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I found out my best friends hate me

(26 Posts)
elephants01 Sun 24-Aug-14 23:20:29

So a couple of months ago my best friend of 3 years started acting weirdly towards me.

She stopped inviting me to things, ignored me when we were in groups, would often try and put me down and would take pleasure from things going badly in my life.

It got to the point where one of my other friends noticed it. She had absolutely no idea what I could have done wrong - her only suggestion was that my best friend was jealous of me. I wasn't too sure about whether that could be the case - but I then remembered my best friend saying she 'hated' me when she first met me BECAUSE: 1. She thought I was really pretty and slim. 2. I had a boyfriend (she's never had a serious relationship, whereas I have had 2). 3. I'm a bit smarter than her.

Looking back I feel as though that's a strange thing to tell your best friend? That you hated them?

Anyway, recently I have found out that she now does not like me at all. She bitches to her new best friend about me constantly. I feel so betrayed that she has an issue with me but hasn't brought it up so I can resolve whatever it is! And I had absolutely no idea.

She's been so unnecessarily hurtful to me and made me feel like such a small person.

However, to my face, she acts like we're still best friends. She texts me every day (we don't live close when we're not at university). She gives no indication that she doesn't like me, except when I can tell she secretly takes joy from things going wrong for me.

She acts like she wants to keep my friendship, but secretly hates me. I don't understand!!!

After a lot of thinking, I've realised I don't want her in my life anymore. It makes me feel shit and I don't need it - I have much kinder people in my life who genuinely care about me.

The big problem though: I have to live with her and her new best friend (who I had also thought was one of my very close friends) for 6 months next year. We have a lot of mutual friends whose friendship I would not want to lose.

I really don't know what to do. I have tried to be so nice to her recently since she's been acting like this and made such a huge effort. Why would she pretend to be my friend when she hates me sad

Does anyone please, please have any advice. I'd really appreciate it as this is seriously stressing me out and upsetting me sad

deedeelondon Sun 24-Aug-14 23:40:11

Sounds to me as if she's a very messed up person. Either that, or someone is trying to cause trouble - how did you find out that she's been saying things behind your back? If someone told you, do you really trust that person or could they be trying to come between you?
The best solution would be to have it out with her (your "friend" ) and try to clear the air. Do you have to live with her next year? Are there no other options?

LongFingers Sun 24-Aug-14 23:44:58

I think you are doing the right thing and getting away from her.

I agree she may be very messed up. I take it you are young if both at Uni. Maybe she had a bad childhood, and will sort herself out in time. You don't have to be her whipping boy until she sorts herself out.

I think your best bet is to slowly back away from her, stop sharing bad things that happen to you and keep conversations on uni work/weather type subjects.

elephants01 Mon 25-Aug-14 00:02:18

Thank you both for your replies and reassurance.

Unfortunately, now that I've signed the contract for the house I can't really back out - and if I did it would get very complicated.

We are both 21.

It's strange - people always think she's so nice. Her childhood was fine. I had a lot of issues last year relating to my childhood and suffered severe depression and anxiety. She wasn't particularly helpful then, but I understand it's hard when you're not used to dealing with that.

I think the issue is her confidence - but I've always tried to help her feel good about herself!

I've been making an extra big effort recently with her to try and gain her friendship back. It's clearly not helping as I received a text from her to her new best friend about me which had clearly been sent by accident...

LongFingers Mon 25-Aug-14 00:04:22

She may have some personality issues, and not be sharing her negative childhood experiences with you, or may not be able to face it yet. I would give her a wide berth OP, as her issues are damaging you.

Noappointmentnecessary Mon 25-Aug-14 00:06:30

She is jealous!!

elephants01 Mon 25-Aug-14 00:08:29

LongFingers, very interesting point.

It's so hard for me though because if that's the case, I want to be there for her. It goes against all my morals to phase someone out like that but I'm trying to realise it has to be done for my own sake.

Just be civil but keep contact to a minimum, I think. Decide you're very busy and keep it to the odd light-hearted text so she can't accuse you of being rude.

I don't see what's not to understand really. She doesn't much like you, or, she likes you but is not a very nice person and somehow thinks she'll ingratiate herself to other people by running you down. Either way, she's not actually your friend.

It's possibly the initial thing about you being slim/clever/coupled up might have been a clumsy attempt to get you to say 'ooh, but you too, I'm so jealous of x that you do'. Some people talk like that*. So it might be she feels as if she made a fuss of how great you are and you didn't quite come back with the response she was expecting.

*Basing this on university students, so guessing about your age - it seems to be very trendy to claim to 'hate' someone for their looks/whatever when you intend it as a hyberbolic compliment.

LongFingers Mon 25-Aug-14 00:14:48

Jesus said love your neighbour as yourself, not love your neighbour more than yourself.

Cross post.

There's nothing 'moral' about staying friends with someone you feel like this about - it'd start showing you're upset and hurt, and wouldn't be a kindness in the long run.

deedeelondon Mon 25-Aug-14 00:21:12

Yes I agree with Noappointment - my first thought was that she's jealous. Putting you down makes her feel better about herself.
You can get out of the contract if you find someone to take your place - my own daughter had a problem with a couple of people in her shared house when when she was at university and she and her friend managed to get out. The landlord/letting agent won't care as long as someone else takes on the room.
You need to get away from her asap. Living with her is not an option.

CaptChaos Mon 25-Aug-14 00:24:25

There are, sadly, people we need to phase out in order to protect ourselves. Your ex friend appears to be a negative influence in your life, your last year at uni is going to be fraught enough, you really don't need negative people around you <says the voice of experience>

Be kind to yourself and only let people be a part of your life if you both bring something positive to the table.

elephants01 Mon 25-Aug-14 00:39:54

You're all right. By trying harder I'm just going to be pushed away more and feel even worse.

It's a sad realisation that this friendship has to come to an end. We were inseparable for so long.

deedee, the main problem is that this is the only 6 month contract available in the whole city. I can't afford to pay for anywhere for a whole year as I'm studying abroad in the first semester which makes things much more complicated!

deedeelondon Mon 25-Aug-14 01:05:36

OK - well my advice to you would be to keep out of her way as much as possible and find some new friends! You could try to have it out with her, but I can see that it might be difficult for you to confront her. This part of your life will soon be over and you will be all the stronger for the experience. She won't be the last damaged person you come across unfortunately. but you will be wiser and better equipped to deal with this sort of situation if it happens again. Keep your eyes on the future and your goals, and feel sorry for her!

AtrociousCircumstance Mon 25-Aug-14 01:23:34

Definitely disengage. Don't try to control how she may or may not feel about you. As other posters have said, keep things light. Grey her out slowly.

Remember that it really, really doesn't matter if she no longer likes you. It doesn't mean anything. You don't have to change her mind. She has no power over you and it doesn't reflect what others will feel about you.

I'm sure the emotional re routing will feel forced and make you feel sad but that will pass - open yourself up to new friendships.

I had a friend at uni who was depressed and had low self esteem, she always showered me with compliments but always in the context of how bad it made her feel about herself, that I was x y z. Sometimes she would be careless with my feelings or undermining or even critical and I would excuse it, because she made such a big deal about how bad she felt about herself. In a weird way I felt I owed it to her not to call her on her bad behaviour, because in her eyes I was 'lucky'.

If I could redo that bit of my life I would NOT get so involved with someone who had such a negative impact!

GarlicAugustus Mon 25-Aug-14 01:38:12

It does really hurt when a friendship goes sour. It's just as bad as a romance going wrong. Be kind to yourself, you'll need to grieve some flowers

Something valuable to take from this is that you can never fix another person. And you can never truly know another person, either. Fascinating, isn't it? Have a great term abroad!

wafflyversatile Mon 25-Aug-14 01:39:13

I wonder if you've been Wendied by her new best friend. She may have been dripping poison in her ear for the last 6 months.

Either way she may be being nice because she has to live with you for 6 months.

How do you know she's been saying awful things?

Not sure what you can do other than maintain a politeness over the 6 months but don't confide in her about anything to give her ammunition.

GarlicAugustus Mon 25-Aug-14 01:59:22

Good point about the new friend being a possible Wendy, waffly. As you say, though, there's little to be done about it ... sad

Fishstix Mon 25-Aug-14 08:48:47

Just remember, no matter how much she appears to hate you, she's that screwed up that she hates herself more...if she had decent self esteem she'd never behave like that towards anyone, because there'd be no need.

Are you all studying abroad together? If not, then the dynamic may well have changed by the time you get back anyway. Make your own life away from her. Go out with other people but remain light and friendly with her.

magpiegin Mon 25-Aug-14 10:14:51

I would just spend time with other friends. When I lived in shared accommodation I didn't spend much time with my housemates.

The 6 months will fly by. Seems like ages at the start but when busy it is nothing.

BoffinMum Mon 25-Aug-14 10:18:40

She is jealous.
Minimise contact but when you do see her, be complimentary.

Mintyy Mon 25-Aug-14 10:25:46

I think I'd have to let her know that I received the text meant for her new best friend.

If you are absolutely positive that you are right about all this (and there hasn't been some misunderstanding or over-reaction somewhere along the line) I'd be brave and simply break off the friendship as you would with a partner who you did not want to see any more.

Its a terrible old cliche but you have your whole life ahead of you and, at the age you are now, more chances to make new friends than ever! Do not spend time with someone who makes you feel bad flowers.

chinamoon Mon 25-Aug-14 10:33:32

elephants contact your uni counsellor. Explain the problem. You have discovered that the two people you have signed a contract with genuinely dislike you and as you suffer from depression you are concerned it will get worse. The uni must have some emergency housing.

You don't have to live with them. If they complain about you going back on the lease, be extremely direct about the reasons.

Even if you ended up taking a room with a family for six months as a lodger (could be nicer, cosier, less stressful if you find a good one) you will find a place for six months. Surround yourself with straightforward, kind people and keep your distance until then. You may find you feel less depressed when you stop hanging around with manipulative people.

Flipflops7 Mon 25-Aug-14 11:37:49

What chinamoon said. You definitely don't have to live with her and you shouldn't. Use all the pastoral and practical uni resources at your disposal.

Don't confront her, move on with your life and with people who like you.
Just back away. A part of her knows what she is doing (even if it's a part she doesn't acknowledge) so she won't need your explanations. Good luck smile

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