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Absolutely sick of DHs criticism

(52 Posts)
Hiphooray Wed 30-Jul-14 20:57:27

If things fall out of his routine with the children he nags and picks and makes me feel absolutely shit.

I'm not a weird bleach-everything-every-day-clean-freak. Granted. Things are generally tidy and we have a cleaner to go over everything once a week. Still though he can't help but criticise - "have you sprayed the shower?" etc etc etc

I came in tonight from work and he was rocking DD off to sleep and kept doing dramatic "shhhh" signals - ditto if I'm on the phone to my mum and the kids are upstairs in bed.

We have problems with the kids getting up too early (5.30am). Could it be something to do with the fact they HAVE to go to bed at 6.30pm? I should think so. Dare I change it? No.

I've had PND twice now. I'm in a good place now after (finally) going back to work. This nagging is just ridiculous though and makes me question my ability as a mum and as a wife.

He has bizarre quirks that I just let him get on with without criticism, even though I hate them. For example his need to drink every night.

I've tried to talk to him about this but he won't change and I don't know what to do next.

Advice warmly welcomed.

Humansatnav Wed 30-Jul-14 20:59:35

I think you know, deep down, that this is a deal breaker.

SlicedAndDiced Wed 30-Jul-14 21:00:23

Have you criticised him enough?

Actually I wouldn't even bother, that's just going tit for tat.

I couldn't put up with that behaviour. Does the man have any redeeming qualities?

RandomMess Wed 30-Jul-14 21:01:32

I think you should move this into relationships tbh.

What are the key things you would like to change as it sounds as their is a lot going on?

Bed at 6.30pm, rocking a baby to sleep erm yes they'll be awake at 5.30am!

nocabbageinmyeye Wed 30-Jul-14 21:04:43

A need to drink every night is not a "bizarre quirk". Are the children in bed that early to facilitate his drinking?

Matildathecat Wed 30-Jul-14 21:05:21

You do know that you don't have to obey him, right? He isn't your boss.

BerylStreep Wed 30-Jul-14 21:07:53

What age are the children?

Hiphooray Wed 30-Jul-14 21:09:26

Kids are 3 and 1.

He's otherwise an excellent husband and father. I should have mentioned that! Was in rant full flow.

Hiphooray Wed 30-Jul-14 21:11:58

DS who is three goes upstairs for story at 6.30pm, asleep by 7.10pm.

hamptoncourt Wed 30-Jul-14 21:13:32

When he asks "have you sprayed the shower/whatever" just say "No, have you?" and walk off.

The drinking every night could be a problem.

What would happen if you stood up to him and said the DC weren't going to bed until later? Would he get nasty? Sulk?

What are you getting out of the relationship in terms of your needs being met?

Hiphooray Wed 30-Jul-14 21:17:05

hampton

Yes I just say "no I haven't." He seethes silently.

Yes drinks every night. Affects our sex life as in it would be the only time really that I would be relaxed enough the think about it, but once he's had a drink it's out of the question. He then moans about it.

I said after I started this rant that I wanted to put the kids to bed at 7.30pm. He's agreed but with a sulky tone.

He's affectionate. He's loyal to an astonishing degree.

HearMyRoar Wed 30-Jul-14 21:17:15

In what way is he an excellent husband and father? I have noticed that people always say that exact phrase when they are living with a useless arse.

I don't think making you feel crap and belittled is the sign of an excellent husband or father. I also don't think needing to drink every night is a bizzare quirk.

Hiphooray Wed 30-Jul-14 21:21:31

No he is a good husband. He's never cheat. He cooks for me and the kids. He works hard at work. He pulls his weight in the house and in childcare, now that I'm back at work. Doesn't mind me going out with friends, having outside interests. Is supportive and nursed me through PND (despite me now sometimes looking back and feeling he could have helped me to access more specialist help really as I was in a very bad way).

Hiphooray Wed 30-Jul-14 21:21:44

He'd

CundtBake Wed 30-Jul-14 21:25:40

The things you have listed don't make him a 'good' husband or father. Those are pretty basic expectations.

It seems like this is perhaps more of a serious issue than you think.

Eebahgum Wed 30-Jul-14 21:28:58

Some of the things you list in his good qualities are more like bare minimum standards - "he wouldn't cheat. . . He doesn't mind me going out with friends. . ." Does he make you happy more than he makes you sad op? Or does your relationship swing between ok and shit?

Hiphooray Wed 30-Jul-14 21:54:18

TBH it's the only relationship I've ever had so I don't know.

Matildathecat Wed 30-Jul-14 22:00:42

He doesn't sound so bad at all. If all men are slightly autistic ( yes, this is a lighthearted joke), maybe he's just a little further up the spectrum.

What I would say is to continue to assert your views and thoughts as with the bedtime issue. Make him see that you might actually know best at times. I agree he sounds very loyal and loving. Maybe just a little inflexible.

Do not LTB!!

CundtBake Wed 30-Jul-14 22:03:00

What the hell was that comment about?!?!

OP, I'm not saying LTB but it does sound like you both need to have some important conversations.

Does he make you feel loved and happy?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Wed 30-Jul-14 22:04:20

He doesn't sound like a bad partner.

But he could do with drinking less and listening more. If you feel confident discussing these issues with him that is good.

It's only if you feel afraid to conform him that I'd be worried.

Floop Wed 30-Jul-14 22:04:35

'Have you sprayed the shower?'

'No, have you sprayed the shower?'

'No'

'Then fuck off.'

Hiphooray Wed 30-Jul-14 22:13:40

What's LTB?

Floop that just made me go "pffffft" and he's in bed next to me and now if seems like I'm not angry when I really am!

Hiphooray Wed 30-Jul-14 22:16:20

Tonight...

Dinner was getting cooked. There was a big cake on the table that I decided to have a slither of.

DH: "Why are you eating cake? Dinner is going to be ready soon."

WTAF?!

Am I five? Sick.

theendoftheendoftheend Wed 30-Jul-14 22:19:00

He sounds highly stressed/stressy.

You sound like you are in a horrible position and really need to take steps to change it.

Doubtfuldaphne Wed 30-Jul-14 22:31:42

My brothers are like this, they have so many rules which they set upon themselves. I'm much more laid back (but still have routines obviously)
I would try to get him to go to a counsellor with you so you can discuss things properly. He's treating you like a child for goodness sake!

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