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The Mumsnet Novel

(28 Posts)
AlexVause82 Thu 31-Jul-14 11:23:07

Anyone up for this? Each member writes a short paragraph, one after the other to conitnue the story. You can take the story anywhere you want and nobody is allowed to complain smile

EatShitDerek Thu 31-Jul-14 11:29:16

You could have started it that would have been a lot easier seen as it was your idea grin

charlietangoteakettlebarbeque Thu 31-Jul-14 11:30:15

up for it

Yet again a silence fell over the Mumsnet Writer's Group. Alex, as ever wanted others to come up with a good idea first. A small, silent wave of resentment swept round the group.

AlexVause82 Thu 31-Jul-14 11:33:30

LOL yes you're very right Eat!

I stared at my screen and opened up Google. I typed in the words 'Mumsnet' and waited patiently for the page to load.
Suddenly I heard footsteps coming from the hall outside my living room, I quickly closed the web browser and turned to the door to see him standing there looking at me.


'What's for dinner?' He demanded, the petulant twist to his mouth making her resent him all over again.

'I haven't cooked, can't you see I am working?' She answered, biting back the sarcastic replies that rose to her lips.

'But I'm hungry' He whined.

EatShitDerek Thu 31-Jul-14 11:37:23

It was the blue coloured child. I quickly found mumsnet and asked them how I unsmurf my child.

vladthedisorganised Thu 31-Jul-14 11:43:22

She gritted her teeth and looked up to see his whiskers twitching. And they said that having a familiar would make life easier, she thought.

"You know you're perfectly capable of operating a tin opener," she said sternly. The cat lifted up his paws with a sarcastic air.

"Er.. hello? No opposable thumbs?" he replied. "God, sometimes I despair of humans, I really do." He padded over to her laptop and sniffed at the screen. "Been done," he sniffed.

"What on earth do you mean?"

"Enhancement serum. I know it could be a moneyspinner, but Boots Protect and Perfect got there first."

"Seriously?". Griselda was surprised. "I didn't think they were allowed to use magic in commercial cosmetics.."


The first replies were the usual demands to know WHY she had a blue child. Had she drunk blue poster paint while pregnant. Why was she being blueist. Followed by a tight spat between two child development 'gurus' with opposing notions of the effect blueness could have on a child. Several also suggested calling SS.

She drummed her fingers on the desktop. Surely someone had a solution? She couldn't be the only parent with a blue child? Perhaps it WAS something she had done?

As she pondered the little blue chap crawled onto her lap and started spelling out the interesting words appearing on her screen.

Mummy, what is a cunt?

Yes. It was drip feed time. She had forgotten to mention her blue child was also half cat. God. What a mess.

EatShitDerek Thu 31-Jul-14 11:45:10

Cunt is just another way of pronouncing Peter Andre dear

Unlabelled Thu 31-Jul-14 11:52:11

Suddenly there was a deep rumbling underfoot, the house began to shake. Out of the window they could see a huge tree rising up from the ground.

Blue cat/child turned circles excitedly exclaiming 'it's the faraway tree! Quick let's climb to the top and see what land is there'

They climbed the boughs avoiding Dame Washalot and taking a moment to piss off the angry pixie until they heard the familiar whooshing sound. They popped their heads through the clouds to discover the land of...

AlexVause82 Thu 31-Jul-14 11:58:12


This is where the trolls of Mumsnet hung out and used keyboards as shields. It was dark, the sky was black, the hills were misty.
Halfcat tenderly approached a wishing well covered in slippery moss.

As he popped his head over the side...

A small voice rose up,

No, NO! We did odd genitals last week! Think of something else!, I don't want to call in the Key Stage Four lot just yet, it is their holidays, after all! Gimme something round neglectful door shit...actually, all three together...Just because its slow doesn't mean we can slack!'

'Christ, I am surrounded by amateurs, I tell you, amateurs. Make it believable FFS!'

Bluecatboy shot a quizzical glance at her. She shrugged her shoulders. Clearly life as a troll wasn't the walk in the park they all imagined. From further down the lane came music. Not nice music, but the kind of music you get at toddler music groups.

Intrigued, the pair continued on. All thought of food forgotten.

Appletini Thu 31-Jul-14 12:14:28

As they walked down the lane, the sky turned black. Thunder cracked across the sky and a low howling moan was heard from within the trees.

"Oh my god," she said, pointing at the sky, a Pom bear falling uneaten from her trembling hand.

Written across the sky in tendrils of whispy white smoke were three letters. It was the dark mark. Right there in the sky.

It said: "LTB"

A sudden downpour of gin left them both soaked and breathless.

AlexVause82 Thu 31-Jul-14 12:19:46

Halfcat lapped at the puddles of Gin and started to display and angry side.

He gazed up at me and shouted..

Between the glowering sky and the flashes of lightning, They spotted a flickering neon sign. The Judgypants Emporium! She gasped in horror. She had believed it to be an urban myth, but there it was, purple, pink and lilac neon, flashing haphazardly through the gloom, beckoning them forward. As they arrived at the magnificent Art Deco doors, a a small group of ladies with nice ironed jeans and demure floral blouses scowled heavily at her. Bluecatboy shuddered in fear, and buried himself in her arms.

Already dizzy from the gin, he continued to shout, sadly his words were muffled by her boden top.

'Can we help you?' Demanded the scowliest lady of all. The others crowded round her, clearly she was the Queen Bee of the group, and the others simply her fawning sycophants.

'Er, yes, um, thing is, we are a bit wet and Bluecatboyhalfcat is wet and a bit there a public toilet I can use to sort us out?'

'Why wasn't he wearing a jacket?'
'Do you always drink when in charge of your offspring?'
'Why did you take him out when it was raining?'

The questions crashed over her head. Their voices rising higher and higher. Trembling she backed away, straight into one of the many public telephone boxes that lined the road - all direct lines to social services.

AlexVause82 Thu 31-Jul-14 12:40:23

The ladies continued to chant questions whilst banging their hands against the telephone box like something out of a zombie movie. The girl covered her face in her hands and pleaded "please please stop!".

All of a sudden everything went quiet, she slowly dropped her hands frm her face and opened her eyes, carefully taking in her surroundings.

She was surrounded by people looking at her, it had been a dream.

She woke up on a coach, the sweat running down her face she took out her mobile phone and

Unlabelled Thu 31-Jul-14 12:51:42

And saw she'd had an NHS text inviting her for a smear.

AlexVause82 Thu 31-Jul-14 13:40:43

"A smear?" She thought.

Having grown up in the remote hills of Motuo, China she had no idea what this was.

She excitedly clicked on Google to start dress shopping for what must be some kind of party

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