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Would you contact someone who bullied you at school?

(116 Posts)
flippinada Sun 11-May-14 16:50:17

Just saw a thread about bullying and it reminded me about something.

I've noticed that a friend of a friend is someone who bullied me at school. Not as bad as some, but enough that I remember it.

I've vaguely considered messaging them to say do you remember doing x and are you sorry? Or is this a monumentally bad idea?

Secretsquirrel13 Sun 11-May-14 16:50:51

Bad

Secretsquirrel13 Sun 11-May-14 16:51:12

Oops bad idea don't do it!

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 16:51:13

I forgot to mention that this is on Facebook. The post doesn't make sense otherwise.

MargotLovedTom Sun 11-May-14 16:52:26

Definitely bad.

Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad. Bad.

Bad.

I wouldn't be wanting to give them the time of day, or letting them know they even slightly crossed my mind. I was bullied too and would feel much better not giving those people the time of day than seeking some sort of answer from them, but I think everyone feels differently about these things. I am just happy in the knowledge that I am happier and more successful and BETTAH than them. grin

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 16:53:04

That's what I thought. I keep thinking of all the ways it could go wrong.

Truthfully, if she wasn't on FB I wouldn't give it a second thought. Is just because I saw her name and it triggered some bad memories.

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 16:57:37

Than you for your kind messages by the way!

NickiFury Sun 11-May-14 16:59:01

Yes, I did. He never replied though.

I just wish horrible things on them from a distance.

CaptChaos Sun 11-May-14 17:03:15

Bad idea.

Really really bad.

I wouldn't give my bullies the satisfaction of knowing that the hell they put me through was still on my mind. They are not worth one more second of your life.

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 17:04:51

That's rottennicki - I think I'd feel awful if I'd summoned up the nerve to do it and didn't get a response.

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 17:06:40

I don't wish bad things on them, I would appreciate an acknowledgement and an apology though.

But, I understand that is vanishingly unlikely so I won't be contacting them.

BankWadger Sun 11-May-14 17:12:21

The people who made my primary school years miserable probably don't even remember me, let alone being awful to me, so there would be no point pulling them up on it.

I prefer to get my revenge by having a good life. This is hard though as my confidence and trust in other people was eroded for so long at such a young age. It's not impossible though.

MrsAlexVause Sun 11-May-14 17:13:50

Don't do it!

Sparklingbrook Sun 11-May-14 17:17:14

it would take me ages to contact them all.

Meglet Sun 11-May-14 17:20:14

Bad.

People who bullied me at school, serious enough for a deputy head meeting and me leaving by 15, the ring leader requested me as a friend on FB confused. Reader, I blocked her.

Although one of the 'girls' ended up at the same toddler group and we're on hello / quick chat in the street terms these days. But school is never mentioned. I had kind of ignored her for months when we first went to the toddler group and then she congratulated me when DC2 arrived, so I thought I'd be an adult and not get snippy about it.

Mintyy Sun 11-May-14 17:21:35

I'd get rid of this person from your FB though.

drudgewithagrudge Sun 11-May-14 17:21:59

If I ever win the Euromillions Lottery there will be a few middleaged people who will mysteriously vanish. Wonder if hired assassins are in Yellow Pages.

EffectiveCommunication Sun 11-May-14 17:25:03

It won't end well for you.

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 17:25:46

drudge grin.

Yes Mintyy, I will do that. Then I don't have to see her name and be reminded.

wtffgs Sun 11-May-14 17:29:03

No.
No.
No.

No with knobs on. grin

FB is the cause of enough angst anyway. Live your life and don't look back.thanks

Darmok Sun 11-May-14 17:30:48

I wouldn't.
A girl 2 years older used me as a punchbag, I had to walk the same route as she did so she had many many opportunities sad angry

She is now seriously disabled with crippling arthritis. I don't really care.
A mutual acquaintance has suggested meeting for old times sake. No, I won't, the old times weren't good times.

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 17:31:22

Have blocked so I don't have to see her name and be reminded.

I was half wondering whether it would be a good idea and the emphatic responses have reinforced the my suspicion that it would be a bad idea so I definitely won't be doing it.

MargotLovedTom Sun 11-May-14 17:31:52

How can you get rid of her if she's the friend of a friend confused?

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 17:32:21

Darmok, I don't blame you.

MargotLovedTom Sun 11-May-14 17:32:22

X post

The short answer is No, definitely not! !!

Bullys rarely change imho.
If the person that bullied me were to try and 'friend' me I would reject it & most probably block them too.

everlong Sun 11-May-14 17:33:49

I wouldn't.
You might not get an apology and you could be left feeling frustrated and bruised.

Bullies imo usually stay shite.

hesterton Sun 11-May-14 17:38:51

I was contacted some years ago on Friends Reunited by a woman who had quite significantly bullied both my sister and myself in the 70s at school. She wrote to say she was sorry and she often wondered why she joined in the general picking on us. (Actually she was definitely the ring leader and I was very frightened of her.)

I wrote back to say not to worry as I couldn't remember who she was, and had had a wonderful adulthood to date , probably more appreciated for not having particularly enjoyed school days.

I wouldn't have given her the power to know she had been such a negative influence by contacting her though.

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 17:46:19

Excuse random extra words, am doing lots of things at once.

everlong I suspect you are right.

hesterton that sounds like a good response!

However I certainly won't be opening myself up to a whole load of who knows what my messaging so I won't do it.

I sent a message to the two worst culprits, asking them if they realised how much harm their bullying had done to me, and how did they feel about the fact that I had been suicidal at age 14 thanks to them. They never bothered to respond.

deerkitty Sun 11-May-14 18:09:04

A boy who made my life a living hell at school so much so that I overdosed tried to friend me on FB. I declined his request. I remember seeing him at a club many years ago as a married adult and actually breaking out in a cold sweat and had to leave. My ex husband finally got it out if be as to efts was wrong and he wanted to go and speak it him but I never let him.

I saw on FB he has three daughters and the really nasty horrible part of me thought I hope one day one his daughters is made to feel the same then it might clue him in. Then I felt really bad.

No. The people who bullied me left me with an incurable nerve disease that means I'm permanently disabled for life and in agonizing pain every single minute of every day. I admit I am very bitter, they took my life away from me for many years and I had to give up on my dreams. I will never forgive them, no apology would ever be enough for what they have done and what they have taken away from me

MakeMineaMartina Sun 11-May-14 18:14:29

One sad that's awful. disgraceful that they got away with it too. the injustice of it all.

I had a similar thing happen to me.

OP, thing is, these memories come back to bite you, they never go away, and siometimes I feel like doing what you're proposing to get some closure, but it usually doesn't end well, as some posters have said, they prob wont reply anyway, and they mostly wont care what they did, they prob still do it.

Deathraystare Sun 11-May-14 18:20:08

I would not get in touch with them and say anything. I wasn't badly bullied, it was more a kind of harrassing people and everyone got it (that did not make it alright obvs, but I never felt I was singled out, or a victim). It was worse for people that where friends with this silly group because when they got bored of anoying everyone else they turned on their own group.

I just hated school for other reasons. I would have no interest in meeting anyone else from school whether they had been good, bad or indifferent.

A Bully would deny or not care what happened to you anyway so why bother talking to them. If you ever meet face to face they are unlikely to bring it up and if you do they will say "Oh that was al ong time ago..."

ClashCityRocker Sun 11-May-14 18:24:26

I'd just Facebook stalk them and sneer at their lives but I'm quite pathetic like that

Seriously, OP, I wouldn't go there. It would only reopen old hurts and wouldn't resolve anything.

MakeMineaMartina Sun 11-May-14 18:28:59

worst thing is when you know theyre having the life of riley!

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 18:35:09

SDTG, One and Make I'm so sorry that happened to you, how completely unfair and awful.

I don't have any interest in stalking this person tbh or knowing anything about them. I just don't like them. I was just wondering whether it would be a good idea and I can see it isn't.

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 18:37:09

Deathray that's like what happened to me. Bitchy stuff, name calling, doing things to make me look stupid, nasty jokes, that type of thing. She was part of a gang and tbh I think they just weren't very nice girls.

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 11-May-14 18:38:24

I wouldn't. Either they haven't changed a bit and are still nasty.

Or they grew up and actually regret what they did and would feel awful that you remember it all these years later.

Either way no one wins.

flappityfanjos Sun 11-May-14 18:43:28

Nope, I wouldn't. There's only one response that would satisfy me, and many possible responses that would just bring back the pain - what are the chances of getting what I want? It's not worth reliving it all.

I do wonder, from time to time, whether it would help me if one of them decided to get in touch and tell me that they are sorry for their behaviour back then. Whether it would give me a bit of closure. I don't know, and it isn't likely to happen.

I also wonder what happens if a bully's child becomes a victim of bullies (I wouldn't wish that hell on any child, but if it did happen). Does it make the bully realise the hurt they caused in the past?

maddy68 Sun 11-May-14 18:49:13

I did actually
She has a different perspective to the one I had, she thought she and I were friends and she was teasing.
It was quite cathartic actually

specialsubject Sun 11-May-14 18:51:33

I'd say 'don't'. If they contact you and apologise, then consider what you want to say.

Otherwise rely on 'what goes around, comes around' and don't dig it all up again.

MakeMineaMartina Sun 11-May-14 18:52:58

very interesting thread this, thanks for starting this, OP.

amazing as adults we can still think about all this and how its affected our lives. and it still lurks like an oozing scar.

TinklyLittleLaugh Sun 11-May-14 18:55:52

My nephew has a disability and is frequently name called and bullied. BiL confessed that when he was in school he did the same to a kid with a disability (BiL is not a very nice person).

It cuts him up actually, I know it does. Some would call it karma.

springsummerautumnpresents Sun 11-May-14 18:56:04

This one girl bullied me real bad in primary school. Turns out a month after leaving year 6 her mother died of cancer. Her mum totally deserved to die after the way her daughter treated me. I still have my lovely mummy smile No, I wouldn't give her the time of day!

frankie80 Sun 11-May-14 18:56:27

don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they are still getting to you.

But if they are a friend of a friend, they might be able to see comments on your mutual friend's posts as well as photos of you. Make sure you look happy and amazing!

One girl who bullied me at school is a friend of a friend. She lives near my mum and her DS plays with my DD whenever my DD is at her grans. She always looks uncomfortable when she sees me. Although I'm not overly friendly, I speak to her if I have to. Not doing so would be worse imo and I get a satisfaction from acting like I'm not bothered by her.

There are others though I'd never speak to again in a million years or be anywhere near and if I discovered we had a mutual friend, it would damage my relationship with that mutual friend.

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 18:58:57

That's interesting maddy, I wonder if mine would say the same thing?

Make you're welcome. I honestly didn't anticipate more than a handful of responses but it's certainly made me think.

Having thought about it, and going by the strength of the responses on here only way I would open up communication with this person is if they contacted me first to apologise. And even then, I'm not sure I would respond.

frankie80 Sun 11-May-14 18:59:01

I've just read what spring wrote. OMG are you for real? I hate some of my bullies with a passion and yes I do think of bad things happening to them but that's all, I just think it. If it happened, I'd actually feel sad.

Being glad someone is dead makes you as bad as them.

springsummerautumnpresents Sun 11-May-14 19:00:38

Turns out bullying can really fuck a person up!

expatinscotland Sun 11-May-14 19:01:55

Bad

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 19:02:51

Funnily enough frankie I bumped into someone else from school, several years ago now, who threatened to beat me up - I was terrified of her.

Anyway, this was at soft play and she chatted away, very friendly and full of the joys of spring! Turned out we had DS's the same age. Very different to the scary tough girl I remembered.

Sparklingbrook Sun 11-May-14 19:03:03

spring that is a disgusting thing to say.

gertiegusset Sun 11-May-14 19:04:39

springsummerautumnpresents

Awful that the girl bullied you but I can't see how saying her Mum totally deserved to die helps anyone.
Year six is so very young, maybe her Mother had been very ill, no excuse for her bullying you but perhaps explains her behaviour a little bit.
DD was bullied by her good friend, it wasn't the girl's Mothers fault. she was horrified when it all came out and while DD is no longer friends with the girl, we are still friends with her Mother.

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 19:07:54

spring that's a terrible thing to say. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

I also found out, years afterward, that yet another girl who used to pick on me (I was quiet and a bit quirky, which made me a bit of a target) had an awful home life - both her parents were alcoholics. She shouldn't have done what she did but her home life must have been bloody awful.

MrsDeVere Sun 11-May-14 19:09:13

Spring.
Fuck off.

Mrsjayy Sun 11-May-14 19:13:31

dont do it you wont achieve anything they will say oh we were kids blah blah and you wont get any resolution, the girl who bullied me appeared on my people you might know on facebook I honestly felt sick seeing her smiley face she was a nut job at school

Mrsjayy Sun 11-May-14 19:15:26

Spring that is a terrible thing to say somebodies mother deserved to die god sake get some help that is fucking twisted

expatinscotland Sun 11-May-14 19:15:36

spring, guess what? Your mum is also going to die. So are you.

springsummerautumnpresents Sun 11-May-14 19:16:40

I have asked Mumsnet to delete my comment as honestly none of you could possibly understand how evil this girl was. Seriously, to bully me a little would have been understanding in her position, but this girl made it her life long mission to make sure I didn't have a single friend and belittled me at every chance she could from like the age of 6. She bullied other girls too and they also agree she was just pure evil!

Smilesandpiles Sun 11-May-14 19:18:28

I can see where Spring is coming from though.

My dd's bully is clearly getting it from her mother as she's sticking the boot in as well now and not just with my DD but with others too, so as far as I'm aware, the sooner the mother and that child are wiped off the planet, the better.

usuallysuspect Sun 11-May-14 19:18:35

Spring , fuck off.

Mrsjayy Sun 11-May-14 19:18:47

spring you have no idea what any person on this thread went through but to be saying as a grown up her mum deserved to die is seriously wrong

expatinscotland Sun 11-May-14 19:20:23

So her mum deserved to die of a vile disease? You make me sick. You are just as bad, to even think that.

usuallysuspect Sun 11-May-14 19:20:24

I was bullied, I still don't think my bullies mother deserves to die from cancer.

MrsMaturin Sun 11-May-14 19:20:57

Dear me - given the choice between appearing a bit of a sap and saying 'hi bully, oh no it didn't really matter..' and behaving as Spring does on this thread I'll take the being a sap.

MrsDeVere Sun 11-May-14 19:22:32

I was bullied as a child.

I didn't make me gleeful that other people die of cancer.

Thank fuck.

MrsMaturin Sun 11-May-14 19:23:35

'My dd's bully is clearly getting it from her mother as she's sticking the boot in as well now and not just with my DD but with others too, so as far as I'm aware, the sooner the mother and that child are wiped off the planet, the better.'

You need help. Get help. This is not a good or reasonable way to feel.

Sparklingbrook Sun 11-May-14 19:24:20

It's the 'I still have my lovely mummy' that's very upsetting. So the bully's Mum wasn't lovely presumably and therefore deserved it. Ugh.

MeerkatTargaryen Sun 11-May-14 19:28:41

no would never contact a bully. Although I will forever regret not getting out my car and punching the bully in the face at the train station when I saw her there lol. I don't mean that really. I wouldn't ever have done it. I'm not that kind of person. And wouldn't have lowered myself to her level.

I was bullied throughout school. Most people just did it to 'fit in'. I don't hold it against those people. That girl didn't. She was just a bitch. I wouldn't wish her mother dead. Never met her.

Another girl friend requested me on fb. Yeah I don't think so love. I'm not friends with anyone from school apart from about 5 people who I still see and are my friends.

Sparklingbrook Sun 11-May-14 19:31:48

Same reason I would never attend a reunion. I am not in touch with anyone from school at all. I am quite sad about it but those memories are in a box in my head with the lid on.

EvenBetter Sun 11-May-14 19:32:01

I did it. My cunt of a bully ('bully' is a minimising type of word, isn't it? They're abusers) added me on Facebook, I accepted because I'm extremely nosy and also didn't mind her seeing my happy, successful life.
She sent me a pm saying 'well how's u how u been' type of illiterate shite, which made me seethe.
I replied 'I'm fabulous. Every day since I escaped the abject misery you caused me every day at school has been exponentially better and better. I was too scared to even send this to you, but thought fuck it, why should you get away unchallenged.'
Cunt replied saying sorry and that she didn't remember anything about school and also that she's a completely different person now.
Whatever. If you're scum and a fundamentally terrible person in your formative years, you're scum for life. It just took me a while to realise I'm better than her, and I always was.
I resent the lifelong impact the scum has had on me though. How dare she.

Mrsjayy Sun 11-May-14 19:33:00

OH i did have a friend request once from a boy who was a complete idiot and arse to me at school, I did think of blocking him but i said to him oh i dont remember you sorry it made me feel so good I know it was childish but

Tiredemma Sun 11-May-14 19:35:21

Her mum totally deserved to die after the way her daughter treated me

shock

Really?

Really?

EvenBetter Sun 11-May-14 19:35:48

I know someone will say 'bullies can change' etc. maybe. Who cares?
They probably just age, become the office bully/'banter', have dreary boring lives filled with empty power trips and a gnawing silent dread that one day someone will do the same to them or their offspring. I don't care about abusers or their capacity to change, I just wish they'd fuck off.

MrsMaturin Sun 11-May-14 19:36:16

Those of you in the 'bullies are forever scum/deserve to die/have their parents die when they themselves are still young children etc etc' camp might want to reflect on the unwelcome scenario that you yourselves may be parenting a child who is bullying others. You yourselves may get a phone call from school or other contact to tell you that you have a bully at your dinner table and sleeping in your house.

Bullying at school is a very complex issue and yes it leaves scars. Being a bully though is not something that happens to other people. It could happen to you and your children. So maybe try exercising a bit of discretion and forgiveness.

AlpacaYourThings Sun 11-May-14 19:38:40

Glad you aren't sending the message, OP. I don't think any good can come of it.

I was bullied at school and I wouldn't give any of them the satisfaction of knowing how much they affected me.

However, I was sent a FB message from a girl who I had 'bullied' at school.

She said that she was glad I looked so happy in my profile photo and wanted to thank me for being so mean to her as it made her a stronger person.

Our Deputy Head called me into her office one day because this girl had said I was bullying her. I hadn't even spoken to her, and she was two years below me at school and I barely recognised her.

It still confuses me nearly 15 years on what I could have possibly done to her. And the Facebook was the most bizarre thing I have ever read.

frankie80 Sun 11-May-14 19:41:37

spring, I'm pretty sure I was bullied as badly as, or even worse than you. I have a disability, so an easy target. I felt suicidal, I experienced violence and name calling. I had to get the police and lawyers involved. My parents complained to the council. I still suffer from anxiety. The girls made up all sorts of horrid rumours about me and also made sure I had no friends at all (I still don't, they still enjoy spreading untrue rumours). So yeah, I've had it really bad but I don't wish death on anyone. Maybe for their kids to get bullied, but not death.

firstchoice Sun 11-May-14 19:42:32

I wouldn't give them:

A. the chance to do it again.
B. the chance to ignore you (again, being disrespectful)
C. the chance to apologise - if they wanted to enough, they would have found you by now.

Leave WELL ALONE.

AlpacaYourThings Sun 11-May-14 19:43:16

I wouldn't wish for anyone's children to be bullied, surely their children are innocent and don't deserve that?!

EvenBetter Sun 11-May-14 19:43:31

I meant I don't think they become decent, civilised, empathetic adults, but I really couldn't give a shit if hey do or don't. Not my problem. I don't think about my abuser, except she has negatively impacted my entire life such as making me anxious etc. I don't think about her, talk about her, and I'm not a parent, so I'm definitely not raising an abuser myself.

SuperFlyHigh Sun 11-May-14 19:47:19

You know what I did? someone bullied me (not badly) but enough so I eventually left the school (for another reason too).

anyway years went by and I saw on Friends Reunited one of her friends (lets call her Rita) posted that the bully (lets call her Sandra) had had a tough time with her parents, lost contact, changed her name by deed poll etc.

Anyway FB comes around, Rita adds me as a friend on FB, all fine, then Sandra does too, all fine too. After a while I start to look into Sandra's life - she seems to have changed, is going to dance school at uni as mature student, seems very new age hippy but very reflective and a much nicer person, she posts various life coach stuff on You Tube and FB. Interesting.

One day, don't know why, just emailed her and it was heart felt - just told her I forgave her (I did) for bullying me and I knew why she did it and I hoped she was better now etc. The bully (Sandra) was actually (saw it first hand) bullied by her mother which I think was partly the reason why she changed her name etc… Sandra also now has a 10 year old DD as well as a 19 year old DS.

Anyway I got an email back thanking me for my email and a really sweet post on her wall about words said from the heart and pointing (not directly) to my email.

Having said that she has asked me to meet her for coffee when she's next in town but I can't bring myself to do that yet.

But it's a good feeling having forgiven someone. doesn't mean I've forgotten it though.

Tweasels Sun 11-May-14 19:48:53

I work with bullied children and children who are bullies. The majority of children who bully other children have very sad home situations. It's often a control thing. They have no control over the abject misery at home so control others at school. They often don't even realise what they are doing is wrong as speaking to someone like shit is how they are used to being spoken to.

I also see a lot of jealousy and resentment. Particularly among girls. A girl who has no self esteem perceives another girl as being better/prettier/cleverer than her so brings her down in order to better her own status in the eyes of those around her. It's rarely done with intent IMO, it's horrible for the victim though.

People can and do change though, all the time. That horrible person you remember from school may still be a horrible person. Or, they may be a really nice person who has learned to cope with whatever emotional difficulties caused them to be that way. They may feel hideous guilt and have to live with that which is maybe what they deserve.

I was lucky not to be bullied so I can only empathise with how you all must feel but I think to believe people don't ever change is wrong.

BOFster Sun 11-May-14 19:48:57

If you clck on her name and then block her, she won't see you and vice versa.

Itsfab Sun 11-May-14 19:50:16

shock springsummersutumnpresents. You can't be serious?

NearTheWindymill Sun 11-May-14 19:50:37

I have a terrible bully in my work team. Have only been there for a year and I know for four people she has reduced to tears - one of whom I have recruited. I have a meeting with her tomorrow I'm not looking forward to it. I have been writing index cards for days but I feel a bit scared. I am 54 and she is four grades below me. It is ingrained behaviour and I suspect that she has got away with it for years because she has gaslighted and scared everyone along the way. She is 59 - and has got away with it for far too long and isn't going to continue under my watch.

Should have been dealt with when she was about 13 I think. Just from working around her I know her DH was an alcoholic - was he driven? Her dd has been in CBT hmm. Three or four staff have already left because of her.

She has tried quite hard to bully me; I will NOT HAVE IT.

I don't think you can generalise about all bullies never changing. Some do - I have seen stories on here where people have met their bully and they have been genuinely sorry, and have become decent people. I do believe in the possibility of change and redemption. But I also think that making amends and apologising to your victims is a vital part of that, so any bully who says they have changed, but hasn't apologised to their victims, hasn't fully changed, imo.

However, I do think you are right that abuser is a better term than bully.

Darmok Sun 11-May-14 19:53:21

Good for you Windymill

There is some awful stuff on this thread. Shows how damaging bullying is.

BOFster Sun 11-May-14 19:53:25

It seems a bit daft to allow one person's stupid comment derail the whole thread. I think most people will take it as read that very few others would agree with it.

usuallysuspect Sun 11-May-14 19:55:40

So we ignore the comment then. Even if it upsets posters?

Anyway OP. I wouldn't contact her. I would block her.

MrsMaturin Sun 11-May-14 19:56:39

BOF - there's more than one comment and the orginal comment in question was shocking.

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 19:57:44

I've already blocked her BOF. One of the good things about FB, you don't have to deal with people if you don't want to!

I know a percentage are just nasty and probably always will be, but it doesn't surprise me that a lot of bullies have an unhappy home life.

I'm truly sorry for some of the awful experiences people have had. Bullying has such an awful impact, doesn't it.

BOFster Sun 11-May-14 19:58:53

No, I'm saying that it has already been challenged, and it might be a more interesting thread if it moves on and doesn't just get filled by a queue of of posters competing to express the most outrage. Not that contentious a suggestion, I wouldn't have thought.

spring how lucky you still have your mum. However evil my bullies (abusers) were, I wouldn't wish death even on them never mind their mothers. I may be bitter but I'm not that bitter. You comments horrifies me and makes me deeply, deeply sad.

Sparklingbrook Sun 11-May-14 19:59:07

It really does flip. i saw history repeating itself with DS1, and we moved him to a different school. There is no way he is going through what I did.

Coconutty Sun 11-May-14 19:59:59

My God that is an atrocious thing to say Spring

I hope it's not deleted and that you are ashamed of yourself.

Itsfab Sun 11-May-14 20:00:55

Windymill - I hope you are able to deal with the bully.

Mrsjayy Sun 11-May-14 20:02:34

a lot of the girls who bully my daughter and her friends seem to have happy homes lives I know some of their mothers and I bet they would be horrified with half the horrible things they say

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 20:03:22

Sorry to hear that Sparkling, I hope your DS is happier at his new school.

For the sake of context, I'm in my late 30s now and bullying generally (I know it isn't always) seems to be dealt with better now than it used to be, so that's something.

Nearly what you've described sounds very much like someone I used to work with. Staff never stay in her department for very long.

usuallysuspect Sun 11-May-14 20:03:48

So shocking posts allowed on MN now then?

Righto.

MrsDeVere Sun 11-May-14 20:05:28

I was bullied by various people for years at school.
I look back at my school career from about the age of 7 as a time of misery.

But the people bullying me were children ffs.

I understand the lasting trauma that bullying can cause but to talk of those childhood bullies as if they were fully formed adults is crazy.

Bullying by grown ups is different.

Sparklingbrook Sun 11-May-14 20:06:32

He really is thanks flip. smile

MrsDeVere Sun 11-May-14 20:07:05

Nah. I wouldn't let that comment go unchallenged. Even if it had already been challenged a hundred times before.

MakeMineaMartina Sun 11-May-14 20:07:20

I think id like them to get a taste of their own medicine and see how it feels/affects.

Itsfab Sun 11-May-14 20:07:57

I don't see anyone competing to do anything BOF but you might as well say that once someone has said one thing on a thread if anyone else agrees they can't post it as it has already been said.

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 20:11:19

Glad to hear it Sparkling smile.

Sparklingbrook Sun 11-May-14 20:19:51

I was lucky enough to spend 22 years working and not be bullied once. Workplace bullying seems terrifying.

IonaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 11-May-14 20:51:17

Evening everyone. This thread seems to be getting very heated. Spring has indeed contacted us to ask us to remove her earlier comment, which she obviously regrets.

Due to the high number of replies mentioning or quoting the comment, it's going to be very difficult to do without the thread becoming a doily, so we're going to let it stand.

It's very easy to say something you instantly regret on the internet. It would also be a shame to derail completely the OP's thread which has also had lots of interesting and helpful responses. Let's all try and stick to the matter in hand, eh, and draw a line under it?

proffers little pinkie in friendly gesture

Itsfab Sun 11-May-14 20:56:00

I think it had already been said and has moved on and it certainly wasn't getting that heated.

Iwillorderthefood Sun 11-May-14 20:57:06

Someone who bullied me badly at school requested I be friends in fb. I accepted and the first thing she did was apologise for being an absolute b**ch. We met up and it was fine.

Wishing cancer on someone, even a childhood bully is vilesad

Have u ever watched someone die of cancer??? Once you have seen the raw pain they go through, you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy.

Rochiana54 Mon 12-May-14 13:58:37

No. I would not give them the satisfaction of knowing they impacted greatly on my life.

As stated in a similar post, I had great pleasure in 'not remembering' a woman from school who was friends with those who bullied me. She was definitely a bystander who laughed at me.

It felt great watching her try to explain who she was!

I walked away feeling I had the upper hand as nobody likes to be forgotten, especially if they saw themselves as popular.

Rochiana54 Mon 12-May-14 14:08:08

What if the person does not take responsibility for what they did to you? You cannot force an apology.

You will end up feeling at their mercy again. Can you handle that? I couldn't.

I hated hate myself for never standing up to the bullies. The popular kids bullied me and the other kids saw me as weak and did exactly the same. I could not stand up to a group of people. I had no support from anyone. Teachers saw me crying in the classroom and did nothing. My friends just looked on and pitied me. I was torn apart on a daily basis with verbal abuse. I was called awful names, sworn at,shouted at. I

MakeMineaMartina Mon 12-May-14 17:43:48

when I was flat hunting once (to rent through estate agents) I was shown a flat and it was filthy and messy-Kim and Aggie would have walked out!- and turns out the tenant was there and she was someone whod bullied me at school. she still looked the same, all polished fingernails and blow dried hair and make up and office dressed but the flat......

all the fear came back but I managed to hold my own, don't know if she remembered me, I wasn't going to say I knew her, and said to the letting agentin a loud firm voice '' oh you should NEVER show a place in such a state, its disgusting, no one will want THIS''. oh it stinks.

and flounced out.

kerching to me, made me feel so much better. estate agent didn't know where to look!

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