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Help me word this text to a friend

(53 Posts)
BakerStreetSaxRift Fri 08-Aug-14 20:39:28

I just wrote out the huge backstory, but it was so long not even I wanted to read it! So I'll summarise by saying:

Best mates of 20 years, her 2 year relationship ended 3 years ago, she's struggled to deal with it, I've been on the end of the phone talking her through it for 3 years. I got constant attention-seeking, overly dramatic texts about how distraught she was (her boyfriend/ex used to get these sort of messages but then he blocked her eventually as he'd had enough, then I started getting them).

Anyway, last 6 months she's finally moved on; going out, dating people. I'm pleased. The dramatic texts and calls became interspersed with "my life's amazing" I'm loving life" type ones. Progress.

However, I've realised that she's not actually asked about me for over a year. I've had a lot on the last 12 months, family stuff, new job, various things, all of which she's aware of, but she never asks about it. We never talk about me, it's all on her terms.

I was in her city recently for work, arranged my diary for the day so we could spend the afternoon and evening together and have a proper catch up (hadn't seen her in person for 6m as we live far away). All arranged, then an hour before she cancelled on me as she wanted to go and meet an old flame (who is now married) and his friends instead. Basically said if you want to see me then come join us all. I was hurt sad but I went.

I was planning on asking her to be my bridesmaid (small non-traditional wedding so not a big bridesmaid role, more just as a symbol of how long we've been friends IYSWIM). Anyway, because of the circumstances of me being in a big group of strangers obviously I didn't ask her, and we didn't catch up at all.

Few months later and I've had one phone call where she reeled off all that she's been up to, then when I started talking about what I've been up to she had to go. I've realised its the most one-sided friendship ever. (MN previously confirmed this!)

I'm thinking sod the bridesmaid thing, I'll just have my little sister. It feels wrong to have her when I'm actually quite upset about how she's being. Although I think she'll be REALLY hurt by not being one (also likes to be the centre of attention). But then it wouldn't feel right having her when she's not been a friend to me for over a year now. I haven't heard from her, apart from that one call, for 2 months. She's on FB all the time so it's not that she's busy.

I think I'll get a text in a few weeks saying "Hi missy, long time no speak, need to catch up to talk about me soon"

How do I word the reply to say something like "that's because I'm only useful to talk to when you feel low and I get ditched when you don't need that", but in a better way? I'm hurt about this, and I feel like I need to say something.

I also need to set the groundwork as to why she's not a "bridesmaid". She's probably wondered why I haven't asked her yet, but maybe isn't self aware enough to realise how much of a shit friend she's being. As, ideally, I'd like her to rectify it.

Help!

Christ, that was long anyway, even without the backstory.confused Sorry.

Has she always been this type of person?

RickyDinkPanther Fri 08-Aug-14 20:47:18

Perhaps it's time to call time on this friendship?

Shia Fri 08-Aug-14 20:49:02

I don't think a text is the suitable medium to tell her how you feel. Tone can be misinterpreted.

You need to say it to her.

Hi friend, only a few years ago you were really going through the mill and I'm glad I was there to support you. It's brilliant that you've got your life on track but over the last few years it's all been about you.

We've known each other years and I'd hate to lose you as a friend but it's got to the point where I feel that you are not interested in my life and anything I have to say.

Or you learn to b a better conversationalist. Turn it around when she talks about herself. Learn to interject or butt in.

The scenario you described makes you come across as a bit of a walkover.

I've learnt that people behave badly when we allow them to.

You could have said no to meeting up after she changed the plans and shown your displeasure at it not being just you and her.
By going along with her, it could be seen as condoning her me me me behaviour.

YellowTulips Fri 08-Aug-14 20:49:35

Tbh it seems to me you have, over time helped create this one sided relationship.

She probably only sees you as someone to vent to after this long - not someone who has a life of their own.

As such why lay the groundwork? If she is as disinterested as you say then your wedding is hardly going to register with her.

Equally if your sister is bridesmaid then not may people would question the family tie - leaving nothing to explain.

Upshot is I would say nothing. If she raises the bridesmaid issue then simply say you're so happy your sister will be accepting this role - nothing more.

BakerStreetSaxRift Fri 08-Aug-14 20:49:36

Well, in the last 10 year's she's had, too long for me to put it down to a "phase" I guess.

She's got Italian ancestry so sometimes I put the dramatics down to the Mediterranean blood...

40thisisit Fri 08-Aug-14 20:50:42

Shia what an ace reply!!!

YouAreMyRain Fri 08-Aug-14 20:51:07

"I feel hurt that you haven't appeared interested in my life for some time"

Glitterkitten24 Fri 08-Aug-14 20:51:38

Do you need to reply to the text?
It sounds like you get nothing from this friendship, is it time to call it a day?

YellowTulips Fri 08-Aug-14 20:52:15

I would also probably ease away from her.

Don't respond to texts/calls straight away etc

Just to warn you-I had a friend like this. When confronted she seemed to totally forget all of the times I'd been there for her and focused on the one time she could criticise me for not doing what she wanted. Some people just don't see it and it's just time to accept that you have grown apart and distance yourself.

ShiftyFades Fri 08-Aug-14 20:53:11

Wow, I had a friend like that. I only realise looking back now though... Luckily, she treated me and one of my other friends really badly on my birthday, then treated me very badly after. It took all of 1 hour (where I was pulling my chin off the floor at what she's done) to cut her from my life forever. It was an 18 year friendship, she treated me like dirt.

Walk away, you don't need her, you won't miss her. Retain all dignity whatever you do, you'll feel superb for it, trust me wink

Kleptronic Fri 08-Aug-14 20:57:19

What are you getting out of this relationship exactly? It doesn't sound like a reciprocal friendship. Also, if you don't want her to be a bridesmaid, you don't have to ask her, and you don't have to explain anything.

BakerStreetSaxRift Fri 08-Aug-14 20:58:07

I did say I was annoyed about the meeting up thing, she knew. But basically it came down to either I go meet up with the group, or don't see her at all as she didn't feel she could leave them, and "couldn't understand what the big deal was, why can't we all hang out together". Not going to see her would have been too big a statement and I thought I might have been being unreasonable because my head was clouded with the asking to be bridesmaid plans (which she didn't know about).

mipmop Fri 08-Aug-14 21:01:04

I can see the advantage to a low-key message, being unavailable and not seeking contact. The problem here could be that

BakerStreetSaxRift Fri 08-Aug-14 21:05:18

I feel like it would be a huge snub to not have her as a bridesmaid, all my family know her well, know we've been friend so long. I feel really awkward about it.

It has crossed my mind that she's being weird because she's not been asked yet, but just hasn't twigged how crap a friend she's been.

I know it sounds weak but I'd like our friendship to ride this (admittedly, long) phase out.

Shia I agree about the risk of tone with a text, but I am bad with words when on the spot, and I'd like her to have the chance to think about what I've said in her own time IYSWIM?

mipmop Fri 08-Aug-14 21:08:27

... It's better for your self-esteem if you make your thoughts known. Also she may disappear from your life until her next self-absorbed crisis, which could be a harder time to tell her how you feel. Or it could be easier I suppose to give Shia's message then.

Maybe next time she phones you could cut her off and keep talking about yourself. If she doesn't react well, that could be a great time to give your / Shia's message.

Fwiw, I don't think you should feel bad about allowing this to happen. You're obviously a loyal and considerate friend. It'd be odd to have cut her off before a clear pattern emerged.

YellowTulips Fri 08-Aug-14 21:11:15

If you are only having one bridesmaid and it's your sister I really don't see the issue.

If you had lots of other friends as BM then I agree it's harder.

As stands I think you are over thinking this and actually replicating the pattern of this "friendship" by thinking more about her than yourself on what will be "YOUR" day.

BakerStreetSaxRift Fri 08-Aug-14 21:13:30

Thank you Mip, that's kind of you to say.

I put up with everything for the last few years because she was going through a breakup, and I know that's hard. She was there for me when I was in a bad way after a breakup 10 years ago, although out was only a few months, not three years!

So I thought when she came out the other side it wouldbe better, but instead I feel like I've been totally neglected/ditched.

BakerStreetSaxRift Fri 08-Aug-14 21:15:40

That is a good point Yellow, she's only thinking about her, I'm only thinking about her, nobody is thinking about me!

YellowTulips Fri 08-Aug-14 21:20:00

Exactly OP. A real friend would be happy to attend your wedding in any capacity.

I think you are the one that needs to change your behaviour tbh and start being a bit more selfish (in a good way) rather than selfless.

You don't owe her anything. She owes you actually. So do what you want for your big day and let the cards fall as they may.

She sounds like an acquaintance of mine. I'd call her a friend but she's very self-centred and, essentially selfish.

Similarly she had a breakup of a long-term relationship and relied on me and another friend to be there for her. For months and months and months.

She finally moved on, met someone else and then that all went wrong. Endless postings on fb bitching about him (and more but don't want to out anyone).

In the interim, I've had bereavements, had a child, moved house, and yet almost every time we talk (rarely now) it's about her.

Many times I've been blown out at the last minute because other, more interesting plans came up.

Now if I make plans with her I have a backup. If she turns up fine, we chat and have a laugh; if she doesn't I do my own thing.

I suspect I'll be back in favour soon as a friend of a friend of a friend is selling a car and acquaintance is after a cheap one.

If you've not asked her to be a bridesmaid then don't. Stick to people you can rely on!

If you need an excuse about the bridesmaid then you can just keep it to family only? I did this simply because I couldn't decide who out of a bunch of friends I 'favoured' more over the others. Nobody minded.

LaQueenLovesSummer Fri 08-Aug-14 21:31:06

Most friendships have a natural, limited lifespan. Very few friendships last a lifetime.

It sounds like this friendship breathed its last quite a while, years back.

It happens. Happened to me once or twice. Both times I eventually realised that after being with my toxic friend I always felt that little bit worse about myself and my life. Walked away from both friendships, one had lasted nearly 18 years, the other only 4 years but we'd been best friends and saw each other at least twice a week.

I think the Spanish have a proverb 'It's always a friend that hates you the most' and sadly I think that's often true.

Don't do it by text though, a bit asinine really. Do it face to face.

scarletforya Fri 08-Aug-14 21:39:37

I feel a bit sad that you say 'I'll just have my little sister' like she's the booby prize. I know it's off topic but surely your own sister is better than this toxic user?!

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