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Pregnant and the father doesn't want to know

(46 Posts)
HollyGuacamolly Tue 24-Jun-14 18:22:22

Been with my new boyfriend for four months and just found out I was pregnant two days ago (told him immediately).

Backstory is that we'd been using condoms with no issues to start with, but three months ago we agreed I'd go on the pill (which I did) but obviously it hasn't worked properly! Based on my last period I think I'm about 6 weeks gone.

When I told the dad he basically said he's not ready for a baby, and doesn't want one yet as he's too young, he's also hinted that he doesn't really want to be part of the baby's life. Personally, I'm not sure if I can have an abortion.

I think he thinks I've trapped him into fatherhood by not taking the pill when I said I was which is not true!

Does anyone have any advice? I'm early 20s and away from my family sad

PiperBeeley Tue 24-Jun-14 18:35:26

Hello Holly - I'm sorry to hear your having such a hard time sad for what its worth, I have been in your exact situation and I too couldn't face having an abortion (not judging anyone who does! - Just not something I could have done), and my dd is now 4 and she is amazing! I have NO regrets at all. It has been tough at times, lonely too, I worry about what to tell her about 'him' when she is older, why she hasn't got a daddy etc. but honestly, it is his loss! A child is a true blessing, with alot of work and responsibilty, but the rewards outway the struggles by miiiiiiles, and endless amounts of love smile It may be a cliche - but it really is his loss! Are you not able to move close to your family?

specialsubject Tue 24-Jun-14 18:36:13

well, I think he's shown his colours already, by not believing you and by 'hinting' that he will leg it. A real man would have shown some support for you, he was involved too!

take him out of the equation except possibly financially - and he may do his best to get out of that. What you do is entirely your decision, and no-one can push you into anything that you don't want to do. But you do need to work out the realities of the situation if you are going to keep the baby.

I wish you luck.

HollyGuacamolly Tue 24-Jun-14 18:38:19

I do feel incredibly guilty, I know he didn't ask for any of this.

MamaPain Tue 24-Jun-14 18:38:27

Obviously horrendously difficult for you, however I think you need to work out what you can and want to do.

You can't make someone want to be involved, but then it could also be that he just needs a little time as it unexpected. You need to plan on the basis he may not be around, worst case scenario sort of thing.

Work out realistically how you will cope (money, support, place to live etc), what you want and then make a choice. It can be done, but think it all through carefully.

Is there someone in real life you can get some support from. It might be better tot all to someone who knows you and your situation. What about your friends?

Preciousbane Tue 24-Jun-14 19:06:39

Regardless of the morals of what he should do you need to decide if you want to carry on and become a single parent without support from him.

Can I ask what he does for a living because if he is self employed then I see a battle for any child support.

Deftones Tue 24-Jun-14 19:15:42

My DD is 5, her father has never met her and never intends to. She is a very happy little lady, and is due to.walk me down the aisle and give me away to her daddy in September.

It's not as awful as you think, kids just need love but whatever you decide make sure YOU made that decision.

Good luck

CundtBake Tue 24-Jun-14 19:19:41

I have been in your position although I was almost slightly younger. My DS's dad is now involved but was really not happy when we found out I was pregnant.

The most important thing you need to decide right now is what you want to do. Being a single parent is bloody hard work but it is possible and there are also truly wonderful bits.

You can't force this man to stop being an arsehole, he might come round to the idea but he might not. You would need to prepare for the latter to avoid any more heartbreak.

Do you have anyone else who can offer support in RL?

thanks

CundtBake Tue 24-Jun-14 19:25:31

'Almost slightly younger'?

Just slightly younger*

kickassangel Tue 24-Jun-14 19:27:13

If he didn't want to be a father he shouldn't have had sex, and he certainly should have used condoms. He made an adult decision to have sex without a condom and presumably knew that fatherhood was a possibility. Don't feel guilty or sorry for him. If for some reason he forgot that sex makes babies then it really isn't your fault.

Focus on what you want and what is right for your life. If he's too immature to face fatherhood then perhaps he should rethink whether he's ready for a grown up relati

IdealistAndProudOfIt Tue 24-Jun-14 19:27:42

Don't feel guilty, he asked for it as much as you did. There is always a risk, even the pill is only 99% effective. The old rule about not having sex with anyone you wouldn't want to marry is a good one. Men being men, and this one admitting that he's too immature, he will probably try to make you feel guilty so get it into your head that it is BOTH of you who've made this now!

You do need to sit down and have a good think about what you want to do. Assume you would be a single parent. Have you got any family support in RL?

kilmuir Tue 24-Jun-14 19:30:44

I thought they advised condoms as well as pill in first few months

Blackcurrentapple Tue 24-Jun-14 19:46:35

Similar thing to what I'm going through, I am 6 months pregnant by my partner if nearly 3 years! He is 39 and didn't want the baby! He was very nasty about the whole thing in the start, he then appeared to come around but we have recently spilt up for good, he was just resenting me for keeping a child he doesn't want and the feels it's been forced on him!

I made the decision to keep the baby and do alone, I have always made it clear that he is welcome to walk away!

Only advice I can offer is to do what is right for you and not to pin any hopes on him coming around to the idea (I'm not saying he won't, it might just be shock and once the idea settles in he will change) just be 100% sure you doing what you want and don't be pressured to do any different

SquattingNeville Tue 24-Jun-14 19:49:36

Kilmuir only for the first week.

Mumof3xox Tue 24-Jun-14 19:50:24

Hi op

I have also been in your position except I was 19

After the initial shock we worked through things, he grew up and we are now on nearly 8 years together

Some times "men" deal with the suprise very badly at first
Perhaps give him a little time?

Xihha Tue 24-Jun-14 19:52:30

DS is 10, I kept him knowing his father was the worlds biggest prick and would never play a part in our lives, it was absolutely the right decision for me. I was on my own until he was 4, it's been hard but he's so worth it. I was quite a bit younger than you (15) but had my family near which helped a lot.

Don't feel guilty or blame yourself, it is every bit as much his fault, all you need to worry about now is what you think will be best for you. Is moving back near your family an option, or at least going to visit so you have some real life support?

HollyGuacamolly Tue 24-Jun-14 22:41:13

Not really an option to move back near family as I'd like to keep my job after the baby is born (have worked out I can just about afford it initially and there's a good chance of career progression), so I'd literally be going it alone! Boyfriend has a reasonably good office job (about 40k) but what are the chances of me getting maintenance? Is it morally wrong of me to claim it when I can just about get by without it and he doesn't want the baby?

Thanks for all the responses, I still can't shake the feeling of guilt though sad. It feels like I'm forcing a child on someone who doesn't want one.

kickassangel Wed 25-Jun-14 00:34:13

He is an adult who had consensual sex. If as a result of that he becomes a father then he has a moral an legal duty towards that child.

If he didn't want to be a father he had many options open to him such as abstinence, rhythm, withdrawal and condoms. As he chose not to use any of those he is responsible for the child every bit as much as you are. Don't feel guilty about his lack of responsibility.

Just because his decision making options have passed, but you are still in that difficult place, does not make him any less responsible for what he did decide. He should be feeling sorry for you still having to face choices and make difficult decisions which will impact on your body and you life when he has already passed this point.

He made some careless decisions and now he regrets them. Well, how he deals with that is a measure if what kind if person he is. If course he should support a child he created. Without him in your life you wouldn't be pregnant right now.

Xihha Wed 25-Jun-14 01:13:37

he helped make the baby, he should damn well pay towards their upkeep, whether he planned to be a dad or not. You didn't trick him into getting you pregnant so aren't forcing this on him at all.

MrsExtraOrdinary Wed 25-Jun-14 07:17:12

I have been in your shoes, with my xh. However it was our 4th dc. He told me I'd make everyone's life a living hell if I continued with the pg. to which it made my mind up. This decision has to be lived with either way by you. It was my decision. Do not be guilted into one that's not right off you. I had the best pg with very little support. I had the best home birth, beautiful baby, no pnd. Xh didn't set eyes on the baby until he was 7 mts, because I was so angry and I didn't feel he deserved a child he didn't want. Every other week he'd collect my other dc for the weekend and not even ask how he was. We'd agreed no extra maintenance. Fast forward 7 years, (ds was actually born on our wedding anniversary) haha, which I think was a fate thing and a constant reminder to his dad, ds now has a good relationship with his dad.

I think what I'm saying is although obviously now is the time decisions are made it doesn't mean that's how it's going to be forever. Time is a healer. I don't think a lot of men actually understand how real a situ is until the baby is here. I wish you the best of luck. Honestly lonely at times yes. But I had lovely supportive friends who I could phone and moan, cry at if I needed. I found being a single mum a lot easier practically than being in a marriage with dc. You do what you want when you want. Your rules. Ds went to nursery at 7 mts and I launched my own business. This is just the beginning. smile

MammaTJ Wed 25-Jun-14 08:05:03

You didn't exactly chose to be in this position either.

Him not wanting the baby is no reason not to get financial support from him.

HollyGuacamolly Thu 26-Jun-14 08:57:56

Does anyone know what I need to do next? I'm not registered with a GP but presumably I need to find a midwife?

foolishpeach Thu 26-Jun-14 09:16:04

Hi Holly, you need to register with your local GP. Once you've done so, tell them you're pregnant and you can go from there. (I think all GP surgeries have slightly different ways of doing things.)

Good luck with your decision, and don't feel guilty about getting maintenance for your baby - he is just as responsible for it as you are!

Xihha Thu 26-Jun-14 09:16:42

Register with a GP, make an appointment and tell them you are pregnant, they will examine you and refer you to a midwife. Alternatively you can book an appointment directly with the midwife, but if you aren't registered at a GP's that may mean travelling to the nearest maternity unit, which can be a bit of a pain depending on where you live.

There's a good guide to what happens next and what to expect/how to find local services on the NHS website

LumpySpacedPrincess Thu 26-Jun-14 11:24:21

Every time anyone has sex there is the possibility of becoming pregnant. He consented to have sex and is equally responsible for the baby if you decide to continue with the pregnancy.

Look after yourself for now, pop to the gp and let them know you are pregnant.

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