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If you never arrange social events for your mates, why not?

(49 Posts)
CeliaFate Tue 29-Jul-14 13:42:36

We have decided not to host a usual annual event this year after getting fed up that the only time we see certain friends is when we initiate contact.

They never contact us to make plans to go out, or to visit them or to go somewhere - nothing. Anytime I contact them, they come to whatever I've asked them to.

SO if you're always being invited out or to do stuff with friends, but never reciprocate, may I ask why not?
It baffles me.

Purpleroxy Tue 29-Jul-14 13:48:07

I don't like hosting. I find it stressful and don't enjoy anything about it. It's intrusive to me. I try to behave considerately when I go to other people's events so I don't create any mess or work for them or demand stuff. People can be very high maintenance!

livelablove Tue 29-Jul-14 13:49:32

Hi Celia I live in a strange unsociable bubble. I hardly ever go out or have anyone round. My dh is not that social he would never agree to a party or anything like that at home, and it is too expensive to hire out a venue. If someone invited me I would try to go to be polite and friendly, as I always think it would be upsetting if you organised something and not many people turned up.

CeliaFate Tue 29-Jul-14 13:55:47

Do you go to friends' houses? Would you ring them to go to the pub, or out for lunch?
I understand if people don't want to host at their house due to lack of space, cost, mess etc. but I'm struggling to see why they can't say "Who's up for a pub lunch this Saturday?" for example.

wubwubwub Tue 29-Jul-14 14:48:04

I know how you feel - I'm the one that organises stuff, and sometimes don't bother for a while. Never get invited out.

Goldenbear Tue 29-Jul-14 14:57:10

I think some people within a group dynamic end up not initiating things because the ideas fall on deaf ears or the dominant characters who do always initiate things try to change the idea in some way. This has been my experience so in the end you go back to the normal group dynamic. I'm always one of those people that does have ideas because I'm conscious of others always doing the work but I've had my ideas altered on every occasion. In the end I've just given up.

GooseyLoosey Tue 29-Jul-14 14:58:47

Because I live in fear that no one would turn up if I hosted it.

blanklook Tue 29-Jul-14 14:59:13

"Who's up for a pub lunch this Saturday?"

That depends on two things, firstly is there anything on the menu I want to eat and secondly how much is it going to cost and third how much effort does it take to get there. Most of my say no responses are generated by paying through the nose for crap I don't want, either junk food or expensive drinks or over an hour's journey. It's okay once in a while but even though I can afford it, I really resent paying a lot of money for stuff I don't really want.

In that case I should definitely host at home, shouldn't I wink apart from we're in the midst of a big refurb so some empty rooms, some with twice the furniture and plaster dust everywhere...

RoganJosh Tue 29-Jul-14 15:02:59

We never instigate things. Which is not to say we don't host. People wil ask us if we are free and we say 'yes, our turn to host though'.

The reason we don't initiate is that we'd like a bit less booked up time. It gets rude saying no all the time.

With daytime children things I don't often initiate as I'm a bit too busy/disorganised to think ahead, but do want to see people.

RAFWife12 Tue 29-Jul-14 15:25:40

Because when I organise something people never turn up!

RoganJosh Tue 29-Jul-14 16:25:19

And what RAFwife said too about people not turning up!

CeliaFate Tue 29-Jul-14 16:32:18

Yes, I know what you mean about the fear of people not turning up for a party, but I don't really mean that. I just mean getting together with your mates.

Dh and I would never see some of our mates if we didn't make all the running. I'm fed up of it.

KatnissEvermean Tue 29-Jul-14 16:36:00

I am quite laid back and don't mind going anywhere at any time, but some of my friends have very busy lives and prefer certain places, so it's probably easier for them to suggest the time and place. I do initiate meeting up with them, but prefer when they do it as I hate being the person to make decisions for everyone!

Mammuzza Tue 29-Jul-14 16:37:01

I go to events organised by others becuase they don't seem to like it when I try and wriggle out of it.

If they all stopped hosting stuff they enjoyed, becuase it was always them doing it, I would be over the moon. Cos then they would stop badgering me into coming.

I am right bear. I like my cave. I do not want to go to other caves and play with the other bears in a group setting.

I like improptu phonecalls, coffees, that sort of stuff. All really low key, off the cuff and non stressful. I will be there like a shot if anybody is at a low ebb or utterly blindsided by life rain, and I'll be by their side all the way back out from the thunderclouds. But I can't stand organised events where I have to be social.

So since I already have to put up with being arm twisted into going to other people's social thingies, I don't think it would help anybody if I threw one of my own. I'd make a right mess of it cos my heart isn't in it and I wouldn't want to be there. Plus the cats would get into the nibbles.

I get it must be annoying when it's always you organising. But it might be cos organised social things are more your bag than any of your mates. Which could be why it never occurs to them to have one of their own. IYSWIM.

On the other hand, maybe they have just got used to you doing the heavey lifting. ain which case stepping back might encourage a couple of them to take more of a driving seat into setting things up.

Notso Tue 29-Jul-14 16:37:14

I never think anyone will want to do anything with me.
DH is shit at organising anything unless it is work related.

Leeds2 Tue 29-Jul-14 16:37:49

I think in many groups of friends, one person falls into the role of organiser so instigates whatever is happening. I have three friends, and one of them always arranges dates for the four of us to go out together. It started because she had lots of littlies, and so tried to organise things when she was free. And it has always been like that!

I see that friend on her own, for lunch of coffee, and we probably initiate things equally. I would never arrange anything for the group of four though.

dogsandboys Tue 29-Jul-14 16:41:06

Because I worry no one will turn up. Or one or two, and it would be a total flop. Also, it would take a lot of effort, stress and I just don't deal well with that sort of thing. Insufficient funds is the main issue I do not host. Food for everyone, nibbles, soon adds up.

Same with eating out with regards to your Sunday Lunch concept. To feed a family of 4/5/6 in a restaurant plus drinks costs a small fortune these days. Getting all the young DC to sit long enough and keep them all entertained. IMO it's just not worth the stress and hassle.

Owllady Tue 29-Jul-14 16:41:39

I don't tend to plan social things in advance as I have a child who is very disabled and it really dos pens on e day, whether I ave slept etc.
And when she is at school it's often the same
I tend to lose fair weather friends quite quickly

WalkWithTheLonelyOnes Tue 29-Jul-14 16:44:18

I don't arrange anything with one group.of friends because it ALWAYS ends up with people doing an activity that I hate.

They do this activity all the time so not doing it for one evening wouldn't kill them.

Mordirig Tue 29-Jul-14 16:46:26

I just don't like people grin but still somehow manage to have in ties to things hmm
I rarely go tbh, I don't do groups of people but I always drop off a bottle or flowers for the consideration.
Anti social but polite.

Clarabell33 Tue 29-Jul-14 16:46:48

Ah, this is me and a particular group of DH's friends blush Definitely not mutual friends. They don't 'always' invite us to stuff, maybe one or two things a year tops, but we have not really reciprocated other than our wedding. This is partly because I don't really get on with them and vice versa, so I wouldn't go out of my way to organise something specifically with this particular group.

The other (main) factor is that DH wouldn't arrange a get-together himself with this group (he does with other groups of friends). The only time I know of that he did try to arrange something with this group, he had one 'maybe' response before the suggested dates, and a couple after, asking how it went and sorry they couldn't make it, even though they'd not bothered to say if they could make it or not. This was after he'd sent a few more texts/emails to chase people up. So I suppose the answer is a) cos I don't really like them so I don't make the effort, and b) cos they mostly didn't bother to reply when DH did make the effort to try to organise something. We do try to go to most things they invite us to though as otherwise DH would never see them.

Feeling very blush

Flushedwithsomething Tue 29-Jul-14 16:50:30

exactly what Mammuzza said. I love low key moments but cannot bear reaching the weekend and thinking "oh, it's the 26th, that means its dinner with so and so". I need my free time to be free. DH and I are fairly self contained though and don't really need friends, although we do care deeply about the handful that we both have. I have a friend who sounds like you and she really struggles to understand us, and we seem to upset her although we never mean too - she just really can't understand the differences in our behaviours.

Merrylegs Tue 29-Jul-14 16:51:26

Perhaps your friends feel you are more capable or able to host more easily? Is your house significantly bigger than your friends for eg? It's easy to be a generous host if you have a large entertaining space or the money to cater for guests.

Deliaskis Tue 29-Jul-14 16:56:13

Hmm...I'm kind of usually an instigator, but I can think of one couple who might not think I am!

We regularly see two couples (together), either for dinner out, or for tea with kids at each others houses, or family Sunday lunches out etc.

Couple 1 have very busy lives and are very military about organising them, and probably have about 2 weekend days between now and Christmas when they could fit us in, so they instigate about 3 months in advance of anything, and probably see themselves as the organisers of everything.

BUT...we see a lot more of couple 2, who we see at couple 1 activities, but also very often on their own with or without kids, in a 'fancy a BBQ this w/e' text invitation or quick call 'we're going to x park for a picnic on Sat' type of thing. Depending on the activity, we would sometimes, but not always include couple 1 as they are never able to do anything at short notice, and if they did, they would want to change the logistics of it to fit in with their other precisely planned activities. We're closer to couple 2 anyway, as you have probably guessed.

So couple 2 probably think I'm an instigator, couple 1 probably don't.

There have been dynamics in the past, with other people, where I have maybe been a bit on the edge of a group (e.g. a new-ish friend or only really know one of a group) where I haven't instigated because I didn't feel comfortable in that role with that group (not fully inducted or something!).

Apart from that, I am an instigator.

Oh my that is a long post saying not very much...

kentishgirl Tue 29-Jul-14 17:25:47

I don't 'host' stuff as I live a good hours drive away from most of my friends now. It's easier for me to drive to them, than for them all to drive to me.

The people I'm getting to know where I live now, not close enough to really do much with. Have met up for a few nights out. Did instigate one of those. Not been round anyone's house yet, doesn't seem to be the 'done thing' so much round here.

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