Considering surrogacy, all a bit overwhelming!

(68 Posts)
rocketupbum Wed 26-Jan-11 21:06:23

I am seriously considering offering to be a surrogate for some friends of ours. It is something I have thought about for a while and it all fits. I have been trying to do as much research as poss before offering, so as not to cause any disappointment. I am finding the websites a bit hard to get along with. They are obviously mostly geared towards people looking for matches and perhaps mostly intended parents. They are also a bit too nice (I have been so used to the harsh MN way it is all a bit wierd and full of "huns" and "hugs"grin)
I wondered how many surro mums there were on here and how you went about it etc? I feel I just want some more straight talking and a bit less fluffy stuff. I dont want to be an "angel" I would just like to have a baby for people who would make great parents!

hester Wed 26-Jan-11 23:22:33

I don't have any advice to offer, just didn't want you to feel alone! I'm sure someone will be along soon... in the meantime, best of luck to you.

rocketupbum Thu 27-Jan-11 10:14:28

Oh thanks! I am always impressed by people who reply out of the kindness of their hearts! Hopefully a straight talking surrgate will be along shortly.

hester Thu 27-Jan-11 21:03:36

I had a very complex and lengthy journey to parenthood myself, rocket, so have lots of sympathy for others in the same boat.

Hope you get some weekend traffic...

QODthesurrogacytrendsetter Thu 27-Jan-11 21:07:22

Go along to COTS message board and just say what you;ve just said! Quite a few people just sign up for a bit of support and advice in your situation

www.surrogacy.org.uk/cgi-bin/discus/discus.cgi

There are a couple of surrogates on here already and I am sure they'll pop up!

Wow - best of luck to you. I had a conversation with my DH along these lines once and said I would do it for my sister if need be and his reaction was immediate and very negative which took me by surprise. If you have a partner, what are his thoughts? best of luck to you

NonnoMum Thu 27-Jan-11 21:09:58

Very interesting. I hope everything goes the way you want it to.

One thing that I would consider, is have you completed your own family? Just in case the procedure should compromise your own ability to have another child, how would you feel about that?

(am sure you have considered all these things, but just wanted to carry on the conversation without treating you like an angel - big hugs!)

QODthesurrogacytrendsetter Thu 27-Jan-11 21:15:51

I can give you any tips on conception down the line ... lol

Seriously though, my surro never spoke to anyone apart from us, she approached us, we took some convincing (you're sure? you will? why? what if you change your mind? you're sure? why? etc LOL)

rocketupbum Fri 28-Jan-11 08:36:13

Thanks all, it is great to hear about it from your point of view QOD.
I am pretty sure I have completed my brood. I do feel occasionally broody at that time of the month but that soon disappears after a noisy and chaotic tea/bedtime! I also know if I couldnt have any more I would not be devavasted.
Did you do straight or host QOD? I think I would be more comfortable with host on balance. It is so hard to know how you will feel once the baby is inside. I do think that if that egg and sperm have taken such a different journey from my kids (not made out of our love and desire for a family - bugger now I sound all fluffy too!) then the baby was never mine in the first place.
Lots of food for thought still. I just want to make sure I have done all the research and thinking before we put the offer out there. On that note my DH is very supportive. He is a complete legend!

WOW what a wonderful gift Rocket.
Can't offer any advise I am afraid, just tht I can see your point about being a "host", biologicaly the baby would have now connection to you, it would just be renting a womb.
Best of luck with the decision.

got my typing is bad !

QODthesurrogacytrendsetter Fri 28-Jan-11 18:19:40

Straight - the thing of course with host it that essentially it's IVF with complications - 1 person to harvest from, 1 to implant into.

Straight meant much much higher chance of success

naturalbaby Fri 25-Mar-11 14:43:50

Are there any other surrogates-to-be about, or any posters from this thread? I'm trying to work out how to begin the journey into becoming a surrogate mum and wondering how long it can take or where the best place is for a bit of regular chat from other surrogate mums?

i've had a look at the websites suggested here and it looks like the quickest and easiest thing to do is send off a form to cots? the idea of going to socials and events to meet intended parents seems a bit harder in a way.

also, how do surrogates partners react? mine thinks i've lost the plot but i really want to do this and not just give up because he doesn't like the idea.

surfandturf Fri 25-Mar-11 14:56:10

Marking my place because I've been thinking about becoming a surrogate too.

We have definately completed our own family and we both agree we don't want to have any more children of our own, but I really loved being pregnant and would love to be pregnant again. I had a very small gap between my 2 DCs and didn't feel I got the most out of my 2nd pregnancy.

My biological clock is ticking and I would love to be able to do this for another couple who are struggling. I discussed it with my DH and he was ok about it but felt that he would rather do it for someone we know hmm

I also feel it would be less emotionally tying if the baby wasn't biologically mine but I understand that it is harder for success when you go down the IVF route.

naturalbaby Fri 25-Mar-11 15:01:55

My baby is only 8weeks old so it would be a while before I will be pregnant again as my children are very young, but it seems like it takes quite a while before the first attempt at getting pregnant so I was wondering whether to make the first steps now to get the ball rolling or whether to wait a bit. All the stuff about health checks, wills, GP letter etc I'm not ready for but I am ready to join a group and start getting information and planning.

It seems like a daft question to ask but can I really go through with this if my husband is really against it? It's not like he's forbidden me to do it but he doesn't want me to (at the moment!). We've been through a lot over the last year, nothing serious, so we need to settle down and look after our family for a bit. I'm just looking at all my maternity stuff wondering whether to keep it or sell it!

Geepers Fri 25-Mar-11 15:06:34

I have done both host and straight surrogacy, the first time having boy/girl twins and the second time a little boy.

I don't give it much thought any more but at the time it was wonderful, but be prepared for it to take over your whole life, and that of your family.

I'm very proud of being a surrogate and it's a wonderful feeling to give a couple the gift of a family after so many years of heartache. I am a very maternal person (I have six children of my own) but I didn't find surrogacy as emotionally challenging as I anticipated. The joy you get from sharing everything with the parents is worth every minute of doubt, discomfort and pain.

rocketupbum Sat 02-Apr-11 21:38:39

It is interesting to hear other peoples stories. I have spent some time on the surrogacy uk website and there is certainly alot of info there. I would feel nervous about socials and meets, how the bloody hell do you choose from all those lovely people who have long and emotional stories?

surrofab Wed 11-May-11 15:42:57

Im a surrogate too and loved every minute of it! Just get in touch with any questions xx

yukoncher Fri 13-May-11 18:41:24

Will the baby not be able to benefit from being breastfed due to this set up?
and are you getting paid?

Baring a child takes a lot out of a woman, sucks the life from you physically,a nd to not have the joy of producing your own child from it could make it all seem like such a massive sacrifice.

Are you satisfied with the children you've already had, and sure you don't want anymore for yourself?

tiptoptally Sun 12-Jun-11 23:48:12

I've just seen this thread and it's made me cry to see that there ARE people out there willing to give people the greatest gift ever. You're all fab and if I ever find someone like you to help us become parents I will be forever grateful!!! LOVED the post "The joy you get from sharing everything with the parents is worth every minute of doubt, discomfort and pain.".
Could anyone tell me about the costs/difficulties/how the surrogate feels? I feel I need a few months just to come to terms with not carrying my own baby before setting the whole process in motion, but would like to know what we'll be facing. It's host surrogacy we'll be looking for.
Thanks

naturalbaby Thu 23-Jun-11 14:33:22

bumping the post again for tiptoptally. have put my plans to be a surrogate on hold for a bit but still hope to do it one day. would love to hear more about other people's experiences but there don't seem to be many stories or discussions about. i'm not sure i could do the route with socials and meets - i'd want to have a baby for everyone! i'd rather hand in an application form and be matched up to a family.

Pang Thu 23-Jun-11 15:10:39

Don't do it if you DH is not in agreement. You will need a lot of support during the pregnancy. And making someone else happy could potential destroy your marriage.

Sorry to be negative, but you both need to agree.

naturalbaby Thu 23-Jun-11 15:40:03

yes, i totally agree so am a bit sad that my dh is so against it. am hoping once our babies are all a bit older we can discuss it again - we've just had quite a few babies very close together so i think the thought of another pregnancy is really not something he wants to think about right now!

rocketupbum Thu 23-Jun-11 21:23:34

Sorry I havent responded for ages! We are now a tiny bit further down the line in having a date for some joint counselling with our friends. I think the idea is to make sure we are not being coerced into it and also make sure we are in agreement with regard to the worst case scenarios etc.
I still feel confident I can do it. My biggest concern is the level of responsibilty really, for eg. I did have odd small glass of wine with my 2 pregnancies and I am not sure how I am going to feel this time. I am also interested to know how other surros coped with telling people that it is "not my baby"! I work in a job where I meet lots of people and it might be a little odd to deal with the surrogate discussion 15 times a day.
On a final note my DH is completely behind the decision, very much discussed between us from the start. Oh and I am as sure as any woman that I do not want any more kids of my own. I am loving the older ages of mine and I am not, in all honesty, a huge lover of the baby stage (leaking boobs/no sleep/no sex/lots of poo...wink)

Pang Tue 28-Jun-11 16:13:19

I am curious about how you explain to the other children in the family that the baby will not be staying with you? How do they react to this - is there a since of loss for them?

rocketupbum Tue 28-Jun-11 20:28:05

I think that is a good question pang. I plan to explain it that our friends tummy is broken so I am looking after it for her. My 2 are young enough to not ask too many biological questions( if these do come up it could be a good time to answer some!). Also I will try to make sure my kids see our friends fairly regularly and know that the baby is theirs. I also plan to speak directly to school so that nothing is lost in translation.

Innat Sun 15-Jan-12 22:38:05

Hi rocket have you gone any further down the surrogacy route? I've recetnly been considering it for some friends and came across this thread - haven't mentioned it to them yet but curious to hear if you've decided one way or the other and why?

QOD Sun 15-Jan-12 22:51:37

Oh I got all excited seeing a surrogacy thread but I see I've been here and done that!

A friend of mine has hopefully just found a host surrogate -they are as rare as hens teeth! She's in Edunburgh and friend in Bristol..... Gonna be complicated as the ivf will likely be in London!

Innat Tue 17-Jan-12 21:23:03

Hi qod sorry to get your hopes up! Hope it works out for your friend. Interesting that they are far apart. I am far from my friends. I just keep thinking about their situation and how unfair it is and wondered if I could help...but I also keep remembering about how much I did not enjoy being pregnant!

rocketupbum Mon 06-Feb-12 20:31:37

Hello, sorry only just seen the thread resurface.
I am slightly further along as in we have had some counselling both alone and with our friends. I need to have a couple of extra tests to check my body is in full working order. Then we should be all systems go.
We are doing host surro and actually going to the USA for implantation.
I am quite excited about it all now. I have had 2 very straightforward pregnancies and labours and can only hope that this one is the same.
Things i am most nervous about are:
1.The responsibility of carrying someone elses baby and how that impacts on day to day life
2. Telling lots of people - I have a job where i meet lots of people and will prob have to tell all of them that the baby isnt mine (!) which will lead onto lots of discussions with people I would probably not choose to talk about it with.
3. The impact on my family, my (amazing) DH is pretty chilled about it all. But I guess it is unknown with the DC, although I have good support and advice. Also my extended family, I know my Mum is worried about it all - I am her DD after all and her concerns will always be with me first.
I hope all that waffle is a bit of food for thought for you.

OhDearNigel Wed 15-Aug-12 10:15:09

Bumping this up as I am meeting a friend for coffee on Saturday who has been struggling with multiple miscarriages for 2 years, IVF has not helped her and I am seriously considering offering to be a host surrogate for her. I have DH's support who thinks it would be a great thing to do.

OP, how is the process going for you ?

PrivacyMaintained Sat 26-Jan-13 19:05:36

Bumping as just starting out myself. Looking into having a baby through surrogacy. I have had one friends offer, but I think she just feels sorry for me and her DH isnt really for it. We are really only at the looking around, seeing what is available stage. Another friend for the past 5 years has always offered to be a host surrogate for us when she completes her family, and know we know I cant have children.
For those who have had a baby with the help of a surrogate, did you find it easier with someone you know, or through an agency? Looked at surrogacy UK adn cots, but seems to be aimed at those needing matching, whereas I might not need that

QOD Sat 02-Feb-13 19:20:14

There are many many more couples than surrogates on agency books

We still joined cots anyway for the support etc

RosieCottage2 Fri 08-Feb-13 18:44:21

Am hoping to have our much much longed for first child through surrogacy. It seems so daunting when you hear how many of us IP's there are sad Am determined but it does get hard at times.

MonthlyNeedsToTakeHerTime Fri 08-Feb-13 19:56:48

I would say to any surrogates to be, if you are going to offer to be a surrogate to a friend, please don't offer unless it really is something you think you can do. My best friend for years always said shed be a surrogate for us, as before even starting ttc we knew we'd have problems. And then when it became clear that I couldn't carry a baby and we could look at surrogacy or adoption she just stopped talking. I have never talked about it or asked her to be a surrogate since we decided that was what we were doing. I really have no feelings about it, and do not mind one bit that she doesn't want to do it when it actually came to it. Nor did I expect her to say she didn't feel that way anymore. We just discuss my surrogacy options and journey and neither of us mention that she used to offer.
So please don't offer unless you think you can do it. I don't mean as in something goes wrong, or you're ill, or want more of your own children, I mean saying it in such a way that you think you sound like the worlds best friend and selfless person, but its not something you could actually do and you didn't think you offer would need to be taken up

RosieCottage2 Thu 28-Feb-13 19:28:08

are there any surros here?

cherrise Fri 01-Mar-13 20:00:53

I'm not a surrogate but I used a surro to have a child.. we used one from india and the process was relatively straightforward. I know that indian surrogacy has a bad press on mn (and generally) but well, our surrogate had counselling etc and got around 4k out of it, which is a lot considering her other employment option was as a maid which would have meant separation from her children as well. Google indian surrogacy to learn more if you are interested if you done have any luck finding a uk surrogate.

cfc Sun 03-Mar-13 20:06:33

Am really interested in this thread.

I am interested in becoming a surro for someone - we've completed our family now and I feel that we've been too lucky, so karma is insisting I give something back. I hope that doesn't sound twattish, it doesn't mean to!

What on earth is the first step in finding out about it all?!

QOD Sun 03-Mar-13 20:08:52

I get soooo excited very time I see this thread ..l. But it's the same one, again :D

Have a look at the forums of COTS and surrogacy UK or google message board for surrogates

cfc Sun 03-Mar-13 21:15:21

Thank you QOD I will do that, have already had a look at COTS' board and have emailed asking for a surrogate pack to be sent to me so I can register and get this process started.

Reading what other women who have acted as surrogates hav eto say on the matter is lovely. I think this is something I will end up doing, my husband is really supportive too.

cfc Sun 03-Mar-13 21:58:59

Thank you QOD I will do that, have already had a look at COTS' board and have emailed asking for a surrogate pack to be sent to me so I can register and get this process started.

Reading what other women who have acted as surrogates hav eto say on the matter is lovely. I think this is something I will end up doing, my husband is really supportive too.

EverythingsBeachy Tue 05-Mar-13 21:53:08

Just thought I'd bump this! Taken the decision not to go through pregnancy due to a disability. So looking to consider surrogacy or adoption
Is straight surrogacy more common? I'd have thought surrogates would have preferred host as it wasn't theirs, iyswim?
How did you cope with a baby being half your husbands and half someone else's? Did you see this as preferable over adoption?

QOD Wed 06-Mar-13 08:03:30

Very very hard to get a straight surrogate unless it's your own, frien, family etc
Most unknown, matched to you surrogates at least start out offering host only
Thing with that of course means Ivf with the cost and complications associated
I was asked by our court appointed social worker why I didn't adopt over having a baby that was part husband and part friend
I find that rather weird to be fair! Adopt a potentially damaged older child that's not related to either of us or have a new born baby. . .
To be fair though, we were offered a baby by our surrogate before we had got to seriously considering adoption. I was on the waiting list for Ivf and had lost all confidence in myself ever conceiving
I'd been trying for years, had 4 rounds of failed iui prior to insemination and had been told I'd got low chance of success

So no, wasn't an issue for me. Don't know how I would have felt about a stranger though.

EverythingsBeachy Wed 06-Mar-13 18:10:20

Thanks for the info.
I was just wondering if because I can technically get pregnant (well we had one mc) but decided I couldn't carry a pregnancy, that that would mean that a surrogate would never choose us, would always choose someone who couldn't physically have a baby, through ivf, cancer treatment etc. if this would be the case then I wouldn't want to even start down that road. Also would me having a disability out potential surrogates off as well? I know that's not a very PC question, but it would be good to know before looking into trying to remortgage, get credit cards etc

HDEE Wed 06-Mar-13 18:13:39

I belong to a couple of closed surrogacy groups. I can ask them to add you if you want to pm me your name.

It's really helpful for advice and has both surrogates and IPs on.

HDEE Wed 06-Mar-13 18:13:57

Sorry, the groups are on FB.

QOD Thu 07-Mar-13 17:27:49

Oh nice Hdee, are any of them affiliated to COTS? (I know you weren't talking to me) cos I've totally lost my cots log in

cfc Thu 07-Mar-13 19:15:32

QOD - can I ask what made you gravitate towards COTS as opposed to SUK?

OddBoots Thu 07-Mar-13 19:25:55

I've been a host surro three times, I had a boy for one couple through COTS then two girls a couple of years apart for another couple through Surrogacy UK. I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I hadn't become disabled (unrelated to the pregnancies).

I can understand any person/couple asking if they would get chosen but it's impossible to answer that, if you find the right surrogate you'll get chosen, if you don't then you won't, it's like asking if you'll ever find mr/mrs right.

It is a long hard journey but when it works it is amazing, both for the couple and the surrogate and hopefully for the child/ren too.

QOD Fri 08-Mar-13 16:59:24

I'd heard of COTS and as weren't looking for a surrogate, I just wanted the legal advise and technical type info and support.
Surrogacy UK was more about social meets and finding a surrogate, and I don't think I'd ever heard of it then actually?
Dd is 14 so we must have joined 16 yrs ago now!!

OddBoots Fri 08-Mar-13 17:38:49

Surrogacy UK is about 10 years old, I know because I was pregnant with my dd at the time (I was a little bit involved in the set up).

QOD Fri 08-Mar-13 19:32:55

Ah there you go then! I couldn't really remember. But of course, back then when I joined, it was still affiliated to Kim Cotton

We're not parents yet, though it's something we've been planning for a long time, so I'm a constant lurker on these boards -- it's been super help even for non-parenting topics. And now this is my first post! Thanks for being such a great resource.

Anyway, we have embryos already created, and we were going to ship them to India for a surrogate there. Unfortunately, the Indian govt announced in the last weeks that they will start enforcing the rule that bars same-sex couples from surrogacy. So we are back at square one, which is a shame, because we spent a lot of time making sure that our agency in India was morally upright and that the surrogates were treated in an ethical manner.

Now we are looking at surrogacy in the UK. In a lot of ways, many of the ethical considerations (exploitation, etc) fall away compared to India (though of course some remain). I know the original poster doesn't want to be treated as an angel, and I understand that. But from our perspective, those of you who are even contemplating being a surrogate for someone are the kindest, most generous people in the world. Even if you decide not to, the fact that you have even thought about it points to a very generous spirit. So thanks to all of you.

2hope Fri 12-Apr-13 10:38:58

I'm really pleased to have come across this thread. After some very difficult times we have decided to explore surrogacy. We've done some initial reading and were mainly trying to decide what next - surrogacyuk or COTS. I had thought COTS appealed more - don't know why - but I'm pleased to see it been discussed positively here. Maybe this weekend we'll take the next step to sign up. This is such a big deal, we don't know how it might work out, we don't want to get excited but it does offer a glimmer of hope.

I know there aren't many on this thread who have actually gone through this journey but I wondered if anyone knew about surrogacy where an egg is sourced from a third party? My eggs can't be harvested and I wonder if we might have more success finding a potential surrogate if we weren't also asking to use her own eggs. I realise this would be more complicated but it's just a thought. Anyway, I know we're more likely to get a response on the COTS message board but just felt the need to add to this thread too as it's not often you stumble across these discussions. If we do take this further I will keep you updated. To those of you on the other side, who are thinking about being surrogates, you really are amazing.

LinzTOYT Fri 12-Apr-13 19:55:28

I am glad to have come across this thread as I have considered becoming a surrogate for years, after my 3rd son was born I watched a TV program I watched a very interesting documentary and knew it was something I would really love to do for a couple one day. I have been very blessed with 4 very lovely children and would love to be able to give some other deserving person the same gift. My family is 100% complete and whilst I am still relatively young I would love to look further into it.

OceanBeach Sun 14-Apr-13 13:07:28

2hope, I am in the same position as you! Can't use my eggs due to the high chance of passing on a major disability that can't be screened for.
So we are wondering whether it is better or easier to use a host surrogate and an egg donor or a traditional surrogate. No idea how easy it is to find an egg donor!

2hope Mon 15-Apr-13 12:26:04

Hi oceanbeach, we had spent some time looking at egg donation as a possibility for me but it was too high risk. I also learned that egg donors are few and far between - there is no real incentive in this country for a woman to go through this invasive procedure. There are some clinics now doing egg sharing schemes - so a couple going through IVF can donate eggs and the recipient will cover part of the cost of their IVF. There was a place in Nottingham (if I remember correctly) that did this. How the arrangements might work with a surrogate though I do not know.

Have you joined COTS or surrogacyuk? I'd love to stay in touch and follow your journey as I don't know anyone else in a similar position!

OceanBeach Mon 15-Apr-13 13:55:02

Hi 2hope! At the moment looking around getting some information. As £800 is a lot to part with to join cots / SUK if we then cants afford to pay for egg donation etc! There's an open day conference in cardiff in June, with stalls for adoption, all the ivf units, about surrogacy / adoption / fostering etc, so going to go to that first to find out if we could afford surrogate with egg donor, or better for tradional surrogate. Then will join something if we think we can afford it.

OceanBeach Mon 15-Apr-13 13:57:14

Does anyone know any good groups to join just why we are looking into surrogacy to see if we can afford it / it is for us?

Had a look at a few on Facebook, one we found was full of 20 year old looking girls with pouty faced photos, never had children saying they want to be surrogates. It just felt wrong, like they wanted the money etc, it just didn't seem like the type of group I wanted to join.

WeAreEternal Mon 15-Apr-13 14:06:23

A good friend of mine is an experiences surrogate.
She has had four surrogate babies (three straight and one host, all for strangers) and I am in absolute awe of her.

I have seriously considered the possibility of one day becoming a surrogate, purely because of how amazing my friend is.
She is so open and honest about her experiences and is always happy to chat with anyone about surrogacy.

OceanBeach Mon 15-Apr-13 14:58:52

We, did she go through cots or surrogacy? Or one of the other Internet forums? Wondering where is the best to join?

WeAreEternal Mon 15-Apr-13 17:05:01

She has met couples through both cots at surrogacyuk but she now finds couples herself via the Internet and national meet ups.

QOD Mon 15-Apr-13 17:29:39

You will find it incredibly hard to find a surrogate who does straight surrogacy right away, sometimes they "convert" after failed IVF etc and after building a relationship.

Egg donation IVF would be much more likely BUT obviously lower pregnancy success rate and not just your surrogate costs but IVF costs too.
What a sham about the Indian clinics.

You don't have a friend who would incubate? Or your partner? Or are both of you in the same position?

OceanBeach Mon 15-Apr-13 17:34:35

Fingers crossed American that as you already have embryos created your half way there!

givemeaboost Thu 08-Aug-13 01:27:43

hi, I am registered with cots as a surrogate but would like to know how to find the fb surrogates groups please?

SeaWave Thu 15-Aug-13 21:14:02

Hi, I have previously posted on a few surrogacy posts, but regularly name change.
Just wanted to say after starting out my research on mumsnet, went on to match independantly with a TS! TTC at the moment, but hang on in their, it does happen and fingers crossed we will be pregnant before christmas!

nia4321 Sat 17-Aug-13 23:21:13

Hi there, we have a baby through surrogacy in India. She was born in 2010. I was wondering g how long it took for you for the immigration paper works and to get the baby home? We are planning to have a second one soon through host surrogacy in India as it is relatively straight forward and cheap I got my daughter's passport in 3 months.when was yours and how long did it take

Givemesomehope Tue 07-Jan-14 13:43:15

Hi, I've been reading this thread as I am also seeking a SM. My husband and I live in Yorkshire. If anyone thinks they could help, could you please contact me. smile

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