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When 'just getting on with it' grinds to a halt...

(68 Posts)
AhaShakeHeartbreak Tue 19-Aug-14 18:47:31

Have NC for this as it's going to show a vulnerable feeble side to me that is normally kept well hidden!

Have had a pretty shit year so far, and up until recently I have managed to just soldier on with a brave face. I think doing this (along with what has went on) has taken its toll and has now resulted in me being in a place that I don't like very much.

The only way I can describe how I'm feeling is empty... I'm not sad, im not angry, its as if I am totally void of any feelings or emotions. I have totally lost interest in everything and even the simplest and most routine tasks seem like a massive fucking effort. I never got out of bed until 2 this afternoon and have sat since then (until now) doing absolutely nothing - no TV, no radio, no internet, no phone - just literally sitting alone in silence doing nothing. I honestly thought at one point that it would have been better if I just went to bed last night and had never wakened up again.

I am not normally a mopey, self pitying type of person and am usually the first to try and help people out when things get rough, but just don't know how to do that for myself.

Don't even know what I am posting looking for - A hug? Someone to pass me a grip and to tell me to stop being so fucking pathetic? A good kick up the arse? Or someone to give me a good shake to try and snap me out of it? Any or all of these would be very much appreciated! sad

Imbroglio Tue 19-Aug-14 18:48:55

Are you alone?

Imbroglio Tue 19-Aug-14 18:49:56

Sorry - I see you are at the moment but I meant do you live alone?

spacefrog35 Tue 19-Aug-14 18:53:12

Have a hand thanks

The empty feeling you describe is exactly how I feel when I'm getting depressed. I've had it happen enough times that I now have some tools in my 'box' to help me talk myself out of it but if you''ve never felt like this before then I would really recommend popping along to your GP & having a chat. It might not be depression at all but if it is then getting some help will let you get yourself onto an even keel and then climb out of your hole gradually.

You're not being daft, everyone needs help from time to time, don't feel bad that it's your turn to need some.

trackrBird Tue 19-Aug-14 18:59:12

This sounds like burnout, depression or both. Your first stop should be a GP.
Vulnerable is not feeble, and exhaustion isn't feebleness either. Be kind to yourself and start carving out a bit of time for yourself to start with.

Not going to hand you a grip, sounds as if you have done nothing but get a grip lately, so give yourself a break now. Have a brew instead .....

AhaShakeHeartbreak Tue 19-Aug-14 19:13:26

Yeah Imbroglio I live alone.

Thanks spacefrog and trackrBird I actually hadn't even considered visiting my GP. I am shockingly bad at actually telling people how I am feeling. It actually just dawned on me that if I was to get an appointment tomorrow that would be my first time out of the house since last Monday confused

trackrBird Tue 19-Aug-14 19:33:26

So you've been stuck inside for over a week sad

If you want to let some of it out here, you can. If not, that's ok too.

spacefrog35 Tue 19-Aug-14 19:41:00

Being inside on my own is guaranteed to make me miserable. Can you get a GP appointment and then treat yourself to something tomorrow? Drive to the beach, a short walk in a nice park, a quiet coffee in a nice cafe? Anything that gets you a) out of the house & b) you would feel was a treat?

AhaShakeHeartbreak Tue 19-Aug-14 20:03:11

It's not that I have been stuck inside, I have cancelled plans as I simply 'didn't feel like it' and chosen to stay in... didn't realise it had been over a week until now!

Aaaaaaagh what the actual fuck is wrong with me?!? Why am I doing this to myself?!?

If I phoned early enough I could probably get an appointment tomorrow, just have no idea what I would go in and say - 'Hi I'm here because I feel empty and have lost all interest in life in general?!?' I know I have so much that I want to let out, but just don't know how to say it, if that makes sense?!? May try to vent on here later (sorry in advance if I do) and see if that makes things any clearer.

I could manage to do any of the things that you mentioned spacefrog but right now nothing at all seems appealing if you know what I mean? I'm normally quite an active person, but at the moment I just 'dont want to do anything!'

trackrBird Tue 19-Aug-14 21:46:52

Aha, I think the 2nd and 3rd paras of your OP speak volumes, so maybe you could just state what you said there? Or even the exact words you used in your latest post. No-one's going to think it wrong or daft. Whatever you say, they've heard it before.

I know what you mean about nothing seeming appealing - even a treat. But it would be worth (say) going out for a walk and a coffee or something, even if the prospect of it felt as interesting as chewing cardboard. If you can, do it anyway.

BadRoly Tue 19-Aug-14 21:55:49

We had a run of absolute shite a couple of years ago and I felt how you did. 2 friends stepped in with the same advice as you have been given on here.

My GP was lovely. We have the call back thing at our surgery. I explained over the phone how I felt and what had led up to it. He booked a long appointment and mostly just listened (in my case) but made it very clear that it did matter and I'd done the right thing in going to him.

Phone your GP, get that appointment. Good luck x

LucyBabs Tue 19-Aug-14 22:00:50

It's sounds like you're depressed aha flowers
Please see your gp and just read out your op.

I've had depression for many years. I feel I'm getting some where now and don't feel as awful as I used to. Hope that makes sense blush

AhaShakeHeartbreak Tue 19-Aug-14 23:32:21

Thank you all.

In bed again now and again keep thinking that if I could just go to sleep now and never wake up again then that would be for the best... just can't see the point or purpose in anything (don't think having a few drinks was the wisest idea really as I have just ended up feeling fucking worse.)

Will try and get an appointment tomorrow or will see if they can call back if I can't get one as I think they do that too.

Goodnight thanks

ThatBloodyWoman Tue 19-Aug-14 23:38:02

You sound depressed.
I think you're absolutely right to see your gp.
You've had a hard time and it sounds like you just need a little help getting back on track.

trackrBird Tue 19-Aug-14 23:39:16

Night Aha.
brew

trackrBird Wed 20-Aug-14 23:22:16

I hope you managed to talk to someone, Aha.

AhaShakeHeartbreak Thu 21-Aug-14 07:08:30

Wasn't able to get an appointment yesterday with the GP I wanted yesterday as I called too late... Should manage today though as I'm up and will phone as soon as they open.

(What has happened here with the mobile site?!? Thought I had been logged in to some other site... I dont like it!)

ladybirdandsnails Thu 21-Aug-14 07:18:23

Sounds like depression from coping with all that has happened. Well done on chasing GP apt

MyGastIsFlabbered Thu 21-Aug-14 07:24:14

Sounds like me when I'm having a bad bout of depression. Hope you get an appointment today. Don't be surprised if everything suddenly blurts out when you're with the GP. PM me if I can help more.

Also, I found this helpful.

Zippidydoodah Thu 21-Aug-14 07:30:24

Sounds like depression to me too. I had pnd and a big symptom was not wanting to get out of bed/ move even. Take care of yourself- sounds like it's your turn.

Hope you get your doc appointment today flowers

goodasitgets Thu 21-Aug-14 07:40:44

Sounds very similar to how I felt. Now having counselling and on meds and feel a whole lot better. I didn't really see the point in doing anything if that makes sense? Then it came to realise it was a year since I had even been to the pub and it was hard work to get doing stuff again
It turned out I had antenatal depression and PTSD

AhaShakeHeartbreak Thu 21-Aug-14 11:05:16

Thanks everyone... kind of reassuring to know that I'm not alone and not a complete weirdo!

Thanks for the link too MyGast was a lot of it that I felt I could relate to.

Was unable to get a proper appointment, but they put in a call back request so currently waiting on the phone to ring. (Don't think I have ever been so nervous and anxious at the the thought of picking up the phone!)

chinamoon Thu 21-Aug-14 12:06:17

Hi OP

Really glad you are going to make an appointment. Please don't underplay the symptoms and suddenly get a burst of soldiering on. GPs aren't MH experts and they can't always read the signs. You need to explain that you are pretty sure you have depression, that you have had thoughts of not waking up and that you have found yourself in a kind of physical and emotional 'coma' frozen and unable to complete the simplest tasks. Tell them these things. They are classic signs of depression. If one GP is dismissive, be very brave and go straight to receptionist and request a separate appointment with a different GP.

Meanwhile, instead of soldiering on, try and do some tiny things each day to help you feel OK. It really doesn't matter if you don't want to do them, and if you feel nothing while you do them, but each day do these (they are crucial, medically proven and quite nice steps for climbing out of depression:

1.) Have an hour outside when the sun is at its highest if possible. Just sitting in garden with a magazine or at a café table or park bench is fine. Whatever is easiest.

2.) Take an hour's exercise (can be the same hour if you combine t=your outside time with a walk or run.)

3.) Watch, read or listen to something funny or uplifting, even if it doesn't make you laugh or uplift you. Focus on light hearted comedies and feelgood films books, music and radio shows.

4.) Be sociable. This imho is the hardest when you don't feel like company but it is crucial - the toughest but most important part of getting out of the frozen state. Arrange for short or easy social occasions like going to see a film (no need to talk) or a quick coffee. Or, if you really can't face friends, phone Parentline or Samaritans or one of the MH helplines, just to have a warm, kind person in touch with you that day.

5.) Be physically kind to yourself: shower or bathe everyday. keep your hair clean. Wear comfortable, soft clothes that look good. Eat fresh food three times a day.

Final step is to plan things to look forward to immediate, short, mid and long term. They can be easy - very easy - e.g. When I get out of bed I an cuddle the guinea pigs and have fresh coffee. Or they can need some effort but only as much as you are able to give. (Booking a haircut or a day trip to visit an old friend etc. Or even signing up for a class or a trip abroad. None should be a stress on you. The point is that you genuinely look forward to something, not dread.

These steps are taken from some depression-without-medication cure but I forget where I found it. Even if you do take ADs for a while, these are very good habits to get into for long term improvement to your happiness.

Sorry this is so long. It is a subject very dear to my heart. Spent years battling with it, and this is the best I have found so far. Really hope you get better soon.
flowers

chinamoon Thu 21-Aug-14 12:18:08

I just had a look at that website Ghast linked to. It helps a lot to remember that you don't have to want to do something or feel better after doing it: so long as it is a nurturing thing to do, just do it anyway. You don't need to pressurise yourself to feel different during or afterwards, but what you can do is congratulate yourself for treating yourself well while you are ill, in order to get better eventually.

We don't expect deep wounds to heal the moment we put antiseptic on them but we'd still clean and dress them. That's what these steps of self healing are about. They take time to work, but they really can make a difference. Even if they don't work at all, and you end up coming out of the depression naturally or on meds, it's still good to have been eating well, stayed in contact with people, taken exercise etc while ill. No harm done even if it doesn't work.

AhaShakeHeartbreak Thu 21-Aug-14 19:19:37

Thank you so so much China I have read over both your posts multiple times and can't explain how helpful I find them both.

Unfortunately I didn't find speaking to the GP very helpful today on the phone. Found I really really struggled to get the words out that I was trying to say sad and that what I was saying was just being heard as opposed to listened to. She did book me in for a proper appointment at the beginning of next week though so I'm hoping that goes slightly better. I'm really not keen on the idea of having to start taking AD's for a few reasons, so hopefully that's not all they will suggest.

I have decided to make a real effort to start working through 'the list' tomorrow (think that maybe falls into the final step category?!?) and have also managed to actually have something to eat today, even if it was just a sandwich it's more than I've been able to the past few days so I'm strangely proud of myself for managing that!

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