SG great post.

We have done the life insurance calculation and it came to a great shock to DH especially how much it would cost him to be able to work to earn what he does and keep children and house running. It does help.

Do you know I never even think about it. We have a joint account and both have cards for it. It's our money. But then I don't buy clothes or go out. I do have a healthy gingerbread addiction though which needs supporting.

Hi MM, I could have written your post (different details, same gist). Like you, I have just given up a job I enjoyed and am about to be come a SAHM for, probably, about a year. And like you, I have always been independent money-wise and felt very unsure about becoming a dependant. DH and I have had various chats about it: in his view, the contribution I make to the family will just change in kind, but not in value, so he says he could not see it in any other way than to assume that what is his is mine, and viceversa.

In practice this means that we have a joint account (which we have had since we have moved in togethera few years ago) which covers mortagage, all bills , food expenses, holidays, meals out etc. So far, each of us has contributed a set amount every month but, going forward, my contribution will be reduced to reflect the fact that I will no longer be working. DH's contribution will go up and we will each retain our personal accounts for personal spending (clothes, shoes, books, presents for spouse). For reasons that I will not go into, I will retain a small income, so we have not discussed whether DH would make a contribution to my personal account. To be perfectly honest I think I would be uncomfortable with that, but it might need to happen if my SAHM status goes beyond a year or so.
We have also agreed that in the last few months before my income stops, we should up my pension contributions to make sure I do not lose a year- that too lowers my contribution to the joint account.

I must admit it has taken me a while to accept the idea-and I am not sure I have done so completely- like you, I do not like not being independent. Thinking in terms of "contribution in kind" helps: after all, since I have been at home I have been able to take care of many of the admin tasks that used to crowd our weekends and, as a result, we have more time for each other when DH is at home. The tasks I now do are the ones I rather enjoy and DH hates (such as running our finances, sorting out shopping and generally running the house), so it works well. However, I do feel guilty when he gets home and dinner is not ready/ rubbish needs to be taken out/garden needs to be done: somehow I now feel those are my duties, my day job, so to speak, but DH is very clear that he does not expect me to turn into a full-time housekeeper/gardener/oddjobwoman. That is the key, I think: while we may end up doing many of those jobs (which have a monetary value to the household) they should not define our identity.

Interestingly, financial adviser has asked us to consider the value of the services I provide and to consider insuring my life for a sum that would cover, as a minimum, the amount that the family would have to pay to buy in those services from an external provider. We have not yet done the numbers, but it will be an interesting exercise.

Long rambling post, but I guess the gist is: you are not alone and there are ways of making this work, but only you and your DH can work out what will work for you.

I'm a SAHM and DP gives me an amount each month, which covers food, clothes and anything I want to buy. It has taken me several years to get used to the fact that this is my money, that I'm earning by staying at home (ie no need for paying child-carers). I think one of the most difficult aspects is losing your work identity; after seven years at home I'm still at a bit of a loss as to how to define myself! However, I'm planning to go back to uni next year to train as a primary school teacher. I think if you can look on your being a SAHM as a temporary state of affairs then it will be much easier. It is very nice to have a lie-in every day of the school holidays though

At the time I must have thought " What me staying at home all the time? Have this every day? Naaaa way!!!! You must be kidding!"

I am now eating my hat.

Bonsoir

Oh and Bosoir thanks .

You had very similar sound and helpful advice for me back then, when I was working and unable to deal with dd's needs, my needs and dh's needs. I thought about your wise words a lot throughout those two years. So thanks twice.

Why don't you calculate what a full-time nanny and housekeeper etc would cost and then claim this amount as your money? There are many people that do the job of a sahm yet enjoy the respect of a career title while the sahm does not. But I do understand how you feel this is a very deep issue both on a personal level for you and on a societal level for all of us hence our guilt no matter what we do.

Practically I do a lot of market research groups to earn a little bit extra money. Its not much but it pays for treats I can't afford otherwise and keeps me chatting about all sorts with the adult world.

Oh and I am sure you will get a job before you know it!

MM I know you are not me and I am not you but but but I'd like you to have met me then and to meet me now. I never cooked although I lived on my own since 18. I do not care about cleaning. I kill all plants. I am just a mess and really not at all your average (is there one really?) stepford SAHM (joke!). My own mother cannot believe how much I have changed. But I haven;t really, only a bit on the surface: I have learned that it is better to tidy up as you go so you can enjoy the house you live in (haven't managed the cleaning as you go yet so have to do big efforts that I hate) - very important if you all of a sudden have to be in all the time rather than till 8am and from 11pm from the pub! I have learnt that if I cook a meal, any meal he will not complain, for when dh comes home exhausted after having been out for 13 hours, he will not moan and will not notice anything else . I still want time for myself and cannot play with the children all day. I play a bit with them, mostly the things I ike doing (the one I hate they can do them at school, nursery, with nanny, GP, anybody). I cannot stay in the house with 2 children all day so we go out a lot. They go to playdate. They watch tv (sinful admission). They read books. It doesn;t mean you are with them all day.

I, like JB, long for some time for myself. But I miss my DD1 who is now at school F/T .
You can change even with staying the same person. YOur DH knows you and has not married you so that you'd become Anthea. He loves you for what you are. Dh and I had countless of rows back then.

I am not saying all this MM with the intention of making a permanent SAHM of you. I am just saying it so that if you happen to have to be one for a short while you know it can be fun and you might enjoy it if you go in it with a skip in your step (not like me with a military march!!!!).

By all means have a nanny and some time for yourself regardless. My mum is here now and I am telling you it is bliss not having to do all those games .

Ah one last point: you will be more calm when your are not so rushed.

Sorry for long post I do not mean to preach. I am just saying this because I feel about this strongly. It was very very hard for me and if I can help anybody avoiding it...

PS: I plan to go back to work at somepoint.