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Talking tips for friend who's miscarried

(10 Posts)
BumpNGrind Sun 24-Aug-14 12:31:52

Dh and I have invited friends over for food later. I'm heavily pregnant and have thankfully had a smooth ride (although feeling a bit like a moaning Minnie and uncomfortable right now). I've just found out this morning that friends have recently had a miscarriage and I'd like to ask if anyone has any advice on what might be good to say or not say, I would hate to offend or make our friends feel uncomfortable or upset.

I wouldn't say we were really close friends but they are both lovely people. The DW is quite introverted so I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable and I'm worried that my big bump might be a trigger.

loombands Sun 24-Aug-14 12:38:12

did they tell you, themselves? do they know you are pregnant?

Picklesauage Sun 24-Aug-14 12:41:54

To be honest if it were me, and I have been on both sides of this dilemma in the last 5 years, I would be up front. Early on in the evening at a suitable moment I would just say something like'I heard about your sad news recently and wanted ti say how sorry I was. If you want to chat about it please do and if not that's fine too. I just wanted you to know how sorry I am.' That way she knows you are aware and sensitive to it.

In my case I was grateful to talk about pregnancies, which I know seems odd, but when you have been pregnancy yourself you of course have thought about buggies and cots and labours and then you sort of don't feel you have the right anymore. So I wanted to talk.

However when I was pregnant and my friend lost her baby she just wanted it left alone. She openly said when anyone approached the subject, 'thanks for your concern, it's best for me if we don't mention it.' So we talked TV made sure we had musicon etc, anything that stimulated non-baby conversation.

Honesty always works best in my opinion.

BumpNGrind Sun 24-Aug-14 12:43:48

We didn't know they were pregnant or that they were trying although we suspected. Dh was told about the miscarriage last night by his friend, they were in the pub and apparently his friend was talking very openly about it in a group of about 4 or 5 friends. I asked DH if I was supposed to know and he thinks his friend was being so open about it to save his partner having to break the news to everyone.

WeeClype Sun 24-Aug-14 12:52:56

It all depends on the person, when I miscarried I avoided people as I couldn't bare the "im sorry for your loss" stuff and rather it just wasn't mentioned.

BumpNGrind Sun 24-Aug-14 13:02:53

Thanks Pickle that seems like really good advice. I'm just worried about getting it wrong because we don't spend a lot of time with these friends usually (shift work, busy lives, usual reasons) and the DW is absolutely lovely but is very different to me and I really don't want to put her in a position where I make her more upset. I already feel like my big bump is probably going to be tough for her to deal with and if she was to ask me about how I felt do I give her the honest answer or the bright and breezy answer?

Picklesauage Sun 24-Aug-14 15:23:48

If it were me I would be honest, but selective if you see what I mean. Try to temper your happiness a little, keep things on a more practical and pragmatic level.

Picklesauage Sun 24-Aug-14 21:48:13

How did it goes Bump?

BumpNGrind Mon 25-Aug-14 00:28:22

They were lovely thanks Pickle, they were really open about things and I think she's handling things in the same way you described because she wanted to talk. I mentioned that I was really sorry to hear their news early on and it seemed to get any awkwardness out of the way. It lead to a conversation, which they lead, about getting pregnant and it seemed like it was ok for me to mention the things I did, like the vitamins I used etc.

Clearly they will make great parents when their time is right because they seemed really supportive of each other and were really leaning on each other.

They asked to see our baby's bedroom and took an interest and were excited for us. It was a really kind reaction and we had a nice night.

Picklesauage Mon 25-Aug-14 13:25:53

Glad it went well. I am always a believer in honesty, there are very few scenarios where it doesn't work.

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