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Should I respond to this email from my mother's husband?

(241 Posts)
BigPawsBrown Wed 06-Aug-14 23:05:49

My mum left my Dad for someone else ten years ago and her new husband is an arse difficult. He makes horrible barbed remarks to me and has recently deleted me off facebook. My sister and I see my mum sporadically at best and he never sees his kids. They both, however, think they've done nothing wrong in their relationships with their children. I've had loads of counselling about my mum but have tried to just accept she is never going to be like a normal mum to me sad

It was his 60th on Sunday. I've never sent him a card or anything and I'm not 100% when his birthday is but have had some contact with him lately because he asked to read a novel I've written. I've just got a literary agent so was feeling confident and sent it to him and he was mean about it...

Anyway, he has today sent me an email saying:

Subject: question
Is there any particular reason why I didn't even warrant a birthday card this year?

angry Usually would ignore but I really want to reply.

A. Why expect a birthday card when you're a nob to me all year?
B. I could say I've got a card and present here but since you sent this email you can't have them.
C. Ignore?

BigPawsBrown Mon 11-Aug-14 23:28:22

Be forgotten probably. She went on about how my generation doesn't send cards but it means a lot to them etc. I pointed out that he fails to meet "my standards" a lot but it doesn't give me carte Blanche to send abuse hmm

TakingTheStairs Mon 11-Aug-14 23:28:49

Hi Paws,

I'm glad the chat with your mum hasn't upset you. I don't think you should have to lie low though.

I would also like to formally thank you for introducing the word twatclacker to my vocabulary grin

eddielizzard Tue 12-Aug-14 07:50:41

you handled that really well.

HaroldLloyd Tue 12-Aug-14 17:13:38

Pleased it went ok. He is an asshat.

CornChips Tue 12-Aug-14 17:18:52

'lie low' ?

Heavens. That made me shiver a bit. He sounds abusive... is she okay?

frumpypigskin Tue 12-Aug-14 17:34:46

He has sent you many messages asking what the problem is. Why don't you tell him what the problem is?

I'm not saying you don't have reason to be upset or angry with him but surely your actions are quite passive aggressive. Rather than hiding from him can't you just tell him that his behaviour towards you doesn't leave you feeling 'close' or like you want to send him birthday cards.

At least then he knows he's being an arsehole and that his behaviour has repercussions. Do you think your paths will never cross again or that he won't ask you the same thing when you see him again. Trying to answer the question in person would be more uncomfortable surely?

Zucker Tue 12-Aug-14 18:13:41

Lie low! Sounds like he's blown his top over this and he's raging at your mother about it. Stupid little man.

BigPawsBrown Wed 20-Aug-14 13:26:56

He has today sent me flowers shock

eddielizzard Wed 20-Aug-14 13:35:27

shock wow. any note?

Snapespeare Wed 20-Aug-14 13:55:18

your mum sent flowers in his name?

BigPawsBrown Wed 20-Aug-14 14:15:14

It says peace offering, then his name. I thanked him and he said you're welcome so think they are from him

AlpacaMyBags Wed 20-Aug-14 14:19:50

Nice of him, but a peace offering isn't the same as an apology, is it?

It's a step in the right direction though

lucysnowe Wed 20-Aug-14 14:51:54

I hope you guys can make up smile

It's nice that he's sent you flowers bigpaws, but this sounds like the kind of dynamic that's just going to keep repeating.

-He does something hurtful
-You get understandably annoyed and stressed out
-He makes a conciliatory gesture
-You let your guard back down

Aaaand . .

-He does something hurtful.

In my experience of twatclackers (genius) there won't be a genuine apology or resolution, and the behaviour won't change. The flowers sound a bit like a way of disarming you so you can't continue to be cross about his nasty behaviour. Sorry if that sounds cynical wink

Make sure you look after yourself, and don't be any more vulnerable to him than you have to be. thanks

WhereforeArtThou Wed 20-Aug-14 17:20:42

I'd take the 'peace offering' at face value. I think you did the right thing to say thank you.
It's much better not to be at war with him. Take an even bigger step back and keep him at arms length.

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