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Anyone find they want to spend less and less time with their family?

(20 Posts)
CeliaFate Tue 24-Jun-14 08:51:37

By family I mean parents and siblings. We spent the weekend with dsis and my God she was irritating.
Everything was negative, she was bossy and sneery when things weren't done her way, made sniping comments and generally came across as a condescending pain.
We said where we were thinking of going on holiday, she said, "Ugh, I've never fancied going there."
We were serving lunch, she criticised my way of serving up food fgs.
She was having a go at her husband all the time, bringing up silly things he'd done years ago to belittle him.
I'm younger than she is and I think she cannot bear to accept that my point of view is valid or reasonable, as she's always been the sensible, knowledgeable one.
We've always got on well, but over the years I find myself being drained by her negativity.
Has anyone else experienced this?

CeliaFate Tue 24-Jun-14 09:46:47

Nobody? (Billy No Mates)

HibiscusIsland Tue 24-Jun-14 09:50:13

I think when you are living at home as a kid you don't always realise how weird your family are as it's all you know. Then when you make a life for yourself as an adult and make your own family and pick your own friends, it hits you how strange they really are! That has been my experience anyway. Could you limit your time with them to a few hours rather than weekends? Or do they live too far away?

TheWhispersOfTheGods Tue 24-Jun-14 09:51:42

I can't wait til I can not see two of my brothers again - one is just an arsehole and the other is a violent twat who can't accept that he can't hold his drink. The other one is nice so I'll still see him!

Just because we share parents doesn't mean we have to be friends - I think that's important to know as you get older.

My eldest brother is like your sister. Such overbear

spongebobsparepants Tue 24-Jun-14 09:53:33

Ah no, I'm the same. We spend a lot of time with DH's family which I could do without, especially his mUm, who is attention seeking and interfering. His brothers and sister? Meh, they're fine but I don't want to keep seeing them all the time.

Even my own family - my Mum is a really special lady and I love her, but she's in her 80s and I do find I'm not keen to spend loads of time doing sedate things. my brother never visits really and I feel very obliged to be there often, in a way that sometimes makes me feel a little bit resentful. I know that makes me sound like a cow so thank God for the anonymity of Mumsnet!

*overbearing arrogance! Nothing is good enough for him and everyone else is wrong.

Luckily he lives in Melbourne so I only see him once every two years.

I totally get where you're coming from.

RedPony Tue 24-Jun-14 09:55:02

yes I have an aunt who is just like this! she complains about everything everywhere we go, makes negative and insulting comments about shops and products to the staff to try and start an argument with staff members in shops and talks down to everyone. its so embarrassing to go anywhere with her and even just having a normal conversation with her she will contradict you and of course everything you say is wrong and she is right about everything.
I think the hardest part is where they are family most of the time you just have to grit your teeth and put up with it!

KumquatMay Tue 24-Jun-14 09:55:45

Yeh,I find this. But I feel a bit guilty about it. My sis often behaves as yours does, or at least has done in the past.

It sounds smug but DH and I find it so easy to communicate and he's so respectful and kind, even when we disagree, that I kind of find it exhausting to return to other relationships that aren't so easy or where people aren't so kind or respectful. For me there's been a slow but definite shift from my parents and siblings being my immediate family to DH being my immediate family. We still see them a fair bit, I do love them alot even though they can be hard work (can't we all!), but I think it's helped me to acknowledge this shift and recognise that they aren't my priority any more in the way they once were.

HenI5 Tue 24-Jun-14 10:13:00

I think when you are living at home as a kid you don't always realise how weird your family are as it's all you know. Then when you make a life for yourself as an adult and make your own family and pick your own friends, it hits you how strange they really are! That has been my experience anyway.

Same for me.
Neither me nor my DH have any siblings left and we only have one parent between us. Out of all of them there's only one we miss or will miss. The one left is a ruddy liability.

BadRoly Tue 24-Jun-14 10:19:17

We live 3 hours drive from our nearest relatives. It has made us into a very independent little family unit.

My mum and brother live 2 hrs from each other and 6 hours from us! But we all get that and are comfortable with it as my parents lived away (1.5 hrs) from their parents and had no siblings. It's great when we do all get together and I love that my Mum comes to stay for 2-3weeks twice a year.

Dh's family all live very near to each other and are very involved in each other's lives. Dh works away, quite close to his family so he does the weekly dinner at his mum's thing. It works perfectly as he gets the involvement in his extended family that he's used to without it being forced onto me!

Mrsjayy Tue 24-Jun-14 10:19:48

I stopped seeing my aunt who is lovely but god can she moan and groan about nothing it was draining I do see her in short bursts but not like I used to which is a shame as we used to get on great, dh doesnt see his brother and wife which suits me fine

BadRoly Tue 24-Jun-14 10:30:17

Sorry, I got side tracked and lost my point blush but I have drifted further and further away from 2/3 sil's over time as we've all grown older.

Mil has just been for the weekend and I found it really hard. Nothing terrible that she's done, just a general battiness (eg when dc4 was calling out 'Mum', she asked him "which mum?"!). I find it draining though.

Burren Tue 24-Jun-14 10:52:19

We've just spent a successful holiday with both my parents and ILs there for different bits - both lots are maddening but well-meaning, and lovely with our toddler. My siblings are a different matter. Two live in another country and I have a pleasant, distant relationship with them. But oh god, the sister who lives in a neighbouring city - she's furious that her life hasn't turned out the way she wanted, and is so angry to be around that I dread seeing her, and am relieved when she leaves without there being unpleasantness.

Suzannewithaplan Tue 24-Jun-14 10:54:55

It's tiresome when people are hard work, thing is, if people avoid you because you are 'difficult' won't you tend to become even more difficult to be with.

Perhaps we have a duty to spend time with these people but, instead of putting up with them try and 'correct' them?

Yes I'm being a little facetious but do they even know they are hard work?

CeliaFate Tue 24-Jun-14 11:02:38

I think dsis is angry, envious, resentful and bitter tbh.
She makes a point of putting down our choices; she asked dh to look up vacuum cleaners as she needed a new one. We recommended the one we use, she completely dismissed it as "rubbish, according to Amazon reviews." Why ask us then? confused

It's as if she's determined to disagree with us on principle. It's exhausting.

TheWordFactory Tue 24-Jun-14 11:10:46

I think certain siblings are given the impression in their early years that they are the golden child. That they are superior to their other siblings.

When life doesn't work out that way, the golden ones find it hard to adjust and spend too much time trying to pick holes in the lives of others.

DH has an older brother who was destined for great things. DH on the other hand was a bit of a rebel.

Now DH is super successful, whereas his brother is stuck in a middle management position he hates.
DH is happily married, whereas his brother had an affair and an acrimonious divorce.
DH has a great relationship with his DC, whereas his brother has a difficult relationship with his DC due to the affair and divorce.

DH's brother deals with this by a constant chorus of nit picking, taking the piss and generally taking any opportunity to pull DH apart. Their parents join in shock.

We see as little of them as is humanly possible.

Bowlersarm Tue 24-Jun-14 11:17:35

You are right, but it breaks my heart to think my own DSes might feel like that about each other. And I think they might., as they are all so incredibly different to each other.

I'd hate the future to be me as their parent trying to force jolly family gatherings, where no one wants to be. I want to be like the Waltons smile

You're right about the golden child thing. I've often described my older brother the same way. Lots of people who know my family agree. Actually my dad agrees too.

KitCat26 Tue 24-Jun-14 13:57:32

I actually enjoy seeing my brother now that we live in different counties houses.

It was always too intense growing up in a small house, we argued a lot and are totally different, but a little distance means we can enjoy seeing each other when we do (4x per year ish). We'll never be close but these days we like each other in a detached sort of way.

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