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how do I respond to 8 year old ds leaving me a note saying fuck you shit eater?

(159 Posts)
losenotloose Sun 20-Jul-14 15:49:57

he's being awful in general, but how do I react to this?

Namechangearoonie123 Sun 20-Jul-14 15:50:58

By grounding til he's 18?

Piratejones Sun 20-Jul-14 15:51:13

go into his room and take a bunch of his stuff out, leave him a note telling him what you have done, He can earn it back.

Namechangearoonie123 Sun 20-Jul-14 15:51:55

Taking away all his toys and giving him a list of chores that will keep him busy enough to earn them back.

And by ignoring any secondary behaviour

LOLeater Sun 20-Jul-14 15:52:41

Wow.

hercules1 Sun 20-Jul-14 15:52:56

Need to know more as this seems pretty extreme behaviour for any child.

losenotloose Sun 20-Jul-14 15:52:58

I'm in the bathroom trying to decide what to do. he's angry because he lost his minecraft time, because he was stomping and demanding when I was using my phone.

hercules1 Sun 20-Jul-14 15:53:59

I would never let him play computer games. Sounds like he can't cope.

Earlybird Sun 20-Jul-14 15:54:08

Are you sure the note was intended for you, or did he simply write his frustrations down, and you found it?

Either way, that is quite an extreme vocabulary for an 8 year old. He sounds very angry.

Not sure what i would do in your shoes - hard to say without knowing more about context and your situation.

But whatever is going on, a note like that is certainly not OK.

Morethanalittlebitconfused Sun 20-Jul-14 15:55:08

Toys confiscated and computer time stopped until behaviour improves

BarbaraPalmer Sun 20-Jul-14 15:57:46

does he understand how foul that language is? I can imagine some of the eight year olds in dd1's class knowing that's "naughty", but not appreciating quite the scale of the unpleasantness.

how is he generally?

Earlybird Sun 20-Jul-14 15:58:05

In your shoes, I'd wait a bit to address this. Give yourself and ds some time to cool down. Then you can think more clearly about what to do, and have a conversation with him about his behaviour and your decision.

If you deal with it now, things could escalate further. In the meantime, send him to his room.

LeBearPolar Sun 20-Jul-14 15:58:10

Computer time stopped completely for a significant period of time. That's pretty extreme language from an 8 year old, not to mention the complete lack of respect.

losenotloose Sun 20-Jul-14 15:58:26

I was in the bath with my phone, told him he had to wait til I was finished before he could use it. he started stomping and complaining so I told him he couldn't play. the note was definitely for me.

I want to cry, he's so demanding, he can't stand not getting his own way and is very self centred. I've just sent him upstairs and told him no game for a week.

LeBearPolar Sun 20-Jul-14 16:00:59

DS would have known how foul the language was at that age. Some words he has used 'experimentally', to see our reaction, because he's heard them in the playground and is not quite sure what they mean/where they come on the scale of sweariness - e.g. 'screwed up' but he knows which words are absolutely not allowed and has done for a long time. Can't believe there's an 8 year old who doesn't, tbh.

losenotloose Sun 20-Jul-14 16:01:28

he knows it's wrong. when he saw I'd read the note he went "ha ha" as if he'd just got one over on me, so probably doesn't realise how nasty it was.

he doesn't swear normally. he's being very difficult at the moment, but I would say he's generally hard work. no problems at school or with friends. I'm sad sad

gamerchick Sun 20-Jul-14 16:02:57

Make him write the same sentence out X amount of times at a table with you sitting across from him just looking at him.

See how many he can do.

DayLillie Sun 20-Jul-14 16:05:21

a. tell him this behaviour is bad and no way good enough.

b. tell him you are going to help him to improve his behaviour by setting up a reward system and do it. Include lots of things that are easy for him to achieve and things that he does already, as well as some new things.

c. tell him that he can have his toys/computer time returned when he gets enough rewards (computer and mine craft last, if that is what is causing the biggest problems)

d. Whilst this is in progress, have regular chats to see if you can get to the bottom of what is causing his recent bad behaviour. With boys, it is supposed to be better to chat whist doing something, eg clearing the table, so you can help him along with his good behaviour rewards at the same time.

If you have other dc, it is probably worth setting up a reward system that they are included in, so that you can improve general household behaviour at the same time - always worth a go.

dobedobedo Sun 20-Jul-14 16:05:49

A week isn't long enough, if my ds did this it would be something he'd only get punished for once! Don't let him play games at all during the week, ever. Only on weekends. And ban him for the next two.
Also make him do extra chore/s today and give him a right bollocking.

Feel free to ignore me smile My ds behaviour is worse when he plays bloody bastard minecraft and this is what I do. He's forever banned grin

Moreisnnogedag Sun 20-Jul-14 16:10:06

Wow that's pretty extreme. It's hard because I'd really want to lose my rag over that but I'm not sure that's the right thing.

In an ideal world, I'd want to sit him down and ask him why he wrote it. Did he want to make you sad? What did he think was going to happen once you'd read it? I would try really hard not to be angry, just sad (I think children find it harder to respond to sadness rather than anger, they are less defensive). I would tell him that because he decided to write that for you to read, he now wasn't allowed to play mine craft for x amount of time. When he felt ready to apologise, we could talk about when he can start playing again, but that there would now be a time limit with longer periods earnt by doing x, y and z.

losenotloose Sun 20-Jul-14 16:10:37

I know it probably shows weakness, but I'm sitting here crying. am I a crap parent to get this behavior? I just feel helpless. dh is very supportive but now it's the holidays I'm with them on my own, and so much of the day is about dealing with bad behavior.

cafesociety Sun 20-Jul-14 16:11:11

He's just tried another [downright disrespectful and nasty] way of trying to get his own way. Then he laughs when you read his note, thinking he's been clever....worrying.

This has to be tackled straightaway [today] so he absolutely does not get his own way, and he learns there are consequences to his actions/manipulations. So enforce what consequences you choose, don't back down. Put rules and boundaries firmly in place [no bad language in the home, verbal or written may be one of them].

He sounds like a strong personality, and you have to match with robust parenting, consistently. Maybe also have a talk with him to find out why he got so angry and if anything else is going on for him.

Moreisnnogedag Sun 20-Jul-14 16:12:40

Oh it doesn't reflect on you. Both me and my dsis in various ways gave my poor parents hell and it was just being a teenager.

ImperialBlether Sun 20-Jul-14 16:19:40

The boy is 8, not a teenager!

EvansOvalPiesYumYum Sun 20-Jul-14 16:20:27

I found a note from my daughter once, when she was around 11-12ish she'd called me a stupid f***ing cow (among other things) I was initially upset, but thinking about it a little bit more, it is actually quite therapeutic to write things down on a piece of paper.

I did tell her I'd found it, and said it was a good thing that she'd written it down, because it helps to get your feelings out and understood totally that she was annoyed, but that in future, she should hide her notes a bit better, just so I wouldn't find them and be upset.

She found this very acceptable.

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