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i could really do with somebody to talk to - Dp was arrested *Triggers*

(84 Posts)
Thiscantbetrue Mon 07-Jul-14 12:09:04

Oldie re-registered not been on Mumsnet for over a year but I really need advice .

I have been stewing over this since it happened and I just don't know what to think .

Dp was leaving for work last Thursday & as he opened the front door their were two police officers their who arrested him .
He was arrested for historical rape from 15 years ago so he would of been 15yo .
Dp told me that a boy that he used to babysit for had made the allegations the boy would of been 10 at the time .
Dp spent all day at the police station and has been bailed until November pending further enquiries .

Dp swears he hasn't done anything of the sort & I know I should take his word for it but I just have this little voice in my head saying 'what if' .

It took him two days to tell me it was a boy that was making the allegations and not a girl .
But why would anybody cry wolf after 15 years ?

I don't know what to do my heads all over the place as is Dp's but I just keep saying that if he didn't do anything then he has no need to worry , am I right ?

BreadForBrains Mon 07-Jul-14 12:17:48

The honest answer to this for me is 'i don't know' but I didn't want to leave you with no answers. What was your DPs instant reaction? Were you there when the police turned up?

Same here. You poor thing. I just don't know what I'd do in your position. But none of this is your fault no matter what. Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to?

This sounds awful for you OP.

Do you have any gut instinct whatsoever that makes you disbelieve anything your partner is saying?

If it is an untrue allegation that is really awful. sad What is your DPs reaction to it all?

footballagain Mon 07-Jul-14 12:23:08

Oh Christ, what an awful nightmare. I'm another with no real 'advice' but I did want to acknowledge your post.

I think what I would have to do is trust in the justice system and innocent until proven guilty. But I appreciate November must feel like a bloody world away right now. I'm so sorry.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling Mon 07-Jul-14 12:23:08

I know I should take his word for it

No- there is no should. You trust what you feel. I know that must seem impossible right now as you will be very conflicted between your loyalty and desire to beleive dP and your desire to admit it could be true. Trust your instincts.

So sorry you are going through this. Please know there is no 'should' when it comes to the way you feel about this.

Branleuse Mon 07-Jul-14 12:23:57

sad

im sorry OP.

what a thing to deal with

holds hand

UptheAnty Mon 07-Jul-14 12:25:42

Now that this has happened, are there any red flags from the past that you think you could have missed ?

Sending you love flowers

Thiscantbetrue Mon 07-Jul-14 12:35:16

I cant think of any red flags tbh but then again my head is all over the place at the moment .

I weren't their when he was arrested , I didn't find out until early evening as with the phone call he got when he got to the station he rang his mum confused

STOPwiththehahaheheloling Mon 07-Jul-14 12:39:11

How long have you been with him? Any dcs? Do you live together?

dancestomyowntune Mon 07-Jul-14 12:39:38

Hello op. I hope you are coping ok.

I have a friend, a good friend, who did some things in his teenage years which he is not proud of. He was prosecuted, removed from his family, punished and rehabilitated. It was after all of this that I met him and became friends with him.

I had known him for about four years when he was 're-arrested, and subsequently charged, with similar offences against the same girl. I knew this man very well. I knew he wasn't stupid enough to have done what he was being accused of as I knew how his past tortured him.

The girl (who was the same girl) felt he had not suffered enough or been punished enough first time around and it went all the way to court. He was found innocent, and I truly believe he was innocent the second time, but it near destroyed him and resulted in his parents marriage disintegrating.

My advice would be to trust your own instincts. My friend confided in me. He admitted his past mistakes and told me categorically that he had not repeated them and never would. I chose to believe him because I knew him so well, and he was honest with me. I held him as he cried, I saw his raw emotions.

I am here if you need to talk.

pointythings Mon 07-Jul-14 12:50:11

But why would anybody cry wolf after 15 years ?

I have no idea, but people do. Someone did it to my best friend's DH and got a friend to lie for her. He went to jail.

The case is now under review as investigations are showing the allegations to have been false, but the damage is done. I wish I could say not to worry and justice will be done, but it might not be. sad

Best of luck to you and your DP, OP.

UptheAnty Mon 07-Jul-14 13:11:25

I think before anyone roots for anyone apparat from the op more information is definitely needed.

The info you have received op, is it all from your dp?

He called his mother from jail, does she know the exact nature of the charges? Does she know the person pressing charges or any other details?

If you have dc in the house you should contact ss as they will be in line to visit you.

Where is your dp now?

UptheAnty Mon 07-Jul-14 13:12:26

*other than the op

IdealistAndProudOfIt Mon 07-Jul-14 13:30:03

Without wanting to cast aspersions, people do report historical rape and abuse. When they summon up the courage to do it and seek closure, among other reasons. Have a look at this thread if you do want to see why www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2122741-If-you-were-raped-or-experienced-a-sexual-assault-what-stopped-you-reporting-it?pg=15 , or think of the jimmy saville / rolf harris / any other celeb reports.

After 15 years evidence either way will be scanty so it 's an odd one.

Thiscantbetrue Mon 07-Jul-14 13:33:18

Been together just over 3 years we have no Dc though I have one Ds5yo , due to his work commitments he lives away dure in the week .

Everything I have been told was from him , his mum knows why he was arrested .
The family the boy is from were family friends but they lost contact about 14 years ago from what I can gather .

Dp is at work atm

doorbellringer Mon 07-Jul-14 13:40:49

Not suggesting anything: but 15 years ago they were so close friends he babysat. 1 year later the friendship completely ended? Why, did they move away, was there a falling out? Might shed some light?

UptheAnty Mon 07-Jul-14 13:41:08

Have you discussed it with his mother?

What is her opinion?

Is it possible for you to find out independently the details of what exactly dp is being charged with?

Other mumsnetters...can op go to the station herself, as its a child protection issue can she (assuming you're female) request info?

3 years isn't very long op sad
Do you k ow his family & friends well?

doorbellringer Mon 07-Jul-14 13:46:29

*such

SteveBrucesNose Mon 07-Jul-14 13:51:35

Huge hugs and support OP

If you want some support off board then I have some very recent experience in this type of matter, not with DH but with a family member. It's been one hell of a shitty year.

IdealistAndProudOfIt Mon 07-Jul-14 13:51:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nomdemere Mon 07-Jul-14 13:52:55

Very tough situation, OP, and even tougher because you have a DS to think about. Do you think that may be why your DP took 2 days to tell you the allegation is about a boy, rather than a girl?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Mon 07-Jul-14 13:56:52

How awful for you OP sad.

We all know that people do report historic incidents of sexual abuse (RH et al.) - but whether people cry wolf 15 years later I really don't know. I suppose Bill Roache, Michael Le Vell etc. would say that they do.

I'm sorry but, if this were me, as much as I would want to believe my DP - it would also cast a shadow of doubt over the safety of my own DS with him. As a previous poster has said, would you be entitled to any information from the Police - as your partner is accused of raping a young boy & you have a young boy?

NatashaBee Mon 07-Jul-14 13:58:25

Not suggesting anything: but 15 years ago they were so close friends he babysat. 1 year later the friendship completely ended? Why, did they move away, was there a falling out? Might shed some light?

Good point.

SnakeyMcBadass Mon 07-Jul-14 14:04:11

Sorry you're in this position OP. It must be awful for you. Take some time to think things through. Do people make malicious allegations? Yes. But far fewer than the genuine victims. What would this young man gain by making this up? I think that would give me serious pause.

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