Mumsnet Talk

My mum has been made homeless, she rang the shelter line and they directed her to an open house in her town, they are full. She's sitting outside the building on the floor. They have told her they wont bring her in unless the temp drops to below 0. The council have told her if she was over 60 or ill they would help?

Any idea what she can do now please?

My mum is an alcoholic and even though she is not drink at the moment, she is ill from a binge a few days ago, I can't have her here.

That's so sad

Is there absolutely no way you could take her in ? Even on the short term?

I have been homeless and it is scary and lonely .

Please , if you can , don't leave your poor mum sitting on the doorstep of the building

Why can't she stay with you?

Alcoholic or not I couldn't be heartless enough to leave her OUTSIDE it's fucking freezing out there! Go and get her.

Check her into a hotel for the night and deal with it when the relevant authorities are open tomorrow?

No, I can't. I have children in my house and they come first.

Cassie this is not your problem. We don't know the full facts but shelters and hostels do not turn people away unless they have good reason. That reason is often that the alcoholics behavior in those places has caused chaos. Most probably her luck has run out.

This is the consequence of her own actions. It is not up to you to bail her out, put her up or sort her accommodation out. Be strong - you will not be helping by putting her up - you will just be enabling her to carry on.

Alcoholics are selfish and manipulative.

Can you google to see if there are any other shelters in your area?

Is there a women's hostel? What town is this? Tell us where OP and we;ll try to help.

What about WA? Chruch? Y Hostel? Could you pay for a night at the cheapest hotel b/b in the area for her?

How awful for you and for her. Sorry that you are going through this.

Is there no other family or friends she could stay with? could you possible book her a room in a travel lodge just for tonight?

Cassie don't listen to anyone who does not have first hand experience of living/ dealing with an alcoholic.

Don't believe what she tells you either, she'll use you, your children, anyone to get herself fit to have the next drink. She knows exactly what she has to do to stop drinking.

Be strong this is not your problem. It's hers. Don't feel guilty

She is your mother, it is freezing. You must know someone who could give her shelter overnight, even if you dont feel you can. How can you just leave her?

My stepfather was an alcoholic, I can fully understand why she does not want an alcoholic in the house when dc are there.

Are there any other relatives or friends that could take her in?

You've made me cry Penelope, I'm trying so hard to be strong this time. She's a dangerous drunk which is why I can't have her here, been in this horrible battle with her and her alcoholism for 7 long sad years.

I just feel so bad It's so cold outside. I feel guilty for being warm at home.

OP what town is she in?

If you take her in the authorities will just consider her living with you.

Its harsh, and I was nearly homeless twice last year, but I agree that taking her in isnt as simple as it sounds.

Why was she made homeless?

Alcoholics are selfish and manipulative

...and human. It's an illness.

whore when someone is an alcholic it isn't always that simple. In an ideal world the OP would be able to take her in but she has made it pretty obvious that she feels that would be bad for her children and they do need to come first.

Cassie - you do what's right by your children.

I would google your local town and churches etc as many have an open night rota set up.

Failing that, a cheap b&b? Did she speak to the council today?

She has no family left apart from me, no one has spoken to her in years, she has no friends either.

Cassie it is hard but you must be strong for you and your own family. She will not put you first, so you must put you first.

Please ignore anyone who says pay for a travel lodge etc.

This is hard for you and she will play on your guilt. She has to face the consequences of her own actions but she'll try anything not to have to face up to it. And don't listen to her blackmail either "I won't drink again if you do xyz".

Have you a Simon Community charity near you? Google them. They helped us and were great.

Tell us what town Cassie so we can help you locate a place for her.

Like someone suggested, can you put her up in a b&b? I understand you don't want her around your children.

She's in Crawley.

Cassie you are right you put your children first. If you feel she is a danger to you or your children which you clearly do then she cannot come to your home. I have a family member I would no allow in my home no matter what, I am not a terrible person but people make choices in life and sometimes that means they lose sympathy and help.

Firstly, there are shelters and hostels out there, phone shelter again, explain they have no space for her and they may be able to find her help and she might be classed as vunerable, speak to social services, they might be able to get her support and take her to the single homeless persons unit, i know it cant happen tonight, but start tomorrow.

Cassie - I hope you listen to Penenlope. It must have been incredibly difficult and painful for you to get to this point. Your mum will be OK for one night.

I wish you strength.

www.woking.gov.uk/housing/options/homelessness/hostels?go=all there is a list of shelters in Crawley Cassie...call them all up...

Cassie - you're clearly trying to help now.

My brother is an alcoholic and the one time I went against my gut and let him stay my 2 yo dd woke up to a blood bath because he'd cut himself up. I couldn't ever have him in again. Outsiders would call me heartless but I couldn't.

If she happens to be near brighton I may be able to find a shelter for her.

Are you on twitter? A month ago someone local tweeted a few homeless services about a guy on her doorstep and she got him a bed for the night that way. Worth a shot maybe?

I really don't want to pay for her. I've spent thousands of pounds paying for her already. I don't know why she has been kicked out of her accommodation but it happened after she had been drinking, she's a violent drinker.

Try streetlink www.streetlink.org.uk

They may be able to help.

Sorry this is horrid but she must sort herself out and for the system to give her any help you can't intercede or she won't be classed as homeless.

Some people really don't understand addiction, you know she mustn't be around your family... I would try shelter again.

cassie sorry, I think penelope is right, try the list of numbers.

Please dont feel bad about this. Yes its an illness, but you cannot let it bring your family down too.

Does she have a social worker? I suggest you contact them tomorrow.

Cassie don't pay anymore. Don't do anything. Let her sort it put herself.

We paid thousands to a 'posh' rehab over the years my alcoholics drank on the day he came out! He now says that he just looked at it as getting him fit to continue on his drinking career. Of course he didn't tel, me that at the time, he fed me a load of lies about how he was ready to change.

It took very tough love for him to eventually stop ( after 30 years of drinking), he lost his job, his licence, his children, his home. Everything. He was on his own. He stopped.

Admittedly . I don't have first hand experience of alcoholism - but I have if homelessness .

It's an awful situation to be in and I feel sad for your mum but I wasn't judging .

If she is violent then I totally understand your position - I world be the same.

Dp's hidden my car keys and phone. It's so tough

is she know to the Drug and Alcohol Action Team for your area? If not, one last thing I would do for her would be to physically take her there for advice. if she gets on their books, she would be more likely to be able to access out of hours support in the future.

Poor you Cassie. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. Your DH sounds like he's being very supportive. Let him help you. Good luck.

Good for DP! It is tough, it's bloody heartbreaking.

You would not be helping by 'helping her'. You can help by detaching, by looking after yourself and your family.

Stop doing what you've been doing. The definition of insanity is 'doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.'

You didn't Cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Oh Cass poor you.
Your children come first-you cannot have her there and you must not feel bloody bullied into it by people who have had no experience of it
Agree that if you are up to it, go through some numbers for her but please don't feel obligated. Your obligation in this instance is to providing a safe environment for your kids in THEIR home. x

Did they refer her to Crawley Open House? www.crawleyopenhouse.co.uk/Riverside%20House.htm

They have a drop in day centre which will be open tomorrow from 10am-2pm. The health team there should be able to help her - they are very good. They only have 24 beds though, which is presumably why they are full. They may still have some warm clothes etc for her - I know they receive new clothes each year from a clothing charity.

Can you speak to them tomorrow & encourage her to go to the day centre?

Good luck & stay strong!

I heard a guy from street link on the radio the other day. Supounds promising as you would be telling them of a rough sleeper but not taking on more responsibility which you are uncomfortable with

Aw Cassie you poor thing. I can't offer any help but want back your decision to not have her at your house

I've worked with addicts and alcoholics. It may seem heartless to others but you are right, your children and husband come first. No practical advice. Just wanted to back your decision too. Don't spend any more money. It's tough love but sometimes there is no other way, and helping her won't help her if you know what I mean.

this is ridiculous wtf you need to look after your mum no matter what she did! wake up . at least pay her a hotel or a cab to come over or do anything to help she is your mum who carried you in her tummy and looked after you when you were unable to look after yourself ,you need to act now

and for the people who said she has got no obligation I think this is evil to think in such a way or to give advice .KEEP IT FOR YOURSELF

No child is ever responsible for their parents. Ever.

The OP is responsible for her children first and foremost.

Elderly parents being cared for is different to a violent drunk. The OP is NOT responsible for her mum.

myheart - as a mum who carried her dc in her tummy Cassie owes it to her children not to bring this drama into their safe home.

Just because this women is her mother does not mean she has the right to cause chaos and possibly harm to Cassie.

myheart you clearly have no experience of alcoholism. Your post is insulting to those who have and extremely hurtful for the OP. I won't respond to any further post of yours on this subject.

Cassie please ignore those like myheart

Myheart - if Cassie was a 12 year old posting this would you still suggest she look after her mother?

Cassie - sometimes people need to realise that no one else will bail them out next time before they start to take responsibility for themselves at last. If she know's she has you to lean on again and again she'll never learn to stand up for herself.

You're being a wonderful mother to your children and that trumps your duty as a daughter a million times over. Hold strong.

Myheart This isn't AIBU, if you have no experience of this, I kindly suggest you keep your opinions to yourself. The OP has her children to safeguard. It is a safeguarding issue, a violent drunk is terrifying as an adult, to a child it is a lot worse.

OP, are you okay?

Cassie - no advice or experience but I'd just like to be another voice of support. I think you are doing the right thing, there's no way in hell I'd bring anyone into my house if I thought they were a danger to me or my dd, family or not.
Be brave

Do one myheart. Living with an alcoholic gets very tiresome very fucking quickly. Cassie is right to look after herself and her own family.

I'm sorry Cassie, what a terrible situation. xxx

Myheart, Cassie has explain that her mother is a violent alcoholic, what part of that did you fail to understand? Cassie has children. She cannot house a violent alcoholic in the same house where children are. The social services will become involved. The children will be placed on the At Risk Register. Your advice was incredibly ignorant and harmful to Cassie's children, please don't give such awful advice again.

Cassie, do some ringing around, if necessary get your husband to chuck a sleeping bag or duvet out of the car window at her, but for all the reasons above, do not let her come anywhere near you or yours.

my mother has a drink problem , i dont have kid sbut if i did i would feel uncomfortable with her staying with me but you also have the fact regardless of her flaws she is your mum at the endo of the day no matter how good or bas she has been, in my opinion i would try finder somewhere to stay for tonight an she can sort things out from tomorrow. my mother has treated me badly all of my life but even icouldn not leave her out in the cold.
sorry if no1 agrees with this its just my opinion i dont want to make anyone feel bad either just giving my thoughts

xx

This is sooooo hard. I really feel for your Cassie. Horrible situation. I have a bit of experience of people with addictions and unless you have seen the dreadful effects long term alcohol mis-use can have on someone, no one can come out with stuff like "you have to bring your Mum to your place." Over a period of time alcohol marinates the brain and can make people paranoid and/or violent to the point of being murderous. As much as it might churn you up inside not to, you can't let someone in that altered state into your home. It's just not safe. They could literally do anything.

I hope somewhere will take your Mum tonight Cassie. But please don't be hard on yourself. As has been pointed out, sometimes it can actually help someone turn the corner when they realise they are at rock bottom and no one is going to bail them out. Sometimes, sadly people are too far in the grip of alcohol to be able to do that. You can't do anything other then try identify a place or organisation that can help and then step back.

Littlebutton, with all due respect, you don't have a child, how can you know how it feels to be torn between your mothers safety and your child's safety? Children come first because they do not have a choice. I would not put my child in a situation where they are expected to share a roof with a violent alcoholic who weighs four times more than they do.

If your mum isn't actually drunk tonight couldn't u put her up for one night and drop her at the centre tomorrow morning to get herself sorted?
Alcoholism is so difficult and there does have to be a point of tough love but its winter and its not a risk I'd be willing to take.

Cassie - I totally respect and understand the importance of not having your mum in your home and that your children must take priority, but that there is always the emotional tie as she is your mum however difficult that is. I will probably be shot for what I am about to say, but... your mum could try what quite a few other homeless alcoholics in the area do and that is to develop sufficient 'symptoms' to get herself admitted to East Surrey ED so long as she is well behaved and isn't banned for violence already. At least she would have a bed/trolley for the night in the warm and she can sort things out in the morning when the relevent agencies are open.Dons hard hat and runs...

Cassie you are doing the right thing. She is a grown woman who has made her choices. She didn't get into this position overnight did she? She's no doubt had the warnings and the near misses and now the shit has hit the fan.

Flojobunny, really dangerous advice. What if she violently attacks one of the kids? Alcoholics are not violent just when they are drunk, they are violent when they have the dts, violent when sober and they want to drink. This woman has been thrown out of homeless accommodation because of her violent behavior and you want Cassie to take her home to the same house where children live? Would you move a violent offender in with your kids? Because blood ties mean nothing, nothing at all to an addict.

No helpful knowledge here.

Just a hand to hold to stay strong. This is the best thing you can do for her.

Cassie, another one here agreeing that you are doing the right thing. Now is the time that she has to help herself.

To the posters who think the OP is evil, my father had a drink problem and I wouldn't have pissed on him if he was on fire!

A lot of new posters on this thread ...

<taps side of nose>

What the actual? BIWI what does that mean and MNHQ if you suspect anything untoward why not pull the thread?

Any update OP? Is all ok?

Agree with what others have said. Your kids come first.

Can she get too police station or hospital?if she hasnt drank for a few days she could be withdrawing and may need medical attention such as IV fluids I think your right not to have her in your home good luck x

Cassie I guess your mum has been evicted from her recent accommodation.

Abit late but here are your options:
Call around homeless shelters - at this time of night, you'll be lucky
Go to the police station and advise them that she's homeless and vulnerable due to alcohol
Get a cheap hotel (prob best option for tonight)
Spend a night in A&E room, not comfortable but warmer and safer than the streets.

Tomorrow:
She needs to go the council and declare her self as homeless, if she has made herself intentionally homeless by eviction for anti social behaviour or rent arrears, she has made her self intentionally homeless and therefore the council do not have responsibility to put her in emergency accommodation BUT they do have the responsibility to find your mum some sort of accommodation, this could be a hostel, hotel. This will be a temporary measure, I assume mums on benefits?

Whilst mums in temporary accommodation, she will more than likely be placed as high priority and be housed in 4-8 weeks. If mum is on benefits, the council should contact housing benefit on her behalf and arrange payment this way, if they don't you will need to do this, or the cycle starts again.

Don't listen to these people, some alcoholics are not violent but some are and if someone was a threat to my children, I would do all I could to help, but wouldn't put my children at risk.

Is your mum in a place that she will accept professional help?

MrsMushroom

Thats a message MNHQ puts on any thread that they feel might lead to MNetters going out of their way to help. Its generic and doesnt mean there is anything wrong with the OP.

It's a warning to other MNetters not to get too involved without thinking. None of us really know who anyone is on here.

cassie stay strong and don't crumble

it's not your fault
you didn't cause it
you can't help

cup of tea and off to bed with you my dear; you may not sleep but you shall rest awhile

and of course, to lurkers, what BIWI said

a mum is mum . it is very difficult for cassiec , the children are safe at home if she cannot take her home then she can find alternative solution ,its not about having experience or not its about duty about relationship between mum and daughter .her mum needs her now then ever. you need to learn to respect you parents and look after them with the minimum you can do and no matter what good you do to them it will never equal the good thinks they did to you when you were all little

no, myheart, I implore you to listen to folk on here with experience

one cannot ''help'' an alcoholic, all that one can do is not enable

Duty and respect are trumped by alcoholism and violence.

or what Donna said so much more succinctly

donna you have been flagged

myheart, you need flagged.

Your posts are so offensive. Some mothers are utterly vile to their kids. Carrying a child in your tummy doesnt make you a mother. Loving your child and not putting them in positions like the OP is what makes you a mother.

no matter what good you do to them it will never equal the good thinks they did to you when you were all little

What a spectacularly stupid thing to say. You type like you're hammered so maybe that's your excuse.

myheart isn't a mummy either, he is a man ...
(whose posts are very idiotic and completely insensitive)

Myheart, if you have nothing helpful to say then I would pootle back off from whence you came.

Cassie, I hope you are okay this morning.

Just another message of support Cassie. I have a little experience of what you are going through and unfortunately your Mum has to decide on her own to tackle this, she has to reach her own rock bottom.

Really sorry you are going through this.

Hope you're OK today Cassie, was thinking of you last night/this morning

myheart babies are NOT carried in 'tummies'.... Basic biology!

Hello, I'm the OP. I can't get on with my normal name for some reason and mumsnet are not getting back to my emails. I really hope no one thought I wanted money because I really didn't.

Mum text me today, she's in the shelter until 4pm then she will have to go back outside again. I've not answered as really am trying to be strong and not get involved. But will prob ring the shelter anonymously later on and see if she is there. and ok, if the staff will tell me.

Thanks so much for support it really does mean a lot. I only slept for an hour last night because I was just absolutely eaten up with guilt.

Thanks for the update OP. I really hope it works out for you and for your mum.

Try to get some sleep today.

op it speaks volumes that your DH hid your keys and phone. try not to beat yourself up about it.

Cassie - just read all this, well done for staying strong. A friend has been through all this with her Mum and had to be very strong like you - it is the only way.

Its awful and hearbreaking but its not your responsibility

I'm glad to see that your DH has given you your phone back.

OP - thanks for the update. Was reading your post last night but couldn't reply as it touched a nerve. Please stay strong for your DC. I would see of you can speak to your mums gp and see if they can offer support through addiction services. Thinking of you

Spammy have a little understanding with living with an addict, though it was my dbro. He was an alcoholic and was known for being a nightmare. He would steal from my mum and I, he would run up a huge bill in the pub I worked in knowing I would be embarrased and pay it off again when I turned up at work, he became increasingly violent too. In the end my mum had to throw him out of the house with all his belongings. Our little sister was quite young and was becoming frightened of him as soon as he turned up. It was hearbreaking. But we knew she was doing the right thing. It was only a matter of time before he caused someone serious damage and we would have never forgiven ourselves if he had hurt the baby of the family.
It was a long tough road for him but he has now been totally dry for just over 8 years, and has a lovely, very different life now with his girlfriend and 2 children.
We are all so so proud of him because he worked his way up from total rock bottom.

I understand what you say when you tell us that you can't have her in the house with your children yet also that you feel so bad for her. You're helping her in the longrun. You have to stay firm, and believe in yourself. Let go of the guilt, and I hope you have a better nights sleep tonight.

Don't feel guilty op. If she is violent then you have done the right thing by not letting her stay in the same house as your kids.

I'm glad she has a roof over her head though.

I'm sorry Spammy, you've done the right thing.

A relative (now deceased) was an abusive alcoholic. As much as I loved him, I never told him where I lived just in case he'd turn up when drunk.

Big hugs xxx

colditz

i was not saying her mother should go and stay with her all i said was to see if somewhere could take her in , as for not having children unfortunately i just lost mine so, if i hadn't i would be in the situation with having a drunk and abusive mother of my own and my first as would anybodys first though is to keep your children safe, that is of paramount

xx