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I need a grip, a slap and a bit of a hug tbh...Friend just announced pregnancy

(43 Posts)
TearsOnAJohnLewisPillow Tue 26-Aug-14 21:52:32

Can't have DC...long story and no need for ins and outs but when asked how likely it was I would get pregnant and have a baby, the word Miracle was used.

I thought I had come to terms with it, not without time and heartache and wanting to scream at fb friends announcing pregnancies...but I got there...though nobody else knows

Wonderful, lovely friend announced her pregnancy today to me and three other friends (rest of our group of friends...and the first of my close friends to announce it) and I'm thrilled for her, really...but I am SO sad...so so sad...the what's app messages have being going back and forth all evening with congratulations and jokes and plans for the future and I've been joining in but I can't shake the sadness and I KNOW this is her joy and news and not about me but it's hard and I don't know what to do.

Please don't be to harsh

Oh Tears, nobody will be harsh

Annunziata Tue 26-Aug-14 21:55:39

Anyone who is harsh to you deserves a good kicking.

I am so sorry you can't have your DC.

It is okay to feel sad tonight, and to have a good cry. Be kind to yourself because you have been so kind to your friend flowers

Babycino81 Tue 26-Aug-14 21:55:57

You don't need a slap. You've got a really hard situation and it must be difficult to try and be happy for your friend when you're sad for yourself. I'm really rubbish with these things but someone else will be along who will have a better choice of words but please don't be so hard on yourself, you don't need to be

Mrsgrumble Tue 26-Aug-14 21:57:28

Don't think you need a slap at all. Devastating news for you to cope with and only natural to feel sad today.

Fairywhitebear Tue 26-Aug-14 21:57:51

I think you're allowed to be upset. It's a loss.

Hopelass Tue 26-Aug-14 21:57:56

You certainly don't need a grip or a slap. Here's a big hug and some thanks.

deakymom Tue 26-Aug-14 21:58:16

put down the watts app/turn it off till you feel stronger im sorry i cant suggest anything actually helpful other than that xxx flowers

TalcumPowder Tue 26-Aug-14 21:59:07

You don't need a slap. Please be kind to yourself - this is a terribly difficult time for you. Give yourself time to grieve and don't expect too much of yourself too soon.

DramaAlpaca Tue 26-Aug-14 22:00:43

No grips or slaps here. Just a hug & some flowers

BreadForBrains Tue 26-Aug-14 22:00:52

KA-POW thanks
That was me slapping you round the chops with huge bunch of flowers.
Have you really never told your closest friends you can't have children?
Unfortunately as you well know, people will always have children but of course that doesn't invalidate your personal feelings.
cake

TallulahPumpkin Tue 26-Aug-14 22:03:26

Tears I'm so sorry. You say no-one else knows, perhaps you can quietly explain why you may be a bit quiet when they talk about it. They might be more supportive than you think.

Although, would you be more hurt if you were left out? One of my friends didn't tell me she was pregnant after I had a mc and the first I knew was when I got her work out of office email reply saying she was on maternity leave. It hurt but I think it hurt more that she hadn't felt able to tell me. if they are good friends then let them know and help them deal with it so no-one has to feel awkward.

You may not be at that place but have you looked at other options? Adoption, fostering etc. Perhaps you can be an 'auntie' or godmother.

mineallmine Tue 26-Aug-14 22:04:18

You poor thing, this is so difficult. Stop apologising for feeling so sad, this is a very valid emotion and you need to let yourself be sad. It doesn't mean you're any less happy for your friend, but the situation just shines a torch on your own sadness. Go and have a big drink and a cry. Life is not bloody fair.

Dontgotosleep Tue 26-Aug-14 22:07:38

No-one will be harsh, Tears. I'm ttc again and the other week I heard an old friend had had a baby, anyway I saw her in town she said "Hi" but I just blanked her.
You don't have to be happy for your friend you know. You have the right to be jealous.

TearsOnAJohnLewisPillow Tue 26-Aug-14 22:19:04

I've just become a bit of a blubbering mess over these messages...I've had to take a minute to compose myself!

Thank you all so so much....honestly.

No one knows...every time I've gone to tell people, I've bottled it...I just can't take the sympathetic glances and hugs and "words of wisdom" ...I'll, erm, cry!

I honestly am thrilled for her...she'll be an amazing mum...she sent us all the 12w scan pic with "hello to all my aunties!" which was lovely but just confirmed that Auntie is all I'll ever be...I so want to be the friend that's gushing and so excited and buying baby clothes...but tbh I would happily hide away until the baby is a teen...which I need to snap out of but right now I want to hide under a duvet with a glass of wine and 20 mcnuggets

KnackeredMuchly Tue 26-Aug-14 22:22:52

You sound like a marvellous friend and I bet in time you'll be a magnificent Auntie.

Just give yourself time to get used to the news flowers

Reacting "badly" now doesn't make you a misery, it's a shock and a process you need to go through. Let yourself go through it, don't feel bad. You're in an awful position - you have lots of friends to help you when you are ready.

Nancy66 Tue 26-Aug-14 22:27:49

totally understandable. Infertility is a shitty, unfair business.

You may well get your miracle. Plenty do.

In the meantime try and see your friend's news for what it is to you: a chance to cuddle a lovely, precious newborn....and then hand it back when it shits its nappy or pukes on itself.

Dontgotosleep Tue 26-Aug-14 22:29:37

Wow Tears. How lovely are you. If a scan was sent to me I'd think she was trying to rub my nose in it.
I'm selfish bitch though. I'll hold my hands up.

mineofuselessinformation Tue 26-Aug-14 22:37:01

Tears, you're a lovely person for joining in with the congratulations. It's more than I would have been able to do when I was going through the endless, heart-breaking pain of infertility. Of course you're allowed to cry. It is shit, after all, that something that you want so badly seems so out of reach.
Sending you a <<<hug>>>.

slugseatlettuce Tue 26-Aug-14 22:38:50

Tell her how upset you are, just like in your op. Otherwise she won't know why (if) you go distant and it could damage your friendship. I've been on the other end of something similar and it really hurt me that a close friend didn't know that I would understand to some extent how she felt. But what you're feeling is totally understandable. Big hugs.

commsgirl Tue 26-Aug-14 22:39:45

You sound like a lovely lovely friend. Please be kind to yourself thanks

TestingTestingWonTooFree Tue 26-Aug-14 22:43:10

YANBU to feel sad. This is sad. It's really unfair.

I think it's worth considering telling your real life friends. I didn't tell any of mine about problems TTC and then one day my sister asked a perfectly innocuous question and I started bawling and it all came out. I felt better having confided in her and then another friend as I think before that I was treating it as some sort of shameful embarrassment even though I knew logically it wasn't my fault.

If you do tell them, it might be worth giving guidance on how you'd like them to approach it.

Aw, nothing but hugs from me too thanks

There is nothing that takes this pain away (other than a miracle of course), but you will hopefully find a way to accommodate yourself with it.

You are a lovely friend and it is perfectly possible to be happy for your friend and devastated for yourself at the same time. Be very kind to yourself. Maybe there will be an opportunity to tell your friends about your issues at some point. And if you feel you need to distance yourself a bit, then that is alright too.

MummyBeerest Tue 26-Aug-14 22:49:24

Totally and completely understandable.

wine and if there were a mcnugget emoticon, I'd give you 20.

bronya Tue 26-Aug-14 22:52:25

The one thing I'd say to you, is that this will keep happening, and that you have a choice. Tell people (so they are aware and know to include you in other ways), be godmother to a few, favourite 'aunty' to a few more, and have a life filled with children and laughter. Or hide away and withdraw, as friend after friend has children.

My godfather can't have children, he has many godchildren and was the best godfather ever - fun, interested, quirky and full of life. He took me out and shared the world with me, got me drunk (with my parents lol) on my 18th birthday, and will forever be remembered as brilliant fun and part of the family. He came to terms with his loss, and shared in his friends' joy. He's had an amazing life so far - full of fun and holidays, full of friends and laughter. Now he's retired there are many families who are always happy to have him visit and he'll never be alone.

I also had a very dear friend who cannot have children. I say 'had' because once I had my son, she cut all contact. She has moved away from all those she shared her life with, reduced contact with family who have children, and isolated herself. I wish she hadn't, I miss her and wanted to share what we have with her. I wish her choice could have made her happy, but there are children everywhere you look.

I hope for you, that you live a life as happy and full of joy as my godfather's. He's had a ball - I hope you do too, that you can move past the grief and live life to the full.

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