossible decision. Do you think he has come to regret that now or that he was really asking you to choose between him and your birth dad perhaps?

Maryz - Thanks. I have emailed Barnados to see if they can help me or know of any organisation that can. Their website implies they only help adoptees who were adopted through Barnados. Hopefully I will get a reply from them soon but I am mindful that it is a bank holiday weekend.

I am in England now. I know my half brother went back to the UK with his dad but could be anywhere now of course. My birth mother went to Australia after I was adopted and I was adopted in Africa. Hence why it is very difficult to know where to even start looking or finding who can help me! There is no obvious agency to go to as it was a private adoption. I've had to do what little I have managed on my own.

I wasn't sure he even would remember/know about me, let alone be looking for me. I tracked down his birth certifiicate though, and so I wrote letters trying to trace possible relatives of my mother in the UK in the area that he and I were born in (we were both born in the UK at the same place so I figured there must be a reason she returned to that area to have me. Plus she had an unusual surname before marrying which made it a but easier to find people with that name in the area).
The responses I got (not all my letters got responses) were from people who said she was not part of their family. One very helpful guy was tracing his family tree and said he had heard of another branch of the family with the same surname but hadn't found any links to my mother. My brother has an extremely common name, particularly in Scotland (and I didn't know where in Scotland to start looking and he could have moved abroad given his dad was working abroad when I was born). So as a last resort I posted on a website hoping that anyone searching for a combination of the surnames involved may find me through a search engine. That was 5 years ago, so it has taken a long time to get even this far. I just want to be sure that I am ready to move forward now. And if I'm not I want to be sure I can contact her in the future should I decide I am.

I spoke to a couple of friends yesterday, both said what they would do but also said they couldn't advise me really as they weren't adopted and couldn't appreciate all the wider ranging issues that may come into the decision. Which again makes me think there is lots I should be thinking about in this decision.

[5inthebed]

Gosh what a shock for you, and a very hard decision to make. I can't say whether or not it is the righ thing for you to meet your birth mother, as I don;t know you personally, so would just like to give you my experience.

I was adopted the man I call dad, he has been in my life since I was a baby. I found out about this when I was 19, and took until this January (11 years later) to find out who my biological dad was. I met him the end of January, he was as keen as me to meet up, and it all seemed to be going very well, he met Dh as well. He hasn't been in contact since, despite me contacting him via email and text (tried calling him but his phone i always turned off). To say I am heartbroken is an understatement. I feel like I am a huge dissappointment/embarassment to him and not worth knowing.

So please, take time to think about what you want to do, don't jump in both feet forward like I have done.

[Acinonyx]

Quick post: I can recommend norcap (look on google) - they offer counselling for adoptees and an intermediary service.

[dirgeinvegas]

I think it's more complicated than that even namechanged he had a son from his first marriage who he never saw despite his ex-wife's and my mum's best efforts. I see now that he found it very easy to leave his children when it suited him or his life changed. My younger brother actually bumped into my dad 10 years ago and invited him to go for a drink (db had just turned 18 and finished his a-levels and I think just wanted dad to be proud). Dad agreed but then stood him up. DB was heartbroken, much like 5inabed. When DB called Dad said he just changed his mind.

5inabed I am so sorry for how your dad treated you. It baffles me how some people can treat their children like that, even more so now that I am a parent myself. Hope you're ok.

[ChildofIsis]

Hi namechanged, sorry for delay in replying.
I'm currently using a website called findparents.com. They've been very helpful. A letter is going to my birthmother tomorrow!

I was adopted through a church agency, my parents were too old to go through social services.
I got all my papers when I was a teenager, a long time ago.
I always wanted to meet my bm, but never had the courage. Since I had my little girl I've thought more about it. Then last year my Mum was very ill and nearly died several times. I realised that my bm wouldn't be getting any younger and wanted to find her before it was too late.

[namechanged2]

Hi everyone

Thanks for the responses.
I haven't had any reply from my email to Barnados. I guess they can't help in my complicated situation but it would have been nice to have some kind of acknowledgement.

So I did get in touch with NORCAP who have sent me forms to register with them and have also replied to my BM on my behalf in the mean time. As yet she hasn't responded.
Rather than thinking about what her response might be I am tying myself up in knots wondering what happens if she doesn't respond!

I was surprised just how emotional I became when I did speak to someone about it on the phone, even briefly. It makes me realise that there's a lot of emotion behind all this still and I do really need help moving forward.

[ChildofIsis]

I've noticed how deep my emotional reactions are during my search.
I'm remembering stuff from my childhood that I've not thought about for decades.

My biggest fear is also hearing nothing. I hate not knowing.
A letter was sent yesterday recorded so I'm waiting too.

Is there anything we could do to help each other?

[ChildofIsis]

I spoke to my bm yesterday for the first time!

It was very emotional. She sounds lovely. She wasn't able to have any more kids so was thrilled to find out i have a daughter.

I'm feeling like a vast emptiness in my life is starting to fill.
I've never felt i belonged anywhere and always felt an outsider. Not due to anyone's behaviour, just how i saw the world.

This seems to be a huge turning point, i hope it all goes well.

[dirgeinvegas]

Oh ChildofIsis I am so pleased to read your post! It sounds like it went really well.

Have you made plans to speak again? Is she near you?

[ChildofIsis]

Hi Dirge we spoke twice on thursday then again for two hours on friday evening.
I felt quite odd after though, frightened for the future I guess. It seemed as though it could all go really wrong, because it had been so easy. If that makes any sense.
I'm going to text her today to see about speaking tonight.
I'm so happy to find her, but an now worried what she'll make of me when we do eventually meet.
It's daft really because I don't usually worry about sort of thing.

She lives over the other side of the pennines from me, not far from my Mum!
Her sister lives in Wales where my Mum's Dad was born.
Mum can't wait to meet her.

I think there will be some large family get togethers once we've got to know each other.

[ChildofIsis]

I've just found out about a post-adoption charity called After Adoption. A friend works with kids in care and has used them to great effect with adopted kids needing help in understanding their situation.

Today I got some photos of my bm. I don't think I'd recognise her if I saw her in town. Although it's difficult to tell from a photo.

I'm quite concerned that if I look like my bf she may not want to know.