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If you separate, can you ever re-unite?

(8 Posts)
firstchoice Tue 19-Aug-14 19:26:48

Hi, not sure how to put this best, and hope I don't offend / sound trite?

I have been married for 13 years. It has been rocky.
We have had a lot of stress and the marriage has suffered.
We have agreed to separate.
I want to move out of the house and rent elsewhere with children
(for health and education reasons I wanted to move anyway).
House will have to go on market for me to obtain HB.
In a sense I suppose I am 'going on ahead' with the children, as a single parent. In time we will see whether that is going to be forever, or if the family would be happier re-united.

I will claim HB on a private rental as I do not work at present (DLA and ESA (wrag). (I have been told I do not need to be legally separated for this).

What would happen should we find that the new health and education settings reduced the stress to the extent that we eventually got back together? I know that sounds stupid, but I genuinely don't know if it might make a huge difference? I would have to go first with the children as a single parent. IF and its a big IF things improved, what then?

Would we be 'allowed' to get back together if we wanted to? Take house off market? Would we have to pay back HB? Would I be storing up trouble?

Sorry if this annoys / offends anyone. Please don't flame as I am feeling a bit fragile atm.
I am not 'playing' with the idea of being a single parent, but am scared silly of implications if I AM and then later if we were to re-form as a couple?

Have a chat with citizens advice? As long as you're completely honest at all times it's not fraud at the end of the day. If you have the evidence to prove you're living separately it's no issue. If you move in again you can inform the job centre. Try not to worry imo.

foxdongle Tue 19-Aug-14 22:54:53

Do you think counselling would help?
It doesn't sound like your marriage is over If you are already considering re-uniting, before you have split.
You would be putting your DC through a lot of heartbreak and upheaval to separate and then get back together, the impact on them could be awful.
That's a lot of stress for your DC to go through, if you end up back together anyway.
Wouldn't it be better to try to work things out and improve things now? You might want to spend some time apart, without actually splitting up?

madeofkent Tue 19-Aug-14 23:05:47

We split up and got back together again some years ago. DBH was giving me too much housekeeping for me to get any benefits, though. He moved away, thinking that he would be able to travel back to see DCs most weekends, but the fact was the travelling was so bad due to traffic that he just couldn't do it. We missed each other so much that in the end we got back together, moved to be with him and rented our house out until it could finally be sold. It wasn't my choice, he was going through some sort of crisis at the time, I think he needed that time apart from us. It took a lot of work to regain our trust, that he meant to stay with us this time, but it has worked.

firstchoice Wed 20-Aug-14 11:47:30

It would certainly be right for us to separate now.
The children and I will move to an area where we can access the educational and health facilities we require.

I would need to claim HB for the present time and house would go on market (though things are taking 2 yrs + to sell around here)

My worry is: would this intervention from benefits preclude us re-forming as a family down the line IF it proves the reduction in stress makes 'all the difference'? I would be 'keeping to the rules' during any time I was claiming HB but it would be ironic if things improved all around and a relationship was possible again and we could not as we had to, eg, pay back the HB????

madeofkent Wed 20-Aug-14 19:16:29

I'm not aware that it has to be paid back. If so, that is new since we separated.

firstchoice Thu 21-Aug-14 08:37:09

It is not a rule as far as I know, I am just worrying....

madeofkent Thu 21-Aug-14 16:54:32

The whole thing is worrying, but I really don't think you need to worry about that part. Truly. It sounds as if you both need a breather and space to think, and that's almost impossible for most people financially, but your brain needs a break from their presence too. I asked a friend to put DBH up for a week once, just to give me a space to think in. She very kindly did so, but her OH wasn't keen!

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