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'Man Sends Wife Spreadsheet Of All Her Excuses Not To Have Sex'.

(253 Posts)
PlumpPartridge Mon 21-Jul-14 23:04:05

'cos yes, that's totally going to make her want you hmm

www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/21/man-wife-spreadsheet-sex_n_5605670.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

And there are apparently people who think he's hard done by. Jesus wept.

Since when was 'Because I don't want to' NOT a valid reason?

elQuintoConyo Mon 21-Jul-14 23:18:48

Fuck me, that's awful. What a sad little wanker.

Sorry for the language, I'm aghast.

SiennaBlake Mon 21-Jul-14 23:20:11

I saw this. Quite horrible if it's real but reddit does get its fair share of trolls too.

It's quite depressing how some people think he was fair to do it and basically think he deserves sex from her.

RubySparks Mon 21-Jul-14 23:20:45

Was excuse no. 1 'because you are the sort of twat who makes up spreadsheets'!

AuntBeru Mon 21-Jul-14 23:26:33

What a numpty.

PinkSquash Mon 21-Jul-14 23:28:45

What a wanker.

Wow. he was demanding sees virtually every day, and people sided with him?

The world is full of idiots.

GiniCooper Mon 21-Jul-14 23:31:27

Well, he certainly made a point.
Mainly he was lucky to get ANY action, tosser.

MyFairyKing Mon 21-Jul-14 23:32:52

There is no evidence that he was "demanding", for heavens sake! They have a communication issue, not a sex issue.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Mon 21-Jul-14 23:33:46

It's a wonder she wasn't ripping his clothes off every night, he sounds like a charmer.

RabidFairy Mon 21-Jul-14 23:37:39

By my count he asked her nearly every day. Including days after they had sex. And then that shitty, cowardly way of shaming her publicly for not being a dutiful woman and putting out whenever HE wanted sex. Utterly horrible behaviour from him.

He didn't shame her publicly though, she posted it online.

It does seem an arsey way to behave though. Complain at the time, don't keep notes about it.

Communication is the issue here.

lettertoherms Tue 22-Jul-14 00:04:53

The comments on the article are sickening.

Fuck, the world is depressing sometimes.

I read that on buzzfeed a few days ago. Even if it originated from a troll the responses it got are repulsive. Maybe someone cleverly fabricated it to shit stir or just to see if the sexist, controlling wankers would out themselves... I hope that's what it is because I'm hoping against hope that there really isn't a man out there who believes he should have that kind of control/ownership over his wife's body.

PurplePunkPrincess Tue 22-Jul-14 01:58:14

I saw it on Facebook, if I was her I would use it in the divorce! One of the reasons, she felt gross after being at the gym but didn't shower until the next day. Maybe she was tired, just because she was happy to sleep like that does not mean she would also be happy getting intimate, don't think he would have given a damn, if my dp ever did this I would regret everytime I had said yes!

Do you think he has ever stopped, looked at these excuses and thought " I wonder if the problem is me?" I doubt it.

What a strange,sad, organised fellow he is.
I wonder if he made a graph with the data? I enjoy a good graph. Very visual.

mathanxiety Tue 22-Jul-14 03:00:19

I like what the wife wrote and I am happy for her that she posted it online. I would hazard a guess that he will find it hard to get a date after the divorce unless he has a taste for women whose self esteem is in the toilet. He comes across as a good deal less attractive than a three day old pile of dishes in the sink.
I underlined some of what she said:

'Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since June 1st, with a column for my 'excuses,' using verbatim quotes of why I didn't feel like having sex at that very moment '
It seems from that that her experience of his approaches was that he was not exactly a master of the suave approach.

And I like the editorial position too:
'Regardless of who is right and who is wrong, the sexual entitlement here is pretty undeniable. So is the immaturity.'

And this man seems to have it figured out too:
"I'm not a marriage counselor," writes Bob Powers of Someecards, "but I'm pretty sure that if you and the spouse aren't sleeping together as much as you'd like, the way to turn her on is not with passive-aggressive use of Microsoft Office."

I get the feeling she was sparing his feelings all those times she said she needed a shower and then didn't take one. The one reason she didn't say out loud was that he is horrible in bed.

PlumpPartridge Tue 22-Jul-14 06:53:47

Yes, I liked the editorial position too.

differentnameforthis Tue 22-Jul-14 09:07:23

I wonder if he realises that she made all those excuse because she just didn't want to but didn't feel safe enough to vocalise that!

What a catch he is.

FolknNorah Tue 22-Jul-14 09:16:50

I saw this on fb too yesterday. Lovely.

halfwildlingwoman Tue 22-Jul-14 09:29:03

3 times in 7 weeks? He's not that badly off. He should be fucking grateful any woman EVER agrees to have sex with him. Depressing.
Perhaps a spreadsheet of the compliments he has paid her, the housework he has done, the little gestures such as running her a bath might help explain her reluctance.

katienana Tue 22-Jul-14 09:29:28

This is a pretty good example of what not to do, it's tough if your sex drives don't match up but he should have talked to her about it. I think once you've turned sex down and got a bit of attitude back it makes you less keen to do it the next time. So I doubt if she will ever want to have sex with him again.
I think it's minging to not shower after the gym though, the sheets would stink!

WineAndChocolateyummy Tue 22-Jul-14 11:23:19

Maybe I am taking this too seriously but.....
Whilst I totally agree it is her body and she has the right to decide when she wants to participate, this spreadsheet was meant to be just between them. Perhaps a poor choice of communication tool, but at least he tried, and I would imagine it must have been desperation that led him to do it. It is a reflection of how he was feeling.... I doubt very much they got together on the day before and he woke up and thought, hey let me keep a spreadsheet. Equally, if it had been a diary that he had shown her about his feelings (or hers if situation reversed), would this have been blown up into such a big thing. No, if that had been made public, then it would have been an issued about a betrayed trust of privacy.

Instead of posting it for the world to see, maybe she should have stopped for a moment and thought why did he do this. It might not change anything, but now I guess they are both feeling very resentful. What would everyone be saying if he had gone out and got it elsewhere?

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 11:28:25

3 times in 7 weeks?!?! No wonder he's frustrated lol he may have gone about it the wrong way - but she made it public!!!

PlumpPartridge Tue 22-Jul-14 11:49:07

She made it public because it's just so twattish to keep a calendar!!

The only thing the wife was being unreasonable with was in NOT saying 'You're right, they're poor excuses. I just didn't want to. I should have said that. Apologies for the poor communication.'

He is also judging her excuses to 'not be good enough', which is a Big-Ben-sized warning bell hmm

wubwubwub Tue 22-Jul-14 11:50:22

I'm pretty sure if this was a woman recording this about her husband you'd all be "What a tosser that bloke is"

wubwubwub Tue 22-Jul-14 11:51:57

and if I was the husband I'd be feeling pretty bloody awful that my wife doesn't want to have sex with me and keeps rejecting me.

CaptainTrollolololol Tue 22-Jul-14 11:56:38

Oh boo hoo that poor man not getting access to his wife's vagina! Especially when he married her so now he DESERVES it!

hmm

MrsWinnibago Tue 22-Jul-14 11:57:32

Bonnie 3 times in 7 weeks is adequate for some people. What's wrong with that!

Lovecat Tue 22-Jul-14 11:57:48

Oh dear Lord. And you notice the "excuse" for the day AFTER they'd had sex was that she 'still felt tender'? shock

WTAF was he doing to her?? No wonder she didn't want to dtd!

elfycat Tue 22-Jul-14 12:02:07

If that were us the next spreadsheet would read

10-8-14 No Because you're a wankbadger
11-8-14 No Because you're a wankbadger
etc

That approach is just soooo sexy.

ArrivedAtPanicStation Tue 22-Jul-14 12:02:53

Oh god, what a tosser.

Unbelievable

PlumpPartridge Tue 22-Jul-14 12:06:28

DH tried to be funny this morning when I told him about this.

He said: 'Well, of COURSE the poor man is upset. I don't ask the kettle if it wants to boil, I don't ask the toaster if it wants to toast. I certainly shouldn't have to ask my wife if she wants to have sex - she shouldn't have an opinion on the matter.'

So I locked him in the toilet with his stinky bowels grin

RabidFairy Tue 22-Jul-14 12:12:11

Oh yes, my mistake. I've been seeing this everywhere I forgot that she made it public.

I am genuinely gobsmacked at the amount of people (mostly elsewhere) that think she was such a terrible person for not having sex whenever he wanted.

BravePotato Tue 22-Jul-14 12:13:35

If a man is continually rejected by his wife it is cos:

- he is selfish/rubbish in bed, this puts her off
- he sees sex as something she ought to do for him, cos she owes him sex, this puts her off.
- he never helps with kids/home and makes her feel like a skivvy. This puts her off
- his idea of foreplay is "it's been a week, let's fuck, or are you being a frigid cow again?" This puts her off...oddly

What the guy does not realise is that his wife nit wanting sex with him, says a lot about HIM. Not so much about her.

Women are sexual beings, like men, if they don't want sex with you it is because you are rubbish, in bed and in life.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 12:19:18

The fact that the word "excuses" is being used speaks volumes.

Excuse - a reason or explanation given to justify a fault or offence.

Since when was not wanting sex a fault or offence?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Tue 22-Jul-14 12:27:52

Setting aside the fact that having a spreadsheet about this at all is utterly shitty - I was most bothered by the fact that he feels his wife's "excuses" are not good enough!

Since when has a good enough excuse been a requirement? "I don't want to" or "not tonight" is adequate.

wubwubwub Tue 22-Jul-14 12:39:29

Who says the woman is innocent in this? Maybe she doesn't want sex with him because she's cheating? If a woman was keeping this record about her husband, a lot of people would be going" He's getting it elsewhere... leave him now"

Double standards here on Mumsnet.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Tue 22-Jul-14 12:42:32

How come she didn't have a period in all that time? That would've accounted for 5 days' excuses at least!

wubwubwub Tue 22-Jul-14 12:44:34

she might be on the pill.

CallieG Tue 22-Jul-14 12:46:15

His idea of "Initiating " sex is probably lumping in front of the TV all night and then slapping her on the bum and saying" How about a bit luv" 5 minutes before he wants to go to sleep. Here is an idea, stop badgering the poor woman for sex and show her some non sexual affection, pour her a glass of wine, put her feet up, do the dishes , put the kids to bed, for women Dancing IS foreplay, Epic Failure as a husband "How to destroy the trust & intimacy in your relationship in one stupid spreadsheet". Dumass.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Tue 22-Jul-14 12:46:43

I'm sure there are plenty of reasons women don't want to have sex on a particular day. But they aren't excuses. Needing an 'excuse' to say no implies that 'yes' is the default position.

Having sex with someone who isn't into it, and is doing it out of obligation or feeling pressured is the least sexy and enjoyable thing ever.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Tue 22-Jul-14 12:58:08

You still have periods on the pill, wubwubwub, but you'll know that, since your posts on this thread clearly show you are an adult female grin

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Tue 22-Jul-14 12:59:46

^hahaha

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Tue 22-Jul-14 13:01:21

Yes, CallieG, as it stands the spreadsheet is just an exercise in accountancy.

Now if the columns were 'What I did to initiate sex' and 'Result', it would be a scientific experiment and Mr Spreadsheet might actually learn something.

wubwubwub Tue 22-Jul-14 13:02:05

I actually am an adult female, I just know absolutely nothing about the pill as I don't take it nor have ever looked into it. I have zero knowledge of it. Sorry, I did not realise you still had periods whilst on the pill. blush

I'm not saying what he did was right, I'm just saying from a different perspective the reactions would have been completely different.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Tue 22-Jul-14 13:05:27

If a woman was keeping this record, most people who say 'what a douche'.

Much like they are here.

Trapper Tue 22-Jul-14 13:07:25

I think he should have used a pastel shaded table, and a histogram to soften the impact.

SiennaBlake Tue 22-Jul-14 13:13:51

Reactions wouldn't be different from the other perspective. If a woman had done this people would point out how bloody creepy and weird it is too.

I think wub is the husband grin

wubwubwub Tue 22-Jul-14 13:17:20

^grin

eurochick Tue 22-Jul-14 13:18:31

"I'm not a marriage counselor," writes Bob Powers of Someecards, "but I'm pretty sure that if you and the spouse aren't sleeping together as much as you'd like, the way to turn her on is not with passive-aggressive use of Microsoft Office."

^This pretty much sums it up for me.

BomChickaMeowMeow Tue 22-Jul-14 13:22:22

I mean, I know they are both in their twenties but still, they are both working and busy, and if they are married presumably they have been together a while. You might be all over one another at first but then- seriously, there are other things in life to attend to other than having sex.

The fact he expected sex, and asked EVERY NIGHT just for starters. I have never had sex every night in any relationship, ever. When DH and I first lived together the maximum was probably every other night! When I had non-live in boyfriends previously I only saw them once or twice a week.

When you move in with someone you give up quite a lot of personal space and boundaries, and the last thing you want is someone pawing you all the time.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Tue 22-Jul-14 14:08:16

We also don't know what his general behaviour is. My stbx, for example, was not happy with the idea that we were not having sex at all for quite some time. It didn't occur to him that I was not attracted to the him after seeing him verbally and physically abuse myself and the dcs. Nothing gets you out of the mood quite so quickly as someone shouting obscenities at a 4yo (and then at you when you step in to stop him) or lobbing something across the room at you when they're angry. Yep, really a turn on. Not.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Tue 22-Jul-14 14:09:56

IMO his whole take on this, including the "entitled" viewpoint, the spreadsheet with all the "excuses"... just REEKS of him being a controlling arse.

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 14:34:23

I'm still a bit tender from yesterday

Bloody hell. No wonder she doesn't want to have sex.

tweety89 Tue 22-Jul-14 14:42:06

3 times in 7 weeks, going to the gym a lot, working a lot (went on a business trip when she received the email...)...simples! She might have found another one and he is probably just stating the obvious...
IMHO whoever said there is a communication problem is right. She shouldn't have just posted his email anywhere. Maybe call him (?). Plus, he might have wanted to send her this before start looking for another woman (?).
P.S. I wish my DH asked me to have sex every night (or every other night)! smile grin blush wine wine

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Tue 22-Jul-14 14:59:56

Plus, he might have wanted to send her this before start looking for another woman

Seriously? I would expect an adult to simply initiate a discussion about it, rather than blaming her. And if she is not willing to discuss it and he feels he wants to end the relationship, then end it. This passive aggressive "blame game" is childish and won't help their relationship at all.

EduCated Tue 22-Jul-14 15:20:51

It says it all that he sees these as 'excuses' rather than plain old reasons.

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 15:41:16

If my husband considered sending me a passive-aggressive, demanding Excel spreadsheet as giving me a chance before he "looked for another woman", I wouldn't even want him as a friend, never mind as a sexual partner.

Besides, the twit can't even widen spreadsheet columns. Just look at that column C.

Trapper Tue 22-Jul-14 16:31:09

"I'm not a marriage counselor," writes Bob Powers of Someecards, "but I'm pretty sure that if you and the spouse aren't sleeping together as much as you'd like, the way to turn her on is not with passive-aggressive use of Microsoft Office."

Maybe he should try GoogleDocs? grin

jellycat Tue 22-Jul-14 17:08:31

I'm not going to comment on this, because most of the things I would have said have been said already upthread, except to say I make it 3 times in just under 4 weeks, not in 7 weeks. Seems pretty normal to me!

tweety89 Tue 22-Jul-14 17:36:13

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore I initially said that there is no communication between the couple anyway. And I also mentioned that it seems that she's probably found another man as well. I honestly don't think that it's only the guy's fault; that's all.

BomChickaMeowMeow Tue 22-Jul-14 17:49:23

If you have sex with your husband 3 times in 4 weeks I wouldn't assume that meant you had found another man. As I said before once you are out of the early phase of a relationship, there are other things to do than be all over one another all the time. Like work, household chores, hobbies etc.

BomChickaMeowMeow Tue 22-Jul-14 17:50:14

Also has it never just occurred to him to have a wank?

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 17:56:36

it seems that she's probably found another man as well.

Based on what? The frequency of their sex-life? Seriously?

I mean, have you looked at her entirely reasonable reasons?

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 17:59:12

Not that "I don't want to" isn't a reasonable reason, but one night she didn't want to because she wouldn't have time to have a shower and get re-dressed for dinner.

He commented that they had twenty minutes. hmm

ZanyMobster Tue 22-Jul-14 18:05:52

They are surely both in the wrong here, when I was with my XH I used to come up with 'excuses' like this, I just didn't fancy him and he was also an arse, really what I should have done is told him the truth. He most definitely should not have kept notes (or expected sex every day) and she should not have posted it online.

Now with DH I would just say I was not up for it or tired if I didn't want to, no need for random reasons as I feel comfortable enough to tell the truth with him.

ZanyMobster Tue 22-Jul-14 18:07:57

Do you really believe they are genuine reasons? It really sounds as if she doesn't want to have sex with him - understandably I would say, but I don't buy some of them.

BomChickaMeowMeow Tue 22-Jul-14 18:10:57

I think the main reason is that he is pestering her for sex every day. If he asked twice a week he'd probably actually get it more often.

ZanyMobster Tue 22-Jul-14 18:14:40

Bom I think you may be right as that is how I felt with XH at times, he was very vain so always wanted to know if I fancied him so I felt I needed to make excuses when he wanted sex, even when I told him to leave and that I didn't love him he asked me if I still fancied him though.

tweety89 Tue 22-Jul-14 18:15:16

QueenTilly, as ZanyMobster said above, it's based on her excuses mostly.
Coming back from the gym, feeling 'gross' and don't have a shower until the next morning? Really...Some of the excuses are not real excuses.
Also, according to researches (and from personal experience), normally people who exercise often have more appetite for sex anyway.

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 18:17:25

They sound quite possibly genuine, yes.
I still love DH, and I'm not much older than this woman, but I don't want to have sex when I feel sweaty and gross, exhausted, ill, watching TV, or uncomfortably full.

I can assure you I don't have another man.

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 18:22:34

tweety Feeling gross is a perfectly valid reason for not feeling like sex! Regardless of whether she decides to have the shower next morning or that night.

Incidentally, some people are on a water meter, you know, so might not want to be having an evening shower when they'll be having a morning shower anyway.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 18:24:16

Totally agree, Bom. Part of the problem was the guy asking every day - possibly as part of his spreadsheet building - giving her no space to, I dunno, have a chance to initiate.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 18:25:09

Wow!! A lot of people seem to have incredibly dull sex lives!!!

mathanxiety Tue 22-Jul-14 18:25:52

WineAndChocolate -- I don't think it makes it any better that the spreadsheet was supposed to be private. The spreadsheet bespeaks the entitlement attitude and that is a big problem. It also reveals the immaturity (because you can't have entitlement without immaturity). And the lack of awareness of how sexual relationships actually work.

When she said those were her reasons why she didn't want to have sex that minute I think she just about said it all about him and where he was going wrong.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 18:29:20

I wonder how many of those reasons she was pushed into giving as well ie did she first say, "oh, err, no thanks" and get met with a "why not?"

ZanyMobster Tue 22-Jul-14 18:32:36

This is the trouble, we actually don't really know that much about the situation, she could well have been met with a 'why not?' That would be enough to make me not want to have sex very often with someone.

I really don't they sound genuine reasons, if you felt gross but wanted to have sex then a shower would solve it so surely you would have a shower, if on the other hand you just did not want to have sex then the reason has nothing to do with feeling gross and just to do with not wanting to, feeling unwell is totally different.

I just feel that in my experience I used these sorts of reasons to not have sex.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 18:35:50

Oh I see, Zany. In that case you'd probably say "Mmm, I'd love to, just let me have a quick shower." I get what you mean now.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 18:38:11

Queen Tilly if they're on a meter they could have saved money and hopped in the shower together lol

JillJ72 Tue 22-Jul-14 18:38:15

I read a book recently where this was done. Suffice to say they didn't stay together.

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 18:39:33

You can also not want to have sex because you feel sweaty and 'orrid. As a result of not wanting to have sex, you do not have the motivation to have a shower in order to make yourself want sex.

And so then you sit and watch TV.

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 18:42:57

Bonnie Really? Have you never actually tried that yourself, or something?
Showering together only works if the aim of the two people is not to wash, or if washing is a secondary objective, as opposed to the point of the shower.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 18:43:37

But if you're hot and sweaty already then you're half way there!!! Let's face it - if you're not wanting to get intimate with your Husband then there are massive problems in the relationship.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 18:44:40

Yes, I have thanks, very successfully

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 18:45:43

My point of the showering together was 2 birds one stone lol

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 18:47:20

Really? Then I must have had an abnormally tiny shower. It fitted one person, and one person only.

And no, being hot ans sweaty is not half-way to having sex. Far from it. Being hot and sweaty is being hot and sweaty.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 18:49:55

What's the first thing you do after sex? Have a shower, why? Because you're all hot and sweaty lol. I didn't say it was easy in the shower!!

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 18:52:16

Half-way to having sex is wanting to. Sex shouldn't be a "well, I couldn't possibly feel any more hot and unpleasant, so I might as well think of [insert country] before my shower".

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 18:54:13

Obviously hot and sweaty isn't a reason to - but it's not a reason not to either!!!

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 18:59:38

Well, yes it is. It is really bloody hot right now, and I'm grimacing when my small children come over to sit on my lap. Because they're bloody hot too! grin

RabbitsOnTheRun Tue 22-Jul-14 19:00:27

but it's not a reason not to either!!!

Um it absolutely is a reason not to, if you don't want to.

Why is that hard for you to understand? confused any reason is valid.

Not wanting to have sex with someone who sounds crap in bed and a bit of a twat sounds perfectly reasonable to me and to most of the people on this thread. It doesn't mean we have "boring" sex lives. It means we expect more from out sex partners.

Anyway I see from your over excited use of punctuation and that you sound about 12 that you are a bit lost. ~~~~> this way

SureFootedWhispher Tue 22-Jul-14 19:00:38

I sent my husband an Excel spreadsheet once over an issue! It was something I needed to do to get thoughts in place because talking didn't work.

Although I think this is crap. Marriage doesn't mean sex on tap.

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 19:03:02

SureFootedWhispher Did you widen the columns sufficiently to accommodate what you wrote? If you did not, we are Officially Not Friends. <winces>

grin

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 19:03:46

Not wanting too is the reason - not being hot and sweaty.

Not wanting intimacy in a relationship is never a good thing.

You cannot judge if this person is/was crap in bed.

There, limited punctuality just for you ;)

SureFootedWhispher Tue 22-Jul-14 19:04:26

Wrapped the text and widened.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 19:06:43

PUNCTUATION stupid iPad

supersop60 Tue 22-Jul-14 19:07:44

zany I once had a 'why not' type - always said in a whiny, childish tone. Yuck.

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 19:10:30

SureFootedWhisperer

<looks relieved>
You have my permission to use as many spreadsheets as you want! grin

Bonnie
You can not want to, due to being sweaty and 'orrible! Not wanting "intimacy" is not necessarily a "massive problem" as you put it earlier.

And yes, he's definitely crap in bed. He thinks 20 minutes is enough time to have sex, have a shower, and get redressed. Also, I had a look at the reddit, and although her comments have been removed, I can infer what she said about him from the replies.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 19:11:58

"Not wanting intimacy in a relationship is never a good thing."

Sex and intimacy aren't the same thing. HTH.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 19:14:02

He said they were 20 mins early, so she had already showered and dressed - the 20 mins was time remaining - you never heard of a quickie? Doesn't have to be hours to be good.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 19:15:19

Ok - just for you, not wanting sex in a relationship is never a good thing.

ABigKidDidItAndRanAway Tue 22-Jul-14 19:15:25

He left her too tender for sex the next day (which she doesn't seem happy about)

And think 20 mins is enough time to have sex and shower and get dressed again.

That and he sounds like begging for sex his idea of foreplay.

I say crap at sex.

Personally, I hate sex when I'm smelly and sweaty (or too warm), I feel too self conscious that I can't relax and enjoy it. If I were also exhausted from the gym I wouldn't be interested in having a shower just to have sex.

ABigKidDidItAndRanAway Tue 22-Jul-14 19:16:42

She DID have sex with him.

LineRunner Tue 22-Jul-14 19:16:43

I guess she just doesn't fancy him.

And I guess I understand why.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 19:17:19

3 times in how many weeks?

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 19:17:59

Then she should have left and done them both a favour.

SmilingandWaving Tue 22-Jul-14 19:19:01

I can believe this is real. Mainly because it's exactly what my XP did. & as someone said up thread he really was a special type of sad & organised man.

& as others have said my 'excuses' were mostly made up, by that point I just didn't want to have sex with him because I really didn't like him anymore. Unfortunately I was young and it wasn't the only example of his controlling nature, so the relationship lasted to the point where I was actually repulsed at the thought of him before I finally managed to end things.

ABigKidDidItAndRanAway Tue 22-Jul-14 19:19:10

Why should she leave if she is having the amount of sex that she is happy with?

Why doesn't he leave if he is unsatisfied?

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 19:21:08

She's making excuses, she's clearly not happy. If you're not happy you leave - not spread your personal life all over the internet.

ABigKidDidItAndRanAway Tue 22-Jul-14 19:23:11

Mumsnet would implode if we didn't post our business all over it. She had no reason to assume her love life would go viral.

From what I can see she doesn't want to shag him everytime he wants it. That doesn't mean she isn't unhappy. She hasn't sent him a spreadsheet. He is unhappy. He can leave.

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 19:23:25

Yes, she had already had a shower and dressed, but she thought she would have to have another shower and get re-dressed, because having sex means taking at least some of your clothes off.

Therefore, twenty minutes was not enough time. Which is perfectly reasonable.

"Quickies" are a mutual choice. It doesn't mean women have no right to say there isn't enough time!

Oh, and when she did have sex with him, he made her sore! That is not normal!

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 19:25:06

Maybe she wouldn't talk bout it, maybe it caused arguments when talking about - it's not so different to writing it down really.

He clearly still fancied her or he wouldn't want it.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 19:25:14

If she was ready to go out, I imagine she would want to reshower and get ready again. And she didn't want to. And she said so. You might want to, that's fine, off you go,

He was asking her on more than half of the days in his "study". At any point, I wonder if he gave any kind of a shot about her body language or whether or not she was in the middle of something else. I mean, I could ask DH every day for a month if he wanted sex just as he was getting ready for work or cooking the tea to tidying up and I'd expect a no more or less every time. If I asked him every night when we were already cuddled up in bed, I would expect a lot more yeses.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 19:27:02

She said she was sore, does not mean she was. If she's not having much maybe she needs some lube ;)

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 19:27:03

Shot = shit.

BriarRainbowshimmer Tue 22-Jul-14 19:29:54

"Why can't I use your body like a blowup doll everyday" whine creates spreadsheet
Wow what a catch

I hope she has LTB now, since his entitlement and twuntishness is staggering.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 19:30:59

Nice, Bonnie. Really charming.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 19:32:06

We are all grown ups here, it's perfectly natural.

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 19:33:24

Bonnie

I don't know whether you're intending to be seen as free, liberated, experienced in the ways of the world or not, but that not how it actually reads.

I have been with my partner for over a decade. We are still happy. Our life together is more than whether work commitments, and house renovations (one of this couple's issues- serious ones, from the mentions) temporarily affect "intimacy". But then, my partner doesn't leave me to do all the housework, either.

ABigKidDidItAndRanAway Tue 22-Jul-14 19:33:47

Lube is not a replacement for natural lubricant (that comes from making a tiny bit of effort)

Are you actually a teenage boy?

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 19:35:05

ABigKid That, or she's a teenage girl in a relationship with a teenage boy, perhaps?

BriarRainbowshimmer Tue 22-Jul-14 19:36:14

Perhaps it's the spreadsheet creator himself

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 19:36:53

Whichever, she's new to Mn and has only posted on Rhys thread.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 19:38:01

Ha ha ha - no, but lube can go a long way to help.

I'm not a teenage boy, I'm in my 30s and have been with my Husband for nearly 13 years, we have 3 kids and am very well versed on running a house and business. However my time with my Husband is equally important to me and we won't let that side of our relationship slide.

CaptainTrollolololol Tue 22-Jul-14 19:38:03

Bonnie is a teenage boy. This is the only thread he has posted on. Repeatedly.

jamtoast12 Tue 22-Jul-14 19:38:21

Either way their relationship won't work. Part of me think she's just not into him. My self drive is lower than DHs and I do make more of an effort on days I'm not interested because marriage is a two way thing so we compromise by reaching a middle ground. People do have different sex drives and marriages are unlikely to work if they are not addressed.

Dh and I were at it daily before the kids whereas now I'm happy with 1x per week whereas 4-5 would suit dh so we often try for 2-3 which were both happy with. The lack of communication with the couple and indeed lack of compromise is a problem.

You don't have to compromise if you don't want to eventually it will cause a problem which will be neithers fault IMO.

She sounds likeshe's just avoiding sex, they don't sound genuine reasons for someone who is into their partner, they sound like reasons for someone who is so so about sex in the first place, at least with this person. One their own, they all sound plausible, but night after nights, my guess this goes deeper and is not about the sex but about a complete lack of intimacy. I may be totally wrong almost everyone of my mates who avoids sex with their dh, does so because they admit to me that they're not really into them!

That's what it comes down to though..no one knows if these are genuine reasons or just excuses. Even if excuses (due to lower sex drive) the lack of communication will cause a major issue anyway.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 19:38:43

I'm not really new, just haven't been on in ages and forgot my original details.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 19:42:43

Jam toast, do you think he made any effort to ask at "a good time", based on the evidence?

squizita Tue 22-Jul-14 19:49:24

Bonnie "Not wanting intimacy in a relationship is never a good thing."

Bollocks.

1) At different times in a long term relationship, people's sex drives go up and down. This is normal. Not being able to handle this is actually quite unhealthy, expecting the 'infatuation' phase to go on and on. Sometimes the reason could be big (medical: after birth for example or an operation) sometimes smaller (feeling rough, stress, tiredness): adults recognise that it isn't always a case of "boohooo s/he doesn't wuv meeee" because sex isn't the only way of communicating and demonstrating love.

2) Human beings are entitled to want intimacy on their own terms: being married doesn't mean you 'should' be at it all the time if that isn't what you like, just to please your husband/wife. That is why sexual assault within marriage is now a crime: it is recognised that no sex is 'owed'.

To be quite honest, as PP have mentioned, you sound rather young and like you've just discovered sex yourself and think it's everything.
FYI I've been there, done that, not worn the t-shirt.
But the fact DH and I put our genitals together isn't the sign all is well: it's the communication and support.
If that wasn't there, after 12 years, sex would be a minor part of it.
And if he or I had the cheek to demand (in a passive aggressive way such as a spreadsheet) a 'right' to it: that would be the person with the problem out of the two parties.

jamtoast12 Tue 22-Jul-14 19:54:20

Not read much tbh about when he asked but that's not the point for me. Sometimes dh tries to initiate when I'm cooking etc but that to me doesn't piss me off as such, but I'd either go with it or say well do it later. If I wasn't in the mood then I wouldn't bother but I'd make the effort of I was feeling up for it. It reads to me, more so now I've seen their ages that it's a straight, she's not into him or she has a much lower sex drive. Given theyre married and presumably have no kids (???) I'm guessing it's a recent change and there's more going on.

I don't think he's wrong to be feeling concerned if they've gone from 5x a week to nightly excuses. I'm guessing that's the issue or it would hopefully have been sorted before marrying someone with such a different sex drive.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 19:56:02

squzita you are entitled to your opinion as much as I am. My relationship with my husband is little different to when we first met nearly 13 years ago and it's important to us that it remains that way. Obviously there are times when things are different like after child birth, but that's only temporary.

We talk and communicate just fine too.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 19:58:13

I don't know either but things like her being ready to go out or absorbed in a TV programme make me wonder.

I reckon, if I was trying to prove a point of some kind, I could pick a moment every day to ask DH when he would say no, that's all.

jamtoast12 Tue 22-Jul-14 20:02:42

I don't think he would have done the spreadsheet if this was just a dip in her sex drive dut to some recent obvious experience e.g. Job change, kids etc etc. there's no communication because he clearly thinks these are excuses (he wouldn't think that way if they were discussing the issue). He may be completely right!

I'm guessing it's more that he feels unwanted and uses sex to gauge her interest in him (I may be completely wrong but Dh and I have lots of friends who this matches 100%!)

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 20:06:11

Yesterday morning, while in a taxi on the way to the airport, Husband sends a message to my work email which is connected to my phone. He's never done this, we always communicate in person or by text. I open it up, and it's a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won't miss me for the 10 days I'm gone. Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since June 1st, with a column for my "excuses", using verbatim quotes of why I didn't feel like having sex at that very moment. According to his 'document', we've only had sex 3 times in the last 7 weeks, out of 27 "attempts" on his part.

That's what she said in the OP.

jamtoast12 Tue 22-Jul-14 20:06:51

Also I think the fact she hasn't once (by the sound of it) initiated sex at all in those weeks says that it's not about timing but that she just doesn't want to. Which is fair enough but that's probably why he thinks they're excuses.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Tue 22-Jul-14 20:14:34

FFS they are not "excuses" they are reasons. She doesn't need an excuse. A simple NO should be enough. Is it really that hard to understand?

We have no true information on their relationship at all, but I will say that anyone that puts something like this spreadsheet together is an entitled juvenile twat. An adult would approach his partner and discuss it rationally.

mathanxiety Tue 22-Jul-14 20:22:58

BonnieCaley, I am convinced you are about 13. Maybe 13.5 tops.

The idea that a woman who doesn't want to have sex with a husband who is not interested in her satisfaction should use lube in order to keep herself from being sore the next day is possibly one of the most distasteful statements I have read.

Good luck my dear, with the laydees. You are going to need it with that 'tude.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 20:29:11

You've taken it the wrong way, I meant if she was willing to get up close and personal with her husband then sometimes it can help, especially if you're not a very active person. I would never suggest someone should do something they didn't want to, sorry am multi tasking and not phrased things very well

justiceofthePeas Tue 22-Jul-14 20:31:44

'Non verbal' refusal also worries me. Sounds like she has to fend him off.

Also he says she did not shower till morning.
He says they had sex 3 times.
He says those were her reasons.

Twattish controlling people also tend to make up history as they go along to back up their side.

Note she says 'according to his document' implying she does not agree.

Could be he is an entitled petty minded gaslighting twunt.

LTB.

jamtoast12 Tue 22-Jul-14 20:32:01

I'll be honest, in the absence of a known reason, if dh refused me 27 times I'd be pissed off too! It would natural for me to take that personally given dh has a high sex drive. who knows what this lady was like previously. If she's gone from wanting it loads to not at all, whilst she has every right to feel that way, it certainly suggests something is wrong between them.

Sorry but he is entitled to have a sex drive. She is perfectly entitled to say no of course but for many sex is a very important part of marriage so he's as much right to be pissed off as she has to say no. It's unlikely he signed up for a sexless marriage at his age!

No she doesn't need reasons but not wanting sex with your dh (long term) is not normal IMO (unless agreed previously between the two of course).

What's existed before is important - 3x in 7 weeks is pretty bad for some people, especially if you feel like your partner didn't even want to on those occasions too.

BriarRainbowshimmer Tue 22-Jul-14 20:32:59

especially if you're not a very active person

What does that mean?

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 20:35:49

Exactly Jamtoast12 - you just phrased it a lot lot better than me. Bet they don't think you're a 12 year old boy ;)

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 20:37:00

For goodness sake!!! Not very active as in not having a lot of sex - sexually active.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 20:37:30

"'Non verbal' refusal also worries me. Sounds like she has to fend him off."

Justice, I actually thought those were "better" in that he was reading her body language (maybe he stroked her hair but she smiled and said goodnight). But maybe that was too generous.

Jam, if he asked 27 days out of 49, there was no space for her to initiate!

BriarRainbowshimmer Tue 22-Jul-14 20:39:17

It still sounds like you're saying: Lube is good when you have to lie back and think of England. Gross.

squizita Tue 22-Jul-14 20:41:52

Jamtoast in all seriousness, 'compromise' by having sex when you don't want to, under any circumstances, makes me feel a little uncomfortable.
Does your husband really initiate when you're cooking? How/why? So that you'll drop what your doing for him? Presumably this is just normal weekday dinner cooking which won't take longer than a half hour- can he not wait?
My DH has a very high drive but to be quite frank he wouldn't interrupt something where clearly I'm there with a pan of boiling water or something!

Bonnie I'm still convinced you're a teenager. You know that it is natural and healthy as you're such a relationship expert that relationships change and mature over many years? You know the media discourages this because infatuation and the 'lure' part of sex sell? Long term relationships tend to have a more intuitive/emotional sexual bond and a greater respect for the whole of the person, so that it's not the main point. Otherwise you'd just have a longterm fuckbuddy (fine but not what we're talking about here. If your relationship has remained the same for 13 years, that isn't actually very healthy.
And grin at the assumption that people with more rounded relationships must have less sex than you. That's not actually what is being said here.

CaptainTrollolololol Tue 22-Jul-14 20:41:54

The problem isn't him wanting sex a lot. It's the fact he has written down every reason she gave him, decided it was an excuse rather than a reason and then presented it to her in a spreadsheet. Who does that?

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 20:42:10

BonnieCaley

Your attempt to clarify makes no sense to me.

JusticeofthePeas I can hear the spiteful, wilful non-comprehension for "I'm trying to watch the movie" (fell asleep 15min later). Can you?

I can hear him thinking, "well, she obviously wasn't trying very hard- she might as well have done me". He's not thinking, "oh, wow, she must have been really exhausted". I've fallen asleep watching the TV before now. I woke up to find I'd been covered up with a sheet. DH didn't send me a petulant spreadsheet!

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 20:44:09

No, lube is good when you WANT some help in that area, that's all I'm saying. The original point was she claimed she was sore so automatically everyone assumes he's Christian Grey. I was simply saying that if she doesn't have much sex then lube could have maybe prevented her from being sore.

BriarRainbowshimmer Tue 22-Jul-14 20:45:36

Pretty sure Bonnie is a 13 yo virgin now too

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 20:47:14

Hmm, but once she was sore, for whatever reason, you decided that she might have made that up.

Again, charming.

squizita Tue 22-Jul-14 20:49:03

I'll be honest, in the absence of a known reason, if dh refused me 27 times I'd be pissed off too!

As a PP mentioned - it sounds like he's picked moments when she would refuse him. Almost deliberately - when she's sweaty, tired etc'.
If someone tried that with me, asking for sex at the most inconvenient moments - I would be pissed off because I would perhaps start to suspect there was some kind of ulterior motive (testing me? Wanting an excuse for a divorce?) why they needed to 'prove' I wasn't attracted to them.

That is something about his spreadsheet which makes me think divorce in the offing - like he's making a list of things she does wrong and 'massaging the figures' by initiating sex at really bad times. If he really wanted it, he could use a bit of common sense surely?

I guess we'll never know but either he is sexually entitled or he's trying to play victim and set her up as the ice queen.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 20:49:19

Why is it unhealthy for a sex life to remain as active as it always has been? The rest of our relationship has changed, we've married, become parents and changed in many other ways.

jamtoast12 Tue 22-Jul-14 20:50:27

But there is though! If dh asked me at one time, one day I may say no but initiate it later on that day at a better time, the fact she hasn't even once during that time suggests she just doesn't want to. I know I've done it myself where Dh has initiated, I've refused and then I didn't bother later on because I was tired etc. On those occasions I have genuinely been tired or watching a show etc but I would worry myself if I did that daily for seven weeks.

I think people reactions will differ naturally due to variations in peoples own sex life etc. for me "making the effort" 3 times in 7 weeks would be a problem. (I'm guessing those 3 times were not fun and moreto shut him up!)

Even if neither of us had felt like it during that time, I'd worry that it had the potential to become a problem because for me sex is very important in my marriage. For others, that would be fine and of no concern at all. Both are correct in their own situation which is why the original issue is hard to tell because for one person, it's no big deal to turn down your partner night after night, but for others with more active sex lives, that would represent a problem.

I agree it was very immature to make a spreadsheet (don't know who posted it - if her, then she's just as immature). Tbh I'd be embarrassed having people read that if I was either of them!

Either way the fact they've made it public gives me zero hope for their future.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 20:52:17

Quite, squizita. There's a few Relationships threads where a partner having an affair sets "tests" to prove the main relationship is wrong - might be asking for sex a lot, might be suggesting holidays but not sorting them out etc etc

ZanyMobster Tue 22-Jul-14 20:52:42

Alice Surely it has to work both ways though regarding communication, like you say we know nothing of their relationship really, has she approached him about why she does not want to have sex with him and has he done anything to try and resolve, has he approached her about being unhappy with the amount of sex they are having? We just don't know.

I would be pretty hurt if DH refused me 27 times if I initiated sex for no apparent reason, but really it would depend on the situation, I would definitely think he was not particularly 'in to' me if we had not discussed any issues previously.

I agree that she should just be able to say no but to me they are excuses as there is no way there would be all those issues day after day, I am 99% certain she is not that fussed about sex with him and TBH he sounds like a twat but that doesn't mean she is right either.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 20:53:00

This whole thread involves whether she is making excuses!

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 20:54:12

And also - if you've got to the stage of "testing" your partner, you have a negative bias. Maybe a couple of times in this period, she snuggled up to him but he was so pre occupied with his list that he didn't notice so she didn't pursue.

jamtoast12 Tue 22-Jul-14 20:56:07

I don't think it's unhealthy for sex lives to change, mine has definitely! There no way I'd be able to manage the sex life I had ten years ago smile

It is unhealthy I think for both partners not to compromise if their sex lives differ hugely. like I said, I'd be happy with once a week, dh probably most nights tbh! So we agreed on 2-3 average although we don't set days aside or anything like that and some weeks are more and some are less but we are both aware of each other's preferences and consider them.

squizita Tue 22-Jul-14 20:56:25

Bonnie after the holidays, go ask your PSHE teacher what lube is used for. It's not for women who don't have sex often. That's not how it works. It doesn't relieve bruising from rougher sex, sometimes you're just sore the next day. You can be wet as anything but if you're bruised, your bruised (If you're bruised and pissed off with DH, it might suggest the roughness was down to lack of finesse/foreplay rather than high-kinks from both of you the night before).

Lube is for vaginal dryness during intercourse.

BerylStreep Tue 22-Jul-14 20:57:15

Yes, I find his observation that she said she was too hot and sweaty, yet didn't have a shower, quite distasteful. The poor woman was probably dreading having a shower because he would then tell her she had no excuse not to have sex with him.

Besides, he didn't even present the information in a pivot table or a chart.

ZanyMobster Tue 22-Jul-14 20:59:41

We are assuming that she has been completely honest with her reasons though. I remember saying to XH that I had a dodgy stomach that day, or a headache or felt bloated, none of which were true but if I had said on MN that I had said those things to him and he had moaned I guess there would have been a resounding LTB. They were just excuses to avoid having sex with him, I did now and then to keep him quiet as for some reason I didn't communicate properly with him.

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 21:00:00

jamtoast

Reddit has a relationships board. She initially just posted asking for advice about it, and provided the spreadsheet later when people said they needed more information.

BonnieCaley I was simply saying that if she doesn't have much sex then lube could have maybe prevented her from being sore.

This post confirms everything I have been thinking about you since page 5. Vaginal lubrication has much to do with how often you have sex as the ability to have erections has to do with how often you have sex, i.e. nothing.

When men or women are actually sufficiently aroused, blood flow to their genitalia increases. In males, the blood flow to the three columns of erectile tissue results in an erection. In women, it results in lubrication, which means sex isn't horribly painful.

ZanyMobster Tue 22-Jul-14 21:01:29

BTW I think he sounds like a complete arse, regardless of her reasons/excuses the spreadsheet was uncalled for and I imagine the relationship will end fairly soon but I just don't believe it is completely one sided.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Tue 22-Jul-14 21:01:52

If dh asked me at one time, one day I may say no but initiate it later on that day at a better time, the fact she hasn't even once during that time suggests she just doesn't want to.

If my (stbx)H had approached me when I was cooking tea or in the middle of something and tried to initiate sex, I would have wondered what in the blazes was up with him - he could clearly see this was not a good time. Yes, it would be irritating. It sounds suspiciously like the male was demanding to know reasons as well. This would put me off him even more. The very last thing I would be doing later would be initiating sex.

squizita Tue 22-Jul-14 21:02:18

Bonnie we're not talking about levels of activity. We're talking about how you're the only person on this thread who talks about sex like they're a kid.
A long term couple could be at it all day every day - but would recognise things had changed as their relationship matured.
You sound like "we're soo in love because we have sex! Everyone else must be uptight/not getting enough because they're talking about entitlement and respect outside sex!".
To put it bluntly: you sound rather innocent and naive.

Maybe you're not 16. Maybe you're desperately trying to be 16.

squizita Tue 22-Jul-14 21:05:47

Maybe a couple of times in this period, she snuggled up to him but he was so pre occupied with his list that he didn't notice so she didn't pursue.

I had an ex, many moons ago, who had a high sex drive for sex initiated by him. Sex initiated by me wasn't so important. Not deliberate, but in his mind, sex was between him and his little man, I was just the means to an end! So refusal irritated him, but initiation didn't turn him on.
Bye bye ex.

TSSDNCOP Tue 22-Jul-14 21:06:29

Bob Powers seems to have nailed it, but I'm going to RTFT now.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 21:07:23

I said it could help! That is what lube is for - to help. She said "tender" not bruised etc. and as so many others have said (without being accused of being a teenage boy) - if she's just going through the motions the body won't naturally respond. As others have also said - maybe his foreplay consists of "you want some?" - again it's not exactly going to float her boat. If you are going to discuss things you need to look at both angles - not just assume that all men are arses.

CaptainTrollolololol Tue 22-Jul-14 21:09:06

So your consensus is lube up and be a sex toy?

Yeah, okay, teenage boy.

mathanxiety Tue 22-Jul-14 21:09:07

Why is it unhealthy for a sex life to remain as active as it always has been?

That's not the issue.

The issue is that both parties need to be equally on board about their sexual relationship.

This is better accomplished through grown up discussion and not by firing off a passive aggressive email to your spouse, accompanied by a spreadsheet when you are off to do some road warrioring.

The idea that she isn't into him evidently hasn't crossed his mind. Apparently it has never occurred to this fool that he isn't the sex god he imagines he is. From the pov of maintaining a sexual relationship with a woman, it hasn't occurred to him that it isn't something to take for granted.

From the anger, and the sustained fuming and depth of resentment that goes into making a spreadsheet and sending it to her with the message that he won't be missing her, I would imagine that sex with him on those three occasions then they did have sex wasn't something he undertook in a way that made her want more, to put it mildly. How can you have sex with someone you are clearly resentful or angry with?

jamtoast12 Tue 22-Jul-14 21:09:36

It does depend on what's normal though, me and dh have often had the odd quickie since we've had the kids. More often than not, we eat after the kids have gone to bed so well eat say 8:30pm with wine etc. given we both know after a full tea and wine neither if us can be arsed (!) one of us will often initiate between putting the kids to bed and eating tea (so whilst it's cooking!) it's no big deal and totally normal to us. It just highlights the differences between people really as what irritates one person is fine with someone else. It could be that previously she'd be totally up for sex in the situations offered by him we don't know.

Not read the original thread so apologies if missing bits!

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Tue 22-Jul-14 21:09:37

We didn't assume all men are arses. He, however, is one. I think the spreadsheet alone illustrates that fairly well. hmm

mathanxiety Tue 22-Jul-14 21:10:51

And sorry, Bonnie, I don't think there is lube enough in the world to 'help' a woman whose husband is so angry with her to enjoy sex with him or want to do it again.

ItHasANiceRingWhenYouLaugh Tue 22-Jul-14 21:11:03

To be fair, this humorous response from a man with kids is also getting a lot of votes on reddit, and is bloody funny. grin

mathanxiety Tue 22-Jul-14 21:11:58

And why does he want to have sex with someone he is angry with, someone he resents?

ZanyMobster Tue 22-Jul-14 21:13:40

If he is just approaching her and asking for sex that's got to be a complete turn off and I am not surprised she is not interested (we still don't actually know this though), again my XH used to just put his hand between my legs, no kissing etc, why on earth I didn't tell him straight I will never know but he did not really know how I was feeling, although I suspect he wasn't that bothered either as that would have involved him not being so selfish and vain.

squizita Tue 22-Jul-14 21:13:53

Erm 'tender', 'bruised' - they're synonyms?

No-one is saying all men are arses.

This particular man IS ACTING LIKE AN ARSE. He just is. That's why it's gone viral... that's why people are joking about it.
It's like those pictures of women wearing too-thin leggings you see go viral from time to time. They made a clothing mistake. It's not about all women, it's not in the best taste to plaster it over the web - but we can't deny it, it's bloody obvious.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 21:13:54

How can I put this really clearly - no I'm not saying lube up and be a sex toy - she agreed to have sex, I am simply saying that if her heart wasn't in it her body probably wasn't either. If you are going to put yourself in that situation (which is never a good idea) then it could have helped.

However as this has been discussed as a list of "excuses" there's a high chance this was probably one.

mathanxiety Tue 22-Jul-14 21:14:15

That is truly funny.

mathanxiety Tue 22-Jul-14 21:16:31

And yes you are saying lube up and shut up. Why should she do it if her heart isn't in it?

How is his heart in it when he is clearly angry with her and feeling so sorry for himself?

Or are you saying there is nothing more to sex than friction involving two sets of genitalia?

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 21:17:17

Bonnie No-one has said things quite like you do...

if she's just going through the motions the body won't naturally respond.

Er, what?! It's not her job to make herself want sex with him! It isn't because she's not putting the effort in!

As others have also said - maybe his foreplay consists of "you want some?" - again it's not exactly going to float her boat. He'd better sort that out then.

If you are going to discuss things you need to look at both angles - not just assume that all men are arses. I'm not. I'm saying that this man is an arse, based on all available evidence.

I have wide experience of non-arsy men, <satisfied look> which is how I know this man is an arse.

squizita Tue 22-Jul-14 21:17:21

*So your consensus is lube up and be a sex toy?

Yeah, okay, teenage boy.*

Or someone who got it together with their DH so young they believe some very dodgy stuff about sex because they're stuck in a 1990s More Magazine mindset (and cannot understand as everyone else here does that the precise amount of sex is irrelevant - it's about respect).

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 21:23:12

Mathanxiety - she chose to sleep with him that night. Whether she chose to do it to shut him up or other reasons, it was her choice, never said anything about her putting in effort, or "he'd better sort that out then".

Squzita - as your so keen to know my life story I met my husband when I was 21

squizita Tue 22-Jul-14 21:24:01

How can I put this really clearly

You are being clear.

Everyone understands. They just think your reasoning is flawed. They disagree. They think what you are clearly saying is distasteful and wrong.

I am still trying to work out whether you're someone who has, for some reason, grown to mid adulthood with the sexual mores of a vulnurable randy teenager who reads too much Twilight, or whether you are a vulnurable randy teenager.

You're writing clearly. It's what you're saying that is making people shocked.

squizita Tue 22-Jul-14 21:25:35

I'm not keen I'm wondering why you sound like a teenager with an older boyfriend who I'd usually be referring to the mentoring team at my work.

QueenTilly Tue 22-Jul-14 21:29:41

Bonny You're still restating the same opinion, desperately trying to make it more palatable.

If one person tries to initiate sex, and the other consents, the initiator should not be going ahead until their partner is going to be physically comfortable. In this situation, between a male initiator and a female partner, that means he has to slow down and not just go straight to the PIV bit.

This is not solely a male-female issue, either. You do not push anything in anywhere, until the orifice's owner is ready, whether they are male or female, or whether you are male or female.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 21:33:59

Why shocked? We are all adults, I can dumb it down if you prefer. No one should ever have sex with someone when they don't want to, the woman clearly is not interested in her Husband sexually but chose to participate for whatever reason. The lube thing got a bit out of hand to be fair, was only meant as an off the cuff remark but I phrased it wrong. Two people this unhappy should not be together.

Personally sex is, and always has been a big and important part of my marriage and this (hopefully) will never change. I say hopefully as no one knows what's around the corner. Though that's not to say we don't have a healthy love and respect for each other, and no - love doesn't = sex. What works for one marriage won't for another.

Oh, and on a lighter note I've never read or watched twilight!

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Tue 22-Jul-14 21:35:59

Jam - re the 27 polite refusals - if your DH had asked you 3-4 times in one week and been declined every time, so you think he would do the same the next week, or do you think he'd change his approach, maybe have a chat with you, make sure you were relaxed or whatever? You know, be in a relationship.

From what you've said, I would guess he would. Unlike SpreadsheetTwat.

mathanxiety Tue 22-Jul-14 21:39:47

Bonnie, are you suggesting if she had sex with him one, two or three times, then she could have made more of an effort the rest of the times?

You are still completely missing the point that a woman can choose or refuse, every single time the matter of sex comes up.

A man who wants sex with someone while he is at the same time angry with her that she has fobbed him off 27 times is compartmentalising the relationship to an alarming degree. He is ignoring the big picture, and forgetting that sex is part of the relationship, not the whole relationship.

He is also compartmentalising his wife's body to an alarming degree, and your comments about lube are in the same category of reducing a woman's sex life to a matter of how lubed up her vagina is.

He isn't owed use of her vagina.

CaptainTrollolololol Tue 22-Jul-14 21:41:06

Her heart not being in it is the sex toy part, teenage boy. And if a man can have sex with a woman who is only doing it out of obligation, it tells you a lot about him as a person!

So if you're not a teenager, I feel a bit sorry for you.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 21:42:13

Mathanxity - I haven't said any of those things! Re read what I wrote.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 21:48:00

Which is why I said they shouldn't be together. Neither of them are happy. I also said that no one should ever have sex when they don't want to, she clearly isn't happy yet she chose to sleep with him on those occasions. I said maybe her heart wasn't in it - not that she should do it if her heart wasn't in it.

I am not suggesting in any way she should have made more effort - she should have left him as she's clearly unhappy.

I have also never said he is owed her body or has any entitlement to it.

I said that in my opinion a healthy sex life is important in a relationship - healthy meaning by what both parties are happy with

justiceofthePeas Tue 22-Jul-14 22:08:19

Or maybe she just actually wanted sex on those occasions and not on the others.
Maybe those occasions she initiated.

We don't know.

What we can assume if it isn't a troll is that he made a spreadsheet (prick) and some other commenters think this is fine. Grim.

BonnieCaley Tue 22-Jul-14 22:25:59

Maybe she did - I'm just trying to clear up that I don't think anyone should sleep with someone when they don't want to. I have obviously wrote most of my comments wrong as the majority of people have took what I've said the wrong way.

StrawberryMouse Tue 22-Jul-14 23:23:45

Hmm. Me and DH have been together seven years. Two small children. We still have sex regularly (probably 3 times a week average I think) although we have peaks and troughs like anyone and it is always really good.

People at work were laughing at this, which is how I first read it. I was quite surprised to find I actually use these excuses myself.

If I feel full or sweaty or whatever, I'm not in the mood because I feel uncomfortable or unattractive and not very sexy iyswim. Sometimes the effort of getting up, having a shower, having sex, getting back in the shower after a day of work, kids, house etc and knowing you have to be up again at 5am is more than I'd make for any sex in the world ever. It's not that I'm not attracted to my DH, it's just that my life is knackering. I never thought I would say that. grin

Firsttimemom2013 Tue 22-Jul-14 23:30:47

Stupid idea.....it's not going to make her want him more is it??? His own fault!!

BertieBotts Wed 23-Jul-14 06:49:59

Strawberry I quite often say these things too, was starting to get a bit paranoid at the start of the thread because as you say it's not that I don't want sex with DH it's just the thought is quite often disproportionately knaxkering.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Wed 23-Jul-14 06:57:10

Bertie, Strawberry - they're not excuses, they're reasons! And they might not be "full" reasons (maybe the full reason for the "no quickie" was something like, "are you kidding? I just got my hair straight and I know that X is going to be at the party and she used to tease me about my curls and I'll feel under pressure to come quickly and what if we're late and have to stop part way through and then he doesn't want to because he doesn't care about being late...oh, I'll just say no, we don't have time")

Or is that just me wink?

lavenderhoney Wed 23-Jul-14 07:32:54

"Passive- agrressive use of Microsoft office" grin

He made a spreadsheet?smile and gone nc? I can see why he'd be too embarressed to contact her after building a spreadsheet noting her excuses.

Twunt. At least he didn't have a colum measuring performance and time spent when he did do it. She could have added onesmile

deakymom Wed 23-Jul-14 08:14:47

ive used these excuses with my ex he never showered or washed hardly shaved (he did at the beginning of our relationship not towards the end) he stank wouldn't even brush his teeth so no we didn't have sex and he refused to leave my home too refused to "split up" it was a nightmare

perhaps i should have tried a spreadsheet? grin

we don't know if any of his actions affected hers perhaps he has personal hygiene issues she says she needs to shower perhaps she said HE needs a shower and he misheard her?

also why does she hurt the following day? ive only ever hurt after having sex for an entire night (yes im bragging but its actually true)

NotNewButNameChanged Wed 23-Jul-14 08:35:56

Have to say, sadly, I know two women who did very similar things while TTC. Having not fallen pregnant within 6 months and 9 months respectively, they took it out on their DHs by presenting them with a list of dates (culled from their diaries, rather than an actual spreadsheet) with all the reasons that their DHs had declined sex and went ballistic at them. Blaming the DHs for their not being pregnant and telling them they were being selfish for not having sex precisely when they wanted it, no matter what time of day or how many times per day.

I wish I was making that up, but it's true.

PlumpPartridge Wed 23-Jul-14 09:33:17

Hey, this has made it to discussions of the day!

<feels proud for starting it>

<feeling embarrassed for contributing 4 posts including this one and the op> blush

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Wed 23-Jul-14 09:44:20

NotNew, and that is not very nice either.

Surely a better approach would have been, "look, I never want you to have sex if you don't want to, definitely not. But we do seem to end up only having sex at non fertile times and I don't know why. Any thoughts?"

BertieBotts Wed 23-Jul-14 14:41:19

Thanks Courtesy smile TBH I think I just have hang ups from the ex...

GatoradeMeBitch Wed 23-Jul-14 15:40:01

I've said it elsewhere, but I suspect that once he got this little project on the go, he wanted to collect no's, to make her look as mean as possible.

Which is why the spreadsheet is like 'Asked her after she got back from gym. Bitch said no, even though the dirty cow didn't even wash.' 'Asked her for sex when she was obviously knackered. Bitch said no.'

Classic passive-aggressive manchild tactics.

MorphineDreams Wed 23-Jul-14 16:33:05

Y'know what, sometimes you just physically can't be arsed. Sometimes my partner will ask and I'll go urrr I can't be bothered tonight. He'll laugh, we'll cuddle up and it's fine.

People shouldn't have to make excuses.

We don't even know if she's on any medication for instance that might lower her sex drive. He obviously sees her as a sex object.

rosegarden45 Wed 23-Jul-14 19:06:27

I think he is very lucky to get sex so often. We only manage about once a month

JaneParker Wed 23-Jul-14 21:40:05

If you both agree to sex when the other wants it life can be very good for many couples.

LuluJakey1 Thu 24-Jul-14 00:05:51

DH and I have come up with our list of remembered excuses.
Me- I've got awful wind again, it'll just make me fart (In my defence I am pregnant and it is a side effect)
DH - We did it twice last night and my willy's sore. (Stealth boast)
Me- Well if you really want to I will but I might be sick on you.
DH - only if you make me breakfast in bed afterwards as a reward my answer was 'Let's not bother then'

wubwubwub Thu 24-Jul-14 00:25:35

why is everyone picking on Bonnie? confused

I got accused of being a man... she gets accused of being a 13yo boy. Just for having a slightly different perspective on the situation.

Life would be boring if we all had the same POV and opinion about everything smile

CaptainTrollolololol Thu 24-Jul-14 00:41:17

Isn't it more the fact she is confused about how le vagine works?

wubwubwub Thu 24-Jul-14 00:50:44

I don't think she is unaware of the workings of a vagina - I think she just didn't put her point across as succinctly as she might and it lead to people taking it the wrong way.

wubwubwub Thu 24-Jul-14 00:50:51

I don't think she is unaware of the workings of a vagina - I think she just didn't put her point across as succinctly as she might and it lead to people taking it the wrong way.

CaptainTrollolololol Thu 24-Jul-14 01:05:30

Nah, I think she basically said that a woman whose heart wasn't in it should use lube so hubz got his end awaaaaay. And then backtracked and said if her heart wasn't in it she shouldn't do it making her whole point moot.

BonnieCaley Thu 24-Jul-14 03:02:23

Really? Still thinking I'm a teenage boy? The lube comment was intended as an off the cuff remark which went completely wrong!

Im not back tracking, I still think 3 times in 7 weeks is a dull sex life and I maintain that no one should ever sleep with someone when they don't want to. I obviously came into this thread a lot more light hearted than a lot of others did.

RonneandFrankie Thu 24-Jul-14 04:07:15

I commented on this when a friend shared it on FB.
I am a mid-20s female and I have a decently high sex drive. My DP and I got into a bit of a down-hill slide a few months ago, and there was fuck all sex happening. It was boring and I do admit, I started to feel hurt and insecure when I was rejected almost every time I made a move (for about 2 months.) I was unhappy with how we were interacting.

But you know what. It wasn't just the sex department that had disappeared. I think for us, the lack of sex was a symptom of the other issues we had to work through. I.e. our sucky communication skills that clearly needed work!!

So if he's saying that he's HURT by the rejection, then on one level, I can understand that. But if he's just pissed off he wasn't getting it when he wanted, then you know, fuck him. At the same time, being hurt DOES NOT justify being a passive aggressive jerk and doing up a spreadsheet, ffs. And there is no excuse for feeling entitled to sex with another person. She said no. It doesn't matter why. Take it on face value. If you think her answers are "excuses" maybe take a good long look at the whole package you're offering in return...

When I read the article, I thought that:
a) maybe he should indicate interest instead of "Wanna bang",
b) maybe look if there's any underlying causes, i.e. could it possibly BE YOU that's the problem? (No, surely not) Because maybe she does want sex, but you're turning her off it....by being pushy and asking at shitty times and possibly in a shitty way. (e.g. if my partner came up and asked if I wanted to have sex with him while I was in the middle of watching something, it may not be as effective if he maybe cuddled on the couch and asked if I wanted to join him for a shower after the TV show was finished ^insert wink^)
c) maybe instead of asking her for sex, ASK HER HOW SHE IS?! That obviously goes for both parties, but jeez, it seems like the communication here could do with some improvement.
Not saying that she should have sex with him because he asked how her day was, but it might improve their overall relationship if he put as much effort into communicating with her as he did into getting laid/making spreadsheets. That could go both ways though - if she's not wanting to have sex because of any underlying reasons, she should say so as well (that's based off the chance that she was deflecting his advances by saying she felt gross, etc because she didn't feel comfortable enough to just say no and have that respected.)

tl;dr - What a douchewad, take no for an answer, it's not an "excuse." Maybe lack of sex is a symptom of deeper problems.

LuluJakey1 Thu 24-Jul-14 09:50:22

I will probably be flamed for this so I will say it and run and hide. I have no idea why everyone is so wound up by this.
a) It was probably just made up anyway
b) It could have been intended to be funny - it wasn't very sophisticated but...
c) Couples do have a range of reasons. DH and I laugh at some of the things we say to each other about wanting or not wanting to have sex.
d) It is totally out of any context. Maybe he just wanted her to see it bluntly without any emotion involved- ie on a bit of paper rather than during a row or a conversation. Perhaps he thinks she has no idea how often she says no and he feels totally rejected. Perhaps it would make them talk.

It is Reddit FFS! There is all kinds of rubbish on Reddit, purporting to be real.

samned Thu 24-Jul-14 18:28:13

Dull sex life is equal to no sex thats the way i see it, it is surprising they stick to the dull!!

combust22 Thu 24-Jul-14 20:31:38

Sounds like a guy who is really crap at sex. A man who knows how to pleasure a women won't find it difficult to cultivate her interest.

BriarRainbowshimmer Thu 24-Jul-14 20:37:04

He sounds like he is crap at relationships in general.

samned Thu 24-Jul-14 21:13:52

My family is an obstruction to sex, they are all about family planning for us!!!

BetteronScreen Fri 25-Jul-14 21:20:58

Feel that not showering after a sweaty gym session is a bigger issue TBH

Deluge Sat 26-Jul-14 10:29:06

Men who take the time to knock up a spreadsheet when they could be taking you out for dinner? About as far from sexy as it is possible to be.

Hopefully she dumps his whiny arse and his next spreadsheet will be tallying up the readymeals-for-one he consumes in a month. Saddo.

upthedamnwotsit Sat 26-Jul-14 10:36:31

I agree with you Lulu about it possibly being fake. That relationships board on Reddit gets all sorts of rubbish posted on it, often about goady topics. If that post hadn't blown up in the way it did I bet there would have been a series of updates posted, well-timed for maximum drama.

ItHasANiceRingWhenYouLaugh Sat 26-Jul-14 11:03:58
Mrscaindingle Sat 26-Jul-14 21:06:39

I can just imagine him happily asking for her reasons so that he could put them all on his spiteful little spread sheet.

hackmum Sun 27-Jul-14 12:48:40

I agree with Lulu too - it may be fake, and even if it isn't, the guy may have just intended it as a joke. Without knowing more about their relationship you can't tell.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Sun 27-Jul-14 14:10:40

If he intended it as a joke, sending it then not taking her calls is a bad way to show it!

AKeyFox Sun 27-Jul-14 15:22:31

Say it with Excel.

MeMyselfAnd1 Sun 27-Jul-14 21:15:05

I feel sorry for the husband, what is that of not having a shower after going to the gym? Bloody hell! The woman has the right to be annoyed at being sent a spreadsheet but if she really can't be arsed even to have a shower before getting in bed when she is sweaty after the gym, what surprises me is not that he is documenting rejections in a spreadsheet, but that he is still trying to have sex with her.

I'm sure that if a woman had posted that she was rejected 8 times out of 9 times she initiated sex with her filthy husband who is more interested in watching television, everyone would be telling her to LBTB.

itsbetterthanabox Sun 27-Jul-14 21:21:02

Memyself why would you feel sorry for him, he's gross! they had sex every 2 weeks for Christ's sake. He kept pestering her, if you don't want to be rejected stop pestering someone to do something they clearly don't want to do.

wubwubwub Sun 27-Jul-14 21:21:29

MeMyself _ isaid the same thing but got accused of being a bloke!

wubwubwub Sun 27-Jul-14 21:26:04

hey being rejected is SHIT, he's allowed to feel bad about it all.

Why do posters here not SEE his problem??? They focus on the spreadsheet, not that a wife is constantly rejecting him fro seemingly trivial reasons.

I still sate - if a woman came on here on MN and said "we've only had sex a few times in the last seven weeks, he keeps rejecting me. I try all the time. And the times we did do it, it felt a bit like a chore for him. I feel like shit, He doesn't find me attractive any more. "

You'd all be saying "LTB"..."you deserve better" ... "you must be feeling so hurt have flowers" "sounds like he's getting it elsewhere, maybe he's cheating"

MeMyselfAnd1 Sun 27-Jul-14 21:35:04

I might be a bloke then but god, I can tell you that if my dear boyfriend used to come sweaty from the gym to watch TV, and reject me so many times I would not be sending him a spreadsheet, I would be showing him the door and disinfecting the whole house.

MeMyselfAnd1 Sun 27-Jul-14 21:41:30

Sex every 2 weeks is NOTHING (unless the sex is rubbish and better avoided).

Which brings in the possibility that the guy is rubbish in bed and therefore she finds it more enjoyable to spend time at the gym and watching TV than with him. (I still don't get why she goes sweaty to bed, but then I hate smelly people)

SiennaBlake Sun 27-Jul-14 21:43:58

She probably had a shower at the gym and just told him she hadn't. She obviously isn't allowed to just say "not tonight, love" so she has to scrape the barrel.

ItHasANiceRingWhenYouLaugh Sun 27-Jul-14 21:47:21

I'll tell you what MN would NOT recommend if roles were reversed: documenting it all on a spreadsheet, sending it to him and refusing to discuss. grin

MeMyselfAnd1 Sun 27-Jul-14 21:51:17

She may had a shower at the gym and he may have spent the time she was at the gym watching the children and cooking dinner, but we cannot know either way, can we?

Having said that, if she was still sore the day after they had sex, chances are she is trying to avoid having sex by staying sweaty.

But then it goes back to the point that sex or no sex, shower or no shower, she is no longer attracted to him and it is perhaps timed to consider either saving the marriage or part. Life is already difficult enough as to die inside everyday by staying in a marriage that it is no longer... Well... A marriage.

SiennaBlake Sun 27-Jul-14 21:54:04

I'm saying we don't have to know. Either way, "I don't want to tonight" should be enough of a reason. And it's quite possible to be attracted to a partner without wanting sex every night for a period of time.

itsbetterthanabox Sun 27-Jul-14 22:19:06

Memyself what do you mean sex every 2 weeks is nothing? Many people have a libido that means that's how often they would like to have sex. Is that wrong?

MeMyselfAnd1 Sun 27-Jul-14 22:26:46

It is only wrong when the 2 people in a couple have libidos that do not match each other's needs.

If both of them are happy to have sex only when 29 February falls on a Thursday, no problem whatsoever.

itsbetterthanabox Sun 27-Jul-14 22:29:56

That doesn't make her in the wrong though. He shouldn't pressure her just because his libido is higher. Why is she to blame?
It is not arousing to be moaned at for sex either..

MeMyselfAnd1 Sun 27-Jul-14 23:04:08

Not to blame, just mismatched. Honestly, if he is happy having sex and she is happy not having it, why should the man be tgw one who is wrong? Neither of them are wrong, perhaps they shouldn't be together.

itsbetterthanabox Sun 27-Jul-14 23:12:32

Because he is the pressuring someone into doing something they don't want to. Obviously that's different. I actually personally don't know a long term couple where they have the same libido but the one with a higher one respects their partner and doesn't want to use the body of a coerced partner.

MeMyselfAnd1 Sun 27-Jul-14 23:57:58

Well, each to their own, some people are happy to put up with it, some don't. He obviously is not happy with the situation, I don't think he just needs to suck it up and pretend he doesn't care. I agree he shouldn't force her (which he isn't) but if she is really not interested on him, he may be better of leaving her. A life of rejection is not one I wish to anyone whatever their libido.

MeMyselfAnd1 Mon 28-Jul-14 00:06:43

In the same way, if she doesn't want to have sex with him because whatever reason, she might be better off leaving him too.

itsbetterthanabox Mon 28-Jul-14 00:15:35

You don't get rejected if you don't pester someone incessantly. Instead of asking for sex everyday then try and do things for your partner to turn them on, relax them.

MeMyselfAnd1 Mon 28-Jul-14 01:12:08

So, showing interest for his wife and taking no for an answer is pestering? Good grief! She sits sweaty on front of TV and shows no interest for him but he needs to up his game? She doesn'g care about him and she is not a poor soul being pestered by her lusty husband, if she were she wouldn't have sent the spreadsheet to the press.

itsbetterthanabox Mon 28-Jul-14 01:43:05

I assume she sent it out to people to show how shockingly entitled he is. Asking for sex every day is pestering! That's not showing and interest that's nagging. And yeah if he does something he should try and make it is nice as possible for the other person. Just because she doesn't want to let him have sex that hurts her vagina with him does not mean she doesn't care and love him! If that's true millions of people don't love their partners confused

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Mon 28-Jul-14 08:04:19

" if she were she wouldn't have sent the spreadsheet to the press."

She didn't. She posted about the issue for advice on a forum abd was then asked to post the spreadsheet. And then the press got hold of it, much as happens occasionally with Mn.

maui50 Tue 29-Jul-14 10:37:33

DH and I heard an elderly lady being interviewed as part of Desert Island Discs one morning a few years ago, when we were married for a couple of years already. Her advice on sex was as part of a long and healthy marriage was "don't say no more than twice in a row". It stuck with us. Might be hard to live if with one of you has an extremely high drive compared to the other, but it's not nice to be rejected over and over again, whatever the reason. Time and space should be made in a marriage to enjoy each other sexually and in every other way as well.

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