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Toddlers-a libido killer? Does everyone feel like this?

(24 Posts)
elizabethtailored Thu 31-Jul-14 11:59:27

Is it normal with very small children to not want sex? I am not on the pill or any medication which could be affecting my libido. I have been telling myself that everyone with toddlers tumbles exhausted into bed at night with sex the last thing on their minds but I wonder if that is really true.

My husband is great but right now I feel I could happily never have sex again even if brad Pitt turned up on my doorstep and I know this is upsetting him which is the last thing I want to do. I don't know what to do.

Fairylea Thu 31-Jul-14 12:06:02

I've been through the toddler stage twice and with my first child 11 years ago I found my sex drive slowly returned from about 2 onwards. But this time round it seems to be the opposite and I am feeling like you! (Ds is 2 and a bit). I do think toddlers are just so full on they really do take it out of you. They are also so physically demanding it's hard to fancy more physical contact after all that everyday. .. at least that's how I often feel. I'm telling myself it's a stage and will hopefully pass. Not helpful much but you're not alone...!

geniusloci Thu 31-Jul-14 12:09:41

Ds 22 mo here. I also feel like sex is a chore now, dp doesn't know this though. I do hope my mono comes back. Losing a little but of baby weight helped me a bit but still not the rampant self I used to be.

geniusloci Thu 31-Jul-14 12:10:22

Mojo not mono grin

elizabethtailored Thu 31-Jul-14 12:13:00

Phew. I hate the idea of pretending but husband is getting v hurt. Would rather read my book. I never used to feel this way!

JockHorror Thu 31-Jul-14 12:21:42

Yes I feel exactly like this for the majority of the time. With me, I just feel that getting to sleep ASAP is more important as I know that I'll get woken up x amount of times by dd (21 m) to satisfy her boob obsession.

elizabethtailored Thu 31-Jul-14 13:22:18

Am feeling slightly relieved. Was imaging a sexless marriage for evermore. I hope my mojo comes back!

EmGee Thu 31-Jul-14 13:36:00

Ha I could've written your post!! To be honest, I've become less interested since DD2 came along (now 2.5yrs). With one, it was easy to have sex after lunch when DD was napping. Now, of course, she doesn't nap as she is 4.5 and it does nothing for my mojo when she is pottering around asking for this, that and the other! So the pressure is on in the morning (I am still woken up by the two kids every night - so I am blotto in the morning!) and at night when I just want to flop into bed/read my book.

I made the mistake of telling DH it was like 'another chore' - I was trying to explain how I felt but chose my words wrongly! - he was rather hurt and upset (not to mention put out) that I would feel this way. But so many women feel like this - I have talked about it with friends and we are all the same!

Having small kids is just bloody exhausting full stop.

I feel the same way, not helped by having 2 DC still sleeping with me! Instead of being sensible and putting them in their beds when they're asleep, DH just leaves them to it and goes in one of their rooms anyway, so not much effort on either side tbh. I don't even want hugs etc from DH as I think I feel the DC are cuddling and snuggling me so much I just want to be left alone!

....maybe blokes need to talk to each other about this, then they'd realise it's not just them, everyone is in the same boat!

elizabethtailored Thu 31-Jul-14 13:48:19

From my husband you would think he is the only one!

StrawberryMouse Thu 31-Jul-14 15:21:27

Toddlers are exhausting. Sometimes I just can't entertain sex and pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow but I do still get flashes of my old self quite often and when I do I try to act on it straight away as I find the more sex I have, the more I want?

I also try to keep on top of my weight, buy new clothes and get my hair done regularly. When I feel attractive and get attention from other people for my appearance (that sounds dreadful but you know what I mean) it reminds me that I'm still attractive and sexual and me, not just a mother of two very demanding small children. grin

But it's all effort isn't it? Mostly I make it but I don't beat myself up when I'm just too tired.

melissa83 Thu 31-Jul-14 16:17:42

I dont feel like this but dh has a very active role in childcare and the home so I have a lot of time to chill and retain the pre children me. If you feel like this 9/10 Iwould say your dh needs to do more

Floop Thu 31-Jul-14 16:36:50

How do you feel about kissing and cuddling? Are you still affectionate.

Easing myself back into intimacy helped me greatly.

CorporateRockWhore Thu 31-Jul-14 16:39:04

TBH, me and DH are in the same boat on this one.

I find it very, very hard to switch from 'mummy' to 'sexy' in a house full of nappies, toys, mess, etc, and with a child sleeping in bedrooms on either side of ours. And he feels the same.

Dunno what the answer is. We have spoken about it, and are ok with letting it ride for now, hoping in a few years it will be back on track. I do worry it's a slippery slope to never again though...

elizabethtailored Thu 31-Jul-14 16:47:09

Corporate-that is how I feel about not being able to switch off. I get so worked up by a messy house, standard toddler stress, live in fear of my terrible sleeper waking up- I just can't relax.

I am concerned by the slippery slope. My husband works fairly long hours but is pretty good at weekends. However, I never have time to myself-unless you count doing an online shop during nap times.

elizabethtailored Thu 31-Jul-14 16:49:39

Corporate-that is how I feel about not being able to switch off. I get so worked up by a messy house, standard toddler stress, live in fear of my terrible sleeper waking up- I just can't relax.

I am concerned by the slippery slope. My husband works fairly long hours but is pretty good at weekends. However, I never have time to myself-unless you count doing an online shop during nap times.

RoseTheHat Thu 31-Jul-14 16:55:09

Yes I felt like this with dc1 but actually since dc2 our sex life has improved massively - we discovered that with two not brilliant sleepers we were so tired at bedtime, and so worried about them waking up that it just wasn't worth the effort...the answer: we do it straight after they are in bed for the night, in the front room - it has honestly done wonders for us grin It's definitely true that the more you do it, the more you want it.

elizabethtailored Thu 31-Jul-14 17:00:29

Mine isn't home for bedtime!

CorporateRockWhore Thu 31-Jul-14 19:53:20

Rose you're right about just doing it, and that instigating more. I just can't seem to get the first doing it done! grin

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 Thu 31-Jul-14 19:59:07

I felt similar.

Then, we went on holiday. Super luxurious with fab child care. We had sex almost every day. It was fantastic, and proved that it's still there, just slightly squashed up by the needs if a three and one year old!

grumblepuss Thu 31-Jul-14 20:08:22

I wonder if its evolutionary?
Getting pregnant when you've got a little person who you can't control totally prob isn't a great idea.

If you're living in a cave and need to protect you and a toddler from saber tooth tigers, fire and poisonous berries while hunter-gathering and being heavily pregnant and not able to run after them?
Potentially not wise, having a baby a year or so later much better idea.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 Thu 31-Jul-14 21:48:19

Grumble... That doesn't make sense! The vast majority of people have second children either 1/2/3 years apart!

AbbieHoffmansAfro Thu 31-Jul-14 22:00:53

DH and I certainly go through phases (when DC2 is acting up) where looking after the kids is a complete passion killer. We make each other laugh saying if we weren't so tired we would [insert fantasy of choice here] or, "I'm going to sleep now, just pretend I [insert sexual practice of choice here]."

It gets better, but not, dare I say it, without a certain amount of work to get back on track. Like, starting something even when you don't feel like it because you will get into it and it gets you back into the habit. And never indulging in recriminations if one of you wants to and one doesn't.

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