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Teenage Son asking me to tell people he's homeless when he's not, otherwise he will be in a hostel

(151 Posts)
Anotherproblemanothername Thu 31-Jul-14 11:28:50

Long story about my teenager. He got kicked out of school in December, has failed to attend college interviews or apprenticeship interview. He's hardly made any effort to get a job.

He's run away from home twice, been caught shoplifting. I can't trust him to look after his younger sibling so have to shell out loads of money paying holiday club so I can go to work while he sits on his arse all day doing nothing.

The latest thing is he wants to be a girl. Totally out of the blue, I try to be supportive and call him by his new name, Dp struggles to call him that.

Last week he goes to a transgender convention then doesn't want to come home. He text his Dad vile abuse about him not supporting him and had a massive go at me as well. He did come home but went the next day to stay with a friend. I haven't seen him since.

He says he's not coming home because of Dp, they'd had a row over housework and Ds went to leave, I was pregnant at the time and Dp said if he causes me stress and I lose the baby he will be sorry.

Since he's been gone I have miscarried. Now Ds is saying he's not coming home because he's scared of Dp.

He text me this morning saying that I'm going to get a phone call and I have to say I've kicked him out and then he will get a flat. I've said no because he's not homeless. He says he will be on the streets or in a hostel if I don't.

He also said that even if Dp leaves he's still not coming home. I've asked why but haven't had a reply.

What do I do?

Seriouslyffs Thu 31-Jul-14 11:30:41

How old is he?

EatShitDerek Thu 31-Jul-14 11:31:26

Ignore him. Sounds like he is having a sulk and for some reason wants his own place. Personally I wouldn't be telling anyone he has been kicked out. I would be saying he left of his accord and can come home when ever he wants.

Anotherproblemanothername Thu 31-Jul-14 11:32:46

He's 17.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 31-Jul-14 11:34:09

I would do as he wishes, say that he is homeless and let him get the place of his own if it's on offer. My friend did something similar for her DD when they were a little overcrowded and it seemed to bump her up the housing list. It sounds as though he needs independence if you are going to be able to build bridges.

Unlabelled Thu 31-Jul-14 11:34:54

How long until he's 18? My friend had similar issues with her son. Once he turned 18 he was able to join the housing association list and his since got his own flat.

So sorry for your loss and for all the stress you're under it must be very difficult for you.

Anotherproblemanothername Thu 31-Jul-14 11:35:59

Not until March.

ThistleDoMeNicely Thu 31-Jul-14 11:36:05

I would say he is homeless personally. He obviously wants or needs his space away from your home. Give him it. Living alone at that age is hard, I moved out at 16. Trust me when I say it's better to have him in homeless accommodation than in a hostel.

If he's not serious he will be back. It's so tough. But if he is I think it's better he has somewhere safe to put his head at night.

micah Thu 31-Jul-14 11:36:47

It's likely he's blaming himself for the loss of your baby and can't face you either. Being told if he causes you stress you'll lose the baby...then you lose it. Easily jump for a 17 year old to make that he's responsible...

Sounds like he needs counselling or some sort of help. Especially since he has transgender issues too.

Branleuse Thu 31-Jul-14 11:37:30

i would say he is homeless to the authorities if asked. Be on his side a bit

DiaDuit Thu 31-Jul-14 11:40:50

He'll not get a flat even if you do say he is homeless. He'll prob get sent to a b&b and then probably a 1 room bedsit.

Anotherproblemanothername Thu 31-Jul-14 11:46:59

I've asked him to ring me so I have all the facts.

I do see what you're saying, I'd rather he was somewhere safe than not.

He does have a home here though.

Vitalstatistix Thu 31-Jul-14 11:52:05

Well, you say that but it sounds as though he has interpreted what your partner said as a threat and is afraid to come home.

If he is too scared to come home because he believes your partner meant him harm when he said what he said, and because of whatever conflict there is, then it would be better if you helped him to have a roof than to cut off any outside assistance by saying no, he can come home, when it is clear that for whatever reason, he feels he can't.

gamerchick Thu 31-Jul-14 11:53:37

Do what he wants.. they'll put him in supported housing with staff on site. It's a huge reassurance knowing they're not left to their own devices. He'll have to pay his own bills, sort out his own hb and whatnot.

It does sound as if you all need space.

ThistleDoMeNicely Thu 31-Jul-14 12:01:10

As long as you make sure you tell him he has a home with you that's all you can do. But for now I would respect and support what he wants to be honest. It's hard I understand that but essentially he is an adult, you have to let him go for now I think

Anotherproblemanothername Thu 31-Jul-14 12:19:55

I've just had the housing woman on the phone. She said he feels unsafe because of Dp. I've told them my side of the story but she said she doesn't know who to believe. Sounds like social services are going to come and pay a visit.

Vitalstatistix Thu 31-Jul-14 12:23:44

poor kid.

He can still feel unsafe even if you don't agree that he is unsafe.

If he thought when your partner said "he will be sorry" that that meant he would physically hurt him - you can understand that a 17 yr old would be afraid. Even if you can say on the phone oh no, my partner would never actually hit or hurt him - that doesn't mean that's not a genuine fear your child has.

Anotherproblemanothername Thu 31-Jul-14 12:27:49

Well last week his excuse was because my partner won't call him by his girls name..

I've stuck up and stood by this child when everyone one else walked away. I've always been there for him.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Thu 31-Jul-14 12:30:17

I can't see why you're so keen to tell 'my side of the story.' AsVital said, it's all very well telling him in retrospect he's welcome ar home, but if you have a partner who makes threats, why should he believe that? Would you feel welcome in a house where your mother couldn't protect you from such threats?
Sounds like you'd be doing everyone a favour if you supported him with this, and if your partner manages to convince him he's welcome in the family home, well that's all to the good isn't it?

Anotherproblemanothername Thu 31-Jul-14 12:31:35

It's just an excuse though so he can be near his friends.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Thu 31-Jul-14 12:31:40

Btw, it's your job to stick up for and stand by your kids. It's what we do.

Vitalstatistix Thu 31-Jul-14 12:33:18

You're his mother. It's your job to stick up for him and stand by him.

If he feels like he needs a space of his own, then support him in that. His own place and some outside support could make a massive difference here.

Is it that you feel you will be judged if you say yes, I don't want him home?

Vitalstatistix Thu 31-Jul-14 12:33:43

Has he told you that it is just an excuse so that he can be near his friends?

Anotherproblemanothername Thu 31-Jul-14 12:33:52

I know it is and I do all the time even if he's wrong.

Anotherproblemanothername Thu 31-Jul-14 12:36:21

Well last week when he left was because of a different reason.

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