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I need your awful jokes!

(30 Posts)
amotherfuckingquiche Thu 04-Sep-14 11:12:39

My best friend's DH is off to climb Kilimanjaro today and he will be away for 16 days. She has 3 kids and is bricking it, so I thought I would try and cheer her up by sending a card with a joke in every day.

SO...please provide me with your best and worst jokes!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Sep-14 11:17:33

I put some herbs in the fridge the other day and, when I opened the door, I thought I could hear the Bee Gees!

It wasn't the Bee Gees. It was the ch-ch-ch-chives talking....

grin

littlewoollypervert Thu 04-Sep-14 11:19:39

Roman goes into a bar and flicks the V's.

Barman says "So that's 5 pints then?"

amotherfuckingquiche Thu 04-Sep-14 11:23:53

Ha ha ha littlewoollypervert I love it!

Thanks Cogito!!

askyfullofstars Thu 04-Sep-14 11:25:01

My brother thinks he is so clever, he reckons that an onion is the only food that can make you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Pointlessfan Thu 04-Sep-14 11:25:37

What's the best cheese to hide a horse?
Mascarpone!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Sep-14 11:25:48

We covered my grandfather in goose-fat. He went downhill rapidly after that

(Milton Jones)

Vitalstatistix Thu 04-Sep-14 11:27:53

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says I'll serve you, but don't start anything.

Patient - Doctor, Doctor, I just can't stop myself singing The Green Green Grass Of Home.
Doc- Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome
Patient - Is that common?
Doc - Well, it's not unusual

A chap walks into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter brings the trolley to the table for the guy to examine the food. Ok, says the man, I'll have that little green squid with the hair on its lip, please"
"good choice sir" replies the waiter, before calling for the chef.
"Gervais!" shouts the waiter, and a little French chef appears, carrying a large knife. "this gentleman has chosen the squid" says the waiter.
Just as Gervais is about to slice the squid, he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and says that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"That's fine" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!", and a huge German bloke rushes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill the squid!"

The dishwasher brandishes a huge rolling pin and is just about to hit the little squid when it cringes and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Says Hans.

"well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show - Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green, hairy lip squid!"

Vitalstatistix Thu 04-Sep-14 11:29:13

There are 2 prawns, one called Johnny and one called Christian. They're happy prawns, playing with their happy prawn friends. One day Johnny decides that he's bored, so he goes to see Cod.

"Cod, I'm bored," says Johnny. "Please turn me into a great big shark!"
So Cod waves his magic fin and turns Johnny into a shark.

Johnny swims off and has a few fun weeks scaring all his little friends. But eventually they work out that this particular shark isn't going to eat them, so they start ignoring him. Johnny gets angry and (disturbed prawn that he is) starts eating them. At last, there is only Christian left, and Johnny wants to play with him. He goes to Christian's rock and says,
"Christian, come out and play with me!"
"Nononono, you're a big shark, you're going to eat me!"
"No, I won't eat you, please come and play with me."
"Nononono, you're a great big shark, you're going to eat me!"

So Johnny swims off to see Cod.

"Cod, I'm bored! All my friends are dead, and Christian won't play with me. Please turn me back into a prawn again." Cod says "OK, I think you've learned your lesson," waves his magic fin and Johnny is a prawn again. He swims off to see Christian.

"Come out and play with me," he calls.
"Nonono, you're a shark, you're going to eat me!"
"No, it's OK! I've spoken to Cod, I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

askyfullofstars Thu 04-Sep-14 11:30:54

Doctor doing rounds, stops at a mans bed and says "Im sorry I have good news and bad news"
The man replies "Give me the bad news first", so the doctor tells him "well, the bad news is, I am really sorry but we amputated the wrong leg, you'll have to have surgery tomorrow to amputate the other one" the man, distraught, asks for the good news......"The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers"

Vitalstatistix Thu 04-Sep-14 11:30:58

Did you hear about the bloke who wanted to make his friend laugh, so he sent him two cards, each with 5 puns in?

He was hoping that it would amuse his pal, but no pun in ten did.

Vitalstatistix Thu 04-Sep-14 11:33:34

Members of a chess club walked into a country club and sat down in the lobby. They began to discuss their latest tournaments, bragging about their victories and laughing about their opponents. After half an hour, the manager walked over and demanded that they leave.
Why, they asked?
Because, he replied, I cannot stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

amotherfuckingquiche Thu 04-Sep-14 11:33:49

Oh my. Some of these are truly awful!

HouseAtreides Thu 04-Sep-14 11:33:51

What's E.T. short for?
Hes got little legs

TessTackle Thu 04-Sep-14 11:34:02

Two men walk into a bar:
One says to the barman "a pint for me and a whiskey for the donkey" and goes off to the bathroom.
Barman turns to man two and says "what's the donkey thing all about?"
And man two says "he haw he haw he always calls me that"
grin

askyfullofstars Thu 04-Sep-14 11:34:51

I always wondered why a frisbee appeared to get bigger as it closer, then, one day, it hit me

Vitalstatistix Thu 04-Sep-14 11:35:03

A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He slid up to the bar and told the bartender, “I’m looking for the guy who shot my paw.”

DreamingofSummer Thu 04-Sep-14 11:35:06

A man walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre - so the barmaid gave him one

Vitalstatistix Thu 04-Sep-14 11:35:15

oh god, someone make me stop

Vitalstatistix Thu 04-Sep-14 11:36:24

Two Eskimos were paddling their kayak downriver, when they got terribly cold. One lit a fire in the canoe, and it sank. Which just goes to show you, you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

amotherfuckingquiche Thu 04-Sep-14 11:38:14

Oh God, Vital my dad would love you!

askyfullofstars Thu 04-Sep-14 11:39:38

I tried to call the spiritual leader of Tibet...instead got sent a large goat with along neck through the post. Turns out Id called dial-a-lama

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Thu 04-Sep-14 11:41:33

Knock Knock.
Who's there.
I dunup
Idunupoo.

Knock knock
Who's there.
Boo.
Boo Hoo.
Don't cry it's only me.

askyfullofstars Thu 04-Sep-14 11:41:35

Two satellite dishes got married, the ceremony wasnt great but the reception was amazing!

Vitalstatistix Thu 04-Sep-14 11:42:35

grin It's my own dad to blame for it all! He is king of the terrible, terrible joke.

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