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I'm stuck between the person I want to be and the person I am! How can I make the transition ?

(10 Posts)
MagnificentMalificent Tue 19-Aug-14 21:01:24

This may sound very strange but if I list some examples it might make more sense:

I want to be my own person and not worry about what others think ....
I am actually very bothered about how people perceive me and it affects my self esteem and makes me worry to the point I think I should be unsociable .

I want to be confident in my parenting decisions and not feel the need to justify them to anyone ...
I am always doubting my decisions and always feeling like I am being judged ; this is exasperated by judgy parents and a friend who always has to be better and makes a point of belittling my decisions in a not so subtle way. I succumb to it every time and then start doubting my choices to the point I consider following said friend like a sheep.

I want to enjoy my dc starting school and be of the opinion that as long as she tries her best then I will be proud of whatever she achieves ...
I can often succumb to pushy parent mode due to my own lack of confidence in my parenting . My judgy parents also compare my dc to friends dc (see above) which then spurs me on to make sure my dc can do the same blush I hate this part of myself and I want it to stop.

I know where I need to be but I can't seem to get there! sad my anxiety is always there holding me back and making me be the person I don't want to be - doubting myself / others and always pushing for the best when really all I want is for me and dc to try our bests.

Any Tips?

Rowboat Tue 19-Aug-14 21:14:21

No tips but supportive bump. You sound v like me. smile

MerlinsUnderpants Tue 19-Aug-14 21:24:29

No real answers I am afraid. I've started a gratitude journal and it seems to be helping, just write down one thing each day that I am grateful for. First few days were tough but it is getting easier and helping me see more positives which is good for the self esteem.

I'm going to try meditation to quieten my mind. I've downloaded some free podcasts with short guided meditations from iTunes. I'm planning on doing 10 minutes a day and see how it goes.

Will check back as I could do with some more ideas smile

ElleMcFearsome Tue 19-Aug-14 21:25:38

Maybe focus on one thing at a time?

And when it comes to patterns of thought/behaviour, be aware that it can take a while to change 'habits'. So when you make a decision, say, to do with how you parent, and after a while (or immediately!) that inner monologue starts to doubt it, be aware that this is happening, be mindful of it and how it affects you. I think a lot of the time, the awareness is half the battle - and, over time, your 'defaults' change from 'OMG what if so-and-so's way's better <panic>' to 'ok, so-and-so is choosing to do it that way, but I am choosing to do it this way'. If that makes any sense?

How old are the DC? When mine were small/just starting school, I found it especially hard not to compare!

SparklyFooted Tue 19-Aug-14 21:37:03

Do you think working on self-esteem might be useful to you?

Tommy Tue 19-Aug-14 21:39:42

was just coming on to suggest that perhaps you should learn to like the person you are (because that's who you are!)
You sound like you're doing a great job smile

TheRealMaryMillington Tue 19-Aug-14 21:47:01

Bin the judgey friend
Politely ask the judge parents to keep their thoughts to themselves
Take up yoga
Become accepting of yourself

WhoMovedMyVuvuzela Tue 19-Aug-14 22:48:36

There is this old saying from somewhere that says something along the lines of 'if you want to know what sort of person you, look at your friends', I've found that to be a good start. Spending time with friends who have same values that you want to have will give you the confidence to be who you want to be.

Totally cut back on the time you spend with the putter downer, get the time you spend with her down to virtually nil by the end of the year. Spend time with people who boost you up instead.

Have a 1 liner ready for when your parents start to compare, something like 'well all children are good a different things' and then change the subject.

Getting older helps, the older you get the less of a shit you give about what other people think.

venusandmars Tue 19-Aug-14 23:12:43

You speak about "the person I am" as if it is some kind of fixed part of you - your personality, your character - maybe difficult to change.

Bu how about you describe it as holding onto some beliefs - some beliefs that no longer serve you, and some beliefs that are not even your own?

e.g. You have adopted a belief that you should worry what others think of you...... if you could go back to the core magnificent who was liberated, experimental and unconcerned about what other people thought, how amazing would that be ( and maybe it even feels more like you than the worried and bothered you that you have become accustomed to ).

With the very best of intentions our parents, teachers, partners, friends (and all manner of people who love us) offload their beliefs on us. A very famous doctor tells the tale of when he was 8 and he failed a maths test. He went home in tears and his Mum said 'never mind, it' not your fault, no-one in our family has ever been good at maths'. That was massively comforting to the 8 year old boy, but he adopted that belief into how he worked and lived, and as a consequence he missed out on going to medical school. Until he realised that he was really good at something in his hobby which required him to do lots of complicated maths - and he saw that he was actually very good at maths, and that holding on to that adopted belief had kept him in the wrong place for years.

The beliefs that are ruling your life can be changed. Start by thinking about whether they are really YOUR beliefs, of whether the have been imported partially or wholly from someone or somewhere else.

KeepCalmDrinkWine Tue 19-Aug-14 23:45:34

Honestly? It's taken me 35 years to get to that stage but I am finally at that point now where I can finally be myself. The key is to stop pleasing everyone else or giving a shit what anyone else thinks of you. I spent so long doing both and neglecting myself, it never made me more successful, happy or popular. Now, by realising life is for living and you have to follow your own dreams, I can see a way forward. All the best in finding you!

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