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DSD and DD and room sharing

(34 Posts)
MyFavouriteWordIsDazzle Wed 09-Jul-14 17:08:53

When DP's ex left him, their 2 bed place was in negative equity, so she signed her half of the house to him and got a new place.

When I met DP I moved into his house. It's been DSD's home all her life (6 yrs) and she has a bedroom here (50:50), stuffed with all her toys and books, etc. Her room at her mum's is the same.

We've just had DD (6 months) and are starting to think about moving her out of our room and into share with her sister. In preparation I've managed to reclaim a corner of DSD's room where I've put up a couple of shelves and made enough space for her cot.

The thing is, DSD is very much my room this and my room that. If DD touches any of DSD's toys they get snatched back with a that's mine, you can't have it. It's made even harder by the fact that DD has a lot of DSD's hand me downs, so not very much has ever been exclusively hers IYSWIM? It was DSD's first so the that's my toy trump card is invoked often.

I bought DD a special small toy recently. DSD took a shine to it and started playing with it with DD. Which was really nice to see; them both sharing a game with this toy.

Then it disappeared. I couldn't find it anywhere. Not that DD noticed it missing but I was a bit upset because it was one if the few toys that I'd bought her.

Anyway, found out this morning that DSD took it and his it because she wanted it for herself. DP hasn't really said anything and I just said that it was a bit naughty because she shouldn't steal and must share/respect people's things, etc.

But privately I feel really pissed off. I'm not sure what the best way to nip this in the bud is. It'll be a couple of years before we can afford to move anywhere larger and I don't want DD feeling like DSD doesn't want her around in 'her' bedroom.

MrsWombat Wed 09-Jul-14 17:13:24

Can you swap bedrooms with them so they both start fresh in a new room that is both theirs?

MyFavouriteWordIsDazzle Wed 09-Jul-14 17:15:15

Good idea Wombat except ours has the en suite and I'm not bloody giving that up!

ajandjjmum Wed 09-Jul-14 17:16:31

Does sound a difficult situation all round - Mrs Wombat has a good idea if it would work?

Morethanalittlebitconfused Wed 09-Jul-14 17:16:52

Id personally be dealing with DSD's princess attitude. She's under your roof so you're her parent and she lives by your rules and doesn't bully a baby.

Take control of the situation and tell her off

ajandjjmum Wed 09-Jul-14 17:17:14

Aaahhhh - cross post. Don't blame you really, although if it's for the short term?

MyFavouriteWordIsDazzle Wed 09-Jul-14 17:21:59

*Id personally be dealing with DSD's princess attitude. She's under your roof so you're her parent and she lives by your rules and doesn't bully a baby.

Take control of the situation and tell her off*

The thing is I find myself holding back because I don't want to look like I'm favouring my DD. I try really hard not to be different with DD, even though underneath I feel massively over protective of her and my heart breaks every time I see her little face in bewilderment when another toy gets snatched away.

Maybe I go too far the other way sometimes and am permissive with DSD when I should be sterner.

MyFavouriteWordIsDazzle Wed 09-Jul-14 17:23:34

ajand it'll be years rather than months til we get a bigger place. And it's also just occurred to me that our room has all the wardrobe space too. So swapping def not an option.

Morethanalittlebitconfused Wed 09-Jul-14 17:24:26

You're not favouring her your dealing with DSD's spoiled behaviour

Floralnomad Wed 09-Jul-14 17:27:32

I would go the whole hog next time she's over ,get her dad to tell her that the room is being redecorated so she can share it with her sister ,let her help tidy her stuff away ,choose paint and then make it a proper shared space not your dd being squished in the corner of her sisters bedroom.

How about changing DSDs bed to a cabin one? Somewhere she can put all of her stuff, maybe updating the room so that it starts afresh.

Try to imagine you had two biological children, a 6yo and a 6mo. It would still be hard for the 6yo to give up some of their space to the baby, and quite normal for them to struggle with the baby touching their things.

I would be trying to gently encourage the 6yo to share with the baby without immediately forcing them to, I would reinforcing to the 6yo that the 6mo loves them without demanding the 6yo loves them back, I would be ensuring the 6yo had enough attention and remember that the 6mo is too little to really care about her sister using her toys.

It's quite a difficult age difference to have a shared room without all the blended family dynamics.

Morethanalittlebitconfused Wed 09-Jul-14 17:31:22

Sit her down and have a frank discussion. That her sister is here to stay whether she likes it or not and that she will be sharing her room with her.

Perhaps seperate the toys out with her help so she doesn't see that you're respecting her space and her toys (by not giving them all to her sister) and that she's allowed her own possessions. Perhaps buys some cheap wooden toy boxes - one each - paint their names on them and use it for their 'special' toys.

With that also buy your DD some toys of her own that are hers.

atticusclaw Wed 09-Jul-14 17:36:58

As the parent of a (just) seven year old I think six is too old for this type of behaviour without you and your DH having words with her. I agree you'd probably be having this anyway even is she was your biological daughter but she is old enough to understand that she has to share.

I'd swap rooms for a short period of time (just a month or two to break the "my room" thing) and then swap back into a redecorated room with clearly defined area for each of them.

TheLeftovermonster Wed 09-Jul-14 17:53:31

Can the 6 month old DD stay in your bedroom for longer? Her sister feels resentful, which is normal.

Bluebelljumpsoverthemoon Wed 09-Jul-14 18:13:59

I think it's very unfair to dump a six month old in with a six month old. What if she wakes her up during the night while teething or becomes regularly disruptive? Your stepdaughter has experienced enough disruption in her life and naturally she would like to keep her own space, it's somewhere she can control and it's hers.

She was living in that house before you came along, you move in, have a baby to take attention away from her and now you're trying to take her space for your kid. Poor child.

Bluebelljumpsoverthemoon Wed 09-Jul-14 18:15:11

Meant six month old in with a six year old.

TheHouseatWhoCorner Wed 09-Jul-14 18:18:20

Well what else would you suggest bluebell?

MyFavouriteWordIsDazzle Wed 09-Jul-14 18:33:44

It's DD's house too bluebell.

Should I not have had her until we had a third bedroom?

Bluebelljumpsoverthemoon Wed 09-Jul-14 18:43:14

You should keep her in your room until she's old enough not to disturb your stepdaughters sleep, you chose to have her in a two bedroom house, you have to deal with that but not at your stepdaughters expense.

MILLYmo0se Wed 09-Jul-14 18:47:52

Well I wouldn't be making things more difficult by giving DD DSDs toys to play with - are you talking about actual baby stuff like rattles etc or do you mean cuddly toys that DSD has kept ?
It's a very difficult situation for everyone but they will have to share a room, there no way around that if they can't have what is now your room. Getting DSD a new cabin bed and wall stickers to decorate her half off the room may ease the transition a little

iamdivergent Wed 09-Jul-14 18:51:29

seriously bluebell hmm my dds are biologically full sisters and have shared a room since dd2 was 4mths, dd1 was 4. 2 bed house, no way could we have afforded to move. so of course they share! on the same thread my sister is only my half sister we shared a room from when she was born, I was 5 until I moved out at 18.

op as above I'd go for the redecoration route letting step daughter choose some bits and pieces, maybe get her to choose her sister some bits too? help her feel involved but be stern - it is happening etc. good luck!

TheIronGnome Wed 09-Jul-14 18:51:36

I agree with redecorating the room and rearranging it afresh so that it's a shared room from the outset rather than your 6mo squishing in a corner of dds bedroom.

NatashaBee Wed 09-Jul-14 19:02:06

I know it's very unhelpful, as I can't really suggest a solution, but a 6 year old in with a baby isn't ideal, in terms of the 6 year old having her own space and undisturbed sleep. Can you divide the room in some way - bookcases down the middle or something? How far off is your potential move, can you sell it to your DSD by promising her the pick of the bedrooms in a new house or something?

Bluebelljumpsoverthemoon Wed 09-Jul-14 19:23:55

There's no excuse for putting a six year old in a situation where their sleep is disturbed, babies are the responsibility of the parents and they're the only ones who should be waking with them during the night. Children need a full uninterrupted nights sleep for their brains to develop properly, if adults choose more children than they have bedrooms then they need to keep the baby in with them until it's old enough to not cause any night time disruption.

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