Mumsnet Talk

Some of you will be aware of my very difficult relationship with my parents, my mother in particular. She emotionally abused me for years and still does to a certain extent, though I have learned to just ignore. There's a lot of back story here, but I have MH issues, due to her treatment of me, and have been in long term therapy because of it.

She always, without fail demands money/vouchers for any occasion, saying that no other gift is acceptable. I didn't give into this at Christmas (for the first time ever) and they both got what I could afford, which, as I'm a single parent on disability benefits isn't a lot.

Anyway, they were here this morning, and both have birthdays 4 days apart in March, and Mother's Day this year is on the same day as my father's birthday, the 10th. Mother said could I just give them money or vouchers for all these occasions as nothing else would be any use, and would not be wanted anyway. She made a sarcastic comment about my last year's MD gift, saying she never uses it ( a small garden tools set, as she loves her garden) but I could give her money/voucher instead.

I should add that for Christmas every year, I get toilet rolls and kitchen scrubbers from them! And things like loose clothes hangers and paper hankies for my birthday.

I told her, that no, this would not be possible this year, as I had already bought things (I haven't! I intend to either buy something very cheap, or find something that's just lying around in the house)

I'm just so tired of her demands for money when she knows I'm struggling, and as at Christmas, I'm not going to give into them.

Just give a card. They give you rubbish and you haven't much money, who cares if they don't like it

Stick to your guns.

Great to hear you're not going to give in

A card, or even an e-card every time

I agree, a card and that's it.

I think you're doing really well disconnecting as much as possible

if you still don't feel ready to give her nothing then any old thing will do - maybe you can work towards just sending her a card?

Just remember that she deserves nothing from you, you have nothing to prove to her. And that you are fine, just as you are without her approval. She's a fucking bag, and you're not.

A card with a pound coin sellotaped inside?

It's the thought that counts.

Try not to lose sleep over it. It isn't worth it.

I can see some good ideas for her gift--toilet paper, clothes hangers or kitchen scrubbers. Doesn't she tell you she knew you could use them? Well, I am sure she can use these things.

I'd be very tempted to donate a oat in her name to Oxfam. Or nothing at all.

The cheek of the woman! Have you ever tried responding that it's rude to demand gifts? Why do you bother if all she ever gets you is a scrubbing brush?

I'm working up to just giving them a card giveme

Honestly it's taken me years, and lots of therapy to get this far, I've always just given in before and shoved money in cards just for the sake of a quiet life.

It will piss them off big time anyway, to just get very cheap gifts!

*a goat

How about a world gift?
Money or vouchers take much less emotional involvement for you though. Do you not demand the same from her btw?

I grew up terrified of this woman, she was never physically abusive, but very cruel emotionally, I'm still not totally over this fear.

I think I have a very cheap pair of earrings I got from Asda, I was thinking of giving her that, and something like an ice scraper for my father, really cheap stuff that she will know that I've taken no care over, and spared all expense!

I will get a real sense of satisfaction knowing that they'll be spitting blood over it.

A card with a charity voucher for 5 quid. It's a voucher, goes to a good purpose, and is as much as you can afford.

Or make her some peppermint creams.

Icing sugar, peppermint essence and egg white and water. Cut out prettily and wrapped in tissue. t V embarrassing to refuse as you point out it is home made. Depending on whether you have tissue paper, costs about 2.50. Add a polyanthus for another 75p to 1.50. If you have a dc who is young enough they can help.

oh zukie she sounds awful.
I wish I could send you a birthday present.

I once asked for money towards buying a new bookcase Shellington she just told me to get rid of my books, and she wasn't giving me money as "You'll only spend it"

Last Christmas I asked for an Amazon voucher as my DDs had bought me a Kindle, and I could buy books for it with a voucher, and was told "No, we don't do vouchers for that, you have plenty books, have these toilet rolls instead"

The problem is, I just don't have the money to buy vouchers for two birthdays in one week, and something for MD as well.

50p in a card <channels the spirit of my granny>
Stick to your guns zukiecat

Can you not re-wrap what they gave you at Christmas? Or say "I wanted to be completely fair so I have priced up what you gave me for my birthday and here is a voucher to the same approximate value", and enclose a voucher for £3. TBH it sounds like your best efforts will never be good enough so you might as well be as rude and thrifty as you can.

You can do fudge or chocolate truffles with whisky for your father or a jar it marmelade. Or anothet voucher. Good gifts ( on phone and can't do link )have small gifts you can do, eg a pair of socks for a homeless person.

Say sweetly and assertively you knew they would appreciate the effort that has gone in. Or that they would appreciate the money , as much as you could afford, being given in their name. Both will irritate the heck out of them but put you clearly in the right.

Go for the "I've made a donation to charity on your behalf" instead of a gift this year . That should sting nicely.

I have 3 DC thewhistler but they are 21, 20 and 18, not kids.

Both DDs are at college, and DS is still at school, so they don't have heaps of money either, but I'm sure none of them will mind helping me make something, but to buy the stuff (I don't bake, or make things at all) might cost more than I want to spend.

It's a good suggestion though

Your title made me .

She wouldn't get Jack from me. Ungrateful cow.

Don't get her anything. Just tell her 'you keep telling me that there's nothing you need so I've made a donation to a charity on your behalf instead'.

She sounds like a stinker. She also sounds as though she is jealous of your intellect and your interests.

The earrings sound fine. Ditto the ice scraper.

Keep the making things or charity stuff for one upmanship for Christmas, or use the making stuff for MD.

Just thinking Variety Club badges cost £1 don't they?

So I give to charity, she gets a brooch to wear, and with the 99p for the ice scraper, add maybe £1 for 2 cheap cards, that's a grand total of £4!

Sounds like a plan to me.

Re-wrap the toilet rolls, or splash out on pound shop bog rolls and wrap those up.

OR

Say you've decided only to do gifts for children from now.

They sound awful.

I am so glad you stuck to your guns at Christmas. Did you also go through with your intention of not going over there on Christmas Day? I was thinking of you and wondering how you were getting on. The simple thing is that you can,t afford anything. They either accept thatfact or reject it but either way it makes no difference to you. I would really be tempted to gift wrap some loo rolls for her. Is your father as bad? I think the ice scraper sounds good or the best that you can find in poundland would do for him.

Don't let them browbeat you. Your are a strong cat so get your claws sharpened. Do they treat your children as badly as they treated you? I might be more generous minded towards them if they were 'normal' grandparents.

Gosh I think you're justified whatever you want to do. They sound awful.
They're lucky they still have you and your family in their life.

whistler - a homemade gift involves care, time and effort. I don't think zukiecat's mother is a good candidate for these.

Wow, I'm struggling to believe anybody could be so un-self aware as your mother clearly is. Really odd.

I understand why you can't go for nothing. I second the 50p/£1 sellotaped into a card.

Sorry you've been cheated of lovely parents zukie.

My friends and me all decided years ago that we wouldn't even do gifts for the children, it was just all getting so expensive and out of hand, we just send cards now, which suits everybody.

I naturally buy gifts for my own DC, my parents are the only people that demand things from me.

Everyone else behaves like a normal, decent person.

Buy exact same number of toilet rolls as you received. Individually wrap and deliver in a shiny gift bag. Say you wanted to give a gift you knew she could use.

Flapping

Yes, we just stayed here on Christmas Day, and it was absolute heaven! Though I did miss the spectacle of my mother measuring the slices of beef with her tape measure, and carefully spooning out exact measures of peas and carrots, always good for a laugh

Unfortunately, they don't treat my DC much better than they do me, DD1 got a tin of vaseline lip stuff for her 18th birthday.

The main problem is I'm not my brother, their golden boy, his DC get the 5 star treatment as well.

Your present ideas sound good OP. was it you who had the dreadful aunts who sent a note saying 'not good enough'? Apologies if not.

I am horrified reading this op- they'd be lucky to get a card from me. Just send a card and if she moans say you can't afford anything and you don't mind not getting anything from them in the future.

Post the cards, and ring to wish happy birthday. Then you can get off the phone and control the conversation even if you have to get a dc to manically ring the doorbell.

Yes that was me MrsKoala!

WTF did I do in a previous life to deserve all this in this one!

We've not heard a peep out of the Unprincipled Aunts since

They are horrid. Do not feel obliged to them in any way

Ha! Did your mum say anything about it? What did you send in the end? I seem to remember you composing a return message with your dd.

See, mortally offending them so they don't speak to you again is clearly the way to go!

I still like 50p in a card. "but I DID give you money, like you asked for, mother!"

Oh, if you are buying gifts, this could be an occasion for a Goat from Oxfam ... says so much, and does so much good.

You stuck to your guns at Christmas Zukie, you proved you can do this.
I wouldn't even bother with a card, it's time you cut them out of your life completely.

I'd re-gift her whatever she last gave me; but I appreciate that I didn't grow up with this witch as my mother. Asda earrings and an ice-scraper sound excellent. But are you sure there's nothing obviously broken second-hand that you could give them instead ?

Well done for last Christmas!

zukie - sorry if you've been over this in previous posts, but why are you still in contact? Life is too short - you deserve better

Anyone who gives toilet rolls for Christmas should be getting them back for their birthday. That is one of the most shocking things i have ever heard-the psychology of that is terrible. Why you don't block her out of your life is beyond me . Poor you x you don't deserve such treatment from anyone, let alone your mother

If she gives you toilet paper, you give her toilet paper right back!

U would give her toilet paper i'd wiped my arse on!
They deserve nothing, they give you nothing, don't do it.

I would not u.

Someone did mention on here once that I get her one of those toilet rolls printed to look like money!

Now that would be ideal

She'll be 71, so 71p taped to a card would be good too.

MrsKoala

We just told the aunts that we did not appreciate rude little notes and letters, and to feel free not to send us anything in the future, DD1 said her piece as well about them being very rude, and we've heard nothing since! Must have disappeared up their own backsides!

I am getting closer to cutting them all out of my life completely, I haven't really seen any of them since before Christmas, and the aunts for a year or two.

Zukie

I remember some of your history with your 'family'

It sounds like you are really doing well with coping with them and slowly detatching.

I'm delighted you had a nice Christmas, that's great to hear.

Keep it up

I like the 71p idea. Or perhaps a card with a lottery ticket in?

zukie give her nothing. Print out a card from the internet. Rude woman.

Noooo, not a lottery ticket .
Supposing she won?

You could include one of those cards from the Clinique counter that are supposed to invite you for a free make over. They are particularly crap because it's just an excuse to slap you in make up and flog you stuff. That costs nothing - you could do that.

Make a charity donation in her name.

Extra points for you if you make the charity one for abused children.

Some good ideas here,

I will mull over them, and decide what to do,

Definitely not a lottery ticket though, imagine if I picked the winning numbers!

How sickening would that be!

There was a case here recently where some bastards stole and burnt a disabled children's school bus, could donate some money for a new one instead of wasting on ungrateful toxic parents.

Sorry meant to add thanks for all the help and support,

It means a lot to me

Make her something with the inside of a toilet roll.

Yes DeWe, with sticky back plastic .

A used scratchcard then

Or from last week's draw.

TBH I think that even giving her something that you already have in the house is more effort than she deserves.

Zukie - another vote here for a card at most. They sound ghastly and unworthy of you. It sounds like you're making great progress at distancing - keep going.

I could make a lovely vase from a toilet roll tube, and get a beautiful plastic flower from a Poundshop to go in it

I'd love to win the lottery, then give her my used ticket (after I'd collected my winnings of course)

What about haunting the charity shops for one of those ghastly knitted toilet roll covers? (And then post a picture on here)

Get her a lottery ticket but get yourself one with the same numbers just in case they come up then you'll have half her winnings!

zukie I was cheering you on at Christmas, and I am cheering you on here as well.
A card will do just fine. Stay strong
Asda earrings, poundshop nonsense, 71p, freebies, charity shop vase,...basically nothing at all that is at all emotionally meaningful or worth more than £1
Good luck

card only, or card and toilet roll. Not anything else. Really, what's the worse that could happen? She stops talking to you and you have to buy your own loo roll next January? I fail to see how that would be a bad thing.

No ideas, but boy, do I feel for you and just want to say how sorry I am that this is happening in your life. Lots of love and hand squeezing coming your way. You deserve so much more that bloody loorolls! For what it is worth, adult members of my family give each other nothing, apart from a card and good cheer, for Christmas or birthdays, unless the spirit moves us, but there is no expectation, and it is such a relief.

I know it was a typo, but the idea of getting her an 'oat' would suit this old bat down to the ground. Just one you understand. You wouldn't want to be able to make porridge with it. Oh no.

But I also agree with the charity voucher (if you must get something). And even better if its for the NSPCC or similar.

Or recycled loo roll. Tied with a big brown bow.

Cards, and that would be it.

Rose

She actually makes those hideous things! She gave me one years ago, it went straight in the bin, I should have kept it, and regifted it back to her

I think I will buy her some crap for a £1, but only a card for Mother's Day, surely that's all that's required for that anyway?

Put a pack of seeds in - then you've got her flowers

The sooner you just go to giving a card of the 29p variety from the CardFactory the better. She will never be happy with anything you gift her unless it is a wodge of cash, which is a massively selfish request to a dd with no spare money.

DD2 has some Hungarian Forints she brought back from a school trip a couple of years ago, perhaps I could give them to her?

I think they're equivalent to about 50/75p so not worth changing back, but they're still money right?

Zukie, I bet the Wooly Hugs crew would take great evil delight in crocheting you several dozen toilet roll covers so you can gift your dearest mother one for every occasion that would be a project worth starting, that would

Another vote for just a card, although I think your idea of the Variety Club badge is genius and well done on Christmas and the aunts, you're doing fantastically well.

I know someone mentioned money printed loo roll up-thread, but how about these ? You could split them up so both your parents could receive 'cash' as demanded. Just think, if they did use the napkins, then you'd finally be wiping their noses in it...

Really pleased you had a good Christmas, and long may the upward trend continue until you're free of them.

Definitely make something with the bog roll: a "chunky" necklace, and a Mr Maker Stylee snowman card (yep, screwed up paper will be needed) - mind the yellow "snow"!

Well done on all your rebellion so far!

Sadly OP, I remember one of your earlier threads where your parents gave you some loo roll as a present, and gave your brother a kilt with all the trimmings.

I like the loo roll with money printed on it myself .

Or if they really want money, I've got a 1/2p you could have, I was going to stick in my bosses leaving card, only he left when I was on holiday.

Just a card and a sheet of toilet paper inside should do. It's useful

She's a dispicable woman, who deserves nothing but contempt for her behavior towards you.

Oh I like you OP you are from my stock, a present or not is your choice.

Can't you find some comet vouchers (or any other bust company) on eBay?!

Oooo - or something like the Boots No7 ones where you get £5 off when you spend so much?

I remember some of your previous threads.

I think really it would be fine to not give anything at all.

I agree flipp

I know some of it is fun, but I really can´t understand why people are encouraging to do anything.

Your mother doesnt deserve anything from you, but I understand that you might need to work up to giving nothing in stages. Your gift ideas sound fine. Perhaps you could start planning now how you will react to her ungrateful response - eg "actually I was thinking it was probably about time we stopped giving each other presents, as I can't afford to give you the sort of presents you would like, and to be honest I don't really like the presents you give me either. From now on we should spend the money on ourselves instead".

And if she objects say "actually I would rather spend the little bit of money I have on DCs"

You will feel so much better when you show this evil bat she has no hold over you.

Print out this thread and get it framed, or alternatively bound in leather I know, I know. Wouldn't it be satisfying, though.

diddl I think as OP has said she is not happy just yet with doing/giving nothing, people are 'playing along' to lighten her mood is all.

Cutting ties seems the healthiest way forward - wishing you continued strength, Zukie.

Oh I completely understand the OP not feeling able to, I have a very good friend who agonises over what to buy her, frankly, horrible mother and spends £££s on her for birthdays, Christmas etc.

I also understand the need to let off steam and mock!

Just saying it would be ok not to get anything.

Aw, Zukie's getting there.
Not going to them at Christmas was a huge step for her..
She's definitely getting tougher.

Give her e charity trolley coin...nut I so want you to give her some Izall

What GinTonic said. Good luck OP xx

just send the cards and "forget" to put stamps on them!

Give her a bottle of toilet cleaner, the cheapest you can find. If she questions you just say you know how fond of toilet supplies she is.

Good luck Zukie, you are doing really well and are a shinning example of what a human should be for your DCs.

Hi again,

Sorry DS nicked the laptop last night, and I've only just got it back from him just now!

Thank you so much everyone for all your lovely comments and messages of support, I am welling up reading them, they're so nice

Still mulling over the ideas on here, I've got a couple of weeks before I need to do anything, still quite like the Variety Club badge idea though!

Good luck zukie

Thankyou flipp

All your messages and posts mean a lot to me,

It's this forum, as much as therapy that has helped me deal and cope with all this.

I take a huge comfort from knowing I can always come on here to chat/vent/laugh and cry!

I read the thread about your aunts in complete disbelief - not at you but that they would act in such a way.

I think you are doing amazingly and I am so glad you had a good Christmas! May it be the first of many!

I am breaking the MN rules and sending you every single bosom heaving hug I have in me and praying for the day when you manage to cut them out of your lives. you know you need to. You know your children need you to. And one day - you will find it within yourself to do it.

On that day, I will come over and fetch you and I will take you out and pour champagne down your throat all night!

In the meantime - send them the sort of gifts they send to you.

and SAY SO!

Well, I am surprised you are annoyed, you got me X for christmas.

I think just knowing you are not alone with this sort of thing can help enormously.

Having a horrible mother/family is one of the most difficult things to deal with in life. It takes a lot of strength to deal with.

May just take you up on that offer Hecate!

It is horrible flipp I have a RL friend who thinks I should just put up and shut up, and I find that hard to deal with as well, she thinks all my MH problems are rubbish and made up (actually have very little to do with her now)

I am slowly getting there with my family too

Has someone suggested those little packs of tissues you can get printed as US dollars ?

Put in a card with best wishes, world solve all the issues.

Nothing, nothing, nothing. And a card made of (used) bog roll. Rotten old cow. Or a £1 gift voucher for the £1 shop.

hec I am up for splitting the cost of champagne and I will throw in the bunting, party poppers and lobster dinner.
Keep going zukie, we are right alongside you.

It's settled then.

Get a £20 gift card from somewhere, spend £19.80 of it on yourself, then put it in a card with the receipt for £20, so when she tries to spend it she'll find it's only got 20p on.

I'll pay for the band xxxx

Zukie, she sounds just dreadful, I am amazed you are prepared to give her anything at all tbh.
I know I would truly struggle with a Mother's Day card and certainly would not consider a gift .

A red nose is £1 they also have little pin badges, she doesn't sound very charitable so it would be ideal. Good for you standing up for yourself

Never thought about a red nose Hippo

That's also a great idea

So a cheap 29p card, and a red nose/variety club badge or poundland crap and that's it sorted!

I could give her the weeds from my garden for Mother's Day!

Could you write her a little poem? Something sweetly PA that acurately describes your feelings towards her.

Bloody hell, Zukie, she sounds awful. Who the hell gives bog roll as a gift?

Just send a cheap card and a box of faux After Eights. Stop investing so much thought when it clearly is not appreciated.

I think you should forget giving her a present at all - its ridiuculous wasting all this time on it - and on mothers day - instead take yourself out somewhere nice and treat yourself.

Yep, I agree with Clementine. Mothers' Day is about YOU.

You're all right,

Nothing will please the old bag except cash, so whatever I do will be wrong in her eyes.

So rethinking things, a card with nothing in it, and no gift at all, is probably the best thing to do. I did it at Christmas, so I can do it again

My DC are taking me out for lunch on Mother's Day, and I'm looking forward to it, I think we're going to Cosmo, as I haven't been there yet (recently opened here) and I quite trying it.

I would just send a card on Mothers Day until you feel ready to ignore, I don't think you're at that place yet.
I bet your lovely Dc treat you on Mother's Day anyway. I hope you let it be all about you this year.

Yes LadyBeagle,

Cards for birthday and Mother's Day this time, and maybe by next year I'll be ready to just cut them all out, once and for all.

Going out with my DC on Mother's Day, which I'm really looking forward to

That's sounds great. Your DDs sound lovely Zukie, I bet they're really looking forward to it too.

Thanks TeWi

They're really good girls, helped me through many a crisis or problem