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To the woman hoiking up her extra-shiny judgy pants at me yesterday...

(67 Posts)
emeraldgirl1 Fri 18-Jul-14 10:09:47

by rolling her eyes and audibly tutting as DD screamed her way along the high street...

I WAS TRYING MY BLOODY BEST!!!!

It wasn't as if I was gaily chatting away on my mobile while DD disturbed everyone else's lovely shopping afternoon, I was doing everything I could to calm her down but she is 16 months old and not yet at the age where reason or even bribery works. If I had had chocolate buttons on me, I would have proffered them but I guarantee that they would have been shoved aside and kicked off even more hysterics... it was one of THOSE meltdowns.

And no, judgy pant lady, she wasn't screaming because she was being naughty and wanting something she couldn't have.

And you made me feel even worse about it sad

Slightly dreading going out at all now as this is the third one of these DD has done in a week... I'm not exaggerating or trying to be deliberately shocking when I say that the only thing I can liken her screams to is the sort of screams you might hear if someone came upon their entire family slaughtered in a ritual bloodbath. It's terrible. Everyone else I know with a 16 mo who has 'tantrums' it's a few little tears and a short cry. DD kept this one up for half an hour.

I did keep apologising to passers-by. I would have apologised to you too, judgy-pant lady, if you hadn't been pulling faces at me.

But thanks to the very nice lady with the pet cats coming out of the pet shop who tried to help me distract DD by showing her the cats... it calmed her down nicely for 3 seconds until the cats had to go on their way which kicked off a fresh round of hysterics.

I really was doing my best and wish people could have a tiny bit more understanding.

Been there with dd 1 and back there again with dd 2 so no judgey pants here, just a big cake and even larger wine

People that do the dirty look and tutting thing either haven't had kids or don't remember the reality of young children. My mum says some days you just need to congratulate yourself to getting to bedtime with everyone cleanish and fed, and be proud of yourself for not offering the tantrumming child to the first taker !

Staywithme Fri 18-Jul-14 10:23:03

Ah don't worry about it love. My oldest cried in front of the OT when he realised he would have to move out of his bedroom as we needed a lift put in. He's 23 years old FFS! But that's a whole other thread. hmm

Trooperslane Fri 18-Jul-14 10:23:16

Silly cow.

(�� her not you obv)thankswinewinewine for you.

PeterParkerSays Fri 18-Jul-14 10:24:23

Bollocks to that, you don't have to apologise to anyone. If it makes coping any easier, imagine yourself and DD in a glass bubble with everyone else outside. This is you distracting / coping with her behaviour.

If you see anyone obviously tutting try "here you are then love, you have a turn" and see how fast they scuttle off.

emeraldgirl1 Fri 18-Jul-14 10:25:02

Thanks BakingWithToddler (love your username...)

I can only assume she hadn't had kids or had forgotten what it's like, or maybe had the sort of children who NEVER threw a meltdown in public.

I think I need to toughen up a bit though as I think we're in for a good few more of these yet... DH hasn't seen one yet (he's only seen the dreadful meltdowns as opposed to the new, nuclear ones) but he's in for a shock. They're the sort of thing that leave you almost in tears yourself and craving alcohol at 3 in the afternoon...

emeraldgirl1 Fri 18-Jul-14 10:26:11

PeterParker grin

Thank you Troopers (need that wine)

Staywithme - that IS intriguing...

aturtlenamedmack Fri 18-Jul-14 10:26:53

For every person who was being judgy, there were 10 who were either thinking 'poor you, been there' or that you were coping well. Another 10 who didn't notice.
She's an idiot and probably doesn't have kids. Karma will get her if she ever does!
Try not to worry, the tantrums stage will pass.
It's a difficult age because they know what they want and are on the brink of being able to fully communicate it to you. They get frustrated. My ds was just the same.

WannabeMrsJoshHomme Fri 18-Jul-14 10:28:07

been there! DD was an absolute monster for public meltdowns that lasted for aaages. I got dirty looks but mainly sympathy. some people just haven't got a clue cake

You need to stop apologising and grow a thicker skin.
There are judgmental busybodies who are ready to judge parents about everything, you simply can't give them headspace or it will drive you mad.

When tantrums happen, ignore your DD (so long as she is safe), ignore the funny looks and wait for it to pass. Detach yourself mentally as far as possible, mentally rearrange the contents of your freezer of something. Once your DD starts to calm down, talk to her and reassure her, give her a hug if she needs one. Then forget about it and move on.

Idontseeanyicegiants Fri 18-Jul-14 10:29:34

Ah balls to her!! Dd1 used to have snot flinging red faced tantrums at that age, I learnt to move her to one side of the pavement and let her get on with it, most of the looks I got were of sympathy.
wine For you, it is embarrassing but you become hardened to it after a while.

fuzzpig Fri 18-Jul-14 10:33:05

My DD was like that too. Compared to DS who was actually very quick to get over tantrums.

I remember feeling the eyes of the world on me (so it felt) when I had to carry DD kicking and screaming under my arm (like you'd carry a plank of wood) out of mothercare. FUN TIMES.

Hugs. It does pass. And the woman judging you was a twat.

emeraldgirl1 Fri 18-Jul-14 10:33:16

Thank you everyone. Much, much appreciated. Feeling a bit battered after a week of it, it's not only been the nuclear public meltdowns but many, many smaller ones at home. She's overtired a lot as the heat is disturbing her sleep and she's ready to drop her morning nap but still gets too tired with just the one nap... and frustrated too as she's trying to talk and can't...

I do need to toughen up and remind myself that she is wonderful (mostly) because these days can feel very long indeed

Denizen Fri 18-Jul-14 10:33:18

Best not look at people's faces when your child is screaming, or any other time for that matter if you're sensitive.
Why should you care what a strange woman thinks about you? Anyway its impossible to tell what people are thinking from their expressions, I sometimes catch sight of myself in shop window reflections and am startled at how angry I look when I'm feeling quite chilled. It's just the way my face falls.
Would hate to think I'd unintentionally upset someone.

hiccupgirl Fri 18-Jul-14 10:38:13

Mine was a mega tantrum thrower up to about a year ago - he started at about 13 months and kept going for 2.5 years so you have all my sympathy. All my friends had lovely laid back toddlers who might have a little cry and scream now and again but nothing like the screaming and 45 min+ humdingers my darling could throw.

Ignore the judgy pants woman. I did ask a couple of people when DS was at his worse and they were tutting, if they had a better idea how to stop it as nothing I could do was helping. Strangely they looked away quickly and stopped tutting. But there were also lots of lovely people who tried to help even though nothing actually made any difference at the time.

Meglet Fri 18-Jul-14 10:49:02

I got dead snooty with a cashier who was passing judgement on another customers screaming child. He didn't realise the smart lady off to work was going to stick up for the harrassed young mum with hollering kids in tow.

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv Fri 18-Jul-14 10:50:44

If you had chocolate buttons she would of probably tutted at those too.

flippetygibbet Fri 18-Jul-14 10:50:59

Its horrid in the heat at that age...we had a really hot summer the year ds turned 2 and tepid baths became my salvation....before naps/after naps whenever grin seemed to cool down his system or sometimes even a footbath/splash frenzy standing in a washing up bowl or sitting playing in water - got a beach pop up for the garden as we had no shade .
...but in the main was inside after 10/11ish then would go out for walk about 5/6/7 completely changed his routine but otherwise just got too grumpy/screamy

just did stuff early/late and transported my self to Spain or Italy in my head! ignore tutty others

whattheseithakasmean Fri 18-Jul-14 10:56:53

I've been there - surely we all have at some point.

As another poster said, most people will have been silently sympathetic & supportive of you. When I hear toddler tantrums, I just feel so glad that stage is firmly behind us and only sympathy & empathy for the poor parent.

WallyBantersJunkBox Fri 18-Jul-14 11:03:46

I was going to say that flippety.

Who knows why a child screams when they can't communicate?

In the heat it could be anything from discomfort to a headache with dehydration. Or it could be the fact that you went too fast past a shop with a toy display or a balloon. But of course they can't tell you.

We used to rely on the tepid bath or paddling pool a lot in the heat. I found tantrums would carry over too. You thought the morning one was over, then you get to the car and it starts again.

So on those days if I could, I would try and stay in an environment where I could stay calm. Not always possible though, and not helped by judgey gits.

PintOfWine Fri 18-Jul-14 11:04:50

I stare... but in that sort of...oh god, I could be next way. And sympathize with you on the inside.

Sootgremlin Fri 18-Jul-14 11:19:21

I've been in the same situation as you and had a lady say 'don't worry love we've all been there' so it is really the luck of the draw!

In the last few weeks I've happened to overhear comments about other parents' children too, made out of their earshot.

One woman chuckled to her husband and said 'I don't miss those days!' In a sympathetic manner.

Another was on a beach, a small child was screaming whilst being dressed at the end of a long day and the group next to me were muttering about the parents letting him get away with it, when the proper course of action was a smack and a 'I'll give you something to cry about'. Horrible.

I think the lessons here are that children are children and will have phases like this as part of their development, and some people are pleasant and others are miserable bastards.

Idontseeanyicegiants Fri 18-Jul-14 11:21:15

I've looked at toddlers screaming at times and thought 'I would do too if I could get away with it' smile

Been there done that !
Obviously her children were/are just sooooo perfect and have never done anything bad, or had a tantrum EVER hmm.
You know we can't win - if you'd yelled or disciplined her, you would've had tutt-tutting from other people.
Personally I just ignore tantrummers - cos I know next time it'll be one of mine ! have flowers and several wine

I always think "Been There Done That" when I see a toddler having a Toddler Moment .

I was in town and I saw a woman with two young DC , one wanted to go on the coin-op ride, he was having none of it when she told him "No".

It was a noisy outcome but she got him off.
As I walked past, I said "You had to win that one y'know" and a sympathetic virtual back-pat.
She smiled back in relief. We're not all judgey tut merchants.

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