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a two parter: I'm furious with his parents, and can anyone help please!!!!

(41 Posts)

His parents have dd (2.5) on the one weekday I work. I usually get home at 8:30 and dd goes straight to bed.
Tonight I had to work an hour later so it was 9:30 when I got in. I asked ex-ils to bring dd home and put her to bed.
I get in, and not only is dd still awake, but sat in the garden drinking a pandapop.

So ex-ils get ready to go, and dd brings me a DVD and says she wants to watch it. I say no, its bedtime. Cue the hysterics.

His dad shouted at me about the fact she wasn't tired, she's been good all day, I come home five minutes and she's in tears.

So I shouted back. I told him to fuck off, who does he think he is telling me about my child? He's not the one who will still be up with her at midnight, still trying to get her to bed, and then getting up with her at 5:30 when the sun comes up.

Rather childishly I also put the DVD on when I should have stuck to my guns.

By this point she's lying on the floor asking for her blanket and milk. She tells ex-mil "I bit sleepy nanny" .... Yeah of course she's not tired hmm

So now its almost midnight, dd is still up, screaming bloody murder, throwing things around her bedroom, asking for more milk,more stories, sobbing, red in the face and sweating. I'm exhausted, lying on the bed in the dark, with the chance of getting sleep any time soon looking unlikely.

I'm just so fucking cross that he thinks he knows my child better than me! I know she will do anything she can wrt getting her own way at bedtime, I know how she behaves when she's tired, and I know that once she gets to a certain point its game over and there's no chance of her going to bed without a fight!

They've not done a particularly great job of raising their own kids, so they can fuck off trying to tell me how to raise mine!!!

(I would like to point out they are very good with her, and I generally don't complain about them and get on well with his dad, but they let her dictate to them and she gets away with anything. That's not how I want her to grow up, and its not them who have to deal with the consequences!!!)

How can I get her to calm down? She's a big sweaty, snotty mess and I've run out of ideas to get her to settle.

Anyone want a toddler for the night?!

6031769 Wed 23-Jul-14 00:04:15

i think you're being abit harsh, they do look after your child for you

CalamitouslyWrong Wed 23-Jul-14 00:07:01

Perhaps it would be best to use a childminder. Some will do non-standard hours and a CM won't indulge your DD so much. That way the GPs can simply do the 'spoiling' without being in charge.

Elderflowergranita Wed 23-Jul-14 00:07:55

Sounds like you all need to calm down, maybe? If this is a once-off, then you need to let it go.

They minded her for an extra hour. OK, Ex-FIL was out of order shouting at you, but you didn't exactly cover yourself in glory by telling him to eff off (to put it mildly!).

Do they mind her for free?

Allalonenow Wed 23-Jul-14 00:08:34

Shallow lukewarm bath?
Turn the lighting down low.
Sips of cool water
Quiet music
Quiet story

And for you, tea and chocolate.

Politelydeclining Wed 23-Jul-14 00:08:46

Ok, just l

Would a bath settle her? It could make her feel fresher and calmer, it's a distraction at least.

Politelydeclining Wed 23-Jul-14 00:11:09


Just looking at the current situation. How about a nice bath ( not too warm) keep it calm and quiet with some time playing with bath toys. She'll get clean and the temperature drop when you get out of a bath actually makes you feel sleepy.

Might be worth a go. Nice bath. Clean pjs. Little cuddle?

LuckySaint Wed 23-Jul-14 00:11:15

What about getting in the bath with her? Would that calm her down... Then into bed with milk?

TurboWithAKick Wed 23-Jul-14 00:11:28

Hardly crime of the century ! I think the way you reacted is where itall started to go wrong.... You could have handled this better but I think you let if get this bad because you wanted to make a point

itiswhatitiswhatitis Wed 23-Jul-14 00:11:31

Do you drive? I would plonk her in the car and drive til she falls asleep.

Can see your frustration but they do provide free childcare so try not to be too harsh on them.

LuckySaint Wed 23-Jul-14 00:12:20

X post with everyone.

NellyNellyNelly Wed 23-Jul-14 00:14:13

I would be fuming. If the ILs are not following your routine, rules and boundaries then there is no point as it is just too stressful.

I am more angry about them giving her the pandapop then anything, that stuff is just kiddie-petrol at that time of evening and they should really know better.

Not being ready for bed, well in this heat I think most people adjust bed times but still being awake and demanding at this time of night is a little extreme.

Do you think they let her sleep until late afternoon? I have to say that is what sounds like to me from personal experience.

Politelydeclining Wed 23-Jul-14 00:15:37

Next time stick to your guns. You are at least partly angry at yourself for giving in. You validated her tantrum and their undermining of you.

She's 2 yo and therefore not in charge.

Pils are very kind to help out but not in charge when you are at home.

I get on fairly well with my PIL but did have to politely ask her to stop undermining me a few years ago when she would contradict something I'd just said. She was shocked and hadn't thought of it in that light she just wanted to be 'Disney' Granny.

NellyNellyNelly Wed 23-Jul-14 00:17:02

Sorry, forgot to post what I would do!!

Firstly, is she in her bedroom? Right, in this order.

Run a bath whilst you strip her bed and find some clean pj's.

Let her relax in bath for a bit longer than normal.

Get her dry and then into the clean pjs then straight into freshly made bed.

The triple whammy of warm bath, clean pjs and fresh bedding should send her off pretty sharpish.

No I pay him to have her. More than I can afford, less than a cm would cost for the hours I need. None of the ones in my area will take children after 6 either.

I only swore at him because he swore at me. Yes childish but I'm not accepting anybody shout in my face.

I've tried a bath, but she fought so much I was worried shed hurt herself, coldmilk warm milk, water, 5 stories, the lights are all switched off. She won't let me cuddle her, keeps telling me to go away mommy,but now I've left the room she's just crying for me to go back

Politelydeclining Wed 23-Jul-14 00:17:59

Good luck OP. Tomorrow is another day.

gamerchick Wed 23-Jul-14 00:19:32

Yes give her the cool bath, it'll calm her down.

Maybe it's time to look into other childcare.

LuckySaint Wed 23-Jul-14 00:21:08

Then I'd take her downstairs and stick a dvd or iPlayer/cbeebies on.

Politelydeclining Wed 23-Jul-14 00:21:08

Oh dear. In that case, hard as it might be I'd probably just let her get on with it. I'm not a fan generally of cry it out but after all that she should drop off soon.

If you pay FIL then that's different - a conversation needs to be had re what's acceptable.


Yes I'm also cross with myself for getting angry. I've had a shittier than shit day, and did not need someone yelling in my face that my coming home has ruined my daughters perfect day, so I lost my temper. Doesn't happen very often, but some things just push my buttons

I don't drive unfortunately

LuckySaint Wed 23-Jul-14 00:21:50

Maybe an ice lolly to cool her down too.

slithytove Wed 23-Jul-14 00:27:00

Seriously, don't use them for childcare.

Tonight will pass. But it can happen again if they are given the responsibility.

Is there literally no option for wrap around care from 6pm?

What about changing your shifts? Could you do the same hours across 2 days?

Sorry, I'm sure you have already considered all the options. I just don't see your inlaws as a good option any more.

Shouting at you and swearing at you is terrible, especially in front of dd. Of course you were wrong to respond in kind, but it's understandable. I would wonder what they might say about you when they have her alone.

MATB1 Wed 23-Jul-14 00:28:17

Take her into your bed and just cuddle her tightly?

I would be fuming too - sounds pretty selfish of the GPs to be honest. I'm guessing the arrangment to use them for childcare is so that they can help you. Doesn't sound like much help to me tonight!

It really drives me mad when people say GPs should be allowed to spoil the GCs simply because they 'help' with childcare. Or even I'd they don't in fact. It's selfish and unnecessary and it's often only the GPs who get anything out of it as the end result for the child and the parent is often ft

slithytove Wed 23-Jul-14 00:28:54

As for tonight, cool bath, cool drink, once she is calm, can you take her into your bed with you and tell her you are having a big girl sleepover and mummy's bed is magic and helps people sleep? Do you have a fan or anything you could use to cool the room down?

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