Forced Adoption

(191 Posts)
Syd35 Sun 19-Sep-10 18:27:02

Hi, I'm new to this and wanted to talk about this upsetting situation. Where to start...I will try to make this long story as brief as possible...
My sister's little boy was taken into care a while back due to her drinking and drug use although she always made sure the little one was well looked after. What we thought was a temporary thing has turned into a long drawn out nightmare. The social services are now trying to place him for adoption against her will. My sister dearly wants to be given a chance but the social services are not interested and she hasn't been given any support, just talked down to and belittled. None of the family are in a position to help and I would love to take the child on but my husband is not on board with it so I haven't been able to pursue. I was able to visit him recently and can see he is a very sad and confused child. He loves his mum to bits and they have a lovely bond and it was heart-breaking to hear his foster carer telling him "when you go to your new mummy and daddy". I think it's heartless to tell a young child who is clearly missing his mother that they will be going to a new family. I cannot forget the sadness in his eyes as we said goodbye. Yes my sister has done silly things but she is still young and keeping her away from her child is destroying her. I hate the way SS have handled the whole thing and told lies and had no compassion. They have far too much power and are playing with people's lives. I don't know how they can sleep at night. I understand they have to protect children but how many times have they got it wrong? I am sure with the right support my sister can turn things around but I fear time is running out. Has anyone had a similar experience or any advice?

Kewcumber Sat 10-Nov-12 10:24:44

Eilum - I find it really hard to believe you were a social worker to be honest.

"I seldom met a child who did not wish to live with their parents or other family members, often despite quite dreadful circumstances." - this isn't news to anyone surely and can't possibly be a reason to keep children in "dreadful circumstances". I don't think there is a legal basis for removing a child because a parent doesn't love them enough, but as is so often quoted at adoptive paretns and its equally true of birth parents "love is not enough".

"I do hope you are given the chance to keep in touch with him - it could be his emotional lifeline" I'm very pro birth family contact but "emotional lifeline" hmm - a bit dramatic.

missydeedee Tue 18-Dec-12 14:58:42

l do not believe any child should be adopted if the parents or child do not want this....forced adoption and closed courts should be stopped...Social services need to concentrate more on children that have been seriously harmed instead of targeting those for lesser reasons...seriously they use you not taking your children to surestart or your child has developed nappy rash as reasons of neglect,this is preposterous but it is going on...l do not think any one is safe from them.Some people will comment and say you deserve it but if it turned out that they where targeted their views would change. Not every one who has ss involvement are bad parents but they in a lot of cases are been made out to be unfit. When is their(THE SSs ) tyrannical reign going to stop. Even one judge has likened the ss to Stalin and Chairman Mao and that says it all....

Devora Tue 18-Dec-12 19:13:09

That is very interesting, missydeedee. Do you have evidence for any of your assertions?

missydeedee Tue 18-Dec-12 21:16:02

These are not assertions,these are facts...This is going on... You want evidence go out and speak to some people,families,,, but there again you cant because in these cases you can not talk about any cases going through family courts,,,why are they so secretive... But they can then give out info, when advertising the children in adoption magazines...the evidence is there listen to people and their stories,not everyone lies.

Devora Tue 18-Dec-12 22:02:05

So... no evidence then?

Lilka Tue 18-Dec-12 22:25:13

Doubt it. Never seen any evidence myself....

No one denies there are a small minority of cases in which perhaps the wrong decisions were made

But I am very glad we have a system which allows the children to be put before adults. Try telling my eldest DC that she shouldn't have been adopted because her original parents were (very) against it, and see what response you get

missydeedee Wed 19-Dec-12 14:43:27

my nieces am afraid where adopted though unlucky for them their adopted parents were not nice people,they were both abused in more ways than one and that is not all ,l know of quite a few people who have suffered by their hands and in their hands..My daughter is having to fight for her son,l have had involvement so l can say as a fact what l have stated is true.There are children out there who are beaten or worse, but can they really justify taking a child for something so silly,in alot of cases they need to try in some cases to help more. l see from all sides but feel strongly that more needs to be done. I AM GLAD THAT THERE ARE SOME GOOD PEOPLE OUT THERE,but there are always two sides to a story...not everything is has the ss say in alot of cases. there is good and bad every where its just sad that children do suffer in more ways than one...and families too.

missydeedee Wed 19-Dec-12 14:56:13

Sorry l would like to add this, it is now the ss are going in and now saying ( A CHILD COULD BE AT RISK OF HARM OR SIGNIFICANT HARM) not that they are at the present time been harmed etc, so what does that say..l am just very concerned at where this is leading. Do they have a glass ball and can foresee the future. They are aiming at the less severe ,what about the children who are beaten or worse..some have died... this is a sad world.

Devora Wed 19-Dec-12 22:59:19

missydeedee, when they say a child is at risk of harm, that doesn't mean there is a theoretical possibility of harm. It means that there is evidence that makes it reasonably likely that a child will be harmed. Usually that evidence comes from past treatment to older siblings, with no change in lifestyle that would suggest the parent won't continue behaving in the same way.

So, very common situation: mother abuses drugs and alcohol and has a series of violent partners. Children are neglected, perhaps abused, and eventually go into care. Mother gets pregnant, still using drugs and alcohol, maybe living in a crack den, with a life full of violence and instability. Baby is born. Mother resists support offered to her. True, she may not have harmed the child yet. But it is not crystal ball gazing for a reasonable person to conclude that child is at risk of harm, is it?

funnychic Thu 20-Dec-12 06:33:31

Missdeedee

Your point of view comes from someone who has SS in their lives and those of your family, I'll say no more!!!!!

Sweetiesmum Thu 20-Dec-12 06:36:03

It is sad that your husband refuses to be an uncle to his nephew- his nephew didnt ask to be put in care
What if that boy were him- luckily he will never feel what your nephew must daily have to endure
you have needs, values and principles too, what about your husband honouring your principles of forgiving your sister, valuing family and above all providing a stable, loving home for your nephew. Very understandable you feel sad your husband and mother-in-law are not wanting to love, protect and provide stability for their nephew/grand-child's cousin.
I hope your sister can turn the corner and win against her addiction-great she is really trying, hope she keeps tying even if she stumbles at times

best wishes and hope you are able to continue seeing your nephew-lovely you are wanting the best for him now and in the future, maybe you can provide a loving auntie (and cousins to play with) for him over the years

missydeedee Thu 20-Dec-12 08:23:31

Some people really do annoy me you judge with out knowing any thing and its because of people like that that this country is in the mess it is...people need to get their heads out of the holes they hide them in. SS do not just have involvement with lower class it goes through all the classes....But if and when it happens to you or some one you know would you be quick to condemn people... l lived in care from a young age... the reason been MY MOTHER DIED AND MY FATHER WENT TO PIECES... NO ABUSE THERE. Most of my time in their system was hell abused in foster care and in the childrens home.. so until you know do not base your opinions on what you do not know. I HAVE LIVED THEIR HELL. SO DO NOT DO ME THE INJUSTICE OF CONDEMNING ME WITHOUT KNOWING ME OR THE TRUTH.

Sweetiesmum Thu 20-Dec-12 11:03:42

sounds horrific DeeDee I cared for children in care for a bit and saw how sad they were and how their parents were often very loving and deserved more of a chance with SS but had such a battle ahead to be heard and their children really got messed up by unstable living arrangements and paid carers that can never replace unconditional love-even from selfish messed up parents
So glad u have the courage to tell others
So glad you keep hopeful for the future and for others situation to be better than yours and others that were unacceptable

Devora Thu 20-Dec-12 23:51:58

missydeedee, I am not judging or condemning you. In fact, I wasn't talking about you at all, but about the wider situation - which I do know something about.

I'm very sorry you had such a bad time in the care system.

BlayreMackellar Mon 28-Jan-13 19:03:31

I feel for your sister, i am in a close sort of situation.
I had my baby in 2011 i was 15 at this point, i was placed into a foster home during my pregnancy abd developed an amazing relationship with my foster mum to the point she was basically my mum! After giving birth me and my baby got on great, i breast fed and we had a very close bond.
Well social work didnt like the fact i was doing a good job as they wanted to take my baby from me since they found out i was pregnant, so they moved me from my 'mums' into another foster home saying that me and my foster mum weren't getting on?
anyway, me and this new foster carer didn't always see eye to eye, she tried to control everything i did for my daughter and told me i wasn't doing a good job. this upset me as i tried my best for my child, from days of being placed in that foster home i felt low and upset, especially with the way social work and this new foster carer were treating me so i attended a doctors appointment and was diagnosed with depression, now 15 year old mum with depression would you not think i would need some support instead they decided to put in more assesments which was more stress for me, one day me and the carer had a fall out and she called social work next day amd they discussed removing me from my baby! Well that time never worked and to remove me from my baby because i told the carer to back off and let me look after my baby my way which i think is fair? Well 2 weeks later i told her to back off again when sge fed my baby formula behind my back which i feel is very wrong!!! Well i picked up my daughter and walked to the kitchen to take my depression tablets and she followed me and watched my every move i was waiting on the midwife coming and after i took my tablets she came to the door with a social worker which confused me we continued with our meeting and as they were leaving i noticed the carer in the kitchen counting my tablets and this annoyed me so i took my tablets and put them in the cupboard and she took them back out so i grabbed them and threw them on the table as i was upset and walked out with my daughter and went to my room to cool down and social work said i was a danger to my daughteri accept i shouldn't have got upset but i was bullied for so long i couldn't take it, they removed me from my daughter that night she was only 3 months old and she hasnt lived with me since and now social work have there hands on my baby they won't let go, she is now 14 months old and they are attempting to adopt her amd the reason they want her adopted is because some of my family don't talk to some!?

Spero Mon 28-Jan-13 19:06:58

what does your solicitor say? and if you haven't got a solicitor, please get one urgently, you won't have to pay. If they are saying the reason your child is being adopted is because some of your family don't talk to one another, I don't see how that can possibly be a lawful reason.

Either you and your daughter are the victims of a very serious miscarriage of justice or you desparately need to talk to someone who can explain properly to you what is going on.

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