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After some advice re: "friends"

(17 Posts)
RinkyTinkTen Fri 27-Jun-14 09:36:08

So, this is a bit awkward really. I feel quite sad about it, not only for me, but for DD too and could really do with some advice. sad

I was part of a small antenatal group when I was pregnant, there were 5 couples, we all lived locally. 1 couple then moved away after their baby was born so there were 4 left.

We got on pretty well and would meet up pretty regularly, tea, cake, that sort of thing. All pretty amicable and friendly.

1 of the girls then gave birth again at the beginning of this year, unfortunately at the time, a close friend of mine died and although she had cancer, it was unexpected. The next day, my godfather died of acute leukemia. He lived abroad. I was pretty distraught and had a lot to deal with especially as my godmother had been diagnosed with breast cancer again (she'd had a mastectomy on her other breast many years ago).

This resulted in me not being very sociable, I had to fly out to see my godmother & attend the funeral of both my friend and my godfather. I didn't see much at all of the other girls and embarrassingly didn't give a present for the baby until March, which I felt pretty awful about but just had so much to deal with.

As a result, I feel that I have been increasingly frozen out and I know that we (as in DD & I) haven't been invited over and I've only bumped in to them locally and seen them at a swimming class we all attend. I invited them over on 2 separate occasions so all of them have been over with their children, this was about 2 months ago (I made a cake & everything!). Since then we've been on holiday and away a few weekends, but having bumped into one or to of them they keep making noises about 'us all meeting up soon' but nothing materialises. I've stopped going to swimming classes this term because I can't bear the falseness of it all and being friendly and pretending that it's all ok when it so blatantly isn't.

Yesterday I saw one as I drove home and stopped to say hello. To say it was awkward is an epic understatement. I'm pretty sure she was on her way to one of the other girls houses and felt awkward that she'd bumped into me.

Of course I know that it's ok for them to meet up without me, I would say I'm a pretty relaxed person and understand that people have lives and social engagements that I'm not invited to. I have a busy life myself and have a wonderful hobby, so between my horse and DD I am busy and happy in the rest of my life. I guess it's just that I feel so sad for DD. She's a lovely girl and only little (just under 2) and I feel that it's so unfair for her to be excluded because of me.

I'm just not sure what to do. I have spoken to a couple of my friends about it and most of them just think they're being cliquey & rude and I should just ignore them and carry on regardless. I'd really like to do this, but I'm so stumped at what the issue is I can't seem to move on.

Should I send a message saying something or just accept that things are the way they are & move on? Before DD I would have said something but I don't want to make things worse for either her or me.

Any advice or should I just move on?

Rhine Fri 27-Jun-14 09:41:03

I would just move on personally. These people don't sound like real friends, real friends would understand that you have gone through a bad time and haven't been as available as usual. They do say that it's during the tough times that you find out who your real friends are.

Ditch them, you deserve better.

desertmum Fri 27-Jun-14 09:47:26

Do they know you lost two people close to you ? And have they ever suffered such a loss ? If no to the latter, they may just not get how horrendous this has been for you. While losing loved ones knocks you sideways those on the outside often don't realise how devastating it is and how time consuming it is dealing with it. I remember a friend of mine losing her mother and I was 'oh I'm so sorry' and then didn't think about it much (I know, crap friend) and then when I lost my own mother I realised just how much of a crap friend I had been - I just simply didn't get it until then.

Might be worth a note to them saying sorry not been about, been awful few months, but feeling better would love to get together soon - and suggest a couple of dates - if they respond well good, if not, then you know to move on.

Sorry you've been through this

GoEasyPudding Fri 27-Jun-14 09:50:57

If a 2 month gap without being asked back is not the norm in this friend group then yup, dump them in your mind and if you see them around just say Hi.

It sucks though, but hey, you don't need to be friends with people who seem to be freezing you out.

GoEasyPudding Fri 27-Jun-14 09:52:48

Actually I like what desertmum has said better than what I have said. Give it a another shot.

RinkyTinkTen Fri 27-Jun-14 10:08:44

Yes, they did know, I'd seen them at swimming a few weeks later and told them then. I apologised for not being around much but things had been hard.

I don't know if any of them have been through anything similar though I know one of the girls had a friend who'd been killed by a car before I knew her.

I think what annoys me is all this pretending that everything is ok. I lost a lot of weight this year - through bring upset and also being on a diet so I can ride my horse. One day at swimming they all left without saying goodbye and the next week I said aiming along the lines of 'didn't realise you'd all left last week & I ended up talking to myself! <jokey>' and one of them said 'oh! It's because you're so skinny now we didn't see you!' That pissed me right off because I'm not (and wasn't at that point) 'skinny' and I felt it was just a lame way of justifying themselves.

I know I am coming across as needy, but I'm genuinely not, it's just because I only have 1 other friend who has a baby (though I've recently met another) as all my other friends didn't have any babies (a couple are pregnant now which is great!). I just think it's so bloody rude.

It'll be interesting to see if DD gets an invite to the first child's 2nd birthday. If not I'll admit that this is something I'll have to let go on hmm

As they know what's been happening in your life and have been spectacularly unsupportive I would say arseholes to the lot of them and move on. They are not friends. You can frankly do a lot, lot better.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 27-Jun-14 10:23:10

Sorry to hear what a horrendous start to the year you had. Best advice, move on, they're cosy and you'll forever feel like a 5th wheel.

ThePowerOfMe Fri 27-Jun-14 10:25:18

Did they know at the time though or did you just drop off their radar?
The only thing I can think of is that they may have felt put out if it felt like you'd dropped them and just want to come back now it suits you (I'm not saying that's how it is, but it might be how they feel)

I think I would leave it now. You've tried and they don't seem like they want to rekindle the friendship. Just keep it polite and friendly whenever you do bump into them and see how it goes.

RinkyTinkTen Fri 27-Jun-14 10:36:38

Not at the actual time ThePower, but a couple of weeks afterwards.

I'm so cross with myself as it's so petty and pathetic. I'm a 'path of least resistance' type off person and happy to go along with most stuff. Maybe I'm just not their type of person?

I'm so pissed off about it.

gospaniel Fri 27-Jun-14 10:36:43

I know how important this seems when you have your first child but I think sometimes ante natal/nct friendship don't stand the test of time because they are not necessarily people you'd be friends with otherwise.

Sometimes you really click and as you're finding you don't. They seem to have established a friendship group without you and that feels hurtful.

I would say in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. You'll meet other mums at pre school, primary school and some you will get on with on a superficial level and others you'll have a closer bond with.

Don't worry. Leaving the pool was just plain rude and life is too short to worry about being friends with people who make you question yourself and make you feel awkward in their company.

ThePowerOfMe Fri 27-Jun-14 10:47:14

Its not worth feeling pissed off and don't say anything to them. Just start going to other groups with your dd and I'm sure you'll make new friends.

They do sound cliquey and rude. Leave them to it.

CrapBag Fri 27-Jun-14 11:05:23

I'm not surprised you are pissed off. They have been very rude and shown that they are not true friends. I find the skinny comment incredibly rude too. Would you be allowed to call them fat? Of course not so it should work the other way too.

Don't bother with them anymore, whether you want to say something is up to you. Personally I have just stopped bothering with people I want to cut out and have always found that they never bothered to contact me again anyway, which proved my point that they were not real friends.

For a minute there I thought you were describing my NCT group but mine was 13 years ago! My "crime" was to be the first one to have a second child, and also I was the oldest in the group myself. Initially I was concerned, but some years down the line having been Wendied a few times going through mother and baby groups, pre-school and then primary, I am over it all. Just move on, join other groups. I still see my NCT group people occasionally, we get on well as long as we keep it casual, we chat on Facebook once in a blue moon, I know they see each other every few weeks and 13 years on are still the best of friends but just not with me. Sometimes it just doesn't work out, and although on this occasion they were pretty thoughtless, I'd let it lie.

CiderLover Fri 27-Jun-14 11:46:25

If these grown ups are capable of freezing out a 2 year old, why would you even want them as friends?

RinkyTinkTen Fri 27-Jun-14 20:33:44

OMFG!! Am I being Wendied??!!

Jesus, and I thought the horse world was bad - seriously - go ask in the Tack Room!

I've put up with all sorts of shit both at school and at yards I've had the horse on and none of it has ever felt this bad. I think it's because of DD that it feels so awful, I can cope with it myself, but I just feel so bad for her angry.

I'm going to let it go, change my swimming day and get on with it, concentrate on the good friends I have and hold my head up high.

As always, some excellent advice, thank you.

panevino Fri 27-Jun-14 20:59:21

I really wouldn't worry about your dd...they don't really make proper friends at that age and she will have so many other opportunities as she gets older. Definitely just move on!

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