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How do you cope with a messy partner?

(24 Posts)

it's not worth putting your kids at risk. You can still love her, but keep your kids safe.

I would be issuing a warning that if it doesn't change you will have no choice but to leave for the sake of the kids however you really don't want it to come to that.

I would then follow through and leave, for the sake of your children if it doesn't improve.

Someone who has had SS/environmental health involved and STILL behaves this way, probably needs to seek professional help. As would an alchoholic. I'd also ask her to see her GP and see if she could get some CBT as it sounds a bit deeper than her just being simply messy. It's impacting on her families health.

KrevlornswathoftheDeathwokClan Wed 30-Jul-14 19:26:10

That is gross so yanbu. How many kids do you have and are they all joint? Any old enough to help out?

FlossyMoo Wed 30-Jul-14 16:24:37

How did SS & Enviro end up getting involved?

ProtegeMoi Wed 30-Jul-14 16:14:38

It's worth also mentioning that social services / environmental health have been involved previously as things got that bad when DP was in charge so it isn't just about if the relationship is worth the mess, it's an issue for my kids. When I go back in September I seriously worry things will descend to this level again.

Buttercup27 Wed 30-Jul-14 14:12:25

Are you my husband ??? I've made a simple list of jobs that must be done everyday (basically what you would give a kid as a chore list) by having it written down, I don't know why, but it's a real push to make me tidy up. I like to make sure everything is ticked off before I go to bed. It's the only way I can eve start to be tidy!

ThatBloodyWoman Wed 30-Jul-14 14:07:30

Tell her straight, and tell her how unattractive it is to you.

EmberElftree Wed 30-Jul-14 14:04:40

She is lazy and needs a good kick up the arse. The used sanitary towel? ON THE RADIATOR? Urgh that is absolutely mingin'. I feel for you but how long have you put up with it for?

My DH does absent minded stuff all the time, like it is impossible for him to put a lid back on anything e.g. jars, toothpaste, ketchup, cap of gin bottle etc. so when I go to pick it up it falls out of my hand (and yes I still expect it to be sealed properly duh!)

He leaves his wet towel on the bed, floor, back of chair etc. and throws off all of his clothes as soon as he is in the door where they lie until I pick them up.

Kitchen is a state after he cooks and it very often looks like we have a poltergeist after he has been in there as every drawer and cupboard door is open.

When he gets in from work he does put his shirt, socks and boxers in the washing cupboard every day but just on top of the washing machine never in the actual laundry basket (which is beside the washing machine)

But at least he produces delish food after a cooking frenzy and is hygienic!

You have to have it out with her and set up some system which works e.g. I do all of the laundry so it dries properly and smells nice and remains the original colour and I do most of the daily cleaning and cooking as I work less hours but my DH loves to cook at the weekend (poltergeist) and cleans up after himself and occasionally has a mad cleaning spree so I pitch in and help him. It's sort of natural for us so I can imagine you're up to high doh with it.

hotfuzzra Wed 30-Jul-14 13:11:01

Have you told her you're considering living apart? Is there a constructive way you can reassure her that you love her and don't want to break up, but can't cope with the yuck factor?
The nappy used sanitary towel thing is disgusting, can't she see that?
Personally I'm more like you and get frustrated when my H walks into the kitchen and doesn't bring his used plates/glasses. I started tidying up and getting annoyed, now I ignore it so he has to do it. If you stop doing things for her I assume she'd eventually do it?

ProtegeMoi Wed 30-Jul-14 12:40:38

I don't want to end the relationship no, but I can't live like this. If I nag about the mess it becomes an argument, it's always "I was going to do it later". Except later never comes. I can let some things slide but I don't want to live with this mess and continually have to moan to get anything done.

vrtra Wed 30-Jul-14 11:31:21

Wow I thought I was bad (allergic to cleaning so I do the bare minimum required for hygiene) but the nappy/towel thing is just rough.

I got dumped because of my untidiness (apparently), not suggesting you do the same but I think words are needed about what is appropriate to leave out. Eg I would leave a plate out overnight unless it still had food on it, but for others that's not tolerable. And so on

Frogisatwat Wed 30-Jul-14 07:32:57

I am your girlfriend. Apart from the sanitary towels yuk!
However I do find it a lot easier to be tidy with other people around. I have ADD which doesn't help and I could make a mess in an empty room
. You have to get tough. I accept I will always struggle to be a natural neat freak but I cannot let it impact on other people so out of respect for my partner I have to focus on cleaning up

Bluecarrot Wed 30-Jul-14 03:12:40

I'm in a similar position OP. We have a baby and I have an 11 yr old from another relationship.

His mum did everything for him and I'm slowly attempting to "train" him. Its 15 months in now and he occasionally cleans kitchen without me asking. It's never been done to a great standard. Its frustratingly slow progress but it's something. I refuse to enable him but I'm starting to put more pressure on him to pull finger out because, like you, I'm struggling to live with someone so thoughtless.

Just yesterday I started writing short reminder lists for older dd and DP of things to check before they leave a room. Not sure how successful it'll be but my god I might burst a blood vessel if they continue to leave everything at their asses. It's like they want to put minimal effort in regardless of how if affects others.< breathe>

HOWEVER...

Was your partner like this before the baby? I have found since baby came along, even though I'm at home, I just can't get things done as effectively as I used to. I'm often distracted mid-chore, and my memory is def not as sharp as it used to be. Clothes might sit on stairs waiting to go up for days. Yes, it's simple enough to do, and you would think I'd do it in the first spare minute I have, but actually, its one of 50 things I need to do "when I have a minute" and dd is usually into arms when I am going upstairs.

FlossyMoo Wed 30-Jul-14 01:46:00

Hi OP

My DH is like this (not the sanitary towel or nappy thing that's gross) but all the other stuff is him/was him.

I used to get myself so worked up about it. We would argue. Well me mostly shouting you re a slob and him not seeing my point and say I am nagging.
Like you I did not see why I should have to constantly tell another adult to do the simplest basic tasks such as take your dirty plate to the kitchen.

Truth was he just doesn't 'see' it.
I tried not doing it for him and not telling him to do it in the vain hope he would soon notice the mess.
He didn't. It just didn't register. It's not on his radar.

However I love him enough and he has so many other fantastic qualities that I never considered leaving him.
After 13 years I just continue to repeat, take your plate in, hang your coat up, put your clothes in the basket, pick up the towel, wash up........

I am not perfect yet he loves me including all my faults as I do him.

If being messy is her only fault then why do you REALLY want to end the relationship?

CrimeaRiver Wed 30-Jul-14 01:15:43

I think you are where you are <helpful>.

Seriously, you sound like you're at the end of your tether. If it's come to the point of thinking of leaving her, ie ending the relationship, you have to decide between her and the relationship.

If you choose the relationship, you will have to resign yourself to a degree of this behaviour. But your gf also, if she agrees she wants to stay in the relationship too, has to make an effort. So you compromise. You absolutely draw the line somewhere (I suggest dirty nappies and sanitary towels as a starter), and whatever is the other side of the line you mutually draw, you just bite your tongue.

So, so hard. But compromise is the only way forward.

Id personally consider living separately - that's gross.

Though once she knows your seriously disgusted by her habits - it may be hard to recover the relationship

Id start by putting post it notes as reminders everywhere myself... Though that could be equally damaging to a relationship I guess.

Sorry

deakymom Wed 30-Jul-14 00:54:04

bit minging isnt it? i ditched a man for leaving shitty nappies on the floor i had the baby in my arms and stepped right in it i got worse though because he hadn't even changed it i had and i passed it to him as he was right by the nappy bin he dumped it on the floor he looked at me and called me a filthy cow i told him to fuck right off out of my life sad

you might have to live separately until she finds out your serious about the cleaning

OnlyTheWelshCanCwtch Wed 30-Jul-14 00:34:33

Ew that's minging, especially the sanitary towel!

Itscurtainsforyou Wed 30-Jul-14 00:01:35

There's messy and there's scummy. Sanitary towels on the radiator and nappies lying around falls into the scummy category for me...

StrawberryGashes Tue 29-Jul-14 23:55:37

Both of us are pretty messy so we've no right to moan at each other, but we will still have the odd whinge; he'll complain about things I've left on the kitchen counter and I'll complain about washing he's left on the floor. It's never a huge issue for us though as we're both as bad as each other.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 29-Jul-14 23:54:04

I'm messy, it was a point of contention between me and my Ex.

I am trying to be better, as now I live alone there is only me there to tidy. She knows you'll pick up after her eventually.

The sanitary towel and nappy thing is just disgusting and unsanitary. Putting empty things back in the fridge boils my piss, but I have an empty plate next to me now which has been there 2 days blush

Azquilith Tue 29-Jul-14 23:51:04

I am incredibly messy. My DP and I each have two things about the other that winds us up and we let go. That is one of his two! We also have a baby. However we also both work full time and I have never left my sanitary towels on the radiator! I'd split the mess into unacceptable and lay down the law about those, and acceptable, 'one of the things!'

ProtegeMoi Tue 29-Jul-14 23:47:16

Anyone? That should say.

ProtegeMoi Tue 29-Jul-14 23:46:58

Anu

ProtegeMoi Tue 29-Jul-14 18:04:12

My girlfriend is unbelievably messy and it's driving me mad, we seem to do nothing but argue about it and it's really getting me down.

I'm not the tidiest person in the world and I can certainly deal with some mess but this is beyond a joke. Examples are:

Putting empty milk cartons, egg boxes and sweet wrappers back in the fridge rather than the bin.

Finishing eating and putting her plate down to walk in the kitchen, leaving plate behind.

Changing the babies nappy and leaving it on the bathroom floor / next to her cot.

Putting used sanitary towels on the bathroom radiator and leaving them.

If I tell her to go and clean it she will but unless I ask her to do it (or do it myself) the mess will sit their for days. She will walk past a sink full of dishes and yet it not occur to her to wash them unless I ask her to etc.

I'm at breaking point at the minute and am considering living seperately as I can't cope with the mess and having to act like her parent all the time. Just had yet another row as I've cleaned the kitchen today and just gone in to see a dirty plate has been shoved on the side rather than her taking the extra 3 steps to put it in the sink.

She's a full time stay at home mum by the way so has no work responsibilities etc. and it isn't lack of time why these things are not being done just forgetfulness or preoccupied playing on her phone. I'm a full time student (currently on holidays hence noticing the messiness more) and we are both female if that makes any difference.

Does anyone have any tips on overcoming this or coping with someone who is so messy naturally?

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