Forced Adoption(191 Posts)
Hi, I'm new to this and wanted to talk about this upsetting situation. Where to start...I will try to make this long story as brief as possible...
My sister's little boy was taken into care a while back due to her drinking and drug use although she always made sure the little one was well looked after. What we thought was a temporary thing has turned into a long drawn out nightmare. The social services are now trying to place him for adoption against her will. My sister dearly wants to be given a chance but the social services are not interested and she hasn't been given any support, just talked down to and belittled. None of the family are in a position to help and I would love to take the child on but my husband is not on board with it so I haven't been able to pursue. I was able to visit him recently and can see he is a very sad and confused child. He loves his mum to bits and they have a lovely bond and it was heart-breaking to hear his foster carer telling him "when you go to your new mummy and daddy". I think it's heartless to tell a young child who is clearly missing his mother that they will be going to a new family. I cannot forget the sadness in his eyes as we said goodbye. Yes my sister has done silly things but she is still young and keeping her away from her child is destroying her. I hate the way SS have handled the whole thing and told lies and had no compassion. They have far too much power and are playing with people's lives. I don't know how they can sleep at night. I understand they have to protect children but how many times have they got it wrong? I am sure with the right support my sister can turn things around but I fear time is running out. Has anyone had a similar experience or any advice?
what does your solicitor say? and if you haven't got a solicitor, please get one urgently, you won't have to pay. If they are saying the reason your child is being adopted is because some of your family don't talk to one another, I don't see how that can possibly be a lawful reason.
Either you and your daughter are the victims of a very serious miscarriage of justice or you desparately need to talk to someone who can explain properly to you what is going on.
I feel for your sister, i am in a close sort of situation.
I had my baby in 2011 i was 15 at this point, i was placed into a foster home during my pregnancy abd developed an amazing relationship with my foster mum to the point she was basically my mum! After giving birth me and my baby got on great, i breast fed and we had a very close bond.
Well social work didnt like the fact i was doing a good job as they wanted to take my baby from me since they found out i was pregnant, so they moved me from my 'mums' into another foster home saying that me and my foster mum weren't getting on?
anyway, me and this new foster carer didn't always see eye to eye, she tried to control everything i did for my daughter and told me i wasn't doing a good job. this upset me as i tried my best for my child, from days of being placed in that foster home i felt low and upset, especially with the way social work and this new foster carer were treating me so i attended a doctors appointment and was diagnosed with depression, now 15 year old mum with depression would you not think i would need some support instead they decided to put in more assesments which was more stress for me, one day me and the carer had a fall out and she called social work next day amd they discussed removing me from my baby! Well that time never worked and to remove me from my baby because i told the carer to back off and let me look after my baby my way which i think is fair? Well 2 weeks later i told her to back off again when sge fed my baby formula behind my back which i feel is very wrong!!! Well i picked up my daughter and walked to the kitchen to take my depression tablets and she followed me and watched my every move i was waiting on the midwife coming and after i took my tablets she came to the door with a social worker which confused me we continued with our meeting and as they were leaving i noticed the carer in the kitchen counting my tablets and this annoyed me so i took my tablets and put them in the cupboard and she took them back out so i grabbed them and threw them on the table as i was upset and walked out with my daughter and went to my room to cool down and social work said i was a danger to my daughteri accept i shouldn't have got upset but i was bullied for so long i couldn't take it, they removed me from my daughter that night she was only 3 months old and she hasnt lived with me since and now social work have there hands on my baby they won't let go, she is now 14 months old and they are attempting to adopt her amd the reason they want her adopted is because some of my family don't talk to some!?
missydeedee, I am not judging or condemning you. In fact, I wasn't talking about you at all, but about the wider situation - which I do know something about.
I'm very sorry you had such a bad time in the care system.
sounds horrific DeeDee I cared for children in care for a bit and saw how sad they were and how their parents were often very loving and deserved more of a chance with SS but had such a battle ahead to be heard and their children really got messed up by unstable living arrangements and paid carers that can never replace unconditional love-even from selfish messed up parents
So glad u have the courage to tell others
So glad you keep hopeful for the future and for others situation to be better than yours and others that were unacceptable
Some people really do annoy me you judge with out knowing any thing and its because of people like that that this country is in the mess it is...people need to get their heads out of the holes they hide them in. SS do not just have involvement with lower class it goes through all the classes....But if and when it happens to you or some one you know would you be quick to condemn people... l lived in care from a young age... the reason been MY MOTHER DIED AND MY FATHER WENT TO PIECES... NO ABUSE THERE. Most of my time in their system was hell abused in foster care and in the childrens home.. so until you know do not base your opinions on what you do not know. I HAVE LIVED THEIR HELL. SO DO NOT DO ME THE INJUSTICE OF CONDEMNING ME WITHOUT KNOWING ME OR THE TRUTH.
It is sad that your husband refuses to be an uncle to his nephew- his nephew didnt ask to be put in care
What if that boy were him- luckily he will never feel what your nephew must daily have to endure
you have needs, values and principles too, what about your husband honouring your principles of forgiving your sister, valuing family and above all providing a stable, loving home for your nephew. Very understandable you feel sad your husband and mother-in-law are not wanting to love, protect and provide stability for their nephew/grand-child's cousin.
I hope your sister can turn the corner and win against her addiction-great she is really trying, hope she keeps tying even if she stumbles at times
best wishes and hope you are able to continue seeing your nephew-lovely you are wanting the best for him now and in the future, maybe you can provide a loving auntie (and cousins to play with) for him over the years
Your point of view comes from someone who has SS in their lives and those of your family, I'll say no more!!!!!
missydeedee, when they say a child is at risk of harm, that doesn't mean there is a theoretical possibility of harm. It means that there is evidence that makes it reasonably likely that a child will be harmed. Usually that evidence comes from past treatment to older siblings, with no change in lifestyle that would suggest the parent won't continue behaving in the same way.
So, very common situation: mother abuses drugs and alcohol and has a series of violent partners. Children are neglected, perhaps abused, and eventually go into care. Mother gets pregnant, still using drugs and alcohol, maybe living in a crack den, with a life full of violence and instability. Baby is born. Mother resists support offered to her. True, she may not have harmed the child yet. But it is not crystal ball gazing for a reasonable person to conclude that child is at risk of harm, is it?
Sorry l would like to add this, it is now the ss are going in and now saying ( A CHILD COULD BE AT RISK OF HARM OR SIGNIFICANT HARM) not that they are at the present time been harmed etc, so what does that say..l am just very concerned at where this is leading. Do they have a glass ball and can foresee the future. They are aiming at the less severe ,what about the children who are beaten or worse..some have died... this is a sad world.
my nieces am afraid where adopted though unlucky for them their adopted parents were not nice people,they were both abused in more ways than one and that is not all ,l know of quite a few people who have suffered by their hands and in their hands..My daughter is having to fight for her son,l have had involvement so l can say as a fact what l have stated is true.There are children out there who are beaten or worse, but can they really justify taking a child for something so silly,in alot of cases they need to try in some cases to help more. l see from all sides but feel strongly that more needs to be done. I AM GLAD THAT THERE ARE SOME GOOD PEOPLE OUT THERE,but there are always two sides to a story...not everything is has the ss say in alot of cases. there is good and bad every where its just sad that children do suffer in more ways than one...and families too.
Doubt it. Never seen any evidence myself....
No one denies there are a small minority of cases in which perhaps the wrong decisions were made
But I am very glad we have a system which allows the children to be put before adults. Try telling my eldest DC that she shouldn't have been adopted because her original parents were (very) against it, and see what response you get
These are not assertions,these are facts...This is going on... You want evidence go out and speak to some people,families,,, but there again you cant because in these cases you can not talk about any cases going through family courts,,,why are they so secretive... But they can then give out info, when advertising the children in adoption magazines...the evidence is there listen to people and their stories,not everyone lies.
That is very interesting, missydeedee. Do you have evidence for any of your assertions?
l do not believe any child should be adopted if the parents or child do not want this....forced adoption and closed courts should be stopped...Social services need to concentrate more on children that have been seriously harmed instead of targeting those for lesser reasons...seriously they use you not taking your children to surestart or your child has developed nappy rash as reasons of neglect,this is preposterous but it is going on...l do not think any one is safe from them.Some people will comment and say you deserve it but if it turned out that they where targeted their views would change. Not every one who has ss involvement are bad parents but they in a lot of cases are been made out to be unfit. When is their(THE SSs ) tyrannical reign going to stop. Even one judge has likened the ss to Stalin and Chairman Mao and that says it all....
Eilum - I find it really hard to believe you were a social worker to be honest.
"I seldom met a child who did not wish to live with their parents or other family members, often despite quite dreadful circumstances." - this isn't news to anyone surely and can't possibly be a reason to keep children in "dreadful circumstances". I don't think there is a legal basis for removing a child because a parent doesn't love them enough, but as is so often quoted at adoptive paretns and its equally true of birth parents "love is not enough".
"I do hope you are given the chance to keep in touch with him - it could be his emotional lifeline" I'm very pro birth family contact but "emotional lifeline" - a bit dramatic.
I don't think either social workers or adoptive parents see adoption as a 'golden panacea'. In fact, preparation for adoption is pretty much a dripfeed of everything that could possibly go wrong.
Having said that, adoption has given me a wonderful daughter, and has given her parents who love her, a warm safe home, books and toys, stability and security - none of which have ever been possible for her birth siblings. Whatever the future brings, I can't believe that won't set her up for life better than the alternative. Sometimes, when we're being 'realistic' about adoption, we forget that.
The other day there was a little girl on breakfast tv, she was 8 and said she just wished the social workers had cared more about getting her away from her awful home life and into a normal family than trying to keep her dysfunctional family together! That from an 8 year old!
I work in CAMHS and see the result of kids brought up by addicts and its not pretty, the damage is everlasting, lots go on to be addicts themselves or make bad choices at an early age to get away or end up being the parent, an awful responsibility to have to take on!
SW rarely take kids away and when they do more often than not it is for a good reason, their first responsibility is to the child and it us an awful situation for your sister to be in but even on methadone she is still an addict, just to a legal form of the drug she was addicted to.
As much as you love your nephew you must understand that being with a drug free loving family is much better than having to cope with the uncertainty of what having an addict as a mother brings.
Eilum..... I am wondering why, for your first post on MN you choose to reserect an old thread to tell us we are all about to destroy our whole family be adopting. We are aware of the percentage of adoptions that break down, but it is not a huge number.
I feel very patronised by your post.
Syd, as a retired social worker I have to say that, strangely, the profession do not have a culture where the deep bond felt by a child to its mother, and then to the extended family is taken into account enough. I seldom met a child who did not wish to live with their parents or other family members, often despite quite dreadful circumstances. I also taught social work practice in a college and was often considered out on a limb when I said what I found to be true regarding these matters. It seems to me that the efforts and resources (incl money) should be put into supporting families to stay together. There are few wealthy families where forced adoptions take place. Just another thing, not widely known - many adoptions are not permanent - they 'break down' and children end up back in the merrygoround of care facilities. Adoption is not the golden panacea that is imagined and can detroy whole families in one fell swoop. I am not in any way underestimating the difficulties of addiction and all that you have so honestly described. Just want to say bless you for your love and concern for this little boy and his mum. I do hope you are given the chance to keep in touch with him - it could be his emotional lifeline. With much love x
birth mother not birth month! Sorry Syd it's late and I'm dozy!
When I said he will make contact with you, I meant via your sister, although maybe if you have left a letter on record for him then he may contact you - I'm not an adopter and so not sure how it works.
All the best.
Syd really wish you all the best for the future, and for your sister and your nephew. He will all always be your nephew and he will always be your sister's birth child. I really do hope your sister can turn things around, and I agree with maryz that it would be good for her to be the birth month that your nephew can be proud of. One day I feel sure he will make contact again with her, and you; I hope you will both be able to have that relationship with him then.
You have shown yourself to be a very caring person and I hope that you can now have some peace about this whole situation.
God Bless you and your wider family.
I will try and look in from time to time if you ever feel the need to talk.
Syd, you sound like such a lovely lady. I really hope you and your sister can find some peace, and that your nephew is settling well with a loving and wise family who can guide him through the years ahead.
Pu41, I feel odd about responding to you on Syd's thread, but will happily do so if you want to start another thread. All best.
Thanks NanaNina, I'm starting to come to terms with it now. It has been dragging for so long, that in a way, I'm almost relieved it's come to a conclusion so we can try to move on. My sister hasn't opened up much about how she's feeling and ends up getting defensive when I try to talk to her about things but I imagine she's hurting really bad. I've found it helpful to share my thoughts on here albeit "with a crowd of strangers on the internet" as Maryz recently put it - and Maryz I hope your son manages to turns things around, I know what you must be going through.
Also want to thank those of you who have followed my thread - kewcumber, Maryz, Italiangreyhound, hester, Lilka and others, even melvin/whoever who I think was trying to be helpful even if he's rubbed others up the wrong way!
Sorry Syd cus I don't want to detract from your post but I must endorse what Spero has said about PU41's post. As for the amounts of money he quotes that is paid to the professionals, this is simply ludicrous. I don't know what he means by "seeing the legal aid forms" and knowing that these sorts of costs are involved. I don't know what psychologists are paid, nor lawyers, but as an independent social worker I can say quite definitely that I was paid £1,200 for assessing foster carers/adoptors and that entailed around 6 visits to applicants, 2 visits to referees, liaison with all the professionals involved and writing the report which could take up to 20 hours, and then a half day at the LA fostering panel.
I did also do ISW parenting assessments for court via an agency and I was paid £35.00 per hour, and I don't this is excessive. I can assure PU that on average I would receive around £1,500 for these cases. Mind the agency I worked for did very well out of it. These figures of psychologists being paid £18,000 per case is ridiculous. CGs are paid around £30 an hour too.
I promise I won't respond to Pu again because I realise this is detracting from the thread, although Syd sadly you have come to the end of the road with your nephew, and hope that you will have some good support over the coming months when you are bound to be feeling very low.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.