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AIBU but not jicy enuf for AIBU

(40 Posts)
havenever Sat 03-May-14 09:01:36

Its a bit dull really, but would appreciate opinions all the same

dd goes to an activity on Saturdays from 8am to 1pm. She has been going for approx 2 years and we have been late maybe 4 times, no more than 10 minutes each time.

the woman who runs it is a bit fierce. That's ok. DD is a bit of a sensitive child, and i worried she would be upset by her. But she's not. So al good

this normal ng as i was leaving i heard the lady 'telling dd ooff' for being late. I went back and said it was my fault not dds. She said, well she needs to be told if shes late. And i responded, that she already knows she is late

it wasn't a big exchange. But,am i right in thinking she should take it up with me, not dd? It is beyond dds control. Or should she 'be told'

dd hates being late, and was worrying about it on the way there

EasterSundaySimmons Sat 03-May-14 09:20:04

You were rude by not approaching the woman and apologising for your tardiness.

By dropping your child off and walking away, the woman reproached your daughter so that her annoyance could be conveyed by the daughter to you, her mother.

To prevent the situation happening again, don't be late. You have a casual attitude towards your time keeping and it's unfair on your daughter and the lady running the club.

It's spelt enough, by the way.

havenever Sat 03-May-14 09:45:00

I had already apologised for being late.

i do not have a casual approach to time keeping in the slightest. I have an uncooperative dd2 who has to be woken at 630am to get dd1 to her activity

BUT, i am not disputing that the woman should take issue with lateness; but that she should take it up with the adult in charge. Not 8 year old dd

havenever Sat 03-May-14 09:46:26

I know it is spelt 'enough'. I chose to spell it 'enuf'

havenever Sat 03-May-14 09:51:18

I don't think its ok to convey annoyance, through a child. That is my point, i suppise

MidniteScribbler Sat 03-May-14 09:53:46

Then DD2 needs to get up at 6:15 to avoid being late. Being late to a class is the height of rudeness. It's disruptive to the teacher and other learners.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 03-May-14 09:54:04

Sorry..but I think if you don't want her told off for being late..don't be late.

MistletoeBUTNOwine Sat 03-May-14 09:54:53

YANBU smile

MistletoeBUTNOwine Sat 03-May-14 09:55:35

Can't dd2 stay at home?

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 03-May-14 09:56:55

Even if its hard..its still not the womans fault if she mentions it.

havenever Sat 03-May-14 09:59:20

No dd2 cant stay at home, she is 3!

havenever Sat 03-May-14 10:01:08

Its not a class. If she was late for the class part of it, she couldn't join in

You shouldn't have been late and you should have apologised to the woman for being so.

Yama Sat 03-May-14 10:05:51

The woman was wrong to take it up with your dd.

However, you are causing your dd stress by being late. I can empathise with your dd as I hate being late. Always have done. It's the anticipation that's the worst.

RhondaJean Sat 03-May-14 10:12:35

For heavens sake you lot, being ten minutes late twice a year for an activity that starts at 8am on a weekend morning while dragging a 3 year old with you is pretty good going and I do hope none of you are ever so much as a second lat for anything! Must be lovely to be perfect.

Op she was out of order, especially if you had already apologised. But try not to fret about it, is your dd the type to get stressed or will she be ok?

(btw I think you're doing bloody well)

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 03-May-14 10:14:12

Noone has said they are never late.

Just that if she is then its ok for woman to mention it.

RhondaJean Sat 03-May-14 10:20:08

She never said it wasn't - just that the child who does not control the lateness should not be the recipient of the stress. Which I agree with. And not one person has shown any empathy as to how difficult it is to get two small children out of the door early. She's been told she has a casual attitude to timekeeping - she's causing her daughter stress - she's the height of rudeness - for being late on average twice a year by ten minutes!

Can I also point out that the child is there for a learning experience I presume, and that starting that off by getting a row for something which I am sorry but is trivial in this ciscumstance could diminish that child's learning for the next five hours, and is not good practice on the part of the person taking the activity. At the very least she could have waited till the end for a gentle reminder if she absolutely HAD to speak to the small child.

Sorry but I can't stand lateness, from myself or anyone else.

I was early for my own wedding, the car had to go round the roundabout 3 times as I got there way too soon.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 03-May-14 10:22:39

I did acknowedge its hard.

But just dont think the woman is wrong to mention it.

Was told off at school aged 8 and it did me no harm <old gimmer>

I dont think it would spoil the DD's whole lesson.

Givesyouhell Sat 03-May-14 10:29:32

Absolutely agree with Rhonda. The child wasn't to blame. Why chastise her?

MILLYmo0se Sat 03-May-14 10:30:43

I can understand how you would be late on a rare occasion trying to get 2 children up and out the door (and I HATE being late for anything, I always arrive too early !),but I don't see how or why you would drop her off late and not immediately go to apologise for being late ? It is manners and would have prevented your child getting the lecture - I can see why someone would mention it to the child, as the lack of apology it seems like the parent isn't bothered by the lateness.

Spispens Sat 03-May-14 10:30:46

I don't think the child should be punished as you are late, personally.

RhondaJean Sat 03-May-14 10:31:09

It has the potential to. I'm a learning and development specialist and one of my interest areas is barriers to learning, while some children (or adults) would brush that off, for others (including me at that age actually) it would have a huge impact on that day and the fact you actually remember it a zillion years later grin shows the potential that can have.

If she was late every week it's very different but even then I think the conversation is with the parent not the child at that age.

RhondaJean Sat 03-May-14 10:31:46

She did apologise though Milly.

Shonajay Sat 03-May-14 10:32:28

I used to get so stressed as a child as my mum was like this. Apologise to your dd, and even bribe uncooperative child to be there on time. It wasn't kind of the teacher.

Mrsjayy Sat 03-May-14 10:34:45

I think they do this to children (which isn't on imo) so it filters back to the parents it is to shame you so you get up earlier grin yanbu though I know it was a one off but can you just lift your 3 yr old put her in the car and head off and get her sorted when you get back

iK8 Sat 03-May-14 10:51:32

Yanbu. The child doesn't cause the situation so what is the child to do about it? I think you did the right thing. You apologized and took responsibility for the lateness. For her to then have a pop at an 8 year old is low.

That said, where lateness is due to the child being a pita about getting ready or messing about sometimes it's usuful to be backed up with another telling off, but only when it is due to the child's action.

havenever Sat 03-May-14 10:56:34

I did apologise

i know i am causing dd stress by being late, which is why i try really hard not to be late. And vast majority of time it works.

dd2 was under 1 year old when this activity started, so my approach to 'how to get up in the morning' has changed over time. I have recently been lifting her straight from bed into car seat. This morning she woke up beforehand, and had an almighty hissy fit about not wanting to go

anyway, I'm not actually trying to defend my lateness. And i understand that it is annoyindisruptive. My issue entirely is, that i don't want dd1 to be reprimanded for it. I do think it will effect her day. She was really worried about being late.

but i accept, that majority opinion appears to be that it is acceptable for woman to tell her off

havenever Sat 03-May-14 10:57:57

Really interesting rhonda what you say about barriers to learning though

MILLYmo0se Sat 03-May-14 11:17:37

oh sorry, I must have misread the OP and thought you only apologised AFTER the lady had spoken to your DD about being late.
Sorry OP

chinam Sat 03-May-14 11:28:10

I don't care how late you were, it's not the child's fault. If the teacher has a problem, it's with you and that is who she should have spoken to

nonameisgoodname Sat 03-May-14 11:38:26

Does the teacher/group leader know that the lateness is caused by dd2?

Maybe she could have assumed it was because of dd1?

panevino Sat 03-May-14 11:42:38

I would agree in general that it isn't right to chastise the child for lateness they have no control over but I do wonder in this instance whether it is quite a serious activity (8am to 1pm on a Saturday that involves getting up at 6.30am from the age of 6 sounds pretty 'hardcore' to me!!) so they maybe expect the participants to act more grown-up and take more responsibility for themselves or something??! Not that I actually think that is right by the way, just speculating!!

I do sympathise though, it can be a nightmare trying to get small children out the door at times. I take it you don't have anyone to watch the younger one while you drop dd1 off...

hackmum Sat 03-May-14 11:49:31

I agree with you, OP. And it's all very stressful. I am very punctual, and was almost never late for anything before I had DD. But babies and toddlers just sabotage your best laid plans.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Sat 03-May-14 11:50:03

Rhonda is correct based on my personal experience.

I was late for school when five and my mum took my into the classroom and explained that it was her fault. Once she had left the teacher shouted and screamed at me for my lateness, leaving me in tears.

I am now still terrified of being late and it causes me extreme anxiety whenever I am which is disproportionate to the consequences of my lateness.

She was totally out of order to give your dd into trouble, it wasn't her fault and she was aware of that. You should know better than to take your frustration out on a child if you work with them in a professional capacity.

Spispens Sat 03-May-14 13:11:28

coffee sad

Atbeckandcall Sat 03-May-14 13:23:38

I don't think you've been unreasonable at all. In assuming you're paying for these Saturday morning sessions too? Not that it makes loads of difference but if you are and you are rarely late (as you've stated) then the lady isn't going to do well to keep people there are attract people in with that attitude.
I also think that of the woman knew your dd gets dropped off by you, she had no need to chastise your dd for it. Especially of you had already apologised. I don't see how it's debatable really.

nennypops Sat 03-May-14 13:31:35

Off the point, I know, but who the hell runs a Saturday activity starting at 8 a.m., and what is it? It's against my principles to stir out of the house before 9 at the earliest at the weekends.

ThePowerOfMe Sat 03-May-14 15:10:26

I agree with you OP. Its not your dds fault and the woman should have taken it up with you. I'm glad you went back and 'stuck up' for your dd.

havenever Sat 03-May-14 16:44:05

nenny its horses. She goes to muck out, brush horses, tack up etc to get horses ready for lessons. And whilst she is there she has a lesson for an hour of that time. So its not serious pane if you were thinking along the lines if training hard, like gymnastics or swimming etc

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