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Would you tell a friend/family member they're being cheated on?

(42 Posts)
HermioneDanger Wed 25-Jun-14 18:03:24

Bit of a backstory, my sister's boyfriend was cheating on her at the tail end of last year and I found out through mutual friends. I told her about it and was well and truly shot as the messenger.

They have since got engaged and everything is allegedly hunky dory, except the mutual friends have confided in me that he is on an adult dating/shagging website, having created his profile just 3 weeks ago.

Would you say something? We don't live particularly close together so it would have to be via phone or (worse) email. My mother has asked me to say something about it. I'm not sure I'll be believed by my sister or it will make any difference to be honest, she seems to be completely besotted by this guy who is treating her appallingly.

VitoCorleone Wed 25-Jun-14 18:06:02

You've warned her before and she took no notice, i wouldn't say anything again

Chattymummyhere Wed 25-Jun-14 18:06:18

Screen shot web pages, print off, post annon

Tigerishtiger Wed 25-Jun-14 18:06:29

I think if you are able to it would be better to tell HIm what you have been told. The you can see what he does and says. That will have far more impact on him than telling your sister.
Of course you only have your friends' words for this unless you have seen the evidence too- so bear in mind some people's motives are not always genuine- not saying to here but bear in mind.
You are right that your sis may not believe you but if you tell him what you know he will never know if you are going to spill the beans so he will be very very unhappy!

HecatePropylaea Wed 25-Jun-14 18:07:49

In this case, no I would not. She has chosen to stay with him, despite knowing he has cheated. What would be the point?

Practicalpet Wed 25-Jun-14 18:11:00

I did tell once, but was not believed. Would think twice about doing it again in any circumstance.

magoria Wed 25-Jun-14 18:35:20

I did once and was believed. I was also thanked for telling him.

He has since spoken to me maybe twice in 6 years. sad

HermioneDanger Thu 26-Jun-14 09:14:40

Thank you. That's a fairly conclusive don't do it, doesn't it. I think I agree with you all, it's just sad to watch her planning to marry (and I suppose actually marrying) a man who won't treat her properly sad

claraschu Thu 26-Jun-14 09:46:57

I agree with screen shot of web pages, posted anonymously.

NoTeaForMe Thu 26-Jun-14 09:47:12

Do you have proof? Screen shots of the website? Concrete proof that he is on there and/or has cheated now? I can't imagine not telling my sister something like this.

KnackeredMuchly Thu 26-Jun-14 10:21:23

I would always do it. In this case I wouldn't say anything more, you have already done it.

musicalendorphins2 Thu 26-Jun-14 10:21:35

I definitely do a screen shot and e-mail it to her.

KnackeredMuchly Thu 26-Jun-14 10:22:26

Why do wome shoot the messenger in these situatiobs, I just don't get it.

Coumarin Thu 26-Jun-14 10:26:02

I'd have to tell her. You can't not, if it's definite. Although why can't the mutual friends tell her directly instead of going through you all the time? What a cop out on their part.

Preciousbane Thu 26-Jun-14 10:26:47

I also don't get why the messenger gets treated badly.

I would want to know but she has ignored your advice before so its an odd one. Why don't you and your Mother tell her together.

BreadForBrains Thu 26-Jun-14 10:33:04

I wouldn't, especially as you don't seem to have any actual proof. Hearing things from friends doesn't really cut it for me as proof.
But as she appears quite determined to carry on and marry this man, I'd find some proof, present it to her and see what she says.
Well, I don't know that I'd really do that, but I would like to think that's what I'd do.

LegoSuperstar Thu 26-Jun-14 10:47:51

hang on, your mother has asked you to say something? why won't your mother tell her? that's her job as a mum, to protect her daughter from marrying this creep.

Print outs, screen grabs, give to your parents and let them deal with the bride to be and their future son in law. be there for your sister when it all goes to pieces.

CarbeDiem Thu 26-Jun-14 10:52:55

If it was someone close to me then yes I'd tell them or possibly speak to the cheater and say if you don't confess then I'll do it but only if I had proof.
I would want to know and would hope that someone was brave enough to tell me.

HermioneDanger Thu 26-Jun-14 12:09:36

I have screengrabs of his profile on the site. My mother asked me to forward them on to her this morning (I'm loathe to as they include pictures that you'd never want to see of your potential son-in-law), but I think I'll do that and let them deal with it. Obviously making sure she does (she has form for not parenting my sister in any way, a whole other thread there).

Horrid situation.

LegoSuperstar Thu 26-Jun-14 12:25:17

good luck Hermione.

if your mum is scandalised, better that it happens now than let her welcome him into the family oblivious that he's a wrong 'un.

musicalendorphins2 Sat 28-Jun-14 05:17:07

Better she knows before she is legally his spouse.

BuzzardBird Sat 28-Jun-14 05:57:07

I have also been shot as the messenger. My theory is that in order to bury their heads in the sand, they have to completely cut you out of their life as if you don't exist, so your knowledge doesn't exist either. Whatever you put in front of her now will also be invisible.

She wants him more than happiness.

PasswordProtected Sat 28-Jun-14 06:36:30

Personally I would regard this as none of my business. But if I spoke to anyone it would be to the culprit to ask what is going on. It would also be to him, in this case, that I would forward any screenshots.

Optimist1 Sat 28-Jun-14 07:03:56

If your mother won't take any action then I'd leave her out of the loop entirely. Anonymous screenshot gets my vote, too.

TeeBee Sat 28-Jun-14 08:11:27

I also think it's better coming from your mum. It may have less weight with your sister coming from you again. Another body of evidence from a different person might start to hit home.

And yes, I definitely would tell my sister, without a doubt. I would also track that fucker down. No one messes with my sister.

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