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Bullying

(18 Posts)
43percentburnt Mon 16-Jun-14 23:12:41

Hello my dd has attended scouts for a few years. She is now an explorer and for several months has become less happy about attending. This evening she has informed me that one of the leaders is mean to her. This is not something she normally accuses people of.

She was a patrol leader in the scouts for approx 3 years and got on fine with the leaders. She is helpful to the younger ones, hence becoming a pl. I do think her friend and her are quite loud, they laugh lots about many many things! but they participate in all activities, some camps, most parades and bag packs.

She has told me that the leader has said she is stupid, mocks her (ie for not liking certain food on camp) and her tone suggests she really dislikes dd.

Dd does not want me to say anything as she feels it will make things worse. She says she doesn't really care what this leader says, she understands the leader hates her and it doesn't matter as she (dd) ignores the comments. I do feel the leaders attitude does rub off on the other kids. Dd says it is only two of them that really get spoken to in this manner. Dd has received a text asking why she is such a bitch from another scout.

I have asked dd if she would pull the leader up on it, but she doesn't want to. Dd school reports are fantastic her teachers say her behaviour is excellent, she is kind and helpful to others and polite. She has many friends.

I am fuming. But have no idea what to do.

43percentburnt Mon 16-Jun-14 23:27:40

Any ideas anyone? Sorry it's on chat, but it's late and I'm seething so cannot sleep! Was hoping people were around...

43percentburnt Tue 17-Jun-14 07:15:38

One more try...

How old is DD? I don't know anything about guides and how it works but I do know someone in a position of power shouldn't treat children like this. I would speak to the leader.

43percentburnt Tue 17-Jun-14 07:37:32

Thank you for replying. She is 15. The actual leader who is doing it? Dd has said no she doesn't even want me to even speak to the top leader who I know really well.

mewkins Tue 17-Jun-14 07:40:11

How old is the leader? A bit older than dd or a proper adult? I think you need to address this with the overall leader tbh. No one who is supposed to be looking after kids should be belittling them.

No I would go higher. Especially if you know her. Maybe ask if there are issues as DD is not wanting to go etc?

DrankSangriaInThePark Tue 17-Jun-14 07:50:46

You need to speak to the leader's leader.

I think you also need to be prepared though to hear the other side of the story. Why has your dd received texts asking her why she is a bitch? Are you sure dd just doesn't want to go because she's 15 and she doesn't think it's cool anymore? Why did the leader say she was stupid? Did he/she actually use the word "stupid"?

You need to speak to them, clearly, but get dd's side of things very clear first.

Pantah630 Tue 17-Jun-14 07:54:15

There should be more than one Leader there, maybe a quiet word with the other one, then speak to the GSL or ADC Explorers. Contact details can be found through your District. Doesn't sound good but please get the other sides view as well, sometimes our DC don't give the full picture.

43percentburnt Tue 17-Jun-14 08:33:10

The lead

43percentburnt Tue 17-Jun-14 08:41:23

Sorry on phone! Leader is in her 40s. I have witnessed her belittling her own child. I think the problem stems from her not liking dd friend

Dd wants to continue going to an explorer group but has asked if she can change groups. She wants to go to camp next month with them. She has told me its fine, she knows the leader isn't very nice and she just ignores her comments. She says not to get involved as it doesn't matter.

But she isn't prepared to say, please do not speak to me like that. I am worried that eventually it will affect her self esteem etc.

I have seen the texts. Again she says its fine dont worry about it.

DrankSangriaInThePark Tue 17-Jun-14 08:47:53

I think you have to go over your daughter's wishes, unfortunately, because it's clearly not fine.

I think groups like scouts etc can be fantastic, but like with teachers and other situations where adults have authority over children, you get the odd power hungry bullyboy. Thing is, teachers can't often get away with it because there are too many checks and controls in place. If your child's teacher called her "stupid" you'd have comeback and quite rightly.

I'd say to dd that you are sorry, but if someone is doing this to her, then you need to speak to the person in charge.

43percentburnt Tue 17-Jun-14 10:37:01

Thanks sangria.i dont want to make things worse and am definitely not going to accuse anyone. I may say she is unhappy about explorers which is out of character and see what they say.

Dd is reluctant to give me too many examples as she is concerned I will speak to the leaders. I wanted her to monitor and make notes for 2 or 3 weeks, so I can give examples.

I said she can change groups no problem. However i need to tell her main leader why as she has been there years and he will ask. She has attended another group and told me it was great, when asked what was so good,she said the leader was really nice!

MammaTJ Tue 17-Jun-14 11:30:25

My DD had a similar situation with a teacher at school. I had a word, but made it no accusing. I said 'DD is absolutely convinced you don't like her'

Cue 'I don't know why she would think that'

Me thinking 'Bitch I know what you said' but keeping calm and pleasant.

Saying 'I have no idea, but as the adult in this relationship, I feel you are the one who has the power and responsibility to correct that misinterpretation'.

She knew, I knew, she knew I knew. She started behaving better towards DD.

Pantah630 Tue 17-Jun-14 13:38:08

If what you say is true about her attitude to her own DC and possibly others, then I'd speak to ADC Explorers about moving groups. They are supposed to monitor the leaders in their district, maybe they haven't been and this leaders attitude has been missed or maybe they've a already had complaints and need to take action.

I'm glad it hasn't put your DD off Scouting. What does her friend say about it all?

bimbobaggins Tue 17-Jun-14 14:03:57

It's such a shame to hear this. My son was in a similar at the athletic club he attended. I think that the leader just took an instant dislike to him and no matter what he did it was never good enough. Even when a girl scratched him on the face and he complained he was told he must have deserved it. In the end he stopped going.

bimbobaggins Tue 17-Jun-14 14:04:40

It's such a shame to hear this. My son was in a similar at the athletic club he attended. I think that the leader just took an instant dislike to him and no matter what he did it was never good enough. Even when a girl scratched him on the face and he complained he was told he must have deserved it. In the end he stopped going.

43percentburnt Tue 17-Jun-14 21:05:25

Thank you for your responses. I am going to speak to her friend later this week when I see her.

I spoke to dd again this evening and again she said do not worry about it. I explained that it is not acceptable and it's not right to leave it. I am going to ask her and her friend to try and note specifics. I may also ask another parent if her children have mentioned anything as they attend the same group.

I think it's hard for mid teens to continue with an activity that their peers find uncool without a bloody adult putting them off. She has really enjoyed scouting, outdoor activities etc it's a really good hobby and so much better then sitting in front of the TV! It's sad that a woman in her 40s thinks it's okay to make horrid comments to teens what must go through her head?

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